(no subject)
I can't focus. Ever. If I'm not thinking about what happened, I'm dreaming about it EVERY FREAKIN' NIGHT. I just want it to stop, I wish I could turn it off but I can't. Or can I? I don't know.
It's been a hard week, for everyone really. The CDC is here so Kappa Delta is stressed and busy, it's Lambda Chi's initiation week so I have no where to run away to because I can't get into their house this week. I never see Pat or Calum and when I do see Steve he's mentally preoccupied. I just want normalcy, is that too much to ask. I don't want to talk to anyone anymore about what happened, I'm tired of talking about it, I just want to move on. Maybe when I've healed I can openly discuss it but not now. Just let me pretend I'm okay, I can act...even though my eyes tell the truth.
I'm done with all my classes...I have nothing keeping me here at FSC. I should just graduate but I don't know if I want this to be my last semester, what a hellish ending. But will I hate being here next semester? Dr O said I dont have to take any classes and I can live on campus. I wouldn't be allowed to be an active member of KD but I could go Alumnae status. And I wouldnt be able to be SGA VP or ACE president. I love doing that, so much, but how nice would my last semester be if I had no responsibility. Plus then I could just intern and work ALOT to save up for DC. Or maybe I can just move to DC in January and intern up there. I don't know, the doors are WIDE OPEN and I can do anything I want...I just don't know what I want anymore.
I'm tired of making decisions. Everyone keeps asking "what do you want to do about it?" with both situations. I have no idea! Tell me what to do, I've never gone through this before, stop asking me what to do next. I want someone who has lived it to tell me what to do, tell me I'm okay for having these feelings, that the nightmares are normal, the anger is normal, the tears are normal.
I'm just rambling now...dumb stream of conscious
It's been a hard week, for everyone really. The CDC is here so Kappa Delta is stressed and busy, it's Lambda Chi's initiation week so I have no where to run away to because I can't get into their house this week. I never see Pat or Calum and when I do see Steve he's mentally preoccupied. I just want normalcy, is that too much to ask. I don't want to talk to anyone anymore about what happened, I'm tired of talking about it, I just want to move on. Maybe when I've healed I can openly discuss it but not now. Just let me pretend I'm okay, I can act...even though my eyes tell the truth.
I'm done with all my classes...I have nothing keeping me here at FSC. I should just graduate but I don't know if I want this to be my last semester, what a hellish ending. But will I hate being here next semester? Dr O said I dont have to take any classes and I can live on campus. I wouldn't be allowed to be an active member of KD but I could go Alumnae status. And I wouldnt be able to be SGA VP or ACE president. I love doing that, so much, but how nice would my last semester be if I had no responsibility. Plus then I could just intern and work ALOT to save up for DC. Or maybe I can just move to DC in January and intern up there. I don't know, the doors are WIDE OPEN and I can do anything I want...I just don't know what I want anymore.
I'm tired of making decisions. Everyone keeps asking "what do you want to do about it?" with both situations. I have no idea! Tell me what to do, I've never gone through this before, stop asking me what to do next. I want someone who has lived it to tell me what to do, tell me I'm okay for having these feelings, that the nightmares are normal, the anger is normal, the tears are normal.
I'm just rambling now...dumb stream of conscious