I read your letter to someone again.
I offered to look over a fic for a friend of mine. A friend who is capable of reading this actually, and I hope she doesn't mind the semi-abstract mention... It's always kind of amazed me the way her writing has made me reflect on my own life, made me think about things that have happened - or are happening to me.
This isn't really about her writing, it's about- what it made me think about this time, like nearly every time I ever read anything even remotely like this. It's kind of funny how so many people have that one love, the one person they don't resent finding happiness with someone else. Because their happiness is more important, because being compatible isn't even a chance. Whether because of sexuality, relationship status, location... whatever the reason.
There's that one person, that as long as they're happy- we can get by. Because their happiness is what matters, and nothing else.
Because I always wanted nothing but your happiness, and nothing but the best for you. And when you disappeared I didn't resent you for it, I waited patiently for you to return. And when you fell in love with him instead, I was happy for you. I only ever said 'I told you so', I told you that you'd find someone some day to open up to, to love that much.... and that it was never going to be me. I never resented you, I never resented that happiness, and despite the rockiness in our lives through it I didn't think ill of you because of it.
I was never resentful, angry or bitter about it. I was disappointed that you only ever told me about it after it was over, because you needed a shoulder again. I was sad that I was not given the opportunity to congratulate you on your happiness, and be there while you enjoyed it.
I resented things you had said to me, and things you had done to me - but never that. I couldn't, because I knew that we were never actually compatible. Unlike you. I was angry that you abandoned me during my time of need, but that was disappointment in you as a friend, never anything more. It had nothing to do with this.
What made me bitter in the end, what really hurt me out of everything that happened between us... Was one thing you said to me that night. I thought we were both happy in each other's company. I thought we both understood that friendship. Then you went and said that, and I realized that we both had it wrong, the whole time. Our entire relationship, the way I saw it - was a lie.
I guess I really was naive, to think we were ever on the same page...
Hopefully some day - if you haven't already - you'll find someone that doesn't let you down.
This isn't really about her writing, it's about- what it made me think about this time, like nearly every time I ever read anything even remotely like this. It's kind of funny how so many people have that one love, the one person they don't resent finding happiness with someone else. Because their happiness is more important, because being compatible isn't even a chance. Whether because of sexuality, relationship status, location... whatever the reason.
There's that one person, that as long as they're happy- we can get by. Because their happiness is what matters, and nothing else.
Because I always wanted nothing but your happiness, and nothing but the best for you. And when you disappeared I didn't resent you for it, I waited patiently for you to return. And when you fell in love with him instead, I was happy for you. I only ever said 'I told you so', I told you that you'd find someone some day to open up to, to love that much.... and that it was never going to be me. I never resented you, I never resented that happiness, and despite the rockiness in our lives through it I didn't think ill of you because of it.
I was never resentful, angry or bitter about it. I was disappointed that you only ever told me about it after it was over, because you needed a shoulder again. I was sad that I was not given the opportunity to congratulate you on your happiness, and be there while you enjoyed it.
I resented things you had said to me, and things you had done to me - but never that. I couldn't, because I knew that we were never actually compatible. Unlike you. I was angry that you abandoned me during my time of need, but that was disappointment in you as a friend, never anything more. It had nothing to do with this.
What made me bitter in the end, what really hurt me out of everything that happened between us... Was one thing you said to me that night. I thought we were both happy in each other's company. I thought we both understood that friendship. Then you went and said that, and I realized that we both had it wrong, the whole time. Our entire relationship, the way I saw it - was a lie.
I guess I really was naive, to think we were ever on the same page...
Hopefully some day - if you haven't already - you'll find someone that doesn't let you down.