HELP!!
Please take a read of this rough script of this short story and let me know your opinions (be really blunt).
Oeclair
Pre-script
Shara holds a square shaped glass object in hand (tester crystal).
‘I have to do this, to be a Magic Wielder’
‘This is the only way I’ll pass’
“Did you find your uniform!” Mother shouted from downstairs.
“uh,um..” Shara flustered to put the crystal card in her backpack. “Not Yet! Just a minute!” she looked around.
“I’ll come to help you!” Mother shouted back.
“oh, I think I found it” Shara opens a box. In it was an old uniform. She holds it in her hand. ‘A boy’s uniform?’
“Shara?” Mother walked into her(mother’s) room. It was messy with open boxes all over the place. “… my room”
“oh!” Shara started putting stuff back. “No, don’t worry about it. I’ll clean it later, you need to hurry and change or you’ll be late.” Mother walked over to an unopened box and took out a new girl’s uniform. Shara quickly changed. “Thanks mom!” Shara grabbed her bag and shoes and ran out.
Mother looked at the boy’s uniform on the floor. She picked up, gently folded it, packed it in a box and locked it. She look around the room ‘sigh’
_______________
“Buy dad!” shara waves as she rushes out the house. ‘they’re so far, gotta run faster!’ Shara sees a group of mean building. She grabs one of their wood planks. “May I have this!?”
“uh-” one of the men turn to see Shara jump off the hills edge and fly off before he could respond.
Shara glided about untill she spot a group of kids and an elder walking down the path. ‘there they are’ she looks about and lowers into a near by tree covered area. The gust of wind blew passed the group. They stopped and looked back. Shara stepped out, twigs in her hair. She looked up, the elder was glairing at her. She walked up to the group, head low. The elder turned & started walking, the kids follow.
Shara dusted her self as her friend, Alexi (boy) walked next to her. “Had trouble waking up this morning Shara?” “no, I woke up early to… practice.” “you can fly but you can’t pass an easy test” “or land softly” shara rubbed her bottom. “I’m sure you’ll pass this year” Alexi encouraged.
“Th- thanks, Alexi, I’m sure I will too” they come up to the school’s entrance. “Then stop looking so nervous.” Alexi walked off waving. “eh…” Shara calmed her self. She looked into her bag at the crystal ‘I have to pass this test’
“Morning, Shara!” *glump* “My little bro run off already? So mean”
“Morning Ena” Shara hunched over her bag protectively.
“you alright?” “fine” “What’s in the bag?” “Nothing! … that I wouldn’t need for classes”
Shara gave a half forced smile. “Oh, right, it’s the primary magic qualifications exam” Ena matter factly stated. “well, I’m sure you’ll do great” Ena patted Shara on the back “Good Luck!”
Shara look at Ena walk away ‘that was close’ .
_______________
Shara hid behind the corner of the school building. A man was meticulously cleaning and preparing the crystal cards, a basket of them be hind him. Shara quietly walked by and dropped the crystal near.
“Oh, here, you dropped one.” She handed to the man.
“Ms. Yan?” he took the crystal. “You should be in class”
“um, I was practicing”
“you’re determined to pass this year? Its your 3rd try”
“uh… yes” ‘good, don’t think he noticed’
“I wish you luck” he picks up the basket “It’s your last chance” He walked inside the school.
*Ring*
Shara was startled by the schools bell. ‘I missed class’ kids started to rush out. ‘well, I won’t be in the same classes after today anyways’ Shara followed the rush crowd of kids.
__________
The student’s pushed and shoved as they called out lunch orders. Shara grabbed her food and squeezed out. She walked to an open spot on the field, and sat down. She was near the top of a hill looking down. Further down the hill was the man from before clearing the area and prepping for the students to take the test.
Shara took a bit of food and stopped. “I can’t eat. Having the test right after lunch is too much’”
“May I have it then?” Alexi sat down next to Shara. She handed him her lunch. “Thanks, they ran out of anything I liked” He takes a bit and looks over at the teacher preparing.
He finished chewing “you’re good at wielding magic”
“I know! I know why I didn’t pass yet either!” she shouted. “eh..” looking at Alexi’s weird out face, Shara calmed her self. “I’m… sorry”
“I guess it can’t be helped. You don’t pass this, you’ll have to go to another school and learn something else.”
“It’s unfair.. most who pass can’t even fly and Its easy”
“Shara, only you find flying easy-”
“Hey, what’s he doing?” Shara cuts Alexi off. The teacher was throwing a way some of the crsystals.
“Dirt and scratches on the crystals messes up the spells” ‘ well that’s what they want you to think.’
He looks at Shara “Are you alright? You look pale - Shara!”
Shara ran off
_____
Shara walked around the city that the school was in, kicking a rock along.
‘urgh! No point in taking the test now! ‘ Shara stopped, frustrated she stomped the floor ‘I won’t be a wielder like mom’
“Come on! Just a bit more!” A group of men and a horse was pulling a carriage with barrels full of water up the hill. Shara looked up, then a thought came to mind. She ran up to the men.
the men almost tripped at the sudden lightening of the load. They looked up to see the barrels flouting. “where do you want them?” ‘I’ll still help others with my magic, even if I don’t have a title’ “Thanks little lady” the men robbed their shoulders and followed the floating barrels.
A few birds were flying over head. Shara felt something fell on her head. She wiped it and see it was droppings “EWW!!!” Shara shook her head fierce. “Watch out!” a man shouting. The barrels fell, rolling and crashing. The water splashed everywhere, making the road muddy. The carriage slipped and started rolling. The men stopped it before it went to far.
“I’m … sorry” Shara was soaking wet.
“It’s alright, you tried” Then man waved as they group started going back down, though not with out Shara hearing their comments
“we were almost done
“It was the last one”
“It will be hard going back up on a muddy road”
Shara’s eyes filled with water, she hit her self on the head “Stupid! Stupid!” She looked up at the birds. ‘I messed up because of poop… Magic wielder’s don’t mess up because of poop…’
And another fell on her.
________
A group of students were sitting done in the open fields near the school. They held their hands together tightly, concentrating. Shara still wet walk up to the teacher.
“you’re late, and where have you been all day? You havent been to any of your classes”
“uh, sorry.. I -”
“Here” he hands her a crystal “since you were out ‘practicing’ so much, I’m sure you’ll pass this time” Shara looked up at him. “uh, thank you” She walked towards the other students, sat down and looked at the crystal in her hand.
‘This isn’t the same one I made…’ she sighed and clinched her hands together. ‘ I want to use magic to help others but, I guess, even if I don’t pass, I’ll still do what I can’
Shara made a small smile.
‘I’ll still fly’
A bright shine birst from her hand. The other students watched as she opened her hand. The teach came up and all looked. A gold card shined in Shara’s hand.
“That’s a first time I’ve seen that color” he remarked. The other students grouped in to look. “I supposed having a unique color considers as passing”
Shara held up the gold card to the sky.
- Scene switches to her mother holding a gold card in her hand. The room has been cleaned. Mother places the gold card on top of the old boy’s uniform and locked the box.