Questions
Why do we always put faith in things other than ourselves? Why do we put our faith in things we have no control over? Why do we put our faith in other people?
I don't know why, but I always seem to rely on others to make myself happy. I rely on friendships, my family, and just blind optimism that things will eventually go well or work out. I constantly try to remind myself that I shouldn't rely on anyone other than myself, but I find myself falling into the same traps. The largest one being that I care about others. I would give someone I loved and cared about almost anything I had, if I thought it would make them happy. Yes, after I do it I start having second thoughts. Then I think that perhaps I shouldn't have done whatever it was because it makes something else awkward for me or it leaves me lacking in something. The biggest thing that is difficult for me to understand is that all it takes is someone asking for something in an indirect manner for me to forget all of that and give again. Now that doesn't bother me, the sacrifice or the doing things for others, its the expectation that I will be "the rock." I am the one that everyone turns to when they need something and I feed off of that. Making others happy makes me happy. Having friends and people who love me makes me happy. When I am alone I am a wreck. Not always, but around 80% of the time my self-confidence goes down because I'm lonely because I have no one to lean on. I get depressed and I think of all the examples of situations where someone could be using me. I think of all of the things that no one seems to appreciate and the personality traits that people use against me.
People expect me to act a certain way. If I am not what they expect I am ridiculed, questioned, and probed at constantly. "What's wrong?" "Why do you act this way?" "Why are you a cold hearted bitch?" "Why are you so selfish?" Those are all common questions that I face. Why am I expected to be perfect and no one else is? Why do I make myself available for everyone else, yet am unable to help myself? How am I qualified to be there for anyone else when I question myself at every step of the way? Why can't I feel whole without the people around me to support and love me? Why did my parents shelter me and make me so dependent upon them and others?
I don't know. I didn't intend for this journal to turn out this way.
I don't know why, but I always seem to rely on others to make myself happy. I rely on friendships, my family, and just blind optimism that things will eventually go well or work out. I constantly try to remind myself that I shouldn't rely on anyone other than myself, but I find myself falling into the same traps. The largest one being that I care about others. I would give someone I loved and cared about almost anything I had, if I thought it would make them happy. Yes, after I do it I start having second thoughts. Then I think that perhaps I shouldn't have done whatever it was because it makes something else awkward for me or it leaves me lacking in something. The biggest thing that is difficult for me to understand is that all it takes is someone asking for something in an indirect manner for me to forget all of that and give again. Now that doesn't bother me, the sacrifice or the doing things for others, its the expectation that I will be "the rock." I am the one that everyone turns to when they need something and I feed off of that. Making others happy makes me happy. Having friends and people who love me makes me happy. When I am alone I am a wreck. Not always, but around 80% of the time my self-confidence goes down because I'm lonely because I have no one to lean on. I get depressed and I think of all the examples of situations where someone could be using me. I think of all of the things that no one seems to appreciate and the personality traits that people use against me.
People expect me to act a certain way. If I am not what they expect I am ridiculed, questioned, and probed at constantly. "What's wrong?" "Why do you act this way?" "Why are you a cold hearted bitch?" "Why are you so selfish?" Those are all common questions that I face. Why am I expected to be perfect and no one else is? Why do I make myself available for everyone else, yet am unable to help myself? How am I qualified to be there for anyone else when I question myself at every step of the way? Why can't I feel whole without the people around me to support and love me? Why did my parents shelter me and make me so dependent upon them and others?
I don't know. I didn't intend for this journal to turn out this way.