A peek into my world..
In recent weeks and months, I've been feeling like something is missing in my life a bit. That I needed to get out there and meet some new people. Strictly on a friendship basis... not looking to date at this point even though part of me would love to have someone to cuddle with, I know I couldn't do that mentally.
So in search of friendship I did what any computer geek would do and looking to the internet. I had visions of striking up a friendship with folks from all over the world. I writing letters by hand, of exchanging emails a few times a week. Getting to know new cultures and new people.
I joined a penpal site, and fired off a few introductory emails early this week. No replies yet. I'm kind of wondering if perhaps I'm just not witty and sparkly enough. Logically I'm trying to justify that they may have signed up ages ago and no longer have an interest in email pals, or the email address is no long valid. But in truth I'm feeling rejected.
So I did the next logical thing, I signed up on plentyoffish.com (free dating site). I was adamant about friendship only.. no dating. However unless I indicate in my profile that I'm gay, there is no way to make myself viewable to girls. This is a dating site, and I do understand it, but I'm a little lost. You'd think that joining a dating site would be just letting myself in for more rejection, but it was actually the opposite.
Ok.. maybe not opposite. PlentyofFish kept telling me to go to a BB dating site (Big & Beautiful). Being told by code that I should go away and only interact with my own kind was a bit painful and hurtful. I'll admit that. I'll also admit that I did fill in a profile on the BB site just so I could see who was there. Thing is, I might be a big tub o' lard but I don't want to be limitied to hanging with my kind. I'm trying to be *more* active.. not less. And I don't need an enabler to encourage me to eat more. And I desperately don't want to be the subject of the next TLC or Discovery show as the chick who was so overweight that the roof needed to come off the roof of the house to get her out and then she had to be transported on the back of a flatbed truck. Yeah, I don't want to be that person. (Amazing my leap in logic isn't it?)
It wasn't all rejection, between the 2 sites I got 5 notices in 36 hours, at that time I logged in and deleted my accounts. Why? The 5 notices were from older men. One of them was over 60.. the other 4 were over 50. I will admit I was a little grossed out, I freaked out. In retrospect I've wondered if I've just jumped the gun and made assumptions. Maybe they read my profile, saw I was interested in friendship only, and were making an effort to be friends. Thing is.. it didn't _feel_ that way to me.
How was I so upset by the 60 yo? What did he say? He said I was cute and seemed kind of funny. Ooooo scary eh? But I did flip out. (Understand why I say I'm in no way ready to date?) I could have wrote him back and said hi.. maybe that was a great friendship I just killed before it started. I've been upset that I just lept to judgement on that instead of replying. I mean of the people I'm friends with on LJ, I might have a feel for your ages, but I haven't made a conscious decision that you are in my age zone and thus acceptable.. you are a friend because I found *you* interesting. The interest came first. I was not happy that I may have been judging these folks because I could see their age.
The other replies were.. well some were brief, one graphic, most really not anything to freak out about, and yet I did.
My thinking is if I did this where I was online and anonymous, no physical presence except my own.. it would be so much worse in person. I would probably have crawled to the corner of the room, found a shadow and hidden.
I wonder if I'm alone in my struggle to be more social. I want it, I crave it, but I'm also so incredibly scared.. but I'm not confident in what I'm scared of. It makes no sense.
****
Fear not that this is my only foray into building friendships.
With geocaching I have become involved in the local community. At the moment it's mostly online, but I'm slowly edging into attending social events. In fact I'm planning one for the end of May. Which means I will have to attend. Meet people. Talk. This is forcing me out of my comfort zone which I've been in for far too long. Most of the folks are already married or in committed relationships so I can focus simply on friendship, and not worry about anything else.
Baby steps for me, but it's still in a forward direction.
So in search of friendship I did what any computer geek would do and looking to the internet. I had visions of striking up a friendship with folks from all over the world. I writing letters by hand, of exchanging emails a few times a week. Getting to know new cultures and new people.
I joined a penpal site, and fired off a few introductory emails early this week. No replies yet. I'm kind of wondering if perhaps I'm just not witty and sparkly enough. Logically I'm trying to justify that they may have signed up ages ago and no longer have an interest in email pals, or the email address is no long valid. But in truth I'm feeling rejected.
So I did the next logical thing, I signed up on plentyoffish.com (free dating site). I was adamant about friendship only.. no dating. However unless I indicate in my profile that I'm gay, there is no way to make myself viewable to girls. This is a dating site, and I do understand it, but I'm a little lost. You'd think that joining a dating site would be just letting myself in for more rejection, but it was actually the opposite.
Ok.. maybe not opposite. PlentyofFish kept telling me to go to a BB dating site (Big & Beautiful). Being told by code that I should go away and only interact with my own kind was a bit painful and hurtful. I'll admit that. I'll also admit that I did fill in a profile on the BB site just so I could see who was there. Thing is, I might be a big tub o' lard but I don't want to be limitied to hanging with my kind. I'm trying to be *more* active.. not less. And I don't need an enabler to encourage me to eat more. And I desperately don't want to be the subject of the next TLC or Discovery show as the chick who was so overweight that the roof needed to come off the roof of the house to get her out and then she had to be transported on the back of a flatbed truck. Yeah, I don't want to be that person. (Amazing my leap in logic isn't it?)
It wasn't all rejection, between the 2 sites I got 5 notices in 36 hours, at that time I logged in and deleted my accounts. Why? The 5 notices were from older men. One of them was over 60.. the other 4 were over 50. I will admit I was a little grossed out, I freaked out. In retrospect I've wondered if I've just jumped the gun and made assumptions. Maybe they read my profile, saw I was interested in friendship only, and were making an effort to be friends. Thing is.. it didn't _feel_ that way to me.
How was I so upset by the 60 yo? What did he say? He said I was cute and seemed kind of funny. Ooooo scary eh? But I did flip out. (Understand why I say I'm in no way ready to date?) I could have wrote him back and said hi.. maybe that was a great friendship I just killed before it started. I've been upset that I just lept to judgement on that instead of replying. I mean of the people I'm friends with on LJ, I might have a feel for your ages, but I haven't made a conscious decision that you are in my age zone and thus acceptable.. you are a friend because I found *you* interesting. The interest came first. I was not happy that I may have been judging these folks because I could see their age.
The other replies were.. well some were brief, one graphic, most really not anything to freak out about, and yet I did.
My thinking is if I did this where I was online and anonymous, no physical presence except my own.. it would be so much worse in person. I would probably have crawled to the corner of the room, found a shadow and hidden.
I wonder if I'm alone in my struggle to be more social. I want it, I crave it, but I'm also so incredibly scared.. but I'm not confident in what I'm scared of. It makes no sense.
****
Fear not that this is my only foray into building friendships.
With geocaching I have become involved in the local community. At the moment it's mostly online, but I'm slowly edging into attending social events. In fact I'm planning one for the end of May. Which means I will have to attend. Meet people. Talk. This is forcing me out of my comfort zone which I've been in for far too long. Most of the folks are already married or in committed relationships so I can focus simply on friendship, and not worry about anything else.
Baby steps for me, but it's still in a forward direction.