College and Tatiana

Sep 06, 2005 13:33

Well well, where do I begin... I know I have not posted in a while. So college... it has been actually kinda sucky... well not the school part of it but the socializing part. I like my classes thusfar with the exception of English, my teacher looks like Frankenstein's Monster. So thusfar I have gone into the city twice with Russo Both times I had a relitivly good time. Last time we got some Churchill's and spend like two hours smoking them. Well let me address what is predominitly in my mind right now... Tatiana. Last night we broke up. I told her that I was going to the movies, but in reality I was watching the football game with some of the people on my floor and having a couple of beers. So yeah... I did not want to make any stupid phone calls so I gave my phone to this girl named Merced, in short Merced picks up the phone and tells Tatiana what I was doing. Tatiana called me later crying. I don't know, she loved me so much and I feel like shit for what I did to her. I know that we cannot ever be back together, due to the fact that we already had trust problems and then this just put the nail in the coffen. Sigh... College has been so stressful that I have been treating Tatiana like shit, this is just the icing on the cake. I have just conceeded to myself that I'm an idiot. Maybe what Tatiana said yesterday was right, that I am only with her because I'm lonley. I feel terrible, but maybe it was the best thing for both of us I suppose. I put all of her pictures away in a box... in a way I am desperitly waiting for her to call, and in another sense I don't want her to call me ever again. It is really strange how school comes secondary... I mean like I would do work if I had any. With regards to Tatiana it is really just a vicious cycle. I mean I would lie to her because she would not trust me doing things like that, and then I would get caught and then leading to more mistrust. If Tatiana was alright with me going to watch the football game and have a drink or two with the guys I would not lie about it. There was plenty of hot single girls there, but even under the influence of two 40 ounces and two shots I did not even think of cheating on her. But it's not like any of that matters anymore... that trust that was lost will never be regained. I will miss her, and I can only hope that after a week or two we can a least be friends. I'm trying to not be derpessed or anything, looking forward to the future. Tatiana will be missed she was my first in everything... Tatiana if you do read this please understand I'm not asking for your forgiveness, but I am sorry for what I did. Well thats my depressing story... I'll try to post regurally now. But I have to go to theology now.

TTYL
Hartmann
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