0087
Mental Blink
I wake up before the
sun without really waking
and I just stare at my eyelids,
wondering what is going on
in my life. And I realize that while
I am happy, I also wouldn't mind just
stepping away from this life and
maybe going to another one because
I hate where I am right now.
I have no interest in school
anymore and nothing seems to
really be challenging me so I just
don't care about it and wouldn't mind
just dropping out and getting a GED but
I know that he would be upset so I decide
to get up when my alarm comes to wake
me up and I'll go to school today but I
also don't want to because I know now that
it just depresses me and makes me wish I
could just take all the people I love to one
place and just have fun all day long but
I can't. They have responsibilities and they
live in different places and couldn't just drop
their lives where they are to come and
frolic with me and that just makes me
more depressed than before.
I'm thankful that my clock
doesn't glow in the dark because
I might realize that it's early but I
have to get up soon and there's no
point in going back to sleep.
I can feel my phone laying next
to me, cold against my warm skin and
I'm reminded of him and I just want
to cry because even though I'm
OK and understand why we're
so far apart, I still act like a
child and want to be near him
right now and I don't care about
anything else for that moment.
But then I realize that it can't happen
that way - just like I can't just drop
out of school now. Not after three and
a half years of Hellfire and Damnation.
I think I mentally blink and
maybe even fall asleep because
when I wake up again she's
telling me it's past the time to
get up and that the sun's been up for
a couple of hours now and I'm just
late. And I almost just get up and
get ready for the day but then I
remember my thoughts from before
and I just stare at the mirror, wishing I
could just drop out of school and run
to see him and just live exactly like
I want to and I think for a moment that
while I can't run to him and I can't
just leave school, I can at least
stay in this room for a day and
pretend that he's nearby and that I'm
out of school and that everything is perfect.
And I will.
I wake up before the
sun without really waking
and I just stare at my eyelids,
wondering what is going on
in my life. And I realize that while
I am happy, I also wouldn't mind just
stepping away from this life and
maybe going to another one because
I hate where I am right now.
I have no interest in school
anymore and nothing seems to
really be challenging me so I just
don't care about it and wouldn't mind
just dropping out and getting a GED but
I know that he would be upset so I decide
to get up when my alarm comes to wake
me up and I'll go to school today but I
also don't want to because I know now that
it just depresses me and makes me wish I
could just take all the people I love to one
place and just have fun all day long but
I can't. They have responsibilities and they
live in different places and couldn't just drop
their lives where they are to come and
frolic with me and that just makes me
more depressed than before.
I'm thankful that my clock
doesn't glow in the dark because
I might realize that it's early but I
have to get up soon and there's no
point in going back to sleep.
I can feel my phone laying next
to me, cold against my warm skin and
I'm reminded of him and I just want
to cry because even though I'm
OK and understand why we're
so far apart, I still act like a
child and want to be near him
right now and I don't care about
anything else for that moment.
But then I realize that it can't happen
that way - just like I can't just drop
out of school now. Not after three and
a half years of Hellfire and Damnation.
I think I mentally blink and
maybe even fall asleep because
when I wake up again she's
telling me it's past the time to
get up and that the sun's been up for
a couple of hours now and I'm just
late. And I almost just get up and
get ready for the day but then I
remember my thoughts from before
and I just stare at the mirror, wishing I
could just drop out of school and run
to see him and just live exactly like
I want to and I think for a moment that
while I can't run to him and I can't
just leave school, I can at least
stay in this room for a day and
pretend that he's nearby and that I'm
out of school and that everything is perfect.
And I will.