why do we crucify ourselves?
i feel like a typical teenager i guess.
i go through these periods of complete clarity. i know who my friends are, i know who i love, i know what i want, i know what i'm good at, i know who i am.
i plan out my future with ease, search colleges like its my job and formulate this plan of safeties/good matches/reaches, like i'm supposed to do. i take the tests, i float through senior year dreaming about where i'll end up.
but in truth everything i think i know, everything i feel, is in this uncontrollable storm around me.
sometimes i get sucked into it. and i can't sing. i can't leave my house. i don't know where i am. i don't know who i am. i don't know why i think i know where i will like to go to college. i can't imagine leaving everything i know for four years. i wonder why there is this system in which you leave your parents during probably the most crucial, hard time of their lives. everyone is getting older, everything is changing, and you have to go through the fucking motions on some college campus.
one moment i'm completely over it. really. and i drift through my day with a smile on my face, completely unaffected... and that same night i will walk outside and the wind and the cold and the beautiful moon and stars above break me open and i start crying as if he had kissed me and said he didn't love me and walked away.
but no, it was much more painful than that.
i don't know what we were or what we are or even if i'll ever see him again.
sometimes i love him completely and sometimes i hate him completely.
all without even talking to him ever?!
i am crazy, and i hate him for making me crazy.
it would take almost nothing to make me uncrazy but he can't even pay me that courtesy.
how can something that was the largest part of you suddenly disappear? how is that possible? i can't believe anything but that i must still be a part of his life, but in truth i know nothing even hinting to this.
i don't know who camille fisher is, what this life i label "mine" is, what i want, where i am going or even if i want to deal with it all.
i have these illusions about what i deserve and its eating me alive. even over a year later.
i don't know why we all try so hard when we know so much less and are in control of so much less than we think we are.
the only things i do know right now are who my two best friends are and thats all that keeps me going.
i go through these periods of complete clarity. i know who my friends are, i know who i love, i know what i want, i know what i'm good at, i know who i am.
i plan out my future with ease, search colleges like its my job and formulate this plan of safeties/good matches/reaches, like i'm supposed to do. i take the tests, i float through senior year dreaming about where i'll end up.
but in truth everything i think i know, everything i feel, is in this uncontrollable storm around me.
sometimes i get sucked into it. and i can't sing. i can't leave my house. i don't know where i am. i don't know who i am. i don't know why i think i know where i will like to go to college. i can't imagine leaving everything i know for four years. i wonder why there is this system in which you leave your parents during probably the most crucial, hard time of their lives. everyone is getting older, everything is changing, and you have to go through the fucking motions on some college campus.
one moment i'm completely over it. really. and i drift through my day with a smile on my face, completely unaffected... and that same night i will walk outside and the wind and the cold and the beautiful moon and stars above break me open and i start crying as if he had kissed me and said he didn't love me and walked away.
but no, it was much more painful than that.
i don't know what we were or what we are or even if i'll ever see him again.
sometimes i love him completely and sometimes i hate him completely.
all without even talking to him ever?!
i am crazy, and i hate him for making me crazy.
it would take almost nothing to make me uncrazy but he can't even pay me that courtesy.
how can something that was the largest part of you suddenly disappear? how is that possible? i can't believe anything but that i must still be a part of his life, but in truth i know nothing even hinting to this.
i don't know who camille fisher is, what this life i label "mine" is, what i want, where i am going or even if i want to deal with it all.
i have these illusions about what i deserve and its eating me alive. even over a year later.
i don't know why we all try so hard when we know so much less and are in control of so much less than we think we are.
the only things i do know right now are who my two best friends are and thats all that keeps me going.