Sleepness Nights
I walk around all day, my eyes opening a little less as each day passes. But yet, here it is at 6:15 in the morning, and I just cannot seem to sleep. The few hours I did sleep were filled with constant, vivid dreams. I don't remember much of them, but enough to keep me from feeling rested. Perhaps I can talk to my dr. (okay, I will be talking to my sister) about getting some prescribed assistance. Although, I don't know if I want to be drugged up.
I am so unsure of what if floating in my head. I so love and appreciate my family, but I so hate this constant state of flux. I don't know what is going on with Grandma. I want to spend time in the hospital with her, but I don't want her prolonged in a state pain, discomfort, and perpetual hold. She has been a fighter all her life. From the early years and her brothers being killed by the cossaks, to crawling up the loft to sleep curled next to the chimney to stay warm, to crossing the bitterly cold romanian mountains, having her sister sent back from Ellis Island to Germany where she would later be killed, to raising an amazing family here in the states. Just by the # of people sitting in the ICU waiting room at any given time, it is so obvious that she is loved.
My LA cousin was talking about how grandma was such a part of our lives growing up. Mind you, she did live walking distance, and we were so far away (8 miles) she was a constant in our lives. She didn't visit for the big things, she was there for everything. Every birthday, every recital, every stupid school play, when we lost a tooth, when our folks went on vacation it was her way we stayed. She took me to the ballet, accompanied us to shows, dinners, everything. Aw we got older, it was hard not going out on Friday night because dinner at Grandma's was a mandate. Later, compromise struck in and we could go to the football games after dinner. Friends always had to come in and say hi before ever leaving.
Grandma took me to Pirates of Penzance for my 16th birthday. She was there when I graduated high school, graduated college, moved to Pittsburgh, LA, got married, and was so anxious to meet my children. As the mind has been seeping out every year she has had a harder time remembering the names of her great-grandchildren...well damn, there are 17 of them. Miriam, though, she never forgot. My little Golda Miriam, named for her two sisters was a name she never forgot. Will she have a chance to remember it again? I don't know. I know that at nearly 35, I am so blessed to have had grandma for all these years. I would love a few more, but if she is needed to take care of my little boy and rejoin grandpa, then I am okay with that, too. It won't be easy, but I am so at peace with how much I have loved her and how much she is a part of all that I have become.
For those of you who have made it to the end of the post, I apologize for not using an LJ cut, but I am too tired now to look up how to do it. M - if you are reading this and wish to edit in a cut, I am cool with that.
My love to you, my LJ family.
I am so unsure of what if floating in my head. I so love and appreciate my family, but I so hate this constant state of flux. I don't know what is going on with Grandma. I want to spend time in the hospital with her, but I don't want her prolonged in a state pain, discomfort, and perpetual hold. She has been a fighter all her life. From the early years and her brothers being killed by the cossaks, to crawling up the loft to sleep curled next to the chimney to stay warm, to crossing the bitterly cold romanian mountains, having her sister sent back from Ellis Island to Germany where she would later be killed, to raising an amazing family here in the states. Just by the # of people sitting in the ICU waiting room at any given time, it is so obvious that she is loved.
My LA cousin was talking about how grandma was such a part of our lives growing up. Mind you, she did live walking distance, and we were so far away (8 miles) she was a constant in our lives. She didn't visit for the big things, she was there for everything. Every birthday, every recital, every stupid school play, when we lost a tooth, when our folks went on vacation it was her way we stayed. She took me to the ballet, accompanied us to shows, dinners, everything. Aw we got older, it was hard not going out on Friday night because dinner at Grandma's was a mandate. Later, compromise struck in and we could go to the football games after dinner. Friends always had to come in and say hi before ever leaving.
Grandma took me to Pirates of Penzance for my 16th birthday. She was there when I graduated high school, graduated college, moved to Pittsburgh, LA, got married, and was so anxious to meet my children. As the mind has been seeping out every year she has had a harder time remembering the names of her great-grandchildren...well damn, there are 17 of them. Miriam, though, she never forgot. My little Golda Miriam, named for her two sisters was a name she never forgot. Will she have a chance to remember it again? I don't know. I know that at nearly 35, I am so blessed to have had grandma for all these years. I would love a few more, but if she is needed to take care of my little boy and rejoin grandpa, then I am okay with that, too. It won't be easy, but I am so at peace with how much I have loved her and how much she is a part of all that I have become.
For those of you who have made it to the end of the post, I apologize for not using an LJ cut, but I am too tired now to look up how to do it. M - if you are reading this and wish to edit in a cut, I am cool with that.
My love to you, my LJ family.