"Do You Love Me" 7/? (XMFC Charles/Erik AU)
Title: Do You Love Me
Word Count: 2,656 (Chapter) - 26,665 (Whole Fic)
Pairings: Charles/Erik, Raven/Hank, Sean/Moira, Scott/Jean, very brief Raven/Azazel
Rating: R
Summary: Charles and Erik have been married for 25 years, thrown together by a mandatory post-apocalyptic pairing system attempting to increase and strengthen the population. They have seven children. They have never spoken of love, but change is on the horizon.
Warnings: mpreg, underaged characters for part of it but in their society they're adults, and it's a bit of a dystopia but with a happy ending
Chapter 7
Now
"Charles…do you love me?"
Charles's hands tighten around the broom as he fights hard to resist the urge to freeze again. He isn't sure he heard what he heard, and he doesn't turn around. "Do I what?"
He senses Erik hesitating, realizing that yes he just said that out loud but then there is resolve, and he says it again, not nearly so hesitant this time.
"Do you love me?"
This time Charles turns around, mouth open a little. "Do I love you?"
"It's a question, Charles."
He knows that. He isn't stupid. But it isn't a question he ever thought he would hear from Erik, and it doesn't help that he isn't even entirely sure of the answer. He thinks he knows, but what if he's wrong?
And what if it's only a question? What if Erik doesn't…
He couldn't handle that. He would break.
Charles swallows and turns back to the broom, shaking his head quickly. "Everything that's happened with Raven and Hank and the other children has you just as bothered about the system as I am. You're upset; you don't know what you're saying."
"I know exactly what I'm saying," Erik answers. He steps closer and Charles reacts by taking a few steps away under the guise of continuing with the sweeping. In truth, he's only swiping pointlessly at the floor.
"Erik, I'm your husband."
"I know. But do you love me?"
Charles glances at him briefly, but the sincere look on Erik's face is too much right now and he looks away. The broom isn't helping anymore and he crosses to the wall to put it away in the corner. "What sort of question is that?"
"One I'm hoping to get an answer to."
The answer is a bit cheeky and Charles tosses him a glare before he goes to the cabinets to search for something to make for dinner-for lack of anything else to do to avoid Erik's gaze. "Why?"
"Why?" Erik echoes.
"Yes, why?"
"Because I want to know."
"Why? You've never asked me that before."
"Charles…"
Charles isn't finding what he's looking for, and he closes the cabinet he's looking in rather loudly before opening another. "No, Erik. Why now? Twenty-five years, seven children, we're both starting to go gray at the temples, and you ask me this now?"
He isn't sure why he's suddenly so angry, but then again it could have something to do with Erik asking him this now, after the way things have been between them for the last few months. After Erik abandoned him the last time they were almost close.
"A little late, I know…"
"A little?" Charles scoffs a bit and turns away completely, rifling deeper into the cabinet and pulling things from it. He to tries to force himself to calm down, but he can't quite do it. His heart is in his throat and he wishes it weren't. He wishes Erik would drop it, so they can go on without going into it. They'll be fine soon enough. They'll work out their differences another way; they always have.
It's safer that way.
"It isn't important…" he mutters after a moment. "It's never been important. We're still here, aren't we?"
"Maybe that's why I want to know," Erik says to that. "So many of the others who were married as young as we were can't stand each other anymore. They've split up, or they're miserable…and we've never had that problem. There has to be a reason."
"We work well together. We get along. We're…compatible. It doesn't have to mean anything else."
"But what if it does?"
Charles wants to believe it does. Part of him, anyway. There's an ache deep inside him that wants to tell Erik everything, right now, but the rest of him is afraid. He straightens, sets a few things on the counter, but his back is still turned to his husband. "Erik-" Not now not now not now…
"Well?"
Charles frowns and turns on him. "Well if I'm to answer the question then you should have to," he snaps. "Do you love me?" He's suddenly more terrified than before, unable to believe he said that, and he's afraid of the answer, but he tells himself that it doesn't matter. Erik won't answer. He thinks Erik will let it go at that. He thinks that will put a stop to it. But Erik just looks at him; he doesn't retreat.
It's become a standoff.
Charles watches him warily, and the conflict on Erik's face makes him want to know what's behind it. He lets his guard down enough to sense a fear that rivals his own, only a moment before Erik speaks.
"Yes. I do. I think I always did."
It comes out a bit uneven, but somehow it still sounds sure.
And it isn't at all what Charles expected to hear.
The breath goes out of him, and Charles swallows hard and backs away, a scowl growing on his face. "Erik…damn you, Erik; you can't do this to me."
Erik looks like he doesn't understand, but it's a sham. It has to be. "What are you talking about?" He seems more alarmed than anything now.
"What am I talking about? How can you tell me that you love me after the way you've acted recently! How can you lie to me! After all the years we've been married shouldn't I at least deserve the truth?" Why is he saying this? Why can't he accept it? He wants to. But the last four months have hurt, and…he can't risk being hurt any worse.
"You do deserve the truth, Charles; I told you the truth. Finally." Erik's voice is almost pleading, and Charles wants to give in, wants to tell Erik he feels the same, but he can't. Not until the doubts are gone, and they aren't.
He blinks back tears, cursing them for being there, and sets his jaw. "If you love me then why in god's name has it been more than seven years since we were together? I'm not quite an idiot; I understand that isn't what it's about, but it stands to reason that if you loved me you would want me-" His voice breaks, and he curses that too, and turns away again. "Damnit…"
"You were never able to go back for the surgery. It's still too dangerous for us to be together that way, and I couldn't do that to you. I thought you would understand that. I-"
"We could have…been careful, or asked for something to make it safer. We could have-"
He tries to turn around again, but can't, and only manages a brief glance over his shoulder and Erik is shaking his head. "I couldn't risk it. I didn't want to lose you."
Charles looks away again and swallows back a sob before it escapes, laughing harshly instead. "This is about my health."
But then there's a hand on his arms, turning him around gently but firmly, and Charles opens his mouth to protest but that only makes it easier for Erik's lips to press against his.
It only lasts a moment, but the time doesn't matter. The fact that Erik is kissing him matters.
Erik has never kissed him before. Not this way. He's been chastely affectionate, kissed his forehead, his cheek, the top of his head, yes, but he's never kissed him this way. Not the way it's supposed to be done when one is in love.
When Erik releases his lips one of his hands rests against Charles's face, the other on his shoulder now, and Erik looks him in the eyes. "Let me rephrase that: I couldn't lose you. I refused to lose you. I loved you too much to let you go, and I'm just sorry it took me this long to realize that was what it was all this time. I love you, Charles."
Charles stares back at him for a long time, trying to process the fact that what happened just happened and that Erik just said what he said. Before he'll trust himself to speak again he presses forward to reclaim Erik's lips, just to be sure what happened can be repeated.
Erik responds easily, and it feels more right to be kissing him than anything has in a long, long time. He isn't sure how long it goes on, but by the time Erik pushes him back enough for them to breathe they're both gasping. Erik's thumbs stroke Charles's cheek where he's holding his face in his hands, and it tickles. It feels good.
"Do you love me?" Erik asks again between breaths.
This time Charles isn't afraid, and this time he knows the answer. "Oh god, yes. I love you. I'm sorry-"
He wants to apologize for being so hostile, but Erik kisses him soundly, effectively shutting him up before he can continue that route. And apparently Erik has heard everything he needs to hear; he turns him around, tugging him a few steps, and presses him into the nearest wall, never releasing his lips. Charles strains to be closer, trying to tell Erik to come closer, and he does. Erik is against him now, and just that is relief-relief from being so far apart for so long. When Erik was afraid, when Erik wouldn't touch him…
God, he's so glad it's over. He wouldn't have to sense it from his husband's mind to know that Erik feels the same, either. He can feel Erik hard against him, and Charles is becoming that way himself quickly enough.
"I always wanted you," Erik breathes.
Erik's hips move against his and Charles doesn't hold back the gasp it pulls from him. He wraps his arms around his husband's neck to hold himself as close as he can be, and his hips move in response. They're grinding into each other, and Charles notes faintly that neither of them seems to care that they're fully clothed. But it's too late to worry about it now; they need this too badly to stop just for that.
Charles isn't sure when it happens but at some point Erik has pushed him up and reached down to hook Charles's legs around his waist, pushing into the wall harder now to keep him up because neither of them is focusing much on the holding on-just on the motion of their hips and the waves of pleasure and even though it's frantic and needy and not at all the most efficient way to get it done it's so much better than anything else either of them has had for the last seven years. Charles is sure of that.
Erik thrusts forward particularly hard and Charles's head falls back. He lets out a cry and Erik is kissing his throat now that it's exposed-another gesture more intimate than he's used to, but it's good. He wants it. He wants Erik.
Whoever explained everything to him all those years ago was right; the physical requirements of the relationship had become easier to deal with, and then better, and then pleasurable, and along the way Erik did everything in his power to be sure that Charles got as much out of it as he did. In time Charles needed it too, just as much as Erik did, and he's needed it for so long now.
They both have. Erik is gasping against his neck, the fingers of one hand digging into one of Charles's hips while the other is at his back, and Charles's fingers are tangled in Erik's hair.
"You…I wanted you too," Charles moans. "I wanted you…for so long. I was afraid-" He cuts off because he's close, and his jaw clenches and his thighs squeeze tighter around Erik's waist as he forces his erection harder against Erik's through their clothes. Erik senses the change, is close himself, more than likely, and holds him tighter and picks up the rhythm to help.
Not that it's much of a rhythm. Fast and desperate, yes. Working? God yes.
Erik is already keening quietly in his ear when Charles comes, muffling his shout into his husband's shoulder, and when Charles comes Erik lets go with a rumbling groan. They hold each other tightly, riding it out, and when it's over there's dampness between them but Charles ignores it and presses his lips to Erik's again. The kiss is brief, but they both need air.
"I love you," Erik says quietly, plainly and simply and just truth and Charles feels it in his bones.
That could also be because he's all of a sudden sore, but he smiles to himself because it's the good sort of sore and he's missed it.
"I know." Both of them still catching their breath, Charles kisses Erik's cheek, up the side of his face to his hairline, and kisses the hair there at the temple that really is dusted in gray.
That's all Erik has, but Charles's mention of it earlier was understated in regards to himself. On his own head there are gray strands hiding everywhere, tucked into his full head of dark brown hair that's a little less full than it used to be.
It bothers him, but Erik doesn't seem to care-especially now, with his nose buried in it.
"I love you," Charles chuckles.
In another moment Erik lets him down gently, and they look back and forth at themselves and smile like the sheepish teenagers they were in the beginning. Charles has to admit he feels a bit as if they've gone back in time, and he doesn't mind the feeling at all.
"I'm going to have to wash clothes early this week," he says in mock complaint.
"You'll get over it," Erik smirks, wrapping his arms around Charles's waist.
Charles raises an eyebrow at him. "It's your fault. You ought to help me."
"Later." And Erik ducks forward and kisses him again. Charles indulges at first, losing his breath once more, and then pulls back a bit.
"Might we do this properly now?" he manages.
Erik freezes.
"Erik…"
He makes a face. "You know we can't."
"Of course we can. Just don't come inside me-"
"I don't want to risk it; that hasn't changed. I can't lose you-" He stops abruptly and swallows, looking away, and Charles reaches to take his husband's face between his hands the way and turn it back to him, holding it the way Erik held his earlier.
"You won't. It's all right. We can do this…"
"It's…that's…if I screw it up…"
"You worry far too much. You heard them; it's likely that I wouldn't be able to conceive at all anymore anyhow."
"But what if you can?"
"That's why we'll be careful."
"Charles…" Erik groans.
They've pressed together again, somewhat involuntarily, already in the beginnings of arousal once more, and Charles knows Erik can't resist forever. It's a bit unfair, but-
"Erik, please," he whispers near his husband's ear. "I need you. I need to know this is real. I need you inside me. I need you…" He's trembling a bit, everything catching up with him, and Erik wraps his arms around him and holds him against his chest. "Please, Erik, please…" Charles gasps, and part of him is ashamed to hear himself begging but suddenly he's fifteen again and he just needs to know he's loved. He needs to feel it every way he can feel it.
Erik is quiet for a long time before he says anything. "Promise you'll help me," he says softly. "Promise you won't let me screw it up. Don't let me put you in any danger…"
He nods quickly, relatively sure he can do that.
"How long do we have?" Erik asks, pulling back to look at him.
Charles blinks. "Before anyone comes home? Hours."
And Erik grins. "Then we really can do this properly."
Word Count: 2,656 (Chapter) - 26,665 (Whole Fic)
Pairings: Charles/Erik, Raven/Hank, Sean/Moira, Scott/Jean, very brief Raven/Azazel
Rating: R
Summary: Charles and Erik have been married for 25 years, thrown together by a mandatory post-apocalyptic pairing system attempting to increase and strengthen the population. They have seven children. They have never spoken of love, but change is on the horizon.
Warnings: mpreg, underaged characters for part of it but in their society they're adults, and it's a bit of a dystopia but with a happy ending
Chapter 7
Now
"Charles…do you love me?"
Charles's hands tighten around the broom as he fights hard to resist the urge to freeze again. He isn't sure he heard what he heard, and he doesn't turn around. "Do I what?"
He senses Erik hesitating, realizing that yes he just said that out loud but then there is resolve, and he says it again, not nearly so hesitant this time.
"Do you love me?"
This time Charles turns around, mouth open a little. "Do I love you?"
"It's a question, Charles."
He knows that. He isn't stupid. But it isn't a question he ever thought he would hear from Erik, and it doesn't help that he isn't even entirely sure of the answer. He thinks he knows, but what if he's wrong?
And what if it's only a question? What if Erik doesn't…
He couldn't handle that. He would break.
Charles swallows and turns back to the broom, shaking his head quickly. "Everything that's happened with Raven and Hank and the other children has you just as bothered about the system as I am. You're upset; you don't know what you're saying."
"I know exactly what I'm saying," Erik answers. He steps closer and Charles reacts by taking a few steps away under the guise of continuing with the sweeping. In truth, he's only swiping pointlessly at the floor.
"Erik, I'm your husband."
"I know. But do you love me?"
Charles glances at him briefly, but the sincere look on Erik's face is too much right now and he looks away. The broom isn't helping anymore and he crosses to the wall to put it away in the corner. "What sort of question is that?"
"One I'm hoping to get an answer to."
The answer is a bit cheeky and Charles tosses him a glare before he goes to the cabinets to search for something to make for dinner-for lack of anything else to do to avoid Erik's gaze. "Why?"
"Why?" Erik echoes.
"Yes, why?"
"Because I want to know."
"Why? You've never asked me that before."
"Charles…"
Charles isn't finding what he's looking for, and he closes the cabinet he's looking in rather loudly before opening another. "No, Erik. Why now? Twenty-five years, seven children, we're both starting to go gray at the temples, and you ask me this now?"
He isn't sure why he's suddenly so angry, but then again it could have something to do with Erik asking him this now, after the way things have been between them for the last few months. After Erik abandoned him the last time they were almost close.
"A little late, I know…"
"A little?" Charles scoffs a bit and turns away completely, rifling deeper into the cabinet and pulling things from it. He to tries to force himself to calm down, but he can't quite do it. His heart is in his throat and he wishes it weren't. He wishes Erik would drop it, so they can go on without going into it. They'll be fine soon enough. They'll work out their differences another way; they always have.
It's safer that way.
"It isn't important…" he mutters after a moment. "It's never been important. We're still here, aren't we?"
"Maybe that's why I want to know," Erik says to that. "So many of the others who were married as young as we were can't stand each other anymore. They've split up, or they're miserable…and we've never had that problem. There has to be a reason."
"We work well together. We get along. We're…compatible. It doesn't have to mean anything else."
"But what if it does?"
Charles wants to believe it does. Part of him, anyway. There's an ache deep inside him that wants to tell Erik everything, right now, but the rest of him is afraid. He straightens, sets a few things on the counter, but his back is still turned to his husband. "Erik-" Not now not now not now…
"Well?"
Charles frowns and turns on him. "Well if I'm to answer the question then you should have to," he snaps. "Do you love me?" He's suddenly more terrified than before, unable to believe he said that, and he's afraid of the answer, but he tells himself that it doesn't matter. Erik won't answer. He thinks Erik will let it go at that. He thinks that will put a stop to it. But Erik just looks at him; he doesn't retreat.
It's become a standoff.
Charles watches him warily, and the conflict on Erik's face makes him want to know what's behind it. He lets his guard down enough to sense a fear that rivals his own, only a moment before Erik speaks.
"Yes. I do. I think I always did."
It comes out a bit uneven, but somehow it still sounds sure.
And it isn't at all what Charles expected to hear.
The breath goes out of him, and Charles swallows hard and backs away, a scowl growing on his face. "Erik…damn you, Erik; you can't do this to me."
Erik looks like he doesn't understand, but it's a sham. It has to be. "What are you talking about?" He seems more alarmed than anything now.
"What am I talking about? How can you tell me that you love me after the way you've acted recently! How can you lie to me! After all the years we've been married shouldn't I at least deserve the truth?" Why is he saying this? Why can't he accept it? He wants to. But the last four months have hurt, and…he can't risk being hurt any worse.
"You do deserve the truth, Charles; I told you the truth. Finally." Erik's voice is almost pleading, and Charles wants to give in, wants to tell Erik he feels the same, but he can't. Not until the doubts are gone, and they aren't.
He blinks back tears, cursing them for being there, and sets his jaw. "If you love me then why in god's name has it been more than seven years since we were together? I'm not quite an idiot; I understand that isn't what it's about, but it stands to reason that if you loved me you would want me-" His voice breaks, and he curses that too, and turns away again. "Damnit…"
"You were never able to go back for the surgery. It's still too dangerous for us to be together that way, and I couldn't do that to you. I thought you would understand that. I-"
"We could have…been careful, or asked for something to make it safer. We could have-"
He tries to turn around again, but can't, and only manages a brief glance over his shoulder and Erik is shaking his head. "I couldn't risk it. I didn't want to lose you."
Charles looks away again and swallows back a sob before it escapes, laughing harshly instead. "This is about my health."
But then there's a hand on his arms, turning him around gently but firmly, and Charles opens his mouth to protest but that only makes it easier for Erik's lips to press against his.
It only lasts a moment, but the time doesn't matter. The fact that Erik is kissing him matters.
Erik has never kissed him before. Not this way. He's been chastely affectionate, kissed his forehead, his cheek, the top of his head, yes, but he's never kissed him this way. Not the way it's supposed to be done when one is in love.
When Erik releases his lips one of his hands rests against Charles's face, the other on his shoulder now, and Erik looks him in the eyes. "Let me rephrase that: I couldn't lose you. I refused to lose you. I loved you too much to let you go, and I'm just sorry it took me this long to realize that was what it was all this time. I love you, Charles."
Charles stares back at him for a long time, trying to process the fact that what happened just happened and that Erik just said what he said. Before he'll trust himself to speak again he presses forward to reclaim Erik's lips, just to be sure what happened can be repeated.
Erik responds easily, and it feels more right to be kissing him than anything has in a long, long time. He isn't sure how long it goes on, but by the time Erik pushes him back enough for them to breathe they're both gasping. Erik's thumbs stroke Charles's cheek where he's holding his face in his hands, and it tickles. It feels good.
"Do you love me?" Erik asks again between breaths.
This time Charles isn't afraid, and this time he knows the answer. "Oh god, yes. I love you. I'm sorry-"
He wants to apologize for being so hostile, but Erik kisses him soundly, effectively shutting him up before he can continue that route. And apparently Erik has heard everything he needs to hear; he turns him around, tugging him a few steps, and presses him into the nearest wall, never releasing his lips. Charles strains to be closer, trying to tell Erik to come closer, and he does. Erik is against him now, and just that is relief-relief from being so far apart for so long. When Erik was afraid, when Erik wouldn't touch him…
God, he's so glad it's over. He wouldn't have to sense it from his husband's mind to know that Erik feels the same, either. He can feel Erik hard against him, and Charles is becoming that way himself quickly enough.
"I always wanted you," Erik breathes.
Erik's hips move against his and Charles doesn't hold back the gasp it pulls from him. He wraps his arms around his husband's neck to hold himself as close as he can be, and his hips move in response. They're grinding into each other, and Charles notes faintly that neither of them seems to care that they're fully clothed. But it's too late to worry about it now; they need this too badly to stop just for that.
Charles isn't sure when it happens but at some point Erik has pushed him up and reached down to hook Charles's legs around his waist, pushing into the wall harder now to keep him up because neither of them is focusing much on the holding on-just on the motion of their hips and the waves of pleasure and even though it's frantic and needy and not at all the most efficient way to get it done it's so much better than anything else either of them has had for the last seven years. Charles is sure of that.
Erik thrusts forward particularly hard and Charles's head falls back. He lets out a cry and Erik is kissing his throat now that it's exposed-another gesture more intimate than he's used to, but it's good. He wants it. He wants Erik.
Whoever explained everything to him all those years ago was right; the physical requirements of the relationship had become easier to deal with, and then better, and then pleasurable, and along the way Erik did everything in his power to be sure that Charles got as much out of it as he did. In time Charles needed it too, just as much as Erik did, and he's needed it for so long now.
They both have. Erik is gasping against his neck, the fingers of one hand digging into one of Charles's hips while the other is at his back, and Charles's fingers are tangled in Erik's hair.
"You…I wanted you too," Charles moans. "I wanted you…for so long. I was afraid-" He cuts off because he's close, and his jaw clenches and his thighs squeeze tighter around Erik's waist as he forces his erection harder against Erik's through their clothes. Erik senses the change, is close himself, more than likely, and holds him tighter and picks up the rhythm to help.
Not that it's much of a rhythm. Fast and desperate, yes. Working? God yes.
Erik is already keening quietly in his ear when Charles comes, muffling his shout into his husband's shoulder, and when Charles comes Erik lets go with a rumbling groan. They hold each other tightly, riding it out, and when it's over there's dampness between them but Charles ignores it and presses his lips to Erik's again. The kiss is brief, but they both need air.
"I love you," Erik says quietly, plainly and simply and just truth and Charles feels it in his bones.
That could also be because he's all of a sudden sore, but he smiles to himself because it's the good sort of sore and he's missed it.
"I know." Both of them still catching their breath, Charles kisses Erik's cheek, up the side of his face to his hairline, and kisses the hair there at the temple that really is dusted in gray.
That's all Erik has, but Charles's mention of it earlier was understated in regards to himself. On his own head there are gray strands hiding everywhere, tucked into his full head of dark brown hair that's a little less full than it used to be.
It bothers him, but Erik doesn't seem to care-especially now, with his nose buried in it.
"I love you," Charles chuckles.
In another moment Erik lets him down gently, and they look back and forth at themselves and smile like the sheepish teenagers they were in the beginning. Charles has to admit he feels a bit as if they've gone back in time, and he doesn't mind the feeling at all.
"I'm going to have to wash clothes early this week," he says in mock complaint.
"You'll get over it," Erik smirks, wrapping his arms around Charles's waist.
Charles raises an eyebrow at him. "It's your fault. You ought to help me."
"Later." And Erik ducks forward and kisses him again. Charles indulges at first, losing his breath once more, and then pulls back a bit.
"Might we do this properly now?" he manages.
Erik freezes.
"Erik…"
He makes a face. "You know we can't."
"Of course we can. Just don't come inside me-"
"I don't want to risk it; that hasn't changed. I can't lose you-" He stops abruptly and swallows, looking away, and Charles reaches to take his husband's face between his hands the way and turn it back to him, holding it the way Erik held his earlier.
"You won't. It's all right. We can do this…"
"It's…that's…if I screw it up…"
"You worry far too much. You heard them; it's likely that I wouldn't be able to conceive at all anymore anyhow."
"But what if you can?"
"That's why we'll be careful."
"Charles…" Erik groans.
They've pressed together again, somewhat involuntarily, already in the beginnings of arousal once more, and Charles knows Erik can't resist forever. It's a bit unfair, but-
"Erik, please," he whispers near his husband's ear. "I need you. I need to know this is real. I need you inside me. I need you…" He's trembling a bit, everything catching up with him, and Erik wraps his arms around him and holds him against his chest. "Please, Erik, please…" Charles gasps, and part of him is ashamed to hear himself begging but suddenly he's fifteen again and he just needs to know he's loved. He needs to feel it every way he can feel it.
Erik is quiet for a long time before he says anything. "Promise you'll help me," he says softly. "Promise you won't let me screw it up. Don't let me put you in any danger…"
He nods quickly, relatively sure he can do that.
"How long do we have?" Erik asks, pulling back to look at him.
Charles blinks. "Before anyone comes home? Hours."
And Erik grins. "Then we really can do this properly."