yet another sleepless night...
Uncertainty leads to stress. Stress leads to an upset stomach. And the upset stomach has led to not eating since Sunday; I simply can't keep anything down.
I hate uncertainty. It's like a dark demon dwelling within me, quietly and ever so carefully consuming my life. It's nearing the end of the semester, which means it's nearing the end of my college life at FSC. I'm suddenly at this right of passage in my life where everything is changing on me and it's all happening so fast that it's making me nauseous.
In nine days I will be packing up boxes to move out of my room that I've occupied for two years and I don't have a destination for these boxes. At this point, I don't even know if I'll be walking across the stage to accept my hard-earned diploma. To make matters worse, Australia is still up in the air as well. Everything that once felt like a constant variable in my life is being ripped from my tight grasp and I don't know what I'm going to be left holding onto when it's all over.
I let my guard down. I became comfortable and complacent and out of nowhere I was blindsided. My heart hurts. A lot. I'm at a time in my life where I need that support, but it's drifting. It's as uncertain as the shifting sands and when it comes down to it I don't know what else to do but to cry. Crying fixes nothing, I know this. And crying may show weakness, but I'm okay with that. Because I am weak. I've started to realize that this undeniable and unfathomable weakness does not make me any less of a person. It is during the experience of weakness that God finally shows us where our strength really is anyway: namely in His strength alone. It's when we're absolutely helpless and weak that we realize His enormously strong work of grace in us. I'm trying to gain strength from Him. And joy. I need joy right now because everyday has been an emotional battle and struggle. What was once a key component of happiness and joy in my life for the past few months has taken a turn off course and I don't know how long it will remain there.
Until then I will continue to pray for His strength and His joy and His will...for He holds my future in His hands anyway
I hate uncertainty. It's like a dark demon dwelling within me, quietly and ever so carefully consuming my life. It's nearing the end of the semester, which means it's nearing the end of my college life at FSC. I'm suddenly at this right of passage in my life where everything is changing on me and it's all happening so fast that it's making me nauseous.
In nine days I will be packing up boxes to move out of my room that I've occupied for two years and I don't have a destination for these boxes. At this point, I don't even know if I'll be walking across the stage to accept my hard-earned diploma. To make matters worse, Australia is still up in the air as well. Everything that once felt like a constant variable in my life is being ripped from my tight grasp and I don't know what I'm going to be left holding onto when it's all over.
I let my guard down. I became comfortable and complacent and out of nowhere I was blindsided. My heart hurts. A lot. I'm at a time in my life where I need that support, but it's drifting. It's as uncertain as the shifting sands and when it comes down to it I don't know what else to do but to cry. Crying fixes nothing, I know this. And crying may show weakness, but I'm okay with that. Because I am weak. I've started to realize that this undeniable and unfathomable weakness does not make me any less of a person. It is during the experience of weakness that God finally shows us where our strength really is anyway: namely in His strength alone. It's when we're absolutely helpless and weak that we realize His enormously strong work of grace in us. I'm trying to gain strength from Him. And joy. I need joy right now because everyday has been an emotional battle and struggle. What was once a key component of happiness and joy in my life for the past few months has taken a turn off course and I don't know how long it will remain there.
Until then I will continue to pray for His strength and His joy and His will...for He holds my future in His hands anyway