(no subject)
Someone asked me tonight what the deal is with my online journal. And you know, I couldn't give a valid reason of why I do it. I've always enjoyed journaling, words fascinate me in a way I will never be able to explain. But I don't have a clue as to why I feel my thoughts and ramblings are worth sharing with people. I'd like to think people read this, but who am I kidding. Maybe if I wrote about things that are of worth it would be okay; not that my daily ramblings of life don't have worth, but really who cares about what I did today.
Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I need to stop keeping account of what I DID. Maybe I'll need to write more about what I THINK or FEEL.
Well, to start...I'm feeling frustrated. Frustrated about something beyond my control, something that I wish I could erase from my life, something that has more hold on my life than I would like. A few months ago I decided that I was moving on from that chapter in my life, that Halloween was no longer invited or welcomed in my thoughts. All was well until tonight when I was trying to explain why I'm not in DC; why Linda felt it was best that I not move up there. How does an honest and open person give explanation to a why question without really sharing why; especially a why that I want to bury. I could just say "this is where the Lord wants me" but I guess I harbor bitter feelings that I was somehow gypped from the DC program because of what happened. I told myself that I wasn't going to allow the experience to ruin me or my plans, let it change who I am or what I want in life. I wasn't going to give it that satisfaction. And it hasn't ruined me, it changed me for the better in the long run, and my plans to help others now holds more meaning; but it did take something from me that I wanted so badly- to be apart of the DC family. I hate these feelings right now, I didn't think they would ever revisit me. I thought I'd moved on from them, pushed them into the deepest cellar of my mind and turned the key. So much for trying to ignore the situation, trying to pretend it never happened, convincing myself that it's really not that big of a deal. I don't want it to be a big deal. I don't want to have to tell people. I don't want to have to talk about it, ever again. I hate the pity. I hate the compassion. I hate the anger and revenge I see in their eyes and the sorrow that often follows suit.
Hmm, I think the DO entries might be better than the feelings ones because this one is just one big mess that few can follow. My apologies...
Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I need to stop keeping account of what I DID. Maybe I'll need to write more about what I THINK or FEEL.
Well, to start...I'm feeling frustrated. Frustrated about something beyond my control, something that I wish I could erase from my life, something that has more hold on my life than I would like. A few months ago I decided that I was moving on from that chapter in my life, that Halloween was no longer invited or welcomed in my thoughts. All was well until tonight when I was trying to explain why I'm not in DC; why Linda felt it was best that I not move up there. How does an honest and open person give explanation to a why question without really sharing why; especially a why that I want to bury. I could just say "this is where the Lord wants me" but I guess I harbor bitter feelings that I was somehow gypped from the DC program because of what happened. I told myself that I wasn't going to allow the experience to ruin me or my plans, let it change who I am or what I want in life. I wasn't going to give it that satisfaction. And it hasn't ruined me, it changed me for the better in the long run, and my plans to help others now holds more meaning; but it did take something from me that I wanted so badly- to be apart of the DC family. I hate these feelings right now, I didn't think they would ever revisit me. I thought I'd moved on from them, pushed them into the deepest cellar of my mind and turned the key. So much for trying to ignore the situation, trying to pretend it never happened, convincing myself that it's really not that big of a deal. I don't want it to be a big deal. I don't want to have to tell people. I don't want to have to talk about it, ever again. I hate the pity. I hate the compassion. I hate the anger and revenge I see in their eyes and the sorrow that often follows suit.
Hmm, I think the DO entries might be better than the feelings ones because this one is just one big mess that few can follow. My apologies...