a.naked.under.belly.
dammit.rock.bottom.again.
the.house.is.an.apocalyptic.mess,.mounds.of.cans.and.dishes,.trivial.pursuit.and.beer.soaked.playing.cards.exploding.across.the.floor.like.confetti.and
griffin's.keyboard.is.now.officially.fried,.which.is.why.there.are.periods.where.spaces.should.be...i'm.going.to.buy.him.a.new.one.tomorrow,.given.that
i.am.responsible.for.much.of.the.wear.and.tear,.given.that.his.money.problems.are.even.worse.than.mine,.and.given.that.typing.on.this.thing.is.begin
ning.to.irritate.the.piss.out.of.me..
since.my.birthday.three.weeks.ago,.i.have.been.playing.a.lot.of.poker..not.at.winco.scanning.avocados.and.bacon,.but.in.card.rooms.and.bars,.around
felt.tables.on.dirt.lawns..in.tournaments.and.home.games.with.strangers..i.have.won.first.three.times,.second.once,..third.four.times,.fourth,.sixth,.
in.a.short.time
i.gained.the.respect.of.local.circles,.and.until.around.5.am.a.week.and.a.half.ago,.i.had.a.healthy.wad.of.cash.in.the.win.column.at.the.casinos..i.thought.
i.had.the.Game.figured.out,.i.thought.
i.saw.it.all.clearly..every.skill.and.virtue.i.possessed.fit.right.into.the.nuances.of.the.Game...patience,.attentiveness,.an.understanding.of.human.be
havior,..math.skills,.reading.body.language,.a.sort.of.connectiveness.to.what.people.were.feeling.and.whether.or.not.they.were.lying.to.me....and.every.fa
ult.and.weakness.i.possessed.were.my.enemy....hubris,.ego,.anger,.self.destructive.tendencies,.red.zone.impulsiveness...lack.of.emotional.control..it.
seemed.simple...play.to.gamble,.and.you.lose..this.was.my.personal.war,.and.poker.was.a.form.of.combat.that.suddenly.made.inherent.sense.to.me..
all.the.major.themes.were.there,.painted.out.in.seductive,.epic.strokes..and.here,.i.thought,.here.i.could.finally.win.my.ticket.to.freedom...
of.course,.you.already.know.how.this.turns.out.
badly..a.few.strings.of.bad.beats,.some.momentary.loss.of.control,.a.long.sit.with.crazed,.bleary.eyed.gamblers.until.seven.in.the.morning.,
.and.you're.flat.on.your.back
again,.wondering.what.made.you.think.you.had.any.business.being.there,.wishing.you'd.never.seen.the.movie.rounders,.wishing.
you.didn't.always.have.to.play.some.quixotic.b.movie.cowboy,perpetually.shoving.his.quarters.into.the.plastic.mechanical.bull.outside.of.wal.mart..
that.doesn't.make.much.sense,.but.i'm.leaving.it..
so.i.took.two.big.hits..at.the.casinos,.that's.all.it.took.and.i'm.wiped...done.with.it..remember.chris.cooper.in.adaptation?.done.with.fish?..done.with.poker.
you.were.right.about.me..you.were.right.to.stay.the.hell.away.from.me.after.i.left..sometimes.i.really.believe.i.have.no.choice.but.to.lose..i'm.just.one.
of.those.people..oh..i'm.not.all.that.depressed,.really..just.permit.me.a.few.moments.of.drama-queenery.
anyway..it's.shit.job.time.now..a.long.haul.through.the.muck,.back.to.sanity,.and.a.lot.of.time.to.think.about.why.i.always.do.this,.why.i.crush.on.the.
wrong.girls,.why.i.play.the.wrong.games,.why.i.can't.sit.still.and.behave,.why.i.am.so.fabulously.adept.at.breaking.keyboards.