Who needs Salma Hayek... Gar is MY muse

Nov 07, 2007 22:28

I like this feeling. I haven't felt it in a while. Feeling like I gotta say something, not quite sure what, just knowing there's something inside that wants to come out and LJ is the way to do it. Maybe because it connects me one of my closest friends (I say one of cause, let's be real, it's me and Gar, the rest of the LJ crew hit the bricks long ago). It also just allows me to verbalize (or type...) things inside that I could just speak into the empty air around me.... but at least this way gives me something concrete to look at and makes me feel a little less crazy.

Don't look back in anger. A wise group of gentleman from England once said that.

How do I set the stage... how do I establish a platform to jump off of. How do I put my words into proper context. How do I make sure I don`t come off sounding like a total moron?

My friend is on a journey of self discovery that has taken him clear across the world. My own journey has only taken me a few county lines over from the place of my youth, but it still feels big. It still feels strange. Though I could floor it and be 'home' in time for Jay Leno... if I ever watched him.... I feel like I've sailed off the edge of the map.

And no, that's not just a geographical metaphor. It's a personal one too.

Do you want the god's honest, Hiroshima sized bomb dropped on you?

My professional life is better than it has ever been. I have a great job working with great people doing something that is, at its best, awesome and at its worst, mildly annoying. A far cry from the days of grease splatters and piss drenched dressing rooms. Things haven't been better. So why am I sailing in unchartered waters?

Because the captain lost his compass long ago.

Here's the bomb, you may want to step aside.

I don't know who I am anymore.

Truth is, I can't remember the last time I did.

So much is changing... so much has changed. I've changed. It's a concept that seems almost impossible, so stuck in the past and my old ways have I been for so long, but I know I'm not who I used to be. In some ways, I know I'm not who I'm supposed to be.

Not who I want to be.

Does any of this make sense? I guess you'll have to bear with me if it doesn't.

Life is a journey of self discovery, one that is never truly completed until we're called to the next part of the path. Or called home, if you prefer. All we have is the moment, to do with what we can, to 'be' everything we can be. In a big bad G.I. Joe kind of a way.

You've got to live in those moments, every single one.

And when I stop in the moment and look inside, I'm not sure who is looking back.

Maybe it's because, for such a long time, I've defined myself by who others see me as. I play so many different roles with so many different people. I can be charismatic and entertaining to one person, shy and quiet to another. Brimming with confidence in front of somebody only to turn around and feel completely insecure in front of another. My compass is all over the map, and unlike Jack Sparrow's, it doesn't seem to be pointing anywhere in particular.

I mean, okay, we all fall into roles in our relationships. Spend ages with somebody and it becomes like clockwork. I joke, he laughs. He zigs, I zag. I smile, you cry. Every friendship, every relationship, has its code, its DNA that seems set in stone, even if, on the inside, we feel like we outgrew the part long ago.

Maybe it's like an actor who has played the same part for too long. I know I can be.... I hesitate to say more. I'm not sure that's the right word. I know I can be something else. I know I can add things to myself, take things away, and 'be'.... in the moment.... something else. Something that I think, at this point, I'd rather be.

I don't want to always be dry, introspection man! That's one boring ass superhero who's comic I would never buy. I want to be action man! I know my skill, my calling, is the written word. I'm a storyteller, first and foremost, but.... a writer needs something to write ABOUT. He needs to have lived. To have loved, and lost. To have fought, and won, and been beaten within an inch of his life and live to tell the tale. He needs to have kissed the most beautiful woman in the world, fought the biggest dragon, suffered the harshest of heartbreaks, won it all and lost it only to find it again.

He needs to have lived.

Somewhere in my journey, I forgot to do that.

I've taken positive steps towards my future while still dragging junk from the past. I still feel insecurities I had in public school. I look at girls the same way I did in high school. I miss times and places that don't exist anymore. I carry excess weight I should have lost years ago. As much movement as I make, a part of me feels like it's clawing to stay put.

Is it making any more sense yet?

I am, in fact, pretty proud of the change I have created in my life this year. I can't even really explain it. It's not something I really set out to do. I can't say I had every step planned out. Part of my heart still wishes to be in my bedroom at mom and dad's, living the life I used to live, but a bigger part called be out to an adventure I didn't understand, couldn't fathom, and went on anyway. I felt the call to something more than what I had, and I answered it. I recognize that, and I'm proud of it. In less than half a year, my life changed at an alarming rate. In positive ways. In necessary ways. I feel like a man with a new suit on, who needs the final accessory to complete the ensemble.

Or a guy with a new car, with only three wheels.

I'm ready to continue this journey, but how can I if I haven't made peace with the past?

Gar is fighting new battles. Winning new beauties. For that (and a laundry list of other things) he has my utmost respect.

I have been called to a new battlefield... and have taken my place there.... but I'm looking around for the same old enemies. The same old comrades.

They're not there.

This is a personal war, one I need to fight on my own. It's my own journey of self discovery. Searching inside and finding the truest expression of who Jason Chamberlain has it in him to be in this moment.

THIS moment. Not the one I blew five years ago. Not the one where I didn't kiss the girl. Not the one where I did, and shouldn't have. Not the one where I did, and it was perfect.

THIS moment. Not the one where I gave up when I shouldn't have. Not the one when I accepted less than my best. Not the one where I made the bad choice.

Each and every moment is prescious.... and you need to treat it as such, but then, you have to take that prescious moment and throw it away. Once it is in the past, it has no worth to you. Aside from being a pleasant memory, that past moment can do nothing for you, and trying to analyze it, relive it, understand it, explain it.... gets you nowhere.

BELIEVE ME. I know.

I don't know if there's anybody out there who, in this moment, thinks ill of me. I don't know if it should matter if there is. I don't know if, at this moment, there is somewhere else I should be. Something else I should be doing.

I am finding truer expressions of myself. I am taking actions I once wouldn't have.

A year ago I had a bedroom, a dusty diploma and a spatula in hand.

Now I have an apartment, a career and a business card. A desk, and a telephone. A role to play.

I missed hockey. Now I'm playing as well as I ever have. I missed writing. Now it's all I do.

I've made changes. And change begets more change. Success breeds success. And yeah, I want more.

I don't want to fear, or mourn, the past. That's old. I don't want to miss people I don't know anymore, and maybe never did. That's old too.

I don't want to do something just because I did it yesterday. That's long past its due date. I don't want to have a body I'm not proud of, head to toe. That has gotta go.

When I think of who I want to be, I think of words like.... compassionate. Caring. Strong. Honorable. Responsible. Powerful. Genuine. Sweet, even.

I don't want some of it here, some of it there. I want all of it, all the time. I know it's a tall order. But more and more I feel like I have the power to be special. More and more I feel like I can be a truly be ME. I feel like I can be strong and still hold a hand gently. I feel like I can care about others and still put myself first (with me). I feel like I can be all these different things I want to be. I can be an athlete and read comics. I can love Star Wars and be in a band. I can talk about the geekiest things and then win the hottest girl.

I feel like I can make a difference.

I don't feel like I AM making a difference.

But I feel like I CAN.

And that's what I want. That's the destination I've reached tonight.

I want to look in the mirror.... in the infinite moment....

.... and see a man who makes a difference.

Today.
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