The Five-Minute Sorcerer
Okay, so after almost 5 years of stalling... in anticipation of tomorrow's singthru, and at the prodding of mrmorse... here it is! Based, of course, on the G&S work. Likely not of interest to the uninitiated -- or else could be considered spoilerish, depending on your perspective.
Act I.
CHORUS: [Runs on] Yay! Aline and Alexis are getting engaged! [Runs off]
MRS. P: Constance, what's with the teenage goth-girl act?
CONSTANCE: *staples hand to forehead* I'm in love with the vicar.
MRS. P: Great! I'll set you up!
CONSTANCE: Mo-THER!
DR. D: [Enters.] I used to be teh sexxy. Alas, now here I am, pushing thirty. But tush, I am puling.
MRS. P: Dr. Daly, don't you think it's about time you got married? You're pushing thirty, you know. [Shoves Constance at him]
DR. D: No, no. Totally beyond all that now.
CONSTANCE: Waaaaah! [Exit, pursued by Mrs. P.]
DR. D: Poor little girl. I'm afraid she has something on her mind. I wonder what it could possibly be.
ALEXIS: O, lucid lake of liquid love!
SIR M: Alexis, get a grip. Fifty years ago, Aline's mother and I were madly in love, but did we make a big deal about it? No! We kept it to ourselves! Until finally we went off and married other people --
ALEXIS: Which is good, because otherwise Aline would be... my sister?!
SIR M: The point is, we were repressed and we LIKED it that way! That's the way things are here in Ploverleigh! Now suck it up!
WOMEN: Yay! Here comes Aline!
ALINE: Thank you all so very much for admiring me. By the way, I'm a soprano, see? La la la!
LADY S: Well, I'm glad SOMEONE is happy... *staples hand to forehead*
MEN: Yay! Here comes Alexis!
ALEXIS: Aline!
ALINE: Alexis! [They run together]
LADY S: Marmaduke!
SIR M: Annabella! [They flee each other]
NOTARY: Here's the ketubah contract. Sign here.
ALEXIS: Yo.
ALINE: Check.
CHORUS: Yay! Let's leave them alone!
ALEXIS: Because I know what's good for everyone else, I'm going to administer psychoactive drugs to the entire village without their permission. By the way, I'm a tenor, see? La la la!
WELLS: Good day, sir.
ALEXIS: I believe you are a Sorcerer?
WELLS: Yes, sir. Very acute of you to read the promotional posters, sir. By the way, I'm also a patter baritone. Check me out! Blahbity-blahbity-blah, blahbity-blahbity-blah, blahbity-blahbity-blahbity-blahbity-blahbity-blahbity-blah!
HERCULES: *frolics*
ALEXIS: So about this love potion.
WELLS: Yeah, so: take it, fall asleep for twelve hours, and when you wake up, you fall in love with the Very Next Person You See.
ALEXIS: Um...
WELLS: That is, of the opposite gender. With Hilarious Consequences!
ALINE: Um...
WELLS: That is, unless you are already married to someone else, in which case it has no effect whatsoever.
ALINE: How convenient.
ALEXIS: Bring it on!
STAGELIGHTS: *dim ominously*
WELLS: *incants ominously*
DEMONS: *howl ominously*
POTION: *bubbles ominously*
ALEXIS: Aww yeah!
ALINE: Meep!
CHORUS: [Enters.] Yay! A picnic! How jolly!
SIR M: Tasty treats!
ALEXIS: Yeah, uh, get your nice hot non-magical tea here, step right up.
CHORUS: Yay!
ALEXIS: Heh heh heh heh heh.
CHORUS: Waaaait a min... *fall over*
ALINE: Oh shit.
Act II.
BELLS: *strike midnight*
ALEXIS: Yep, love's about to conquer them all, like it or not. -- Hey, how come my dad's not here?
ALINE: And my mom?
WELLS: You didn't want THEM exposed to this business, did you? I sent them home.
ALEXIS: Oh thank goodness.
WELLS: Not before they'd drunk the tea, of course.
ALEXIS: -- Ooh, ooh, here we go!
MEN: *sproiiiing*
WOMEN: *boiiiing*
ALEXIS: Heh heh heh heh heh.
ALINE: Yeah, like THIS isn't going to end in tears.
CONSTANCE: Forget Dr. Daly, I've found someone even older and mankier! Tra-la!
ALINE: How... nice for you.
NOTARY: I don't get it either, but I'm sure not asking questions.
ALINE: You can't possibly still think this is a good idea.
ALEXIS: Yuh-huh! And for an encore, I think WE should take it too, just to make very very sure you Never Leave Me.
ALINE: Uh...
ALEXIS: If you Really Loved Me you'd do it.
ALINE: You have got to be kidding me.
ALEXIS: Don't be disrespecting me, bitch. I'm the tenor.
DR. D: Babes everywhere! Why did I never notice all the hotness in this village? Too bad all of them are suddenly engaged. -- Hey, including your dad, Alexis.
ALEXIS: Rock on!
SIR M: [Enters with Mrs. Partlet.] Ah, so in love!
MRS. P: Coo!
ALEXIS: *facepalm*
ALINE: Suddenly that Commie love-levels-all-ranks bullshit strikes a little too close to home, eh, Dr. Leary?
WELLS: I am a bad, bad man.
LADY S: [Enters.] Yuh-huh. C'mere, bad boy.
WELLS: Bwaaa! I, uh, hear my imaginary girlfriend calling. *flees*
LADY S: Great. I'll just be over here, killing myself.
AHRIMANES: 'Sup?
DEMONS: *frolic*
WELLS: Uh, I quit.
AHRIMANES: Shyeah. Remember the fine print? Penalty for breaking the contract is... ALEXIS'S LIFE! -- Or, y'know, yours.
WELLS: Gee, tough choice.
ALINE: Okay, Alexis, here I am Taking The Potion, Just As You Asked. [Swoons.]
DR. D. [Enters.] Was that my cue? [Loudly.] Uh, too bad Every Babe In This Village Is Taken.
ALINE: *sproiiiing*
DR. D: *boiiiing*
ALINE: I mean, technically I WAS taken, too, but hey.
ALEXIS: [Enters.] Was that my cue? ... OH NOES!!!1! Nobody saw THIS coming!
ALINE: Karma's a bitch, huh?
ALEXIS: Grr! Arrgh!
CHORUS: ... Huh?
DR. D: You totally asked for this. But fine, have it your way.
ALEXIS: Yeah, thanks. So, uh, now that I've fucked everything up?
WELLS: We can fix it, but... one of us has to die. -- I pick you.
ALEXIS: Sounds fair, since this whole brilliant scheme was MY IDEA.
ALINE: Nooo!
CHORUS: Nooo! We love you, Alexis! We hate you, scary wizard man!
WELLS: Yeah, I figured as much.
AHRIMANES: Yuh-huh. C'mere, bad boy.
ALEXIS: Yay!
LADY S: Yay!
ALINE: Well, at least we've... taught this entire, repressed village a valuable lesson about opening their hearts to the full experience of passion and human emotion?
SIR M: Yeah, right. We're British. Tea, anyone?
CHORUS: Tasty treats! Yay!
FIN
Act I.
CHORUS: [Runs on] Yay! Aline and Alexis are getting engaged! [Runs off]
MRS. P: Constance, what's with the teenage goth-girl act?
CONSTANCE: *staples hand to forehead* I'm in love with the vicar.
MRS. P: Great! I'll set you up!
CONSTANCE: Mo-THER!
DR. D: [Enters.] I used to be teh sexxy. Alas, now here I am, pushing thirty. But tush, I am puling.
MRS. P: Dr. Daly, don't you think it's about time you got married? You're pushing thirty, you know. [Shoves Constance at him]
DR. D: No, no. Totally beyond all that now.
CONSTANCE: Waaaaah! [Exit, pursued by Mrs. P.]
DR. D: Poor little girl. I'm afraid she has something on her mind. I wonder what it could possibly be.
ALEXIS: O, lucid lake of liquid love!
SIR M: Alexis, get a grip. Fifty years ago, Aline's mother and I were madly in love, but did we make a big deal about it? No! We kept it to ourselves! Until finally we went off and married other people --
ALEXIS: Which is good, because otherwise Aline would be... my sister?!
SIR M: The point is, we were repressed and we LIKED it that way! That's the way things are here in Ploverleigh! Now suck it up!
WOMEN: Yay! Here comes Aline!
ALINE: Thank you all so very much for admiring me. By the way, I'm a soprano, see? La la la!
LADY S: Well, I'm glad SOMEONE is happy... *staples hand to forehead*
MEN: Yay! Here comes Alexis!
ALEXIS: Aline!
ALINE: Alexis! [They run together]
LADY S: Marmaduke!
SIR M: Annabella! [They flee each other]
NOTARY: Here's the ketubah contract. Sign here.
ALEXIS: Yo.
ALINE: Check.
CHORUS: Yay! Let's leave them alone!
ALEXIS: Because I know what's good for everyone else, I'm going to administer psychoactive drugs to the entire village without their permission. By the way, I'm a tenor, see? La la la!
WELLS: Good day, sir.
ALEXIS: I believe you are a Sorcerer?
WELLS: Yes, sir. Very acute of you to read the promotional posters, sir. By the way, I'm also a patter baritone. Check me out! Blahbity-blahbity-blah, blahbity-blahbity-blah, blahbity-blahbity-blahbity-blahbity-blahbity-blahbity-blah!
HERCULES: *frolics*
ALEXIS: So about this love potion.
WELLS: Yeah, so: take it, fall asleep for twelve hours, and when you wake up, you fall in love with the Very Next Person You See.
ALEXIS: Um...
WELLS: That is, of the opposite gender. With Hilarious Consequences!
ALINE: Um...
WELLS: That is, unless you are already married to someone else, in which case it has no effect whatsoever.
ALINE: How convenient.
ALEXIS: Bring it on!
STAGELIGHTS: *dim ominously*
WELLS: *incants ominously*
DEMONS: *howl ominously*
POTION: *bubbles ominously*
ALEXIS: Aww yeah!
ALINE: Meep!
CHORUS: [Enters.] Yay! A picnic! How jolly!
SIR M: Tasty treats!
ALEXIS: Yeah, uh, get your nice hot non-magical tea here, step right up.
CHORUS: Yay!
ALEXIS: Heh heh heh heh heh.
CHORUS: Waaaait a min... *fall over*
ALINE: Oh shit.
Act II.
BELLS: *strike midnight*
ALEXIS: Yep, love's about to conquer them all, like it or not. -- Hey, how come my dad's not here?
ALINE: And my mom?
WELLS: You didn't want THEM exposed to this business, did you? I sent them home.
ALEXIS: Oh thank goodness.
WELLS: Not before they'd drunk the tea, of course.
ALEXIS: -- Ooh, ooh, here we go!
MEN: *sproiiiing*
WOMEN: *boiiiing*
ALEXIS: Heh heh heh heh heh.
ALINE: Yeah, like THIS isn't going to end in tears.
CONSTANCE: Forget Dr. Daly, I've found someone even older and mankier! Tra-la!
ALINE: How... nice for you.
NOTARY: I don't get it either, but I'm sure not asking questions.
ALINE: You can't possibly still think this is a good idea.
ALEXIS: Yuh-huh! And for an encore, I think WE should take it too, just to make very very sure you Never Leave Me.
ALINE: Uh...
ALEXIS: If you Really Loved Me you'd do it.
ALINE: You have got to be kidding me.
ALEXIS: Don't be disrespecting me, bitch. I'm the tenor.
DR. D: Babes everywhere! Why did I never notice all the hotness in this village? Too bad all of them are suddenly engaged. -- Hey, including your dad, Alexis.
ALEXIS: Rock on!
SIR M: [Enters with Mrs. Partlet.] Ah, so in love!
MRS. P: Coo!
ALEXIS: *facepalm*
ALINE: Suddenly that Commie love-levels-all-ranks bullshit strikes a little too close to home, eh, Dr. Leary?
WELLS: I am a bad, bad man.
LADY S: [Enters.] Yuh-huh. C'mere, bad boy.
WELLS: Bwaaa! I, uh, hear my imaginary girlfriend calling. *flees*
LADY S: Great. I'll just be over here, killing myself.
AHRIMANES: 'Sup?
DEMONS: *frolic*
WELLS: Uh, I quit.
AHRIMANES: Shyeah. Remember the fine print? Penalty for breaking the contract is... ALEXIS'S LIFE! -- Or, y'know, yours.
WELLS: Gee, tough choice.
ALINE: Okay, Alexis, here I am Taking The Potion, Just As You Asked. [Swoons.]
DR. D. [Enters.] Was that my cue? [Loudly.] Uh, too bad Every Babe In This Village Is Taken.
ALINE: *sproiiiing*
DR. D: *boiiiing*
ALINE: I mean, technically I WAS taken, too, but hey.
ALEXIS: [Enters.] Was that my cue? ... OH NOES!!!1! Nobody saw THIS coming!
ALINE: Karma's a bitch, huh?
ALEXIS: Grr! Arrgh!
CHORUS: ... Huh?
DR. D: You totally asked for this. But fine, have it your way.
ALEXIS: Yeah, thanks. So, uh, now that I've fucked everything up?
WELLS: We can fix it, but... one of us has to die. -- I pick you.
ALEXIS: Sounds fair, since this whole brilliant scheme was MY IDEA.
ALINE: Nooo!
CHORUS: Nooo! We love you, Alexis! We hate you, scary wizard man!
WELLS: Yeah, I figured as much.
AHRIMANES: Yuh-huh. C'mere, bad boy.
ALEXIS: Yay!
LADY S: Yay!
ALINE: Well, at least we've... taught this entire, repressed village a valuable lesson about opening their hearts to the full experience of passion and human emotion?
SIR M: Yeah, right. We're British. Tea, anyone?
CHORUS: Tasty treats! Yay!
FIN