-
Dear Amber,
This past Sunday marked the 17th anniversary of your passing. When I think about you, I can still hear your laugh and remember how your voice sounded. The picture of you in my head has never faded; your eyes and smile are bright and alive in my memory. Sadly, Amy and I don't talk anymore. I can't look into her eyes without thinking about you. We tried our best to intervene and to change your life for the better, but we didn't understand how big the problem really was. Amy and I have different lives, and I don't know if I will ever be okay with us going our separate ways but I don't have a choice. She chooses not to dwell on what happened in the past, and I have never stopped thinking about you.
I saw a picture of your newest nephew, Phoenix, a few days ago. He is so precious. Your brother is so grown up and responsible, but still so troubled. He presents himself as living the 'gangster' lifestyle, I worry about him. He's married to a beautiful girl and has a cute family, you would be incredibly proud. He mentioned that your mom has been sick off and on over the last few months, I hope you are watching over her and giving her comfort. I only met him a couple of times while you were alive, and if it wasn't for facebook I'd have no idea how he is doing because he moved away to Regina. Technology _can_ be wonderful.
I keep searching through old photos to try and find a picture of you, but it seems as though any pictures I had of you are gone. I have only been able to find 1 picture of Amy and I, you must have taken it. It's crazy that were friends for only a year, and now it feels like I've been missing you my whole life. I tried to stick by Amy and protect her after you were gone but she didn't want me around most of the time. I still have the prayer card from your funeral, I keep it where I can see it so I won't lose it. I've never been to a funeral since. I'm too sensitive; it's too hard.
I didn't make it out to your grave on Sunday, but I thought about you all day. It was a Sunday when I found out you had killed yourself, I remember wishing it wasn't true for hours after I received the phone call. I still wonder if you would be alive today if Amy and I hadn't gone camping without you. You were avoiding us, or Billy told you that you couldn't see us anymore. I don't know. Why you were drinking and how you were able to hang yourself if your blood alcohol level was well above the legal limit, I don't know either. I'm sorry that you called for help and that no one was there to take your call. I wish you had made one more call and asked the police for help, I might be meeting you for coffee later instead of writing this pathetically sad letter that you will never read.
I question my ability to be a good friend on a regular basis. I ignore people because it's easier for me to be alone than to be a part of someone else's life. I'm told that I come on too strongly, I genuinely care about the people I call friend and that feels like smothering/craziness/controlling to some people. I have an entire rollercoaster of emotions that I mentally and physically experience from day to day. I always worry that I haven't done enough for my friends, then feel crushed when they don't do anything in return for me. I could probably benefit from medication but I'm afraid I wouldn't be me anymore. I keep trying to find my way back to the moment in time before I failed you miserably. That's how it feels; that you died because I was a shitty friend who wasn't there for you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
I always remember the time that you told me that you would be a cat in your next life. I don't know what I said I would be in my next life, I can't seem to recall now. Every time I see a cat when I'm outside, I call to it and try to coax it to me so I can pet it. I never know when you will cross my path again. I will also remember the time that you put a glow in the dark star sticker on my new onyx pendant necklace and said that I'd always have a light in the dark. You had it when you died, I wish I had been able to get it back but it's gone forever. It's been really dark, at times so dark that I've lost my way. I think I can see the light again, just wish you were here to see it with me.
It's possible that we wouldn't be friends anymore if you were still here, but I'd take that over never being able to see you again. I'll never run into you at the store, never meet your kids, never catch up over coffee. I get to go out to the cemetery and talk to a stone that marks where your body was buried. I bring flowers and trinkets that you will never see to comfort myself, and talk to myself wishing you could hear me...
Loving, missing and thinking of you always,
Am.
This past Sunday marked the 17th anniversary of your passing. When I think about you, I can still hear your laugh and remember how your voice sounded. The picture of you in my head has never faded; your eyes and smile are bright and alive in my memory. Sadly, Amy and I don't talk anymore. I can't look into her eyes without thinking about you. We tried our best to intervene and to change your life for the better, but we didn't understand how big the problem really was. Amy and I have different lives, and I don't know if I will ever be okay with us going our separate ways but I don't have a choice. She chooses not to dwell on what happened in the past, and I have never stopped thinking about you.
I saw a picture of your newest nephew, Phoenix, a few days ago. He is so precious. Your brother is so grown up and responsible, but still so troubled. He presents himself as living the 'gangster' lifestyle, I worry about him. He's married to a beautiful girl and has a cute family, you would be incredibly proud. He mentioned that your mom has been sick off and on over the last few months, I hope you are watching over her and giving her comfort. I only met him a couple of times while you were alive, and if it wasn't for facebook I'd have no idea how he is doing because he moved away to Regina. Technology _can_ be wonderful.
I keep searching through old photos to try and find a picture of you, but it seems as though any pictures I had of you are gone. I have only been able to find 1 picture of Amy and I, you must have taken it. It's crazy that were friends for only a year, and now it feels like I've been missing you my whole life. I tried to stick by Amy and protect her after you were gone but she didn't want me around most of the time. I still have the prayer card from your funeral, I keep it where I can see it so I won't lose it. I've never been to a funeral since. I'm too sensitive; it's too hard.
I didn't make it out to your grave on Sunday, but I thought about you all day. It was a Sunday when I found out you had killed yourself, I remember wishing it wasn't true for hours after I received the phone call. I still wonder if you would be alive today if Amy and I hadn't gone camping without you. You were avoiding us, or Billy told you that you couldn't see us anymore. I don't know. Why you were drinking and how you were able to hang yourself if your blood alcohol level was well above the legal limit, I don't know either. I'm sorry that you called for help and that no one was there to take your call. I wish you had made one more call and asked the police for help, I might be meeting you for coffee later instead of writing this pathetically sad letter that you will never read.
I question my ability to be a good friend on a regular basis. I ignore people because it's easier for me to be alone than to be a part of someone else's life. I'm told that I come on too strongly, I genuinely care about the people I call friend and that feels like smothering/craziness/controlling to some people. I have an entire rollercoaster of emotions that I mentally and physically experience from day to day. I always worry that I haven't done enough for my friends, then feel crushed when they don't do anything in return for me. I could probably benefit from medication but I'm afraid I wouldn't be me anymore. I keep trying to find my way back to the moment in time before I failed you miserably. That's how it feels; that you died because I was a shitty friend who wasn't there for you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
I always remember the time that you told me that you would be a cat in your next life. I don't know what I said I would be in my next life, I can't seem to recall now. Every time I see a cat when I'm outside, I call to it and try to coax it to me so I can pet it. I never know when you will cross my path again. I will also remember the time that you put a glow in the dark star sticker on my new onyx pendant necklace and said that I'd always have a light in the dark. You had it when you died, I wish I had been able to get it back but it's gone forever. It's been really dark, at times so dark that I've lost my way. I think I can see the light again, just wish you were here to see it with me.
It's possible that we wouldn't be friends anymore if you were still here, but I'd take that over never being able to see you again. I'll never run into you at the store, never meet your kids, never catch up over coffee. I get to go out to the cemetery and talk to a stone that marks where your body was buried. I bring flowers and trinkets that you will never see to comfort myself, and talk to myself wishing you could hear me...
Loving, missing and thinking of you always,
Am.