Grip Me Tight
Title : Grip Me Tight
Rating : Mature
Warning : Please heed the WARNINGS before you decide to read further. Possible triggers. This story contains non-graphic mentions of sexual abuse and violence, abuse of a minor, anxiety, PTSD, young!Jared, older!Jensen, fleeting mentions of self harm, dark past, homophobia, and bullying. Jared is 17, Jensen is 29.
Summary : Sometimes in life, you run across a love unknown. Without a reason, you belong. - Anthony Hamilton (Dear Life)
Disclaimer - I own only the plot and nothing else. Definitely not making any money out of this. Disclaimed!
A/N : I'm super new to this. I can go on and on about how much I enjoy this ship, but I’ll save it. So here it is, my first J2 story. A big thank you to jarms for all her contribution to this work. I needed all those valuable feedback, the assurance, and the hand-holding. Thank you, my dear sister. <33
I don't have much of a posting enperience on LJ. So, be kind? :) If there's a mistake, please let me know and I'll fix it.
That's all for now. Hope you'll enjoy reading this as much as I did writing it. (Unedited. All mistakes are mine.)
Suggestion : According to me, 'Dear Life' by Anthony Hamilton is Jared's song for this story. Check it out, you guys. The lyrics is a perfect fit to our dimpled hero's situation.
Jared pushes the last piece of steak around with his fork. He can’t control the smile that spreads on his face as he remembers how Jensen always makes sure there is more than enough food on his plate. “You need to fill out, Jay.” That’s what he says when Jared tries to object. It seems like the popular opinion. Even Dr. Olsson told him he needs to eat better during his latest monthly follow up.
After finishing his lunch, he puts away any leftovers and does the dishes. It took a lot of convincing for Jensen to let him do small chores around the house-Jensen’s very stubborn that way-but when he got the OK, it made Jared happy. He likes cleaning stuff, and it’s the least he can do to help Jensen.
He is alone today. Usually, there’s always someone with him. He’s never alone for too long. It’s Jensen most of the time, but if he isn’t free, one of Jensen’s friends-now they’re Jared’s friends, too-stop by to check on him and mostly end up spending a couple of hours with him. In fact, Jared’s pretty sure this is, maybe, the third time he’s been left on his own in the past eight months.
If someone told him 8 months ago that there would be so many people concerned about his well-being, he’d have laughed in their face, but now, here it is. He’s constantly taken care of, still handled with kid-gloves-which is a little annoying at times-and while he’s grateful for all the support and comfort being offered to him, he feels guilty sometimes. Doesn’t know what he’s done to deserve all this, doesn’t know how to repay them, and sure as hell doesn’t believe he deserves this. When he mentioned this to Jensen, he was gently chided and made to drink another bowl of soup.
He wants to take a nap, but knows Jensen will call soon to check on him. So he curls up on the couch with a book instead. If he misses the call, it would just worry Jensen, and honestly, he wants to listen to Jensen’s voice; misses Jensen even though it’s been hardly four hours since Jensen left for work.
Jared’s always loved reading. He was always a book geek, like his classmates liked to call him. He remembers visiting the local library whenever he could, picking a new book every other visit, and then spending a good part of his night huddled in a corner of his bed, near the broken, old lamp that provided just enough light. Back then, not only did the smell of old paper somehow calmed his nerves, but the words inside served as an anchor. Even on his darkest days, when he just wanted it all to end, wanted to end it all himself, he would just pick up his book and get lost in the printed words. They gave him hope, a faint glimpse of a better life, a ‘maybe’ he desperately needed back then to survive.
For a very long time, old paper and black ink were his only companions.
Jensen’s book collection is small, but Jared enjoyed it nonetheless. Once he finished reading them all in less than a month-Jensen was very surprised to know that-Jensen got him a membership at the local library. It’s huge, very well stocked, and the librarian is very kind. The first time Jensen took him there, Jared wasn’t even aware of the huge grin on his face. He was so happy, he couldn’t help but hug Jensen tightly, mumbling a thank you into his shirt.
It was impulsive, and he was about to pull back-too scared, worrying he had done the wrong thing, maybe preparing himself for a blow to his face-when he felt Jensen’s arms tighten around him. “You’re welcome, kiddo. Go ahead and read all you want.”
The tinkering phone brings Jared back to present, and he eagerly reaches for it, because there’s only one person that ever calls him.
“Did I wake you? I just wanted to see how you’re doing.”
Like always, Jensen’s voice makes him smile. “Hey! No. I just finished my lunch. You didn’t wake me. Um, what about you? Did you eat your lunch?”
“Ah, not yet. Too much work today. I’ll get something in a while.”
Jensen’s too busy to eat, but never too busy for Jared. The thought makes him feel warm.
“Did you take your meds, buddy? I left them on the counter this morning.”
Shit! “Umm… Yeah?!” He forgot, but he’ll fix that soon after the call.
“Jay?”
Again, shit! He thought that was convincing. Either he’s worse at lying than he thought, or Jensen’s just too damn good. “I forgot. I’m sorry. I.. I’ll take it right away. Please, don’t worry, Jensen.”
“Hey, it’s OK. Don’t apologize. You shouldn’t miss the doses though. Just, try not to forget it, yeah?” There’s a moment of silence on the other end, and then, he hears Jensen chuckle. “And if you do forget, you’ve got me. I’m an awesome friend, Jay. I’ll remind you everything.”
Friend . Right!
Jared feels something akin a pinch in his heart. He doesn’t linger on it though. He can nurse his stupid, teenage heart later. Jensen’s still on the phone. “Yes. Yes, you are.” He smiles anyway. “And, uh, I’ll be more responsible about them from now on.”
“That’s my boy! Talk to you later. I’ll try to be back early today. Pizza sound OK for dinner?”
“Sure. See you soon. And eat your lunch.”
“I will. Bye, Jay. Get some sleep now, will ya?”
“Uh huh! Yes, Sir.”
The hearty laugh from Jensen before he hangs up just adds to the flutter in his belly. He doesn’t understand it at all. Jensen calls him kiddo sometimes, but he also calls him Jay-no one has ever called him that before. Jared like the name. It feels intimate. Then there are times like this, when Jensen goes from ‘I’m your friend’ to ‘that’s my boy’ in less than a minute.
Jared doesn’t want to analyze it. He knows he’s twisting words into what he wants. There’s no way Jensen will ever be interested in him in a romantic way, and there’s definitely no way Jared will tell ever Jensen about his feelings. No! Jensen deserves better. Way better than the scrawny, seventeen year old he rescued from the streets.
Feeling all welled up, Jared washes down all the different, colorful pills with a glass of water. He needs a nap. It always makes him feel better. He doesn’t feel like going to the room, so he curls up on the couch again, pulling the thick afghan lying on the back of the couch over himself.
~*~*~
He wakes up to warm fingers brushing the hair off his face. Any other time, he’d be alarmed, but these fingers are way too gentle to cause any harm. Blinking his eyes open, he’s met with emerald orbs looking at him.
They’re so green, it reminds Jared of grass in the morning dew, of the vast expanse of ocean he once saw on TV-clear, green water shimmering in the sunlight. Two gems surrounded by a constellation of freckles. Jared wonders if he can count them all if he ever got the chance.
“Hey!” Jensen’s waving a hand in front of his face, his smile laced with amusement. “Earth to, Jay. Come on. Coherent enough for a pizza?”
He notices that Jensen’s in his pajamas. Looks like he got home a while ago.
“What time is it?” His voice groggy. He wonders for how long he’s been sleeping. “I.. sorry. Guess I fell asleep.”
“No big deal. You still need all that sleep. Don’t worry about it.” Jensen tugs on his arm. “Why don’t we finish dinner? You can sleep all you want later.”
“Yeah. I’ll get the plates.” Looks like his plans of setting a table and making salad for the dinner will have to wait for another time.
“I got ‘em. All you have to do is grace me with your presence.”
He mumbles a thank you which earns him another smile. Because really, what else can he say? Jared feels overwhelmed sometimes. It’s frustrating that these people are so good to him, for no reason, and don’t expect a single thing from him in return. It’s a fairly new concept to Jared. Not very long ago, he had to earn everything he was given.
No! He doesn’t want to go there now. He tries to push down any memories from that period of his life, tries to ignore the ugly beast waiting to rear it’s head. Hoping Jensen doesn’t notice the tremble running down his spine, he moves to sit on the floor quickly where Jensen has placed the food.
They serve themselves and sit back against the couch, shoulders occasionally brushing together. Jared doesn’t like proximity, he’s terrified of it, but this is Jensen. He has never been anything but comfortable around Jensen, knows he won’t ever hurt Jared in any way.
Jensen asks if he wants to watch something on the TV, but Jared shrugs-doesn’t feel like it after his almost trip down the memory lane-muttering a ‘whatever you want’ when Jensen continues to look at him. Words over gestures , he remembers Jensen’s words.
Jensen has always encouraged him to be more verbal. For the first two weeks after Jensen found him, Jared didn’t utter even a word to anyone. Even after that for a very long time, he would respond with just monosyllables and gestures. If it was anyone else, they would have ditched Jared’s ass.
But never Jensen.
Apparently he had-and still has-all the patience in the world when it comes to Jared. “Gotta speak up, buddy. You need to tell people what you think; what you want. That’s essential for surviving, don’t you think? Come on now. Tell me what you want for dinner. And ‘anything will do’ is not an acceptable answer.”
Jared remembers how he teared up at that. Someone wanted his opinion. Wanted to know about his wants. Again, that was new to Jared, being treated like a worthy individual.
He notices that Jensen has changed to some sports channel. It serves as a background noise as they eat in comfortable silence. They’re almost done with the dinner when Jensen speaks again.
“So… I was thinking…” He downs his last bite of pizza, washing it down with soda- not alcohol, Jared notices-and looks at Jared. “You know the school a couple of blocks away? I spoke with the Principal yesterday.”
Oh!
Jared can feel the nerves set in.
“He said you can pick up where you left off. All you have to do is give a written test, and if you pass, that it. You won’t have to repeat the year again. He sa-”
Jared’s palms are sweating. He loves studies. He really does. He had big dreams, maybe still does, but school… he isn’t sure he can do that again. That word has nothing but bad memories attached to it. Jensen knows this, so why is he doing this is what Jared doesn’t understand.
Looks like Jensen sees his alarmed features, because whatever he was saying, he just stops .
“Jay?” Firm hands are gripping his shoulders, shaking him gently. “Shit! I’m sorry, Jared. Hey! Look at me.”
He does. If there’s one thing his brain responds to even in his sleep, it’s orders. He was tuned that way. Always follow orders if you don’t want to face the consequences. No matter what.
“I was just letting you know, Jay. You don’t have to do it. Not now, not ever. Not until you’re ready. I just wanted you to know this is still on plate for whenever you’re ready.”
“No. I… It’s OK. I’m fine. B-but I don’t think I can… Not yet…”
Jensen’s thumb is rubbing soothing circles on his skin now. “It’s OK. Like I said, nothing you’re not ready for. And hey, if you don’t want to go back to school, I’ll find you a tutor, yeah? Homeschooling is also an option if… when you decide to give this a thought.”
“W-why?” It slips out before Jared can stop- a broken whisper.
“Why what, Jay?” The response is equally soft.
He thinks about letting it go, but he really wants to know. Why would Jensen spend his hard earned money on Jared? Why would Jensen do anything for him? “Why would you do that? Why are you doing all this? F-for me…?”
“Because I wa-”
“No. Don’t say because you want to. You already told me that.” He moves a tiny bit closer to Jensen, tentatively reaching for the hand on his shoulder. “I-I’m grateful for everything you’ve done for me, Jensen. I wouldn’t even be alive if it weren’t for you. I owe you my everything… owe you my life. But I want to know. P-please?”
“Jay…”
Jensen’s phone chooses that moment to go off, and Jensen reaches for it, sighing. “It’s Jim. This will probably take a while. You go to bed, Jay.”
“But-”
“We’ll talk. I promise. We’ll talk soon…” Jensen isn’t lying, Jared knows. “Goodnight, Jay. Take your meds before you forget, OK?” Patting his cheek, Jensen wanders off to his room, already talking to Jim about some deadline.
~*~*~
He puts away the trash, the pizza box, the soda cans… Right! That’s another thing. If Jared didn’t feel guilty already, the soda cans are a constant reminder of what Jensen’s doing for him. He still remembers that incident clearly, the one because of which Jensen stopped bringing alcohol anywhere near him.
It happened almost five months ago. It had been barely three months since his accident . Jared had woken up in the middle of the night, wanting to get some water from the kitchen. Jensen was in the balcony, talking on his phone, and Jared had accidentally knocked off Jensen’s glass of whiskey he’d left on the counter.
Not a big thing, really, but it was a trigger setting off a cycle of events that only went downhill.
The smell of alcohol, the sound of clattering glass, the million sharp pieces scattered around him-it was all too much, and suddenly, Jared was back in his home, balled up in a corner in the kitchen.
“Thought you were better than this, boy. Guess I was wrong.” His father knelt in front of him, the alcohol on his breath making Jared flinch. “So… you like boys, huh?” His father’s grip tightened on his jaw. “I should have known… No wonder you never tried too hard to get away from me. Not that you could...” Slurring in his face, his father tugged Jared’s hair, making him whimper in pain.
These were the arms that were supposed to protect him and guide him. Instead, they left bruises and welts on his skin; groped him and prodded him.
They permanently scarred him for life, ruined him in a way he’ll never be able to recover from.
It all started when Jared turned 13, and his Mom took off with someone else. His father found distraction in alcohol, but never offered any comfort to his only son. What started as occasional beatings turned into much more quickly, and suddenly, Jared’s life was a nightmare come true. He could bear the beatings, the eventual poverty, but every time he was shoved onto his knees or flipped onto his stomach, he just wished he’d die already.
On that fateful day, he was pretty sure his father was going to kill him. Even though he’d been constantly bullied for the most part of his school life, that day was the worst. He had recently understood he liked guys. Way too scared to do anything about it, or even think about it, he confided in a friend just to get it off his mind. Too bad for him, someone overheard the conversation and by the end of the day, he was shoved into his locker on which ‘I’m gay’ was spray painted in bright red. Shoving quickly escalated to punching and kicking, and before he knew, he was being hauled into the car by his father.
That was it. Jared knew he wasn’t going to wake up the next morning.
He remembers the anxiety he felt when his father locked him in the house and stormed out. He knew what was going to happen once his father got back, and somehow the wait made it worse.
Just as anticipated, his father stumbled in hours later, and what happened after that were the worst moments of Jared's life till date.
After what felt like hours of sheer torture, his father passed out on the couch, leaving Jared a bleeding and bruised mess sprawled on the kitchen floor, surrounded my shatters that was once a whiskey bottle.
He still doesn’t know what gave him the strength to do it, but he scrambled off the floor and stumbled out of the house. His whole body was on fire, but if he didn’t get away from his father then, he probably never would. He still doesn’t remember what route he took, or how much he walked, but what Jared does remember is the burn in his lungs just before he passed out.
Passed out in front of Jensen’s car.
He woke up in a hospital two days later with three broken ribs, a sprained ankle, some minor internal injury, a severe concussion, and multiple bruises and cuts all over his body.
All of this had come crashing to him when he broke Jensen’s whiskey glass, and he ended up having a major anxiety attack.
That was it. Jensen’s never brought out alcohol in front of him after that. They never talk about it, but Jared feels immense gratitude for Jensen’s thought alone.
As he stretches on his bed, feeling mentally exhausted, he wonders if they’ll really talk. And if they do, he wonders if Jensen will give him a proper answer this time.
~*~*~
Almost a week passes, but the ‘talk’ never happens. Mostly because Jensen is working all the time. He leaves early in the morning, and comes back around midnight. It’s a huge project for the company apparently. Jared decides he doesn’t like big projects. They keep Jensen busy-no time to eat or sleep properly-and leave him exhausted.
Jensen’s mom, Donna, has been a constant company lately. Even though Jared tells Jensen he’ll be fine by himself, he finds Mrs. Ackles waking him up every other day with a bright smile.
He likes Donna. She’s very nice to him, she’s chatty, and she gives off a mama bear vibe. She also fusses over Jared whenever she gets a chance. He secretly enjoys it. Sometimes, he wonders if his mother would be as nice to him if she was still around. Probably not. Jared doesn’t want to think about that a lot.
Right now, he is being shooed out of the kitchen. “You finish drinking this and relax for a while. I’ll let you help after that.” Donna shakes her wrist at him, waiting for him to take the glass of protein shake from her.
He can see where Jensen gets all that caring nature from. All he wanted to do was help her prepare dinner, but she told him he looked exhausted. Honestly, he does feel tired. He hasn’t seen much of Jensen lately, and from the past two days, he has been having little flashbacks . It isn’t bad, not yet, but he doesn’t know if he’ll be in control for much longer. He thinks he would feel better if Jensen was around. If he tells this, he knows Jensen will somehow make time and stay back with him, but Jared decides that isn’t fair to Jensen.
“Whatever you wish, ma’am.” Sighing, he smiles and takes the glass from her. There’s no point in trying to convince the mother-and-son Ackles duo when they set their mind on something.
“Oh, aren’t you a polite boy!” Donna pinches his cheek, her eyes crinkling when she smiles, just like Jensen’s do.
And for the nth time that day, Jared wishes Jensen was there already.
~*~*~
Night times are Jared’s favorite. The starlit sky, the wafting cool breeze, the twinkling city lights spread across the horizon, the quiet world. He loves sitting in Jensen’s balcony and watching all of these. They sooth him and make him feel relaxed. Like now.
“So, did Mom fuss over you a lot today? Did she ‘mother-hen’ you to sleep?” Jensen makes air quotes and nudges Jared.
Jared laughs. He knows Jensen doesn’t really like being fussed over. “Nah! She was good to me. I might have bored her though.”
“I don’t think anyone can do that, Jay. In case you haven’t observed, she entertains herself pretty well.”
“I think she’s very nice. Um, you’re very lucky to have her.” And Jared means it. Jensen’s father was never in the picture, and Donna raised him all alone. Jared has immense respect for that woman.
“I know. I love her. She… Whatever I am today is all because of her.” Jensen’s smile tugs at Jared’s heart. “She could be a little less overprotective though.”
They laugh at that, only to return to comfortable silence, enjoying the view. This is what he wants. Just to spend some time with Jensen even if it’s doing nothing.
“Jared...” In the quiet of the night, it’s barely a whisper.
“Hmm?”
“You remember the first time we went to the library?” Jensen turns towards him, moving closer.
“Yeah?!”
“Seeing you happy that day… that was the first time I saw you smile. A real smile.”
Jared’s heart is suddenly thudding in his chest. There is something about Jensen’s tone, the proximity, and the atmosphere that makes him nervous.
Nervous in a very good way.
“Well, that’s it.” Jensen reaches for his hard, thumb drawing lazy patterns on his wrist. “You asked me why I’m doing this. That’s the reason. When you smiled that day, I felt… I don’t know. I realized I wanted to be the one to put that smile on your face…” Jensen’s chuckle is awkward. “Guess I’m doing this for all selfish reasons, huh?”
He doesn’t know what to say. He wants to know more, wants to ask ‘why’ again. “Jensen… I…” Jared tries to speak. He really does, but he feels too choked up for words. Swallowing hard, he nods vigorously. “T-thank you!”
He’s being pulled into a hug. Jensen’s arms around him, his lips almost brushing Jared’s ear, and Jared never wants it to end. For a moment, he considers telling Jensen how he feels. Fear stops him though. Fear of rejection and abandonment. They just had a special moment, Jared knows, but he doesn’t want to read into it, and he definitely doesn’t want to lose Jensen by admitting his feelings. He doesn’t even want to think about that.
He wonders if this is just attraction and nothing more. He has never been with anyone, and has never really felt for anyone. Never had a good companion. He never received comfort and affection until Jensen came along. Maybe he’s just projecting all that on Jensen, trying to feel things that aren’t really there, hoping to make this last longer. Maybe it’ll fade away with time.
Possible, but Jared’s pretty sure that’s not true.
“Did you fall asleep in my arms, Jay? I know I’m cozy.” Jensen’s voice rumbles in his ear, warm breath making his neck tingle. He tries to pull back, but Jensen just laughs and tightens his hold. “It’s OK. I don’t mind, even though your hair tickles my nose.”
Jared chuckles into Jensen’s t-shirt. He really is cozy, and Jared knows he could fall asleep like this any day.
~*~*~
Jared’s first trip alone out of the house is to the grocery store. He tells Jensen he wants to do this on his own. He isn’t comfortable around people, and crowds make him anxious, but he knows needs to start somewhere. Jensen let’s him go after making him promise to call immediately if he feels even slightly off.
An hour later, when he walks through the door holding all the bags, Jensen’s standing right there, arms outstretched, wearing a proud smile. He looks just as proud as Jared feels.
A small part of Jared is brought back to life that day.
He does the grocery shopping by himself now, goes to the library once a week, and even takes little walks outside when he feels like it. It feels good to be able to do all this-albeit small things-on his own.
Three months later, he gets a part time job at the library. He works three days a week in the evenings, stocks books and maintains the register.
With his first paycheck, he buys them both dinner from Jensen’s favorite steakhouse. He also gets Jensen a leather bracelet-thick straps woven intricately, delicate and firm at the same time, class and comfort, just like Jensen.
He doesn’t see Jensen take it off even once.
~*~*~
It happens a month later. Jared feels jittery all day. Even more so when he returns from work. Jensen notices, but before he can make a big deal out of his, Jared excuses himself to bed.
At around two in the morning, he wakes up screaming. Maybe at one point he realizes he’s dreaming, but is unable to pull out of it.
Searing hot hands holding him down, tugging on his clothes, sweat and too much alcohol, salt-pepper scruff scratching against baby-soft skin. It’s everywhere, consuming him. A familiar voice is saying his name over and over again, trying to assure him, but it’s too far away. He can’t differentiate between dream and reality. He feels as if he’s drowning, choking on his own spit.
Then suddenly, it just stops. He’s yanked back into reality. Back into his room where Jensen’s gripping him, muttering something. He can see Jensen’s lips move, but can’t make sense of the words. His stomach churns, and he makes it to the bathroom just in time to retch into the toilet.
He throws up until he’s dry heaving, his stomach twisting painfully, sweating bullets. Only then does he feel Jensen’s hand on his forehead, the other one moving along his spine.
Jared feels weak. Very weak.
He lets his head roll back onto Jensen’s chest, who flushes the toilet and then splashes cold water onto his face, and gets him some mouthwash, fingers combing through Jared’s hair throughout.
Jared’s grateful when Jensen scoops him up and carries him out of the bathroom. He doesn’t think his legs can carry his weight at the moment.
It takes him a while to realize they are in Jensen’s room now. Nuzzling into Jensen’s neck, he smells the faint cologne. He needs the smell. Needs it to ground himself; to assure himself he’s with Jensen, and what he experienced was just a nightmare. He whimpers in Jensen’s arms, holding onto him for dear life.
Jensen asks him something, but he is unable to understand or respond. Jensen seems to understand though, because he settles them both in the bed, Jared still in his arms, and whispers comforts into Jared’s ears till he falls asleep.
When he wakes up the next morning with his head on Jensen’s chest and Jensen’s arms around him, Jared wants to talk. Jensen knows about his past. When they first met, Jared told him the story in brief, but he wants to tell Jensen everything now.
So he does. He tells Jensen every little thing-every painful incident, every humiliating event. Jensen tears up, and constantly rubs Jared’s back-in an attempt to comfort, Jared thinks. It’s hard, painful, and he has to stop every once in awhile and breath through it.
When he finishes though, Jared feels better. It was very difficult, but he realizes it was worth it when Jensen interlaces their fingers and whispers, “I’m proud of you, Jay.”
~*~*~
Jensen skips work the next day. Says he’s been working too much and needs a break. Jared knows Jensen’s doing it for him, and he’s grateful. It’s his day off, and he doesn’t want to be alone right now.
They end up going for a walk, and spending the rest of the day eating junk food and watching a good part of Jensen’s secret chick flick collection.
Jared isn’t supposed to mention about it to anyone. Ever.
At the end of the day, Jared hovers outside his room. Previous night’s nightmare is still fresh on his mind, vivid and taunting. “Come on, Jay. My bed’s big enough for the two of us.” He feels Jensen’s hand on his shoulder. “ Stay there? Until you’re feeling better, yeah?” The relief he feels at that is immense, his body relaxing under Jensen’s assurance.
Probably he’s being a baby about this sleeping alone thing, but Jared won’t deny himself this. He knows he needs this. He also decides he won’t misuse Jensen’s offer. Only a couple of days. He knows he’ll feel better by then.
~*~*~
Sharing a bed with Jensen leads to some interesting discoveries and incidents.
For starters, Jensen talks in his sleep. A lot. Just a crap load of gibberish. Jared hears something vaguely similar to his names a couple of time, but he can’t understand a single thing of the nonsensical monologue. It’s frustrating, really.
Also, apparently his bed-mate is a cuddler, a compulsive one at that. Jensen vehemently refuses when Jared mentions it over coffee, but waking up everyday to see Jensen curled up around a bunch of pillows or blankets-or Jared on one particular occasion-just attests to the fact. Jensen can refuse all he want, but Jared’s just delighted to see his mortified expression.
The best of it all though, Jared fondly remembers, is that maybe-Jared doesn’t want to get his hopes high yet, so maybe -Jensen likes Jared.
Likes in a more-than-a-friend kind of way.
What happened was not a big thing actually. Just a day before he moved back to his room, Jensen woke up before him. Jared was half-awake, too lazy to open his eyes. That’s when he felt it, Jensen’s lips pressing a chaste kiss to his temple, followed by a sigh as Jensen rolled out of bed.
Jared stayed that way, very still and eyes closed, feeling his stomach flip. He felt tingly, and warm. He hoped Jensen didn’t notice the heat he felt in his cheeks.
Now that he’s back in his room, Jared closes his eyes, replaying the whole thing in his mind over and over again. It makes him smile, makes him feel better.
It gives him hope.
~*~*~
Jensen hands him a notepad one day. Asks him to write down everything he wants to do. “Nothing’s out of reach, Jay. Write it all down.”
When Jared is done, Jensen tells him they’ll work on scratching things off. Promises to help Jared through all of the things.
“What’s the first thing on your list?” Jensen seems really excited about it, rubbing his hands together.
“Um, learn driving?”
“Driving it is then.” Jensen’s grin is blinding.
Soon enough, Jared gets his learner’s permit. They celebrate with pizza and cheesecake.
Slowly, they start scratching things off the list. Music concert, art museum, volunteering at a pet shelter, bonfire on a full-moon night, learning basketball-sooner or later, it all happens.
Jared’s still left with some major things he needs to scratch off the list, and all this while, he tries to prepare himself for it.
“I… I want to finish high school.” Jared says quietly over dinner one night. When he hears no response, he looks up from his plate.
Jensen’s looking at him intently. He seems surprised, but he’s smiling. “I’ve been waiting to hear you say that. Of course! Whatever you want, Jay. That’s… that’s great!” He looks proud. So proud!
Jared smiles. He decides to start over his senior year. There’s just too much he missed for him to catch up at this point.
It might not be easy, but he really wants to do this. Wants to finish high school. Wants to go to college. Wants to be the man he once wanted to be.
~*~*~
He starts school a month after he turns eighteen. It isn’t easy for him-he’s still the shy, new kid-but it isn’t as hard as he imagined. People are actually nice here. Dr. Olsson tells him he’s doing great. Jensen just keeps telling how proud he is of Jared for growing so much over the past year.
And every single time Jensen says that, Jared feels alive all over again, his heart expanding a little.
Seeing how the ‘make a list’ thing was a great idea, Jared decides to make a new list every year on his birthday, pretty determined on scratch things off one after the other. He didn’t make a new one on his eighteenth birthday though, because there’s still one thing left on his current list.
Under the dim glow of the bed lamp, in the late hours of night, he reads the words over and over again, sweaty palms clutching at the now creased paper. It’s a big risk, and needs a lot of courage. If it goes wrong, it’ll destroy him, but he decides it’s definitely worth a try.
Jensen’s words play like a record in his head.
Words over gestures.
Gotta speak up, buddy!
You need to tell people what you think, Jay. It’s essential for survival.
It’s true. Every word is. He needs to do this. All his life, he sat back and silently took the punches life threw at him, but now he knows. Knows that he can make an attempt instead of just letting things take their own course. Just like he did trying to get away from his father. Just like he did when he decided to finish high school. If this fails, at least he won’t regret not trying.
He wakes up early on a Sunday morning-not that he could sleep well all night-showers, gets ready, and looks at the list one last time before shoving it in the pocket of his jeans. He makes coffee and breakfast, and waits for Jensen to wake up.
Jensen steps into the living room almost forty minutes later, smelling like shower gel and aftershave. Jared smiles, mumbling a good morning, and tips his head towards the dining table where the now cold breakfast is waiting. Jared curses himself for that.
“You made breakfast? That’s great, Jay. Smells good, too.”
“Yeah. I woke up early. It’s cold now though. Sorry about that.”
“Eh, don’t bother. I bet it still tastes good.”
Jared hopes so.
They’re halfway into their breakfast when Jensen looks at him funny. “Something wrong, buddy? You look all worked up.”
“Uh…” He wants to chicken out so bad, but this the right time, Jared knows. “Yeah. Th-there’s this one thing left on my list.”
Jensen looks genuinely intered. “Yeah? What’s that. We’ll get that done, too. We’ve been doing great so far. You have been doing great.”
“No. You… you can’t really do anything about it. This one’s for me.”
“Uh huh!” Jensen puts down his fork, takes a sip of his coffee, and looks at Jared quirking an eyebrow. “You will tell me though, right?”
Jared gets up from his chair, gnawing on his bottom lip, his heart beating a million miles per hour. “C-can we sit on the couch?”
Jensen just looks worried now. “Sure, Jay. Everything OK?”
Once they’re sitting on the couch, Jared takes a deep breath and takes Jensen’s hands in his own.
“I like you.” He blurts out, too high on adrenaline to be poetic about it. “I really like you, Jensen. This past year, you’ve been my everything. At first I thought it was just attraction that would eventually go away, but it didn’t. I tried to fight it initially. Thought I stood no chance, that I’d never be worthy of you. I felt, by harboring such feelings, I was being so ungrateful for everything you’ve done for me , but…” He’s out of breath, panting like he just ran a marathon. “You’re on my mind all the time. I stopped fighting. I understood it wasn’t infatuation. I realized I like you. More than just like you, actually.” The chuckle that escapes him is so awkward and out of place, but it’s better than the big, L-word he was about to say. That needs to wait. “And if you want to kick me out after this, I… that’s OK. I just wanted you to know. I owe this to myself.”
Jared’s pretty sure he’s ten seconds away from passing out, and to make matters worse, Jensen’s staring at him. Staring blankly, like he didn’t understand a word Jared just said.
Jared’s almost ready to bolt out of the door when Jensen finally moves. “Shit, Jay!” He leans forward, cupping Jared’s face. Jared feels like it’s all happening in slow motion. “Shit! Took you long enough.” Jensen bumps their noses together, resting his forehead on Jared’s, breath mingling with his. “Never thought you’d be interested. Thought I’d never get to do this.” With that, he brushes his lips against Jared's. Soft, sincere, and sure.
Once.
Twice.
Three times.
Oh? Oh!
There are some questions floating around in Jared’s mind. Really? Since when? Why? He wants to ask Jensen, but feels too out of it at the moment. He’s on an adrenaline high, having made the most sincere confession of his life-that was pretty hard to do, Jared won’t lie-and he just wants to bask in it.
It all feels like a dream, too easy to be true. In fact he isn’t a hundred percent sure what just happened was for real, and he doesn’t really want to find out right now. So closes his eyes, nuzzling Jensen’s neck, just absorbing everything that is Jensen-the warmth around him, the heavy weight that’s assurance on his lower back, the tingle of his lips, and the air around him. All Jensen.
He doesn’t know how much time passes, it could be hours, before he hears Jensen whisper, “Where’s that list, sweetheart?”
His heat leaps a little at the pet name. He loves it. “H-hold on!”
“Uh huh.” Jensen sounds just as breathy.
He feels around in his back pocket, and pulls out the crumpled, messy paper, and hands it to Jensen, their fingers brushing.
Together, they scratch off the last thing on the list scrawled in bold letters.
Tell Jensen how I feel.
~J~J~
A/N : Woot! There you go. Thoughts and feels? Questions? Do let me know. :)
You can find me on twitter - @chamsp.
Thank you for reading. <3
Rating : Mature
Warning : Please heed the WARNINGS before you decide to read further. Possible triggers. This story contains non-graphic mentions of sexual abuse and violence, abuse of a minor, anxiety, PTSD, young!Jared, older!Jensen, fleeting mentions of self harm, dark past, homophobia, and bullying. Jared is 17, Jensen is 29.
Summary : Sometimes in life, you run across a love unknown. Without a reason, you belong. - Anthony Hamilton (Dear Life)
Disclaimer - I own only the plot and nothing else. Definitely not making any money out of this. Disclaimed!
A/N : I'm super new to this. I can go on and on about how much I enjoy this ship, but I’ll save it. So here it is, my first J2 story. A big thank you to jarms for all her contribution to this work. I needed all those valuable feedback, the assurance, and the hand-holding. Thank you, my dear sister. <33
I don't have much of a posting enperience on LJ. So, be kind? :) If there's a mistake, please let me know and I'll fix it.
That's all for now. Hope you'll enjoy reading this as much as I did writing it. (Unedited. All mistakes are mine.)
Suggestion : According to me, 'Dear Life' by Anthony Hamilton is Jared's song for this story. Check it out, you guys. The lyrics is a perfect fit to our dimpled hero's situation.
Jared pushes the last piece of steak around with his fork. He can’t control the smile that spreads on his face as he remembers how Jensen always makes sure there is more than enough food on his plate. “You need to fill out, Jay.” That’s what he says when Jared tries to object. It seems like the popular opinion. Even Dr. Olsson told him he needs to eat better during his latest monthly follow up.
After finishing his lunch, he puts away any leftovers and does the dishes. It took a lot of convincing for Jensen to let him do small chores around the house-Jensen’s very stubborn that way-but when he got the OK, it made Jared happy. He likes cleaning stuff, and it’s the least he can do to help Jensen.
He is alone today. Usually, there’s always someone with him. He’s never alone for too long. It’s Jensen most of the time, but if he isn’t free, one of Jensen’s friends-now they’re Jared’s friends, too-stop by to check on him and mostly end up spending a couple of hours with him. In fact, Jared’s pretty sure this is, maybe, the third time he’s been left on his own in the past eight months.
If someone told him 8 months ago that there would be so many people concerned about his well-being, he’d have laughed in their face, but now, here it is. He’s constantly taken care of, still handled with kid-gloves-which is a little annoying at times-and while he’s grateful for all the support and comfort being offered to him, he feels guilty sometimes. Doesn’t know what he’s done to deserve all this, doesn’t know how to repay them, and sure as hell doesn’t believe he deserves this. When he mentioned this to Jensen, he was gently chided and made to drink another bowl of soup.
He wants to take a nap, but knows Jensen will call soon to check on him. So he curls up on the couch with a book instead. If he misses the call, it would just worry Jensen, and honestly, he wants to listen to Jensen’s voice; misses Jensen even though it’s been hardly four hours since Jensen left for work.
Jared’s always loved reading. He was always a book geek, like his classmates liked to call him. He remembers visiting the local library whenever he could, picking a new book every other visit, and then spending a good part of his night huddled in a corner of his bed, near the broken, old lamp that provided just enough light. Back then, not only did the smell of old paper somehow calmed his nerves, but the words inside served as an anchor. Even on his darkest days, when he just wanted it all to end, wanted to end it all himself, he would just pick up his book and get lost in the printed words. They gave him hope, a faint glimpse of a better life, a ‘maybe’ he desperately needed back then to survive.
For a very long time, old paper and black ink were his only companions.
Jensen’s book collection is small, but Jared enjoyed it nonetheless. Once he finished reading them all in less than a month-Jensen was very surprised to know that-Jensen got him a membership at the local library. It’s huge, very well stocked, and the librarian is very kind. The first time Jensen took him there, Jared wasn’t even aware of the huge grin on his face. He was so happy, he couldn’t help but hug Jensen tightly, mumbling a thank you into his shirt.
It was impulsive, and he was about to pull back-too scared, worrying he had done the wrong thing, maybe preparing himself for a blow to his face-when he felt Jensen’s arms tighten around him. “You’re welcome, kiddo. Go ahead and read all you want.”
The tinkering phone brings Jared back to present, and he eagerly reaches for it, because there’s only one person that ever calls him.
“Did I wake you? I just wanted to see how you’re doing.”
Like always, Jensen’s voice makes him smile. “Hey! No. I just finished my lunch. You didn’t wake me. Um, what about you? Did you eat your lunch?”
“Ah, not yet. Too much work today. I’ll get something in a while.”
Jensen’s too busy to eat, but never too busy for Jared. The thought makes him feel warm.
“Did you take your meds, buddy? I left them on the counter this morning.”
Shit! “Umm… Yeah?!” He forgot, but he’ll fix that soon after the call.
“Jay?”
Again, shit! He thought that was convincing. Either he’s worse at lying than he thought, or Jensen’s just too damn good. “I forgot. I’m sorry. I.. I’ll take it right away. Please, don’t worry, Jensen.”
“Hey, it’s OK. Don’t apologize. You shouldn’t miss the doses though. Just, try not to forget it, yeah?” There’s a moment of silence on the other end, and then, he hears Jensen chuckle. “And if you do forget, you’ve got me. I’m an awesome friend, Jay. I’ll remind you everything.”
Friend . Right!
Jared feels something akin a pinch in his heart. He doesn’t linger on it though. He can nurse his stupid, teenage heart later. Jensen’s still on the phone. “Yes. Yes, you are.” He smiles anyway. “And, uh, I’ll be more responsible about them from now on.”
“That’s my boy! Talk to you later. I’ll try to be back early today. Pizza sound OK for dinner?”
“Sure. See you soon. And eat your lunch.”
“I will. Bye, Jay. Get some sleep now, will ya?”
“Uh huh! Yes, Sir.”
The hearty laugh from Jensen before he hangs up just adds to the flutter in his belly. He doesn’t understand it at all. Jensen calls him kiddo sometimes, but he also calls him Jay-no one has ever called him that before. Jared like the name. It feels intimate. Then there are times like this, when Jensen goes from ‘I’m your friend’ to ‘that’s my boy’ in less than a minute.
Jared doesn’t want to analyze it. He knows he’s twisting words into what he wants. There’s no way Jensen will ever be interested in him in a romantic way, and there’s definitely no way Jared will tell ever Jensen about his feelings. No! Jensen deserves better. Way better than the scrawny, seventeen year old he rescued from the streets.
Feeling all welled up, Jared washes down all the different, colorful pills with a glass of water. He needs a nap. It always makes him feel better. He doesn’t feel like going to the room, so he curls up on the couch again, pulling the thick afghan lying on the back of the couch over himself.
~*~*~
He wakes up to warm fingers brushing the hair off his face. Any other time, he’d be alarmed, but these fingers are way too gentle to cause any harm. Blinking his eyes open, he’s met with emerald orbs looking at him.
They’re so green, it reminds Jared of grass in the morning dew, of the vast expanse of ocean he once saw on TV-clear, green water shimmering in the sunlight. Two gems surrounded by a constellation of freckles. Jared wonders if he can count them all if he ever got the chance.
“Hey!” Jensen’s waving a hand in front of his face, his smile laced with amusement. “Earth to, Jay. Come on. Coherent enough for a pizza?”
He notices that Jensen’s in his pajamas. Looks like he got home a while ago.
“What time is it?” His voice groggy. He wonders for how long he’s been sleeping. “I.. sorry. Guess I fell asleep.”
“No big deal. You still need all that sleep. Don’t worry about it.” Jensen tugs on his arm. “Why don’t we finish dinner? You can sleep all you want later.”
“Yeah. I’ll get the plates.” Looks like his plans of setting a table and making salad for the dinner will have to wait for another time.
“I got ‘em. All you have to do is grace me with your presence.”
He mumbles a thank you which earns him another smile. Because really, what else can he say? Jared feels overwhelmed sometimes. It’s frustrating that these people are so good to him, for no reason, and don’t expect a single thing from him in return. It’s a fairly new concept to Jared. Not very long ago, he had to earn everything he was given.
No! He doesn’t want to go there now. He tries to push down any memories from that period of his life, tries to ignore the ugly beast waiting to rear it’s head. Hoping Jensen doesn’t notice the tremble running down his spine, he moves to sit on the floor quickly where Jensen has placed the food.
They serve themselves and sit back against the couch, shoulders occasionally brushing together. Jared doesn’t like proximity, he’s terrified of it, but this is Jensen. He has never been anything but comfortable around Jensen, knows he won’t ever hurt Jared in any way.
Jensen asks if he wants to watch something on the TV, but Jared shrugs-doesn’t feel like it after his almost trip down the memory lane-muttering a ‘whatever you want’ when Jensen continues to look at him. Words over gestures , he remembers Jensen’s words.
Jensen has always encouraged him to be more verbal. For the first two weeks after Jensen found him, Jared didn’t utter even a word to anyone. Even after that for a very long time, he would respond with just monosyllables and gestures. If it was anyone else, they would have ditched Jared’s ass.
But never Jensen.
Apparently he had-and still has-all the patience in the world when it comes to Jared. “Gotta speak up, buddy. You need to tell people what you think; what you want. That’s essential for surviving, don’t you think? Come on now. Tell me what you want for dinner. And ‘anything will do’ is not an acceptable answer.”
Jared remembers how he teared up at that. Someone wanted his opinion. Wanted to know about his wants. Again, that was new to Jared, being treated like a worthy individual.
He notices that Jensen has changed to some sports channel. It serves as a background noise as they eat in comfortable silence. They’re almost done with the dinner when Jensen speaks again.
“So… I was thinking…” He downs his last bite of pizza, washing it down with soda- not alcohol, Jared notices-and looks at Jared. “You know the school a couple of blocks away? I spoke with the Principal yesterday.”
Oh!
Jared can feel the nerves set in.
“He said you can pick up where you left off. All you have to do is give a written test, and if you pass, that it. You won’t have to repeat the year again. He sa-”
Jared’s palms are sweating. He loves studies. He really does. He had big dreams, maybe still does, but school… he isn’t sure he can do that again. That word has nothing but bad memories attached to it. Jensen knows this, so why is he doing this is what Jared doesn’t understand.
Looks like Jensen sees his alarmed features, because whatever he was saying, he just stops .
“Jay?” Firm hands are gripping his shoulders, shaking him gently. “Shit! I’m sorry, Jared. Hey! Look at me.”
He does. If there’s one thing his brain responds to even in his sleep, it’s orders. He was tuned that way. Always follow orders if you don’t want to face the consequences. No matter what.
“I was just letting you know, Jay. You don’t have to do it. Not now, not ever. Not until you’re ready. I just wanted you to know this is still on plate for whenever you’re ready.”
“No. I… It’s OK. I’m fine. B-but I don’t think I can… Not yet…”
Jensen’s thumb is rubbing soothing circles on his skin now. “It’s OK. Like I said, nothing you’re not ready for. And hey, if you don’t want to go back to school, I’ll find you a tutor, yeah? Homeschooling is also an option if… when you decide to give this a thought.”
“W-why?” It slips out before Jared can stop- a broken whisper.
“Why what, Jay?” The response is equally soft.
He thinks about letting it go, but he really wants to know. Why would Jensen spend his hard earned money on Jared? Why would Jensen do anything for him? “Why would you do that? Why are you doing all this? F-for me…?”
“Because I wa-”
“No. Don’t say because you want to. You already told me that.” He moves a tiny bit closer to Jensen, tentatively reaching for the hand on his shoulder. “I-I’m grateful for everything you’ve done for me, Jensen. I wouldn’t even be alive if it weren’t for you. I owe you my everything… owe you my life. But I want to know. P-please?”
“Jay…”
Jensen’s phone chooses that moment to go off, and Jensen reaches for it, sighing. “It’s Jim. This will probably take a while. You go to bed, Jay.”
“But-”
“We’ll talk. I promise. We’ll talk soon…” Jensen isn’t lying, Jared knows. “Goodnight, Jay. Take your meds before you forget, OK?” Patting his cheek, Jensen wanders off to his room, already talking to Jim about some deadline.
~*~*~
He puts away the trash, the pizza box, the soda cans… Right! That’s another thing. If Jared didn’t feel guilty already, the soda cans are a constant reminder of what Jensen’s doing for him. He still remembers that incident clearly, the one because of which Jensen stopped bringing alcohol anywhere near him.
It happened almost five months ago. It had been barely three months since his accident . Jared had woken up in the middle of the night, wanting to get some water from the kitchen. Jensen was in the balcony, talking on his phone, and Jared had accidentally knocked off Jensen’s glass of whiskey he’d left on the counter.
Not a big thing, really, but it was a trigger setting off a cycle of events that only went downhill.
The smell of alcohol, the sound of clattering glass, the million sharp pieces scattered around him-it was all too much, and suddenly, Jared was back in his home, balled up in a corner in the kitchen.
“Thought you were better than this, boy. Guess I was wrong.” His father knelt in front of him, the alcohol on his breath making Jared flinch. “So… you like boys, huh?” His father’s grip tightened on his jaw. “I should have known… No wonder you never tried too hard to get away from me. Not that you could...” Slurring in his face, his father tugged Jared’s hair, making him whimper in pain.
These were the arms that were supposed to protect him and guide him. Instead, they left bruises and welts on his skin; groped him and prodded him.
They permanently scarred him for life, ruined him in a way he’ll never be able to recover from.
It all started when Jared turned 13, and his Mom took off with someone else. His father found distraction in alcohol, but never offered any comfort to his only son. What started as occasional beatings turned into much more quickly, and suddenly, Jared’s life was a nightmare come true. He could bear the beatings, the eventual poverty, but every time he was shoved onto his knees or flipped onto his stomach, he just wished he’d die already.
On that fateful day, he was pretty sure his father was going to kill him. Even though he’d been constantly bullied for the most part of his school life, that day was the worst. He had recently understood he liked guys. Way too scared to do anything about it, or even think about it, he confided in a friend just to get it off his mind. Too bad for him, someone overheard the conversation and by the end of the day, he was shoved into his locker on which ‘I’m gay’ was spray painted in bright red. Shoving quickly escalated to punching and kicking, and before he knew, he was being hauled into the car by his father.
That was it. Jared knew he wasn’t going to wake up the next morning.
He remembers the anxiety he felt when his father locked him in the house and stormed out. He knew what was going to happen once his father got back, and somehow the wait made it worse.
Just as anticipated, his father stumbled in hours later, and what happened after that were the worst moments of Jared's life till date.
After what felt like hours of sheer torture, his father passed out on the couch, leaving Jared a bleeding and bruised mess sprawled on the kitchen floor, surrounded my shatters that was once a whiskey bottle.
He still doesn’t know what gave him the strength to do it, but he scrambled off the floor and stumbled out of the house. His whole body was on fire, but if he didn’t get away from his father then, he probably never would. He still doesn’t remember what route he took, or how much he walked, but what Jared does remember is the burn in his lungs just before he passed out.
Passed out in front of Jensen’s car.
He woke up in a hospital two days later with three broken ribs, a sprained ankle, some minor internal injury, a severe concussion, and multiple bruises and cuts all over his body.
All of this had come crashing to him when he broke Jensen’s whiskey glass, and he ended up having a major anxiety attack.
That was it. Jensen’s never brought out alcohol in front of him after that. They never talk about it, but Jared feels immense gratitude for Jensen’s thought alone.
As he stretches on his bed, feeling mentally exhausted, he wonders if they’ll really talk. And if they do, he wonders if Jensen will give him a proper answer this time.
~*~*~
Almost a week passes, but the ‘talk’ never happens. Mostly because Jensen is working all the time. He leaves early in the morning, and comes back around midnight. It’s a huge project for the company apparently. Jared decides he doesn’t like big projects. They keep Jensen busy-no time to eat or sleep properly-and leave him exhausted.
Jensen’s mom, Donna, has been a constant company lately. Even though Jared tells Jensen he’ll be fine by himself, he finds Mrs. Ackles waking him up every other day with a bright smile.
He likes Donna. She’s very nice to him, she’s chatty, and she gives off a mama bear vibe. She also fusses over Jared whenever she gets a chance. He secretly enjoys it. Sometimes, he wonders if his mother would be as nice to him if she was still around. Probably not. Jared doesn’t want to think about that a lot.
Right now, he is being shooed out of the kitchen. “You finish drinking this and relax for a while. I’ll let you help after that.” Donna shakes her wrist at him, waiting for him to take the glass of protein shake from her.
He can see where Jensen gets all that caring nature from. All he wanted to do was help her prepare dinner, but she told him he looked exhausted. Honestly, he does feel tired. He hasn’t seen much of Jensen lately, and from the past two days, he has been having little flashbacks . It isn’t bad, not yet, but he doesn’t know if he’ll be in control for much longer. He thinks he would feel better if Jensen was around. If he tells this, he knows Jensen will somehow make time and stay back with him, but Jared decides that isn’t fair to Jensen.
“Whatever you wish, ma’am.” Sighing, he smiles and takes the glass from her. There’s no point in trying to convince the mother-and-son Ackles duo when they set their mind on something.
“Oh, aren’t you a polite boy!” Donna pinches his cheek, her eyes crinkling when she smiles, just like Jensen’s do.
And for the nth time that day, Jared wishes Jensen was there already.
~*~*~
Night times are Jared’s favorite. The starlit sky, the wafting cool breeze, the twinkling city lights spread across the horizon, the quiet world. He loves sitting in Jensen’s balcony and watching all of these. They sooth him and make him feel relaxed. Like now.
“So, did Mom fuss over you a lot today? Did she ‘mother-hen’ you to sleep?” Jensen makes air quotes and nudges Jared.
Jared laughs. He knows Jensen doesn’t really like being fussed over. “Nah! She was good to me. I might have bored her though.”
“I don’t think anyone can do that, Jay. In case you haven’t observed, she entertains herself pretty well.”
“I think she’s very nice. Um, you’re very lucky to have her.” And Jared means it. Jensen’s father was never in the picture, and Donna raised him all alone. Jared has immense respect for that woman.
“I know. I love her. She… Whatever I am today is all because of her.” Jensen’s smile tugs at Jared’s heart. “She could be a little less overprotective though.”
They laugh at that, only to return to comfortable silence, enjoying the view. This is what he wants. Just to spend some time with Jensen even if it’s doing nothing.
“Jared...” In the quiet of the night, it’s barely a whisper.
“Hmm?”
“You remember the first time we went to the library?” Jensen turns towards him, moving closer.
“Yeah?!”
“Seeing you happy that day… that was the first time I saw you smile. A real smile.”
Jared’s heart is suddenly thudding in his chest. There is something about Jensen’s tone, the proximity, and the atmosphere that makes him nervous.
Nervous in a very good way.
“Well, that’s it.” Jensen reaches for his hard, thumb drawing lazy patterns on his wrist. “You asked me why I’m doing this. That’s the reason. When you smiled that day, I felt… I don’t know. I realized I wanted to be the one to put that smile on your face…” Jensen’s chuckle is awkward. “Guess I’m doing this for all selfish reasons, huh?”
He doesn’t know what to say. He wants to know more, wants to ask ‘why’ again. “Jensen… I…” Jared tries to speak. He really does, but he feels too choked up for words. Swallowing hard, he nods vigorously. “T-thank you!”
He’s being pulled into a hug. Jensen’s arms around him, his lips almost brushing Jared’s ear, and Jared never wants it to end. For a moment, he considers telling Jensen how he feels. Fear stops him though. Fear of rejection and abandonment. They just had a special moment, Jared knows, but he doesn’t want to read into it, and he definitely doesn’t want to lose Jensen by admitting his feelings. He doesn’t even want to think about that.
He wonders if this is just attraction and nothing more. He has never been with anyone, and has never really felt for anyone. Never had a good companion. He never received comfort and affection until Jensen came along. Maybe he’s just projecting all that on Jensen, trying to feel things that aren’t really there, hoping to make this last longer. Maybe it’ll fade away with time.
Possible, but Jared’s pretty sure that’s not true.
“Did you fall asleep in my arms, Jay? I know I’m cozy.” Jensen’s voice rumbles in his ear, warm breath making his neck tingle. He tries to pull back, but Jensen just laughs and tightens his hold. “It’s OK. I don’t mind, even though your hair tickles my nose.”
Jared chuckles into Jensen’s t-shirt. He really is cozy, and Jared knows he could fall asleep like this any day.
~*~*~
Jared’s first trip alone out of the house is to the grocery store. He tells Jensen he wants to do this on his own. He isn’t comfortable around people, and crowds make him anxious, but he knows needs to start somewhere. Jensen let’s him go after making him promise to call immediately if he feels even slightly off.
An hour later, when he walks through the door holding all the bags, Jensen’s standing right there, arms outstretched, wearing a proud smile. He looks just as proud as Jared feels.
A small part of Jared is brought back to life that day.
He does the grocery shopping by himself now, goes to the library once a week, and even takes little walks outside when he feels like it. It feels good to be able to do all this-albeit small things-on his own.
Three months later, he gets a part time job at the library. He works three days a week in the evenings, stocks books and maintains the register.
With his first paycheck, he buys them both dinner from Jensen’s favorite steakhouse. He also gets Jensen a leather bracelet-thick straps woven intricately, delicate and firm at the same time, class and comfort, just like Jensen.
He doesn’t see Jensen take it off even once.
~*~*~
It happens a month later. Jared feels jittery all day. Even more so when he returns from work. Jensen notices, but before he can make a big deal out of his, Jared excuses himself to bed.
At around two in the morning, he wakes up screaming. Maybe at one point he realizes he’s dreaming, but is unable to pull out of it.
Searing hot hands holding him down, tugging on his clothes, sweat and too much alcohol, salt-pepper scruff scratching against baby-soft skin. It’s everywhere, consuming him. A familiar voice is saying his name over and over again, trying to assure him, but it’s too far away. He can’t differentiate between dream and reality. He feels as if he’s drowning, choking on his own spit.
Then suddenly, it just stops. He’s yanked back into reality. Back into his room where Jensen’s gripping him, muttering something. He can see Jensen’s lips move, but can’t make sense of the words. His stomach churns, and he makes it to the bathroom just in time to retch into the toilet.
He throws up until he’s dry heaving, his stomach twisting painfully, sweating bullets. Only then does he feel Jensen’s hand on his forehead, the other one moving along his spine.
Jared feels weak. Very weak.
He lets his head roll back onto Jensen’s chest, who flushes the toilet and then splashes cold water onto his face, and gets him some mouthwash, fingers combing through Jared’s hair throughout.
Jared’s grateful when Jensen scoops him up and carries him out of the bathroom. He doesn’t think his legs can carry his weight at the moment.
It takes him a while to realize they are in Jensen’s room now. Nuzzling into Jensen’s neck, he smells the faint cologne. He needs the smell. Needs it to ground himself; to assure himself he’s with Jensen, and what he experienced was just a nightmare. He whimpers in Jensen’s arms, holding onto him for dear life.
Jensen asks him something, but he is unable to understand or respond. Jensen seems to understand though, because he settles them both in the bed, Jared still in his arms, and whispers comforts into Jared’s ears till he falls asleep.
When he wakes up the next morning with his head on Jensen’s chest and Jensen’s arms around him, Jared wants to talk. Jensen knows about his past. When they first met, Jared told him the story in brief, but he wants to tell Jensen everything now.
So he does. He tells Jensen every little thing-every painful incident, every humiliating event. Jensen tears up, and constantly rubs Jared’s back-in an attempt to comfort, Jared thinks. It’s hard, painful, and he has to stop every once in awhile and breath through it.
When he finishes though, Jared feels better. It was very difficult, but he realizes it was worth it when Jensen interlaces their fingers and whispers, “I’m proud of you, Jay.”
~*~*~
Jensen skips work the next day. Says he’s been working too much and needs a break. Jared knows Jensen’s doing it for him, and he’s grateful. It’s his day off, and he doesn’t want to be alone right now.
They end up going for a walk, and spending the rest of the day eating junk food and watching a good part of Jensen’s secret chick flick collection.
Jared isn’t supposed to mention about it to anyone. Ever.
At the end of the day, Jared hovers outside his room. Previous night’s nightmare is still fresh on his mind, vivid and taunting. “Come on, Jay. My bed’s big enough for the two of us.” He feels Jensen’s hand on his shoulder. “ Stay there? Until you’re feeling better, yeah?” The relief he feels at that is immense, his body relaxing under Jensen’s assurance.
Probably he’s being a baby about this sleeping alone thing, but Jared won’t deny himself this. He knows he needs this. He also decides he won’t misuse Jensen’s offer. Only a couple of days. He knows he’ll feel better by then.
~*~*~
Sharing a bed with Jensen leads to some interesting discoveries and incidents.
For starters, Jensen talks in his sleep. A lot. Just a crap load of gibberish. Jared hears something vaguely similar to his names a couple of time, but he can’t understand a single thing of the nonsensical monologue. It’s frustrating, really.
Also, apparently his bed-mate is a cuddler, a compulsive one at that. Jensen vehemently refuses when Jared mentions it over coffee, but waking up everyday to see Jensen curled up around a bunch of pillows or blankets-or Jared on one particular occasion-just attests to the fact. Jensen can refuse all he want, but Jared’s just delighted to see his mortified expression.
The best of it all though, Jared fondly remembers, is that maybe-Jared doesn’t want to get his hopes high yet, so maybe -Jensen likes Jared.
Likes in a more-than-a-friend kind of way.
What happened was not a big thing actually. Just a day before he moved back to his room, Jensen woke up before him. Jared was half-awake, too lazy to open his eyes. That’s when he felt it, Jensen’s lips pressing a chaste kiss to his temple, followed by a sigh as Jensen rolled out of bed.
Jared stayed that way, very still and eyes closed, feeling his stomach flip. He felt tingly, and warm. He hoped Jensen didn’t notice the heat he felt in his cheeks.
Now that he’s back in his room, Jared closes his eyes, replaying the whole thing in his mind over and over again. It makes him smile, makes him feel better.
It gives him hope.
~*~*~
Jensen hands him a notepad one day. Asks him to write down everything he wants to do. “Nothing’s out of reach, Jay. Write it all down.”
When Jared is done, Jensen tells him they’ll work on scratching things off. Promises to help Jared through all of the things.
“What’s the first thing on your list?” Jensen seems really excited about it, rubbing his hands together.
“Um, learn driving?”
“Driving it is then.” Jensen’s grin is blinding.
Soon enough, Jared gets his learner’s permit. They celebrate with pizza and cheesecake.
Slowly, they start scratching things off the list. Music concert, art museum, volunteering at a pet shelter, bonfire on a full-moon night, learning basketball-sooner or later, it all happens.
Jared’s still left with some major things he needs to scratch off the list, and all this while, he tries to prepare himself for it.
“I… I want to finish high school.” Jared says quietly over dinner one night. When he hears no response, he looks up from his plate.
Jensen’s looking at him intently. He seems surprised, but he’s smiling. “I’ve been waiting to hear you say that. Of course! Whatever you want, Jay. That’s… that’s great!” He looks proud. So proud!
Jared smiles. He decides to start over his senior year. There’s just too much he missed for him to catch up at this point.
It might not be easy, but he really wants to do this. Wants to finish high school. Wants to go to college. Wants to be the man he once wanted to be.
~*~*~
He starts school a month after he turns eighteen. It isn’t easy for him-he’s still the shy, new kid-but it isn’t as hard as he imagined. People are actually nice here. Dr. Olsson tells him he’s doing great. Jensen just keeps telling how proud he is of Jared for growing so much over the past year.
And every single time Jensen says that, Jared feels alive all over again, his heart expanding a little.
Seeing how the ‘make a list’ thing was a great idea, Jared decides to make a new list every year on his birthday, pretty determined on scratch things off one after the other. He didn’t make a new one on his eighteenth birthday though, because there’s still one thing left on his current list.
Under the dim glow of the bed lamp, in the late hours of night, he reads the words over and over again, sweaty palms clutching at the now creased paper. It’s a big risk, and needs a lot of courage. If it goes wrong, it’ll destroy him, but he decides it’s definitely worth a try.
Jensen’s words play like a record in his head.
Words over gestures.
Gotta speak up, buddy!
You need to tell people what you think, Jay. It’s essential for survival.
It’s true. Every word is. He needs to do this. All his life, he sat back and silently took the punches life threw at him, but now he knows. Knows that he can make an attempt instead of just letting things take their own course. Just like he did trying to get away from his father. Just like he did when he decided to finish high school. If this fails, at least he won’t regret not trying.
He wakes up early on a Sunday morning-not that he could sleep well all night-showers, gets ready, and looks at the list one last time before shoving it in the pocket of his jeans. He makes coffee and breakfast, and waits for Jensen to wake up.
Jensen steps into the living room almost forty minutes later, smelling like shower gel and aftershave. Jared smiles, mumbling a good morning, and tips his head towards the dining table where the now cold breakfast is waiting. Jared curses himself for that.
“You made breakfast? That’s great, Jay. Smells good, too.”
“Yeah. I woke up early. It’s cold now though. Sorry about that.”
“Eh, don’t bother. I bet it still tastes good.”
Jared hopes so.
They’re halfway into their breakfast when Jensen looks at him funny. “Something wrong, buddy? You look all worked up.”
“Uh…” He wants to chicken out so bad, but this the right time, Jared knows. “Yeah. Th-there’s this one thing left on my list.”
Jensen looks genuinely intered. “Yeah? What’s that. We’ll get that done, too. We’ve been doing great so far. You have been doing great.”
“No. You… you can’t really do anything about it. This one’s for me.”
“Uh huh!” Jensen puts down his fork, takes a sip of his coffee, and looks at Jared quirking an eyebrow. “You will tell me though, right?”
Jared gets up from his chair, gnawing on his bottom lip, his heart beating a million miles per hour. “C-can we sit on the couch?”
Jensen just looks worried now. “Sure, Jay. Everything OK?”
Once they’re sitting on the couch, Jared takes a deep breath and takes Jensen’s hands in his own.
“I like you.” He blurts out, too high on adrenaline to be poetic about it. “I really like you, Jensen. This past year, you’ve been my everything. At first I thought it was just attraction that would eventually go away, but it didn’t. I tried to fight it initially. Thought I stood no chance, that I’d never be worthy of you. I felt, by harboring such feelings, I was being so ungrateful for everything you’ve done for me , but…” He’s out of breath, panting like he just ran a marathon. “You’re on my mind all the time. I stopped fighting. I understood it wasn’t infatuation. I realized I like you. More than just like you, actually.” The chuckle that escapes him is so awkward and out of place, but it’s better than the big, L-word he was about to say. That needs to wait. “And if you want to kick me out after this, I… that’s OK. I just wanted you to know. I owe this to myself.”
Jared’s pretty sure he’s ten seconds away from passing out, and to make matters worse, Jensen’s staring at him. Staring blankly, like he didn’t understand a word Jared just said.
Jared’s almost ready to bolt out of the door when Jensen finally moves. “Shit, Jay!” He leans forward, cupping Jared’s face. Jared feels like it’s all happening in slow motion. “Shit! Took you long enough.” Jensen bumps their noses together, resting his forehead on Jared’s, breath mingling with his. “Never thought you’d be interested. Thought I’d never get to do this.” With that, he brushes his lips against Jared's. Soft, sincere, and sure.
Once.
Twice.
Three times.
Oh? Oh!
There are some questions floating around in Jared’s mind. Really? Since when? Why? He wants to ask Jensen, but feels too out of it at the moment. He’s on an adrenaline high, having made the most sincere confession of his life-that was pretty hard to do, Jared won’t lie-and he just wants to bask in it.
It all feels like a dream, too easy to be true. In fact he isn’t a hundred percent sure what just happened was for real, and he doesn’t really want to find out right now. So closes his eyes, nuzzling Jensen’s neck, just absorbing everything that is Jensen-the warmth around him, the heavy weight that’s assurance on his lower back, the tingle of his lips, and the air around him. All Jensen.
He doesn’t know how much time passes, it could be hours, before he hears Jensen whisper, “Where’s that list, sweetheart?”
His heat leaps a little at the pet name. He loves it. “H-hold on!”
“Uh huh.” Jensen sounds just as breathy.
He feels around in his back pocket, and pulls out the crumpled, messy paper, and hands it to Jensen, their fingers brushing.
Together, they scratch off the last thing on the list scrawled in bold letters.
Tell Jensen how I feel.
~J~J~
A/N : Woot! There you go. Thoughts and feels? Questions? Do let me know. :)
You can find me on twitter - @chamsp.
Thank you for reading. <3