*sigh*
I missed him so much today....and I hate myself for it. B/c he's moved on, he never feels that way. And it's not like that..I just miss his friendship. After being so used to having someone there, to pick up the phone and call whenever the feeling arose, and actually have them answer, for so many years..and then suddenly that's gone...and knowing that they DON'T want to be there...nothing hurts more. And it hurts so bad...everyone gets to be his friend
...everyone but me.
And what did I do wrong? I saw him..and he ignored me, as if I meant nothing at all to him, and as if I never did. It wouldn't hurt so bad if he would at least give me so much as a simple conversation.
And what also hurts more than anything...he told her she was for once in his life a "POSITIVE influence" to hang out with for a change...as if I never tried to get him to slack off in his negative lifestyle...as if I didn't beg him to quit getting messed up everyday, b/c it was hurting him and hurting us too. My opinion meant nothing. But now hers does? She's cheated on every single guy she's been with...and yet SHE'S the positive influence. Why does he listen to her but not me? Will he try with her when he refused to with me... why does he despise me? It's so soon to be with someone else...I hope he at least waits til I'm gone again. Why do I care about someone who treated me, for a good part, so damn badly? B/c I can honestly say I loved him more than I ever did Ken or Tyler combined. But that doesn't matter now....
Love down a one-way street...
It doesn't help being in some of the most physical pain I've ever been in since that stupid four-wheeler accident. Got a ton of tests in the next week. That and my blood pressure is alarmingly and ridiculously high. That, with other things, it's like my whole life is falling apart. Something just keeps getting added to the list. And does he know or even care. I guess not. The one person I want to hold me and tell me everything's going to be okay, even just as a friend, refuses to even look at me. [such actions really make me think he cheated on me afterall]. But, at least, thru all this, i have some people here for me who do care and are helping me thru everything. I just wish he didn't have to leave me so early in the summer..when we only had a few days together and didn't even have a chance to talk or work on anything at all.
At least I have my "boys." ha. yeah, they're good to me.
So, should I do as he is doing, and try something with...someone who will remain nameless at the moment? Should I move on like he has..even so early? I guess..why not...when it's obvious he will have me as no part of his life now or ever again. But why? Why did he tell me he didn't love me anymore while the tears streamed down his face? And how can he throw away all the good memories over the past few years? How will he ever easily eat at Cisco's again? Why can't it be as easy for me as it is for him...
And I swear to you, til recently, i was doing so well. It just didn't help seeing him, being ignored, knowing he's possibly seeing someone else already...and that in doing all that, he's hurting me more. But, what can i do? Try to be his friend and keep being ignored? ehhh.
Sorry, I needed to vent. Badly. And for the first time in a while...with no good brick wall to punch lately. Not like many people read this anyway.
...everyone but me.
And what did I do wrong? I saw him..and he ignored me, as if I meant nothing at all to him, and as if I never did. It wouldn't hurt so bad if he would at least give me so much as a simple conversation.
And what also hurts more than anything...he told her she was for once in his life a "POSITIVE influence" to hang out with for a change...as if I never tried to get him to slack off in his negative lifestyle...as if I didn't beg him to quit getting messed up everyday, b/c it was hurting him and hurting us too. My opinion meant nothing. But now hers does? She's cheated on every single guy she's been with...and yet SHE'S the positive influence. Why does he listen to her but not me? Will he try with her when he refused to with me... why does he despise me? It's so soon to be with someone else...I hope he at least waits til I'm gone again. Why do I care about someone who treated me, for a good part, so damn badly? B/c I can honestly say I loved him more than I ever did Ken or Tyler combined. But that doesn't matter now....
Love down a one-way street...
It doesn't help being in some of the most physical pain I've ever been in since that stupid four-wheeler accident. Got a ton of tests in the next week. That and my blood pressure is alarmingly and ridiculously high. That, with other things, it's like my whole life is falling apart. Something just keeps getting added to the list. And does he know or even care. I guess not. The one person I want to hold me and tell me everything's going to be okay, even just as a friend, refuses to even look at me. [such actions really make me think he cheated on me afterall]. But, at least, thru all this, i have some people here for me who do care and are helping me thru everything. I just wish he didn't have to leave me so early in the summer..when we only had a few days together and didn't even have a chance to talk or work on anything at all.
At least I have my "boys." ha. yeah, they're good to me.
So, should I do as he is doing, and try something with...someone who will remain nameless at the moment? Should I move on like he has..even so early? I guess..why not...when it's obvious he will have me as no part of his life now or ever again. But why? Why did he tell me he didn't love me anymore while the tears streamed down his face? And how can he throw away all the good memories over the past few years? How will he ever easily eat at Cisco's again? Why can't it be as easy for me as it is for him...
And I swear to you, til recently, i was doing so well. It just didn't help seeing him, being ignored, knowing he's possibly seeing someone else already...and that in doing all that, he's hurting me more. But, what can i do? Try to be his friend and keep being ignored? ehhh.
Sorry, I needed to vent. Badly. And for the first time in a while...with no good brick wall to punch lately. Not like many people read this anyway.