I am so fucking obsessed with Tumblr. No fucking joke.
I just can't stop. For real, yo.
Okay, so, like, anyways, I've been updating a lot lately and ugh idk I just don't give two fucks because who reads this goddamn thing anyways? It's mostly just to empty out my "feelings" but I don't have feelings anymore. Sooo whatttt?
Blahblahblah.
Guh.
I went to the pool today with Matt and Janae again. Once again we talked about how Matt and Mandy are in love with each other and they should be together and why doesn't Matt just do something about it? So, he decided that tonight he would and she's being all bothersome what with her not answering and such things. I don't know if anything was figured out.
I think I was wrong about the whole Matt and Janae thing but who knows...?
Really, the whole situation just tires me out. Not tires, I guess, just... I don't feel anything about it. I don't feel much of anything anymore. Ha. This looks ridiculous.
Anyways, again, no jealous radar is going off. I don't feel anything for Matt anymore, so I am cheering him on with awkward enthusiasm. I am telling him what Mandy wants to say, and I am telling her what he wants to say. It's like a game of telephone. I'm hoping they can get together and Mandy and him will finally start getting over this awkward sexual frustration thing. Then someone can be happy.
If I think about how it will effect me... it will be awkward. So awkward. They won't know how to act together around me and the others anymore. Also, Mandy's fucking crazy parents. The whole thing sounds like a great idea when I think about their happiness. Everyone else's... I'm not sure. Whatever. I'm hoping for it.
Christian's doing good. The kid cheers me up when I see him. He's so cute and innocent. Not innocent... just good. He's real touchy feely with me and in my brain I have a slight hope he will have some inkling of feelings for me. I can't see myself with him. I feel no loss if he likes me or not.
At the moment I can't see myself with anyone, actually. I desire some sort of intimate love with someone, but there is no one I can even imagine myself with. I want my heavy man. He smells like boy and ax. He has some silly, messy hair. Scruff. Fohawk maybe. He's bigger than me. So big that he can hold me and I can loose myself in him. He's soft and warm. He'll love telling me that I am alive and well, and that I should appreciate it. He's humble. He doesn't give two shits what people think. He's smart, and funny and has wit that will get me on my shit. He brings me down to earth. He makes me feel loved and alive. That's all I fucking need. Intimacy and feeling loved.
I miss my mom. I am excited for when she comes back. I love the freedom, but I need her. She makes me feel like I'm needed somewhere. Right now I just feel lost.
Maybe it's just my period talking. I just don't want to feel so empty anymore. I feel emotion, but it just seems hollow.
I'm tired. It's 5:34 in the morning. I should have went to sleep hours a go.There's things I wanted to talk about.
The pot is cancelled. I didn't want to do it.
Matt's being a pompous ass lately who annoyedly cares too much about what people think.
And... uh.
It sucks living with Natalie trashing the house.
I'm just gonna go to bed now.