On the nature of dominance and submission
I've always been a little bit into bondage and such when it comes to sex. Tying the person up, the idea of control and release. However I never really saw it as anything more than an activity like any other sex act. I did have a bit of common sense about it. I was very careful to make sure the other person felt safe within their threshold. It takes a great deal of attention to the other person's state to maintain the scene. and that discipline appealed to me. I wasn't just controlling my partner, I was controlling the experience she was having. I knew however that the act was all about the sub. In many ways almost an act of submission in itself masquerading as dominance. The Dom's job is to make sure that the sub is fulfilled even to the point of withholding his own pleasure for the sake of prolonging the experience. Not just to take his own enjoyment out of her body. All of this was mostly just instinct however. My discussion on the nature of it never went beyond "you wanna be tied up, teased, and spanked?"
A year and a half ago, something changed. I met a real sub. Our talks on the nature of submission and dominance brought to me a larger view on the matter. The Scene. Not simply bedroom control or sex. Control as intimacy. The very preparation of the scene as the point rather than the scene itself. The sub's gift of the self in exchange for an experience that pushes her boundaries and shows her parts of herself normally hidden. The dissolution of shame or fear into someone else’s will. The contract between Master and Servant that binds them together. My mindset changed radically.
I purchased books voraciously. Studied articles on the internet. Not just porn sites and shit, which 99% of the time get it wrong. I checked out books from the library on sexuality. I bought accoutrements and studied knot tying. Had I the space, I would have probably started constructing rigs.
I found myself using the parts of my brain in devising a scene, that normally are used for concocting diabolical dungeons and traps in D&D. The act became intensely cerebral. This cerebral quality perhaps contributed to the length of the relationship with my Sub despite ridiculously bad geography. As with most games that are well thought out, though, they never got played beyond the theoretical but I still felt the connection.
Something was happening during this process. My sense of identity changed. I started seeing this Dom role creeping deeply into my view of the self. I was no longer simply dominant. I was a Dom.
But there was a downside. It wasn't apparent until the end. The identity I had been building for myself was not on solid ground. The idea of dominance is entirely defined by the contrast of submission just as light and dark cannot exist without one another to define them. When she ended it, the defining juxtaposed idea to the identity I had been slowly building went with her. In the wake of its departure came a fairly rough identity crisis. One I'm still recovering from. I'm not sure what the ramifications of that are yet. I've prided myself in the past for maintaining an identity independent of my relationships. But this time it snuck up on me.
So as a Dom without a Sub who am I? It is funny. The idea that pain is instructive in our pursuit of understanding of the self, is a core tenant of BDSM. I've learned a great deal about myself in the last four days. I suppose I'm no longer a Dom. I won't be a Dom for quite sometime. Finding a person who is special and amazing is hard enough in this world. Finding someone special and amazing who's truly into BDSM is like dating on Nightmare mode without cheat codes. It'll be a long time before I get to be that person again. He has to go away until the moment that the buckle of the collar locks into place on someone special's neck.
I'll miss him.
A year and a half ago, something changed. I met a real sub. Our talks on the nature of submission and dominance brought to me a larger view on the matter. The Scene. Not simply bedroom control or sex. Control as intimacy. The very preparation of the scene as the point rather than the scene itself. The sub's gift of the self in exchange for an experience that pushes her boundaries and shows her parts of herself normally hidden. The dissolution of shame or fear into someone else’s will. The contract between Master and Servant that binds them together. My mindset changed radically.
I purchased books voraciously. Studied articles on the internet. Not just porn sites and shit, which 99% of the time get it wrong. I checked out books from the library on sexuality. I bought accoutrements and studied knot tying. Had I the space, I would have probably started constructing rigs.
I found myself using the parts of my brain in devising a scene, that normally are used for concocting diabolical dungeons and traps in D&D. The act became intensely cerebral. This cerebral quality perhaps contributed to the length of the relationship with my Sub despite ridiculously bad geography. As with most games that are well thought out, though, they never got played beyond the theoretical but I still felt the connection.
Something was happening during this process. My sense of identity changed. I started seeing this Dom role creeping deeply into my view of the self. I was no longer simply dominant. I was a Dom.
But there was a downside. It wasn't apparent until the end. The identity I had been building for myself was not on solid ground. The idea of dominance is entirely defined by the contrast of submission just as light and dark cannot exist without one another to define them. When she ended it, the defining juxtaposed idea to the identity I had been slowly building went with her. In the wake of its departure came a fairly rough identity crisis. One I'm still recovering from. I'm not sure what the ramifications of that are yet. I've prided myself in the past for maintaining an identity independent of my relationships. But this time it snuck up on me.
So as a Dom without a Sub who am I? It is funny. The idea that pain is instructive in our pursuit of understanding of the self, is a core tenant of BDSM. I've learned a great deal about myself in the last four days. I suppose I'm no longer a Dom. I won't be a Dom for quite sometime. Finding a person who is special and amazing is hard enough in this world. Finding someone special and amazing who's truly into BDSM is like dating on Nightmare mode without cheat codes. It'll be a long time before I get to be that person again. He has to go away until the moment that the buckle of the collar locks into place on someone special's neck.
I'll miss him.