the rant that should be seen, but won't be (edit: might be)
right now, i am very upset with someone who was once a dear friend of mine. she will probably never see this post because i'm making it friends only, and she is no longer on my friends list. (i was returning the favor.) we were arguing, as usual, and she decided that she didn't like what i had to say. (most notably, she didn't like me saying that she was being callous and closed minded.) to vent, because i don't have her number or email, and because i obviously can't reach her through lj (only those on her friends list can post in her journal and, again, i am not on that list), i'll let all of *you* know what happened.
#1: she didn't see fit to contact me directly about whatever problems she had with my commenting.
i maintain that only an adult has the capacity to effectively problem solve, but as i have noted before, not all adults problem solve effectively. some adults just refuse to have that kind of maturity. because she obviously had a problem, she should have come directly to me if she had any desire whatsoever to solve it. either she didn't *want* to resolve the issue (explaining why her problem solving method was so poor), or she just doesn't have the capability to do so.
#2: she projected to everyone *else* that she had a problem about my commenting, again without contacting me.
not only did she not come to me with this problem, she felt it was necessary to let *everyone else* in on the problem, even though they probably didn't appreciate was was going on, and were in no position to change things even if they did. again, see the above link.
#3: she *was* being closed minded and callous.
one of the reasons i loved arguing with her is because she never before made things personal. even if a topic hits home with me, i avoid making the argument personal by using general parties not necessarily related to me, such as, "women who get abortions," or "most catholics," not "when my friend was considering getting an abortion," or "myself as a catholic." that way, the point can be made without testimony, and without feelings getting hurt. another point that she might have missed was that i didn't say that mikki *was* callous and closed minded in those last two arguments. i said she was *being* that way. clearly, she missed the distinction. i don't see why she did. it is the same as telling a child that he/she is, "making bad choices," as opposed to, "being a bad child." the definition of closed minded means that you are basically deaf to any argument that opposes your own. she wasn't willing to hear what i had to say, and only repeated her own arguments and offered faulty analogies, demonstrating that she hadn't processed what i said. she was callous because she was totally unsympathetic to any person who didn't believe as she did. this was first demonstrated when she said that pharmacists need to always offer birth control pills, or quit their business, a classic, "my way or the highway," mentality that is also classically callous. obviously, the next time she did this was when she deleted all my comments in those two posts, made a public post about the matter, and deleted me from her friends list. thenceforth, she completely devalued my words. (callous) she was also making it painfully clear that she didn't want to hear any of my points, which obviously contrasted with her own. (closed minded)
i am now convinced that the only person on this planet who can hold an intelligent argument (not just any conversation) with me is the man i married. while i'm glad he's there to argue with, the fun is usually lost because we agree on most things, and there's just nothing *to* argue about.
sayonara, mikki. it was nice knowing you while it lasted. i take back every good thing i said about you regarding your ability to argue. if you can't even problem solve, how can you debate intelligently?
edit (12/23/08): on reflection, i'll make this public. i have no way of reaching her directly (no email, phone, or address), although she has been given the information to contact me (so she has no excuse for publicizing this without at least *trying* to resolve it). i refuse to contact her indirectly (via her mother) because this situation is *only* between me and mikki. at least one of us realizes that. so i can't (or won't) contact her. but i don't want to cut her off from contacting me, and this is the only way she *might* choose for contacting me; bear in mind that she already has all my contact information. (and, heck, she already made the thing public, when it should have been resolved privately, so this shouldn't be adding too much.) not that it matters anymore. i don't think she wants to be friends, or she wouldn't have cut off the only mode of communication we regularly shared. as friendship is a two way street, the desire can't come from me alone. also, she was the only reason i visited livejournal regularly, so i probably won't be back any time soon. i have turned off email alerts, but i might come back some day, if she does choose to comment.
#1: she didn't see fit to contact me directly about whatever problems she had with my commenting.
i maintain that only an adult has the capacity to effectively problem solve, but as i have noted before, not all adults problem solve effectively. some adults just refuse to have that kind of maturity. because she obviously had a problem, she should have come directly to me if she had any desire whatsoever to solve it. either she didn't *want* to resolve the issue (explaining why her problem solving method was so poor), or she just doesn't have the capability to do so.
#2: she projected to everyone *else* that she had a problem about my commenting, again without contacting me.
not only did she not come to me with this problem, she felt it was necessary to let *everyone else* in on the problem, even though they probably didn't appreciate was was going on, and were in no position to change things even if they did. again, see the above link.
#3: she *was* being closed minded and callous.
one of the reasons i loved arguing with her is because she never before made things personal. even if a topic hits home with me, i avoid making the argument personal by using general parties not necessarily related to me, such as, "women who get abortions," or "most catholics," not "when my friend was considering getting an abortion," or "myself as a catholic." that way, the point can be made without testimony, and without feelings getting hurt. another point that she might have missed was that i didn't say that mikki *was* callous and closed minded in those last two arguments. i said she was *being* that way. clearly, she missed the distinction. i don't see why she did. it is the same as telling a child that he/she is, "making bad choices," as opposed to, "being a bad child." the definition of closed minded means that you are basically deaf to any argument that opposes your own. she wasn't willing to hear what i had to say, and only repeated her own arguments and offered faulty analogies, demonstrating that she hadn't processed what i said. she was callous because she was totally unsympathetic to any person who didn't believe as she did. this was first demonstrated when she said that pharmacists need to always offer birth control pills, or quit their business, a classic, "my way or the highway," mentality that is also classically callous. obviously, the next time she did this was when she deleted all my comments in those two posts, made a public post about the matter, and deleted me from her friends list. thenceforth, she completely devalued my words. (callous) she was also making it painfully clear that she didn't want to hear any of my points, which obviously contrasted with her own. (closed minded)
i am now convinced that the only person on this planet who can hold an intelligent argument (not just any conversation) with me is the man i married. while i'm glad he's there to argue with, the fun is usually lost because we agree on most things, and there's just nothing *to* argue about.
sayonara, mikki. it was nice knowing you while it lasted. i take back every good thing i said about you regarding your ability to argue. if you can't even problem solve, how can you debate intelligently?
edit (12/23/08): on reflection, i'll make this public. i have no way of reaching her directly (no email, phone, or address), although she has been given the information to contact me (so she has no excuse for publicizing this without at least *trying* to resolve it). i refuse to contact her indirectly (via her mother) because this situation is *only* between me and mikki. at least one of us realizes that. so i can't (or won't) contact her. but i don't want to cut her off from contacting me, and this is the only way she *might* choose for contacting me; bear in mind that she already has all my contact information. (and, heck, she already made the thing public, when it should have been resolved privately, so this shouldn't be adding too much.) not that it matters anymore. i don't think she wants to be friends, or she wouldn't have cut off the only mode of communication we regularly shared. as friendship is a two way street, the desire can't come from me alone. also, she was the only reason i visited livejournal regularly, so i probably won't be back any time soon. i have turned off email alerts, but i might come back some day, if she does choose to comment.