please don't be mad at me you'll get what you ask for
Title: Untitled (00 & 01/?)
Rating: N/A
Pairing: Zaylor
Notes: This is the beginning of a new story. I'm not sure what it's going to be called yet, but I'm thinking.
I'm re-posting 00 because I noticed spelling errors and mistakes I made. If you ever see anything you think needs to be corrected please tell me, I would be much appreciative.
Do you remember when we were young and you said 'I love you'?
You do?
Well, I was scared then.
I was scared you were going to break my heart.
So I broke yours instead.
Were you sincere when we were young and you said 'I love you'?
You were?
Well, here I am, same old me.
Are you the same old you?
You are?
Good, 'cause I love you, too.
00
When we were extremely young, big brother, you told me you were in love with me. I was terrified. We weren't supposed to like boys in that way, let alone each other.
When you told me how you felt, the wheels in my head began turning. I knew I'd always felt something different toward you than the rest of the population. My lingering gazes were never for girls, or anyone else for that matter. They were only for you. The butterflies in my stomach never went bonkers when someone else touched me. It only happened when you did. My brain always went into overdrive when you were around. That's how it was; how it still is.
I wanted you to kiss me. I dreamed of your kisses. I wanted you to caress me the way our older brother, Isaac, caressed his girlfriend the time you and I walked in on them. I dreamed of your caresses. I wanted you to hold me, tell me everything would be okay even though we both knew nothing was going to be okay as long as we lived in places where everyone knew us.
It's too bad I was so afraid to realize how much I loved you. That I was in love with you. I may have been young, but so were you. You were so sure of us. You tried so hard to convince me everything would be okay.
I'm sorry I didn't believe you. I'm sorry it took me so long to realize just how much I love you, that I'm in love with you.
01
By the time I realized I could no longer deny my feelings for you like those you had for me, I was finally beginning to be able to process the situation.
You had just been told by our parents it wasn't okay to be a homosexual. You were told by your friends they couldn't be around you because of the same reason.
You only had me. What did I care if you were gay? I had feelings for you, too.
I was scared, though. So you technically didn't truly have me.
I was so scared of everything. I was scared of the way society would cast me out for being in love with my big brother. I was scared of losing those who meant most to me--my friends, my family, you.
You told me, big brother, I would never lose you. How could you have been so sure? I didn't understand. How can anyone be so sure of the future and what it holds? I could lose you somewhere down the line and be completely on my own. I wouldn't even be on my own if I got the nerve to be as brave as you were. Either way, I could never survive on my own.
Supposedly I was brave in your eyes. I wasn't, though, and despite the fact you told me I was, I knew you weren't telling me the truth. How could I be classified as brave? I was too afraid of everything to be classified as such.
I shouldn't have ignored you when you told me as long as we had each other we would survive. We could have been brave together, you said. I should have listened.
I wanted to believe you, I really did. I just didn't think I would be able to survive without our family like you had. Family was always so important to us when we were small children, and for me, it continues to be so. I didn't want to lose them like you had. If only I had realized sooner I didn't need anyone but you to lead a content life, we could have been together back then.
Our parents called you a pariah. They said they couldn't have a person like you in the family. They told the rest of us kids if we turned out how you had then we would receive a punishment far more severe than yours. I could never picture what could be worse than losing your parents, no matter how narrow-minded they are.
I was wrong to be scared of all those things. I'm ashamed I was. There was no reason to be afraid of us. A person is how they are, there should be no exceptions. You've taught me to be proud of who I am: a mixed-up boy who is in love with his big brother.
I couldn't be happier.
You can leave comments if you wish, but please remember I bear no ill will to anyone who does not wish to. :)