Manifesting

Apr 06, 2006 09:50

Today, I started deleting things and people. For me it's really scary when my "dreams" start coming true. Not in the "be careful what you wish for. . . ." sense, but when energies align, things start manisfesting, and it becomes evident beyond denial that one's current course of action and the next steps are not necessarily predetermined, but somehow in the flowing and leading up to something unimaginable.

I've seen this happen in other peoples lives, and now it's happening in mine [Smiths' line out of context but apropro]. I have friends that have dropped everything that they knew for a dream or a chance at something different, they took a risk and win or lose in the end. . ., well winning or losing didn't matter, they did it anyway, they LIVED.

As for myself, I've felt like the walking dead for years. Somehow, I've managed to keep myself going with the least effort possible. I passed classes, studying the bare minimum, "communicated" [verbal communication--my world would be complete if I had a large caption monitor on the side of my head, and could somehow type the subtext to everything I'm saying] by saying the bare minimum, kept myself alive by eating the bare minimum, kept "friends" who had absolutely no regard for me, all of that to assert to myself that I deserved no better. I am adept at not taking risks, the "risks" I do take are highly calculated and I have a way of thinking myself out of nearly everything for fear of change or the unknown. It's so silly because, there is nothing we can really know any ol' way.

The thing is old habits die hard BUT die they must. That way of being was not and is not very life afirming for me. I don't want to be the walking dead, there is life in me though I'm very good at denying it. The thing is I have to let go of many false perceptions of mySelf, another thing is I am lacking vision and haven't found some other "better" self-perception on which to grasp. I know that perceptions of self/other are false whether they be positive or negative--they are tools for gathering and processing information. I know that these feelings will pass, but I'm feeling a little lost, afraid and alone, okay a lot lost and very afraid and ultimately some things must be done alone. Besides these are just feelings and I know what to do with them.

I think this is my real motivation for hospice care. Don't get me wrong I'm really excited about it and energetically/symbolically the opportunity to volunteer is right on time. I will be up close and personal and involved in the process of dying/ letting go. I will learn to support those who are passing and those who stay behind and watch how they approach death. I know it IS NOT quite the same, but I am just as attached to the "negative" aspects of myself as I am to life itself at this point in my development. It is grievous and painful to think that in order to go forward, I must leave so much of what I thought of as myself behind. We get to plan our own funeral as part of sensitivity training to the process, and I plan on burying as much of my old self as possible. I'm actually thinking of having some sort of ceremony in which I write down the perceptions that no longer serve me, burn them, put the ashes into some special place and [GD this is some serious stuff--gonna hafta take a I'm tearing up break and have a moment in the ladies room]. Yeah so I need to honor the defense mechanisms that got me this far, put them to rest. I can burn incense and offer flowers, in honor of the memory but all the SIGNS are saying it's time to let go.

I hold on to that old stuff like I hold on to my clutter. I can clearly see how I hold onto everything my emotions, my spoken words. I'm either holding back or holding on so it's hard to move most times. I'm hoping that caring for others will help me learn to and give myself permission to care about myself.

To end on a positive note. I am extremely grateful for the people and friends known virtually and in real life for lending their vision to me when my sight fails, for the words of encouragement for being there in whatever capacity they could. It may not be a big deal at the time, but kind words and thoughts so easily said/felt can mean the world to another person.

Well, I've got the work of 4 people to do at work today, and there's only me here. I better get crack the whip on myself--show myself that motivation I think I lack.
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