Update from a completely different person
I read back on my previous entries to see how far I needed to fill you all in. I feels like I’m reading the diary of someone else, remembering how I felt in those circumstances. Decipline has never been a strength of mine. I put off writing here. I barely wrote in my personal diary. Many entries that run out of focus effort after a paragraph or two.
Catch up time. I’ll concentrate on the transition stuff because this is a transition blog.
Here’s the short version:
January: Dad in hospital, 2nd T shot
March: Dad out and in of hospital
April: J and I break up, I move to Sister’s in Melbourne, dog stays with J, Dad in intensive care, 3rd T shot
May: I move to Mum’s, Dad in palliative care, Dad dies
June: back to work
July: Uncle dies, hours at work reduced for health
August: chest reconstruction surgery, 4th T shot. 3 weeks off work spent in Rio time zone
September: binder free
That’s a lot to process in a short amount of time.
My body has changed beyond belief. I started hitting the gym quite intensely with a new old friend. The shape of my jaw and brow have changed a lot. I’ve lost a lot of fat. My voice is hugely different, I’m really starting to love it. I have a lot of fuzz on my cheeks and under my chin. I pass 100% of the time while clothed. I am a very very lucky man.
I’m experimenting with clothes more than ever. It’s becoming more and more fun, the less involved getting dressed is. Two less layers at all times makes it quicker to get ready. Except I get distracted by my own reflection, sometimes! The opp shops of Melbourne are gold mines. I’ll confess I have bought one new pair of jeans and one new work shirt from H&M. But the jeans were $15, and the shirt is wonderful. It has planes on it! Makes me smile. My clothes are starting to say what I want them to say.
Biggest change of all: surgery done. I’ve gone from DD at my biggest to nothing but some swelling, some baby fat and a fair bit of muscle. Turns out all those push ups helped, it was amazing to finally get all the bandages off and look at shape, muscle and skeleton in a whole new way.
I lost two body parts, permanently, deliberately. I feel as free as I ever had, maybe second to when I was a kid and didn’t have to be anything specifically. Walking straighter and taller is so much easier without a binder. Without any pressure on my chest at all. The medical binder got pretty uncomfortable for the first 4 weeks, but since, boom. We were gifted with a few days of good weather and I’ve worn a single layer. I comfortably and confidently walked all day in nothing but a cotton button up. Big fan of wearing pyjama bottoms and no shirt. All these little boobless fantasies I’ve had through out my life are coming true. I even rode my bike without a shirt on a few nights ago. It was sensational. Not back in the gym yet since surgery, hopefully will get the green light this Friday. I’m so excited to start making steps towards progress, towards football. I’ve had two people independently suggest I play full back, which I take as a compliment.
Going through 4 or 5 major life changes at once. Moving back to Melbourne has been both a challenge and a party. Same with being single. When I got my car the whole state opened up for me. There’s been a lot of catching up with friends after too long. A lot of becoming better friends with the people I already knew. And a fair bit of new people I’ve met simply because being in Melbourne means I’m required to leave the house. It’s as cool as it is overwhelming. Suddenly my calendar has something on two out of every three days. Rural city I was in before made solitude so easy. Now it’s either far away, middle of the night, or dodgy. And I miss dog more than missing a human has ever felt like.
Gonna move from Mum’s soon. Things here were pretty crazy over the last few months. We’ve all been looking after each other. But it’s time for me to get that next level of independence and putting myself first. And I’m very lucky I’ve got a lot of support in that decision.
Despite a lot of hard times, I’m happy. I’m enjoying the ability to live my life as myself, with less and less hesitation every time. There are plenty of situations and circumstances that I’m not happy about, sure. But the difference is that I’m no longer disappointed with myself as a default setting. And that’s a big victory.
Catch up time. I’ll concentrate on the transition stuff because this is a transition blog.
Here’s the short version:
January: Dad in hospital, 2nd T shot
March: Dad out and in of hospital
April: J and I break up, I move to Sister’s in Melbourne, dog stays with J, Dad in intensive care, 3rd T shot
May: I move to Mum’s, Dad in palliative care, Dad dies
June: back to work
July: Uncle dies, hours at work reduced for health
August: chest reconstruction surgery, 4th T shot. 3 weeks off work spent in Rio time zone
September: binder free
That’s a lot to process in a short amount of time.
My body has changed beyond belief. I started hitting the gym quite intensely with a new old friend. The shape of my jaw and brow have changed a lot. I’ve lost a lot of fat. My voice is hugely different, I’m really starting to love it. I have a lot of fuzz on my cheeks and under my chin. I pass 100% of the time while clothed. I am a very very lucky man.
I’m experimenting with clothes more than ever. It’s becoming more and more fun, the less involved getting dressed is. Two less layers at all times makes it quicker to get ready. Except I get distracted by my own reflection, sometimes! The opp shops of Melbourne are gold mines. I’ll confess I have bought one new pair of jeans and one new work shirt from H&M. But the jeans were $15, and the shirt is wonderful. It has planes on it! Makes me smile. My clothes are starting to say what I want them to say.
Biggest change of all: surgery done. I’ve gone from DD at my biggest to nothing but some swelling, some baby fat and a fair bit of muscle. Turns out all those push ups helped, it was amazing to finally get all the bandages off and look at shape, muscle and skeleton in a whole new way.
I lost two body parts, permanently, deliberately. I feel as free as I ever had, maybe second to when I was a kid and didn’t have to be anything specifically. Walking straighter and taller is so much easier without a binder. Without any pressure on my chest at all. The medical binder got pretty uncomfortable for the first 4 weeks, but since, boom. We were gifted with a few days of good weather and I’ve worn a single layer. I comfortably and confidently walked all day in nothing but a cotton button up. Big fan of wearing pyjama bottoms and no shirt. All these little boobless fantasies I’ve had through out my life are coming true. I even rode my bike without a shirt on a few nights ago. It was sensational. Not back in the gym yet since surgery, hopefully will get the green light this Friday. I’m so excited to start making steps towards progress, towards football. I’ve had two people independently suggest I play full back, which I take as a compliment.
Going through 4 or 5 major life changes at once. Moving back to Melbourne has been both a challenge and a party. Same with being single. When I got my car the whole state opened up for me. There’s been a lot of catching up with friends after too long. A lot of becoming better friends with the people I already knew. And a fair bit of new people I’ve met simply because being in Melbourne means I’m required to leave the house. It’s as cool as it is overwhelming. Suddenly my calendar has something on two out of every three days. Rural city I was in before made solitude so easy. Now it’s either far away, middle of the night, or dodgy. And I miss dog more than missing a human has ever felt like.
Gonna move from Mum’s soon. Things here were pretty crazy over the last few months. We’ve all been looking after each other. But it’s time for me to get that next level of independence and putting myself first. And I’m very lucky I’ve got a lot of support in that decision.
Despite a lot of hard times, I’m happy. I’m enjoying the ability to live my life as myself, with less and less hesitation every time. There are plenty of situations and circumstances that I’m not happy about, sure. But the difference is that I’m no longer disappointed with myself as a default setting. And that’s a big victory.