[2/0] feeling blue

Jul 23, 2022 20:13

I am not overcoming this fupdateseeling. its haunting me. I am feeling blue or sad or lonely. I can never pinpoint.

it has been awhile since my last post. I have been quite busy with my fangirling and life that I cannot sit down and write something. though I have been active with my other social media platforms. but here I am pouring my soul again perhaps thinking this will make my feeling go away or make me better. But i know better. I am aware. I just need a space to speak.



let me start with since last year I have been suffering anxiety that led me to get so stress and got sicker and sicker as the months went by. as I progressed to a new role my anxiety worsened where I had to take a higher intensity CBT. I reach a point where I don't recognize myself, I saw the change in me and its eating me alive. Also I had more sickness that developed: lymphadenitis, carpal tunnel, raynauds, subclinical hypothyroidism, reflux, and sudden weight loss.

I seek help and indeed I graduated form that program. I knew I m getting better especially with my anxiety. Also since I left my previous job to a less intense one hence why the road to getting better was more clearer. and I am thankful for that.

then I went home to Philippines and spent time with my family. and again leaving my mom to go back to UK is always the hardest and perhaps one thing I will never get used to,. the first week was rough aside from my reflux and appetite has been really bad, so was my emotions. I am still feeling blue and crying whenever I think or talk with my mom.

fast forward to today, the feeling is lingering there. and it has been a month i have been home. but I can feel something. took depression test I am way far there. but I know somewhere deep inside me I am feeling either sad, lonely or blue. I cannot point which. perhaps its the loneliness that's my gut feeling. I am in need of attention perhaps. also because I am not going as much as I used to even on my days off I am at home maybe why.

I know a solution but I don't have the energy nor the money. my shift pattern has been quite bad this month, and mostly having one days off I am sick of it. i prefer longer days off, looking forward to august where I think I have it better.

but I need to go out. the loneliness is lingering. and I hate it. its making me sad. i ahve not talk about this to anyone. perhaps I am being careful as well who to talk to, i need an emphatizer. i need someone to be there once i open up not someone who will spout nonsense and take distance. its hard even I have been open to my friends about my mental health struggles i know it is still taboo for them and difficult to emphatize but I dont want to struggle again.

I dont want to wallow in my loneliness. that will lead to low mood and something else. i need to be strong and do the solution to my issue. i need to be better. I need to fight this. i need to wander off. 

update, feeling sad, feeling blue, 2022, loneliness, updates

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