I ain't got no crystal ball

[champeriffic]

I hate not knowing. I hate that feeling of not knowing where my life is heading. I spent about a year in college not knowing what I wanted for a career. I always had it in my head that I wanted to be a teacher. Then I did some tutoring and I decided I wasn't going to get any fulfillment out of teaching. That was a hard time in my life. I no longer had an image of what life was going to be like 3 years out. I know not everything has to be planned that far in advance. But I'm a planner and an organizer. That's just the type of person I am. I like knowing what comes next and what comes after that and after that. That may be part of the reason why I've wanted to stay in Martinez forever. Martinez is familiar. I know what to expect here. There is a part of me that really doesn't like the idea of having my whole life planned out for me. But the part of me that is afraid of change needs a plan.

I've gone through a lot of changes lately. Robert and I called off the wedding, we broke up, I moved. In a couple weeks I'm going to be moving again. These are HUGE changes. The one thing that has stayed consistent is my job. But before too long that will be changing also. I got my CMA certificate in the mail a few days ago. That was very exciting, but also very scary. I'm looking forward to putting my certification to use. But the idea of changing jobs right now seems like a little much. Luckily I work for my friends who love me and are willing to give me as much time as I need.

Right now I just wish I could see the future. I want to know the ending. I want to know that I'm going to find what I'm looking for.