and the journey continues...
Beginnings are always hard. So are endings. I’ve never been too good at either, really. I prefer the middle; most say that it’s the middle that counts the most anyway. “Beginnings are scary, endings are sad…it’s the middle that counts the most”. Isn’t that how the saying goes?
Life has been…well, passing by quickly. I’ve been back in the country for about 4 months now. I find myself as a pseudo magician, disappearing for weeks, in frequent attempts to go unnoticed by society. Last week I stayed in the house for 6 days straight, I left once, only to go to the gym. I don’t know what I’m hiding from, but I know that’s what I’m doing; hiding. At first I hid because I didn’t want to stay. I wanted so badly to return to Sydney and I figured that if I kept my distance from everything I loved here then it would make returning a lot easier. But eventually I fell in love with US again and spent my days rekindling old friendships. Then I began to work, a lot. Sometimes I was at work for 15 hours a day. It was fun, working with the family, I began to feel like belonged on the WB; our very own 7th Heaven. But then my 7th Heaven dream ended, just like the WB ended. I stopped working in the middle of March so I could focus on finding a PR job, something non profit and not with the family. But it’s been a month of job hunting and I’m back to hiding. I like my hiding place; a place where the ocean breeze and playful dolphin are frequent visitors. But my hiding place doesn’t hide me from my own worst enemy; myself. I have this problem, where I fall for mans’ lies. Recently my insecurities have crept up and I’ve fallen for the lie that I’m a failure. And I am, by society’s definition at least, because I’m a college graduate and unemployed. I’m a failure because I don’t have a 9-5 job to occupy my time and pay my unruly bills. I’ve always said “I never want a 9-5 job, I never want to live my life weekend to weekend”…but now I find myself dreaming of a 9-5 job, and when I say dreaming it’s most likely daydreaming because I don’t sleep much anymore. I lie awake every night wracking my brain trying to figure out what to do. I went to Australia and learned more about myself than I ever have; I know my strengths, my weaknesses, my passions and dreams. I know more about where I want to head in life…but I don’t know how to get there. Where does one begin if their sole desire in life is to change the world?
The winds of life are changing direction. A new tide is rolling in. Who thought 23 would be an age of such change? But it is. My best friend is getting married in a few months. And moving. It’s been, and will continue to be, an amazing journey to be a part of…but I’m scared to blink because it’s all happening so fast. And she’s not alone…Wes and Laurie are leading the lot; Megan and Andre, Emma and Scott, Jennie and Ryan, Jenny and Jake, Sherer and JP, Jarrett and Heather, are all soon to follow suit in the next 4 months.
And then there’s me.
I don’t want attention, (well maybe a little), and I don’t want a guy. I just want to know where I fit in. Where do I belong? Who will be with me on my journey; a journey of singleness? I’m single. And I love it. Don’t get me wrong, I have my rough days of pity and self-loathing, but in the end, I’m in love with an incredible Savior and don’t want any distractions. I’ve declared this The Year of Me.; the year to discover and focus on my dreams, my passions, my life. A year to focus on learning how to love, and learning how to love someone special: ME. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to love another person the way the Lord intended until I learn how to love myself and see myself as the precious jewel in the crown of creation that I am. So I’m on a guy-diet, an adventure of a lifetime. But adventures are best when they’re shared and sometimes I wish I had someone beside me to share it with.
It’s just another season. I know I’ll survive. It’s just that some days the light at the end of the tunnel gets fainter or fades into shades of red.
Life has been…well, passing by quickly. I’ve been back in the country for about 4 months now. I find myself as a pseudo magician, disappearing for weeks, in frequent attempts to go unnoticed by society. Last week I stayed in the house for 6 days straight, I left once, only to go to the gym. I don’t know what I’m hiding from, but I know that’s what I’m doing; hiding. At first I hid because I didn’t want to stay. I wanted so badly to return to Sydney and I figured that if I kept my distance from everything I loved here then it would make returning a lot easier. But eventually I fell in love with US again and spent my days rekindling old friendships. Then I began to work, a lot. Sometimes I was at work for 15 hours a day. It was fun, working with the family, I began to feel like belonged on the WB; our very own 7th Heaven. But then my 7th Heaven dream ended, just like the WB ended. I stopped working in the middle of March so I could focus on finding a PR job, something non profit and not with the family. But it’s been a month of job hunting and I’m back to hiding. I like my hiding place; a place where the ocean breeze and playful dolphin are frequent visitors. But my hiding place doesn’t hide me from my own worst enemy; myself. I have this problem, where I fall for mans’ lies. Recently my insecurities have crept up and I’ve fallen for the lie that I’m a failure. And I am, by society’s definition at least, because I’m a college graduate and unemployed. I’m a failure because I don’t have a 9-5 job to occupy my time and pay my unruly bills. I’ve always said “I never want a 9-5 job, I never want to live my life weekend to weekend”…but now I find myself dreaming of a 9-5 job, and when I say dreaming it’s most likely daydreaming because I don’t sleep much anymore. I lie awake every night wracking my brain trying to figure out what to do. I went to Australia and learned more about myself than I ever have; I know my strengths, my weaknesses, my passions and dreams. I know more about where I want to head in life…but I don’t know how to get there. Where does one begin if their sole desire in life is to change the world?
The winds of life are changing direction. A new tide is rolling in. Who thought 23 would be an age of such change? But it is. My best friend is getting married in a few months. And moving. It’s been, and will continue to be, an amazing journey to be a part of…but I’m scared to blink because it’s all happening so fast. And she’s not alone…Wes and Laurie are leading the lot; Megan and Andre, Emma and Scott, Jennie and Ryan, Jenny and Jake, Sherer and JP, Jarrett and Heather, are all soon to follow suit in the next 4 months.
And then there’s me.
I don’t want attention, (well maybe a little), and I don’t want a guy. I just want to know where I fit in. Where do I belong? Who will be with me on my journey; a journey of singleness? I’m single. And I love it. Don’t get me wrong, I have my rough days of pity and self-loathing, but in the end, I’m in love with an incredible Savior and don’t want any distractions. I’ve declared this The Year of Me.; the year to discover and focus on my dreams, my passions, my life. A year to focus on learning how to love, and learning how to love someone special: ME. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to love another person the way the Lord intended until I learn how to love myself and see myself as the precious jewel in the crown of creation that I am. So I’m on a guy-diet, an adventure of a lifetime. But adventures are best when they’re shared and sometimes I wish I had someone beside me to share it with.
It’s just another season. I know I’ll survive. It’s just that some days the light at the end of the tunnel gets fainter or fades into shades of red.