(no subject)
Yeah. Should've saved that for a few months from now, when I can tell myself 'Oh, but I've learned so much since then, I can support and focus and breathe and relax and tune so much better now! Surely I don't sound ANYTHING like that any more!'
I still sound like a soprano. Also maybe 17 years old. Also with only one lung. Fuck.
Maybe I can perform well, but I sure as hell can't sing -- not by any standards of mine, or (I suspect) of the larger classical music world outside of Mac.
So this next year or two of post-graduation study better make a huge fucking difference in my technique. Because there's absolutely no way that any grad school I would want to go to would accept me in this shape. Moreover, I wouldn't feel confident trying to 'sell' myself like this; I just don't have a product I can be proud of.
Realistically, right now, I don't have what it takes. Nowhere even close. And that's a really depressing piece of knowledge to have on the cusp of graduation.
(And no, it doesn't make the slightest difference that people at Macalester like me, because this is the smallest little sidewalk puddle of a fishpond, and even a runty anchovy like me can look okay in that context. My voice teacher seems to think absolutely all of her students have professional potential, and it's just not true. So the fact that she's filling my ear with big ideas and big names does more to make me doubt her ability to accurately assess my current prospects than it does to encourage me, and I often wish she'd just stop already. Holy god, is it ever time to get out of this ridiculous department.)
Kinda miserable right now.
And on the illness front -- I've slept for almost two full days, and I still feel dizzy, exhausted, achy, and 100% brain dead. I have no idea how I'm going to finish the honors thesis now. None. Anyone have some spare methamphetamines lying around? I suspect that's my only hope at this point.
It would be nice if this turned out to be mononucleosis. Then I could give up and not feel so guilty about it.