The Truth is...
Its not that I'm trying to be a bad friend. I'm trying to be a better friend. The best friend I can be. The problem is... if I'm not at 100% how can anyone else expect me to give it? So for 2008 I've decided to focus solely on me, work just on me, and make me better. Okay ALLOW God to make me better. You know pray without ceasing, read my Bible daily and try harder to follow the examples of Jesus and Paul. I refuse to allow people to make me dispondent because I just can't deal with them right now. With there "why me?" it's not personal in the sense that it's you... it's me. Truth is I just want to work on me... not be so shallow, so introverted and self-seeking. Besides nobody really wants to be bothered with me anyways. They only want to be bothered when they "miss me" or when it's convienent and I'm not moved by that. I'm caught up in the raptures of Marlana and as I work my way through the 5 stages of grief, I feel it best to do it solo. Nobodies really gonna tell me what I want to hear, tell me what I need to hear or just listen, endlessly. Right now, that is all I want to do. Which is selfish on my part... so I'm taking a vacation from it all. Just focusing on what my life be like. I believe once God and I work through my issues, once I'm better... I can and will be a better friend. Right now I'm just... in limbo... good today... bad tomorrow. Craving friendships... but wanting distance from everyone. I feel like right now I'm nothing more than a sponge or a parasite. I need that part of me to die. The only person I want to deal with, I'm willing to deal with and I'm going to continue to deal with is God and my therapist (cus he gets paid to just listen).
P.S. I'm finally good with the Marlana situation. I've struggled through the five stages but I've stopped being in denial, I've stopped trying to bargain, I've dealt with my depression, and I'm finally accepting that its better this way. She was what I needed at the time but this is another level and a new season. So that means I've got to do it without her.
I pray you all get that same.
P.S. I'm finally good with the Marlana situation. I've struggled through the five stages but I've stopped being in denial, I've stopped trying to bargain, I've dealt with my depression, and I'm finally accepting that its better this way. She was what I needed at the time but this is another level and a new season. So that means I've got to do it without her.
I pray you all get that same.