yeah yeah i know, its been way too long
well a lot has happened since i last wrote in here. if i were to list them all, they would seem insignificant to anyone but me, but to me they are serious. basically everything that has happened lately has made me do some serious thinking. it's starting to dawn on me more and more that my time as a "kid" is running out, and running out fast. i also realize that i am scared shitless. i know that most people my age feel the same way but that doesn't change anything. most people think that at my age i still have at least a year to make some of those big, life-altering decisions, and the sad truth is that i don't have anywhere close to that much time to make those decisions. i have about two or three months. ok maybe the decisions i have to make in the next few months aren't the big, life-altering ones, but they are definately the decisions that i have to make immediately before the big, life-altering ones, the ones that determine what my options are for the big, life-altering decisions. to me these are just as important, and scare me just as much.
i suppose that if i wasn't so damn indecisive, these decisions wouldn't be so scary. if i wasn't so indecisive i could just go through my options, come to decision, and commit to it. but because i am incredibly indecisive, this is practically impossible. i also suppose that these decisions wouldn't be so scary if things that i had thought for so long as being set, weren't now practically crumbling before my eyes. let me explain. for the last several years i was so sure of what i would be studing in college, i talked about it as if it was absolute certainty. but recently someone started me thinking about a different area of study. i'm guessing this is where some people would say, "just ignore them. you know what you want, so just stick to it." but unfortunately for me nothing can ever be that simple. i can see perfectly how i would not only thrive in this area of study, but i would also greatly benefit, from it. and while i hate this person for destroying my certainty, i also love this person for opening my eyes, and showing me something that may very well lead me to where i am really meant to be.
i've also started re-examining some of the relationships i have. the one that angers me the most is one that has lasted 3 years, and i've known for about 2 - 2 1/2 of those 3 that this wasn't the best friendship i could've had. i don't know why i always chose to ignore what was wrong with it, hoping it would get better, but i did. the only saving grace i suppose is that i've decided to finally cut ties. i know i said i was going to do this, but i'm hoping that this one will last, and it will be for the best. right now i'm still kind of in that stage where i'm hoping the person will kind of come to their senses, but i know this won't happen, so i'm trying really hard to just let it be. i also realized that while i was wasting my energy on this person, i had another friend who i didn't realize was as good a friend as she really is to me. granted i always knew she was my friend, and knew that she was a good friend, but i'm starting to realize how close i could have been to her if i hadn't been wasting my energy, and how much more i could've benifited from this friendship. i know that sounds kind of wrong, but i really do mean it in the best way, i'm just having a bit of trouble expressing it.
pardon my sappiness, but this is really the only place i feel comfortable saying all this stuff. but i also know i've been pretty vague, but i gave as much detail as i feel comfortable giving, considering that i can't be sure exactly who reads this. so if you want details just ask and i'll be happy to explian further. i think i've said enough for now, so i'll be going. ja ne.
i suppose that if i wasn't so damn indecisive, these decisions wouldn't be so scary. if i wasn't so indecisive i could just go through my options, come to decision, and commit to it. but because i am incredibly indecisive, this is practically impossible. i also suppose that these decisions wouldn't be so scary if things that i had thought for so long as being set, weren't now practically crumbling before my eyes. let me explain. for the last several years i was so sure of what i would be studing in college, i talked about it as if it was absolute certainty. but recently someone started me thinking about a different area of study. i'm guessing this is where some people would say, "just ignore them. you know what you want, so just stick to it." but unfortunately for me nothing can ever be that simple. i can see perfectly how i would not only thrive in this area of study, but i would also greatly benefit, from it. and while i hate this person for destroying my certainty, i also love this person for opening my eyes, and showing me something that may very well lead me to where i am really meant to be.
i've also started re-examining some of the relationships i have. the one that angers me the most is one that has lasted 3 years, and i've known for about 2 - 2 1/2 of those 3 that this wasn't the best friendship i could've had. i don't know why i always chose to ignore what was wrong with it, hoping it would get better, but i did. the only saving grace i suppose is that i've decided to finally cut ties. i know i said i was going to do this, but i'm hoping that this one will last, and it will be for the best. right now i'm still kind of in that stage where i'm hoping the person will kind of come to their senses, but i know this won't happen, so i'm trying really hard to just let it be. i also realized that while i was wasting my energy on this person, i had another friend who i didn't realize was as good a friend as she really is to me. granted i always knew she was my friend, and knew that she was a good friend, but i'm starting to realize how close i could have been to her if i hadn't been wasting my energy, and how much more i could've benifited from this friendship. i know that sounds kind of wrong, but i really do mean it in the best way, i'm just having a bit of trouble expressing it.
pardon my sappiness, but this is really the only place i feel comfortable saying all this stuff. but i also know i've been pretty vague, but i gave as much detail as i feel comfortable giving, considering that i can't be sure exactly who reads this. so if you want details just ask and i'll be happy to explian further. i think i've said enough for now, so i'll be going. ja ne.