Harry Potter - Crazy
Sirius knows what it is to be crazy. Twelve years in Azkaban is no walk in the park, even if you are innocent. Twelve years of listening to his mother tell him he’s worthless, of telling Snape about the Willow, of watching his friends and allies in the Order die for their beliefs, of telling James to switch Secret Keepers, of knowing it’s his fault that Harry doesn’t have a proper family: torture comes in many forms.
Yes, Azkaban had a very definite effect on his psyche: it’s the reason Sirius now suffers from severe claustrophobia and panics in rooms smaller than two meters by two meters because his cell was that size; the reason that the need to move and escape and leave his house is worse than ever before, because whenever he is denied departure he can see those iron bars looming, preparing to trap him again; the reason he cannot sleep without at least one light on because total darkness seems to bring back the chill of stone walls and feeding dementors; And the reason he spent so much time trapped in memories of betraying James that sometimes he’s willing to confuse his godson with his best friend to replace the bad memories with some good ones.
He doesn’t like to admit it, but late at night, when his light is on and he’s just pissed off Molly by encouraging Harry’s rule breaking, he knows it’s true. He knows he knows exactly what it is to be crazy.
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Luna knows what it is to be crazy. “Loony Lovegood” they call her, because she says she believes in Crumple-Horned Snorkacks and Blibbering Humdingers. “Loony” because she has trouble focusing and stares off into space. “Loony” because she doesn’t dress like them or talk like them or act like them… Luna’s beliefs aren’t what truly make her crazy, however. In fact, there are only two things in her life that have ever made her feel that she didn’t have a solid grip on reality: her peers, and her mother.
Luna feels she’s going crazy when her classmates have once again stolen her possessions or commented (loudly) on her oddity in rude tones. Her father has always told her to turn the other cheek, but sometimes she finds it hard. She feels like screaming that they cannot define normal, that there is no normal, that normal is an utterly abstract and fluid concept - but she doesn’t. She knows that would just give them more reason to doubt her sanity and possibly get her in trouble with her professors. She’s used to this feeling though, this oft felt insanity, and is quite adept at repressing it by now.
And Luna will never deny that she’s not completely right in the head because she knows she hasn’t been ever since her mother died. Watching her waste away, her backfired spell slowly decimating her body’s defences… Luna thinks that her sanity was worn down at the same time.
Her mother’s death started it, and her classmates certainly don’t help. She hates being called “Loony”, because deep down, she knows it’s true. She knows she knows exactly what it is to be crazy.
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They know what it is to be crazy. They know how it feels to have the doubt and fear wear away at your sense of self until there’s almost nothing left.
Sirius thought he was humouring her, listening to her wild tales and not shooting them down because he can recognise the slightly cracked look in her eyes. It’s the same one he notices in himself when Remus makes him shave and he can’t avoid the mirror anymore. He realises he’s wrong the day he finally can’t take it anymore and breaks down, sobbing his secrets and fears to the soft spoken girl with slightly unfocused yet understanding eyes. It’s then he knows that he’s not humouring her, he’s using her. She sees the fractures in his sanity and doesn’t shy away; she just provides comfort in her own quiet, oddly phrased way. He doesn’t know how long he’s waited for that until it’s offered to him.
Luna thought she was helping him, telling him about her beliefs while coaxing him into talking about his emotions because she recognises the damaged look in his eyes. It’s the same one she sees reflected back at her in the windows when she loses focus in class. She realises she’s wrong the day she finds herself pouring out her feelings about her classmates’ enmity and her mother’s death to the scraggly man with a hoarse voice and weary eyes. She’s not helping him, she’s using him. He’s felt her despair, felt the pain and disappointment, and he helps her cope with what she’ll never be. She doesn’t know how long she’s waited for that until it’s offered to her.
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She fills his gaps, and he mends her cracks, and while neither of them will ever be completely whole again, this still brings them both closer to it than they’ve been for a long time.
Quote: "I feel afraid and I call your name/I love your voice and your dance insane/I hear your words and I know your pain."