Journal
12/11/2011
GratitudeI am grateful for this black and white polka dot bra from Victoria’s Secret. It fits so nicely and wears well. I will have to get more of this brand and style.PhysicalI showered, shaved, took meds, did foot love and stopped for a little tactical care from a loving sadist on the way to work. SocialToday is my day of isolation. I got some morning conversation with hubby and then from sadist too. I need a journal name for him. He said he would check in via text after he woke back up. I also got some visiting with my truckerEmotional/MentalI worked on removing the beads from this sweater. I am playing Solitaire.LifestyleNot much.SpiritualPlayed flute and did alter and meditation.AffirmationMood/Hope score8/8/80%Horoscope
I wrote some using my phone yesterday and Friday. Writing really does help me. Friday I had a bad knee pain day after Physical Therapy and yesterday I had a pretty bad asthma attack that lasted most of the day. I really wanted to go to a Negotiation class yesterday but there was no way I could chance driving an hour from home and end up being in a house with cats. That would have sent me to the hospital for sure. I didn’t know the person whose house it was going to be at and it just made more sense to stay home. There were also three really good parties I could have gone to but being ill all day, I had to stay home and take care of myself. I know that if I can start counting on regular visits with sadist, I won’t need the pickup play that I have been relying on for the past four months. I learned to get my needs taken care of without relying on any one person. I have worked my tail off getting my GAF back up. I take good care of myself. I study my CBT and work at changing my thoughts with the DBT skills I teach myself. Was this the lesson I was to learn? Very likely.
Spike, that’s what his journal name is going to be and the other one will be Zippy. Bragman, Spike, and Zippy are the men on my team, until something else changes but for now, that’s how it’s going to be. I am going to quit searching so hard. Bragman can be a good man for me. He takes care of so much and he does love me. He is a good man and I was just turning my back on him, trying to protect myself from when he finally says goodbye. Well, maybe he just won’t say goodbye. We have a good family life if I join it again. And Zippy is great for my mental support, that’s why he came back to me after my crash. He had pulled away when he did not think I needed him but Zippy and I are good for each other, we have a lot of love and respect for one another and are good at helping each other feel stronger. Bragman had been giving up on me because I was giving up on him. These last three days where I stayed home and did chores and favors for him and just sat around and healed but was there talking with him and cheering him on and damn, being part of that household again, that was a good thing. It feels good to be part of it again.
Time with Spike is so needed. I go so long without touching, being touched, receiving a loving, and caring touch. It feels like a caress when he carves his fingernail across my back. He does it so deeply and yet, somehow, manages not to draw blood. He gets it rather raw, hits my magic spots on my back then takes electricity to the freshness. There is a nerve bundle there and I feel the energy waking my desires, filling me with screams that I muffle against his chest.
Today’s Elf Help wallpaper says, “Let go. Nothing is usually the hardest thing to do but often it is the best.” I want to know the score. I want to know where I stand and where these friendships go and I just have to put my effort into being a friend for all three of them. It’s been nearly a year since I was truly friends with Bragman. I know that I am a good friend to Zippy. It is possible for me to obsess over Spike like I did Zippy when we first met, but I want to groom this into a long lasting friendship like I have been able to do with Zippy so I really need to let go. I don’t need to know what will come next. I do not need to know what he does with his other time. I only need to focus on him when he is in my presence or requests my attention. I need to let go and live my life and when I get to spend time with him, simply enjoy it. I do not need to guard against him going silent again because I have backups as needed. And I can be happy without someone helping me. I have learned to take care of myself lately and that is a good thing. Yes, I still lean on friends but that’s totally ok. I just don’t need to suck them dry.
I have not set up my Sunday alter today. I started that last week and I have all the items but I have had the lights on trying to scrape the beads off this dang sweater. I might put that chore down now and set up my special spiritual thing. I am done and feeling very mellow now. When CBT classes told me to take care of my spiritual self as well as my physical and social and mental self, I did not expect that to be such a wonderful thing to learn. I have taken care of my spiritual self in the past but have always neglected something else in its place. Trying to follow the CBT suggestions has been a chore but I feel much more well-rounded. I hope this sticks.
It’s nine pm and Spike said he would text when he woke up but he hasn’t and I need to just accept that and put my mind into the frame that I will not hear from him again until he is ready. In my mind, I plan ahead and think that today would be the perfect night to stay over. It would save me driving home and then back to work. He has tomorrow off and I would be gone before he needed to work on his holiday chores. We would get some good time together. Instead, I need to focus on my own home, the warmth of my own quilt, the joyous look in my dogs eyes when he spies me thru the window and very likely a new Christmas tree that Bragman and Dude went and got today. This is the time for focusing on “the family” and Boot is due home with her hubby and baby this Wednesday. I should just look forward to those times rather than when I can be caressed by Spike again. I will get plenty of love and care during the holidays.
GratitudeI am grateful for this black and white polka dot bra from Victoria’s Secret. It fits so nicely and wears well. I will have to get more of this brand and style.PhysicalI showered, shaved, took meds, did foot love and stopped for a little tactical care from a loving sadist on the way to work. SocialToday is my day of isolation. I got some morning conversation with hubby and then from sadist too. I need a journal name for him. He said he would check in via text after he woke back up. I also got some visiting with my truckerEmotional/MentalI worked on removing the beads from this sweater. I am playing Solitaire.LifestyleNot much.SpiritualPlayed flute and did alter and meditation.AffirmationMood/Hope score8/8/80%Horoscope
I wrote some using my phone yesterday and Friday. Writing really does help me. Friday I had a bad knee pain day after Physical Therapy and yesterday I had a pretty bad asthma attack that lasted most of the day. I really wanted to go to a Negotiation class yesterday but there was no way I could chance driving an hour from home and end up being in a house with cats. That would have sent me to the hospital for sure. I didn’t know the person whose house it was going to be at and it just made more sense to stay home. There were also three really good parties I could have gone to but being ill all day, I had to stay home and take care of myself. I know that if I can start counting on regular visits with sadist, I won’t need the pickup play that I have been relying on for the past four months. I learned to get my needs taken care of without relying on any one person. I have worked my tail off getting my GAF back up. I take good care of myself. I study my CBT and work at changing my thoughts with the DBT skills I teach myself. Was this the lesson I was to learn? Very likely.
Spike, that’s what his journal name is going to be and the other one will be Zippy. Bragman, Spike, and Zippy are the men on my team, until something else changes but for now, that’s how it’s going to be. I am going to quit searching so hard. Bragman can be a good man for me. He takes care of so much and he does love me. He is a good man and I was just turning my back on him, trying to protect myself from when he finally says goodbye. Well, maybe he just won’t say goodbye. We have a good family life if I join it again. And Zippy is great for my mental support, that’s why he came back to me after my crash. He had pulled away when he did not think I needed him but Zippy and I are good for each other, we have a lot of love and respect for one another and are good at helping each other feel stronger. Bragman had been giving up on me because I was giving up on him. These last three days where I stayed home and did chores and favors for him and just sat around and healed but was there talking with him and cheering him on and damn, being part of that household again, that was a good thing. It feels good to be part of it again.
Time with Spike is so needed. I go so long without touching, being touched, receiving a loving, and caring touch. It feels like a caress when he carves his fingernail across my back. He does it so deeply and yet, somehow, manages not to draw blood. He gets it rather raw, hits my magic spots on my back then takes electricity to the freshness. There is a nerve bundle there and I feel the energy waking my desires, filling me with screams that I muffle against his chest.
Today’s Elf Help wallpaper says, “Let go. Nothing is usually the hardest thing to do but often it is the best.” I want to know the score. I want to know where I stand and where these friendships go and I just have to put my effort into being a friend for all three of them. It’s been nearly a year since I was truly friends with Bragman. I know that I am a good friend to Zippy. It is possible for me to obsess over Spike like I did Zippy when we first met, but I want to groom this into a long lasting friendship like I have been able to do with Zippy so I really need to let go. I don’t need to know what will come next. I do not need to know what he does with his other time. I only need to focus on him when he is in my presence or requests my attention. I need to let go and live my life and when I get to spend time with him, simply enjoy it. I do not need to guard against him going silent again because I have backups as needed. And I can be happy without someone helping me. I have learned to take care of myself lately and that is a good thing. Yes, I still lean on friends but that’s totally ok. I just don’t need to suck them dry.
I have not set up my Sunday alter today. I started that last week and I have all the items but I have had the lights on trying to scrape the beads off this dang sweater. I might put that chore down now and set up my special spiritual thing. I am done and feeling very mellow now. When CBT classes told me to take care of my spiritual self as well as my physical and social and mental self, I did not expect that to be such a wonderful thing to learn. I have taken care of my spiritual self in the past but have always neglected something else in its place. Trying to follow the CBT suggestions has been a chore but I feel much more well-rounded. I hope this sticks.
It’s nine pm and Spike said he would text when he woke up but he hasn’t and I need to just accept that and put my mind into the frame that I will not hear from him again until he is ready. In my mind, I plan ahead and think that today would be the perfect night to stay over. It would save me driving home and then back to work. He has tomorrow off and I would be gone before he needed to work on his holiday chores. We would get some good time together. Instead, I need to focus on my own home, the warmth of my own quilt, the joyous look in my dogs eyes when he spies me thru the window and very likely a new Christmas tree that Bragman and Dude went and got today. This is the time for focusing on “the family” and Boot is due home with her hubby and baby this Wednesday. I should just look forward to those times rather than when I can be caressed by Spike again. I will get plenty of love and care during the holidays.