Always has been you....
It's been awhile since I really updated this thing. I mean really, I think the only thing I posted was about Santo dying since April.
I've still been reading my f-list as frequently as I can. For those of you I don't keep in contact with- I use Google Chrome, and it has seriously been the worst thing to deal with over the past few weeks. I started RPing again and it is a challenge to keep myself active just because I don't have the motivation to deal with fighting with it whenever I want to get on LJ. Coming in once a week to check my f-list is one thing but being around enough to keep active and informed in RP? Yeah, this is really putting a damper on all that. I might hiatus for a bit on Monday, but I keep putting it off because I really don't want to.
Let's see. What's been new with me lately. Uh, I've been in a kind of slump recently, honestly. I get all gung-ho about these games and then once I start to get comfortable I start to get paranoid. Which is a really weird combination but... that's how I work apparently. I haven't had the motivation to do much, I have a whole list of things I should be working towards before this convention and it just takes all of my energy to keep my bills paid and get up for work every day. I mean, this is the kind of lack of energy that comes with not being able to comment to an LJ entry because of it's sheer overwhelming length.
My mom has us in these group counseling sessions to try to get communication working in the home. We've had a total of one meeting so far, and my sister wants nothing to do with it. But every time something happens that makes me feel like it has a place in those meetings I remind myself to write it down (and never do).
That thing I posted about awhile back having a melt down? I think it has been resolved. I'm still not allowed to talk about it, even though my mother discusses it with anyone capable of hearing but. The short of it is that my cousin's baby lives with my aunt now where she'll be taken care of. That whole nightmare happening alongside the Anthony trials really made me a difficult person to talk to because I think that woman should be put to death for her part in that child's disappearance. And I am heartless enough to say that I think my cousin should have to deal with the fullest extent of the law for whatever happened in her home, too.
We had inventory this week, which means two nights of scanning movies with no one to interact with and no stimulation so. Of course I had to stand there and think about things until I over-thought them into the ground. Which has really left me disconnected from the world because I did put a lot of thought into things that were never resolved, and even though they might have been (for me anyway) if only I'd been able to really work out my own feelings on it? It really never will be. Inventory always puts me into a really weird place emotionally, too much time on my hands.
My sleep schedule is all fucked up because of it, too - even for me. Normally I'd be in bed by now and I probably have at least two hours of sitting here to do so. We'll see when I can get that fixed. Luckily I don't open again any time soon.
Talking to someone about the difference between codependency and love tonight made me stop to think about things on another topic. Even though I kind of resolved it into the ground for myself during inventory, reminding myself of the promises I made over the years... this really hit home for me. Sometimes, no matter how dependent you are on one another, sometimes it's okay to say we're not healthy for each other and break away. Sometimes it is okay to just.... walk away. To move on, and leave. And that's okay too, because all of that unspoken shit that's bottled up? It's not going to see the surface anyway.
In closing, uh. The car broke down earlier this week. Bob's car, because we don't actually have one. Which limits how we're going to get around at all. With Charlie moving out in a few weeks I won't even have him to ask for help and I think this is really the start of our lives falling apart. Everything's going to change when my sister graduates high school - I've pretty much come to terms with that meaning that I'll probably be living in a shelter somewhere. Anyway, so the car broke down, the house is on the market and my mother has 'pet lady - reptiles' on the calendar for today. Which pretty much can only mean that someone's coming to get my snake and gecko. Yeah, about that communication stuff, mom. About that.....
Anyway. I think I'm starting to become depressed. Like back to that depression I wind up in when someone dies, and I don't know how to handle it. With the con coming up I'm supposed to be looking forward to, that I'm now only attending because I already paid for it- I just don't know what I'm doing with myself anymore.
I think I'm going to get into a relationship with someone that I don't actually have feelings for. I can't do anything to make myself happy anymore so maybe I can at least do something to make them happy. Eventually, I'm not even going to have that going for me, so might as well do it while I still can.
But ... yeah. This just spiraled into extreme negativity and I didn't even cover everything so. I'm going to stop there and spare anyone still reading this the trouble of having more to bother reading.
I've still been reading my f-list as frequently as I can. For those of you I don't keep in contact with- I use Google Chrome, and it has seriously been the worst thing to deal with over the past few weeks. I started RPing again and it is a challenge to keep myself active just because I don't have the motivation to deal with fighting with it whenever I want to get on LJ. Coming in once a week to check my f-list is one thing but being around enough to keep active and informed in RP? Yeah, this is really putting a damper on all that. I might hiatus for a bit on Monday, but I keep putting it off because I really don't want to.
Let's see. What's been new with me lately. Uh, I've been in a kind of slump recently, honestly. I get all gung-ho about these games and then once I start to get comfortable I start to get paranoid. Which is a really weird combination but... that's how I work apparently. I haven't had the motivation to do much, I have a whole list of things I should be working towards before this convention and it just takes all of my energy to keep my bills paid and get up for work every day. I mean, this is the kind of lack of energy that comes with not being able to comment to an LJ entry because of it's sheer overwhelming length.
My mom has us in these group counseling sessions to try to get communication working in the home. We've had a total of one meeting so far, and my sister wants nothing to do with it. But every time something happens that makes me feel like it has a place in those meetings I remind myself to write it down (and never do).
That thing I posted about awhile back having a melt down? I think it has been resolved. I'm still not allowed to talk about it, even though my mother discusses it with anyone capable of hearing but. The short of it is that my cousin's baby lives with my aunt now where she'll be taken care of. That whole nightmare happening alongside the Anthony trials really made me a difficult person to talk to because I think that woman should be put to death for her part in that child's disappearance. And I am heartless enough to say that I think my cousin should have to deal with the fullest extent of the law for whatever happened in her home, too.
We had inventory this week, which means two nights of scanning movies with no one to interact with and no stimulation so. Of course I had to stand there and think about things until I over-thought them into the ground. Which has really left me disconnected from the world because I did put a lot of thought into things that were never resolved, and even though they might have been (for me anyway) if only I'd been able to really work out my own feelings on it? It really never will be. Inventory always puts me into a really weird place emotionally, too much time on my hands.
My sleep schedule is all fucked up because of it, too - even for me. Normally I'd be in bed by now and I probably have at least two hours of sitting here to do so. We'll see when I can get that fixed. Luckily I don't open again any time soon.
Talking to someone about the difference between codependency and love tonight made me stop to think about things on another topic. Even though I kind of resolved it into the ground for myself during inventory, reminding myself of the promises I made over the years... this really hit home for me. Sometimes, no matter how dependent you are on one another, sometimes it's okay to say we're not healthy for each other and break away. Sometimes it is okay to just.... walk away. To move on, and leave. And that's okay too, because all of that unspoken shit that's bottled up? It's not going to see the surface anyway.
In closing, uh. The car broke down earlier this week. Bob's car, because we don't actually have one. Which limits how we're going to get around at all. With Charlie moving out in a few weeks I won't even have him to ask for help and I think this is really the start of our lives falling apart. Everything's going to change when my sister graduates high school - I've pretty much come to terms with that meaning that I'll probably be living in a shelter somewhere. Anyway, so the car broke down, the house is on the market and my mother has 'pet lady - reptiles' on the calendar for today. Which pretty much can only mean that someone's coming to get my snake and gecko. Yeah, about that communication stuff, mom. About that.....
Anyway. I think I'm starting to become depressed. Like back to that depression I wind up in when someone dies, and I don't know how to handle it. With the con coming up I'm supposed to be looking forward to, that I'm now only attending because I already paid for it- I just don't know what I'm doing with myself anymore.
I think I'm going to get into a relationship with someone that I don't actually have feelings for. I can't do anything to make myself happy anymore so maybe I can at least do something to make them happy. Eventually, I'm not even going to have that going for me, so might as well do it while I still can.
But ... yeah. This just spiraled into extreme negativity and I didn't even cover everything so. I'm going to stop there and spare anyone still reading this the trouble of having more to bother reading.