youve taken all my peace, and my sanity.
i know she wont read this. i know and yet...
im posting it anyway, because i have that tiny little flicker in my mind that remembers that you said you bookmarked my blog. even if you never went back and looked at it again after that day. even if youve since deleted it because you hate me. even if you didnt actually bookmark it. because along with all those what ifs, theres the "what if she does read it" what if, and that one overpowers all the negativity.
chelsea dawn wickline was an amazing person. an amazing friend to all, including me. until i fucked that up. actually, theres no until there. I was lying from the beginning. there was no little mistake that caused the "until". To her, our entire friendship was based on a lie. one connection that we had was shattered. of course, because it was my lie that connection meant nothing to me. i was focused on our friendship and the great person I had met and immersed myself and my feelings with, but to her it was a friendship based on one, now completely shattered, connection. coming to terms with that has been harder than anyone could ever understand. and as i sit here, in shorts and the tshirt i wore on the very first day you were here, tearing up and crying harder on the inside, on the woman whom im babysitting fors laptop, i type this out because i feel the desperate need to get these feelings out, and that glimmer of hope that you might read it consumes me completely. I can no longer send you emails for you call my house, asking for my mother. or worse, youll actually go through with taking me to court, or filing a retsratining order, defeating my hopes of traveling to georgia in about three years to prove to you that I am truely sorry.
i am sorry, to whoevers reading this, for switching from she to you. this is what happens when i get rambling. oh, and i would also like whoever is reading this to know that it is about a friend, and not a lover. i like men, always.
everyday is merely me trying to distract myself from the pain that i feel for causing you so much grief. and the pain because you hate me so much now. and the pain for being such an idiot. and a lot of other kinds of pain. somedays, i succeed in not thinking about it. but at the same time, if im not feeling pain for you, im talking about you to other people in random comversation, bringing up a like or dislike you had as a comparision, caling you my friend. but you arent my friend. or, maybe you are, but i am not yours. its like i am Kat, except you talked to her and helped her. i get no help, no conversation what so ever. You didnt even say goodbye...
I try to tell myself that everything is for the better. I can be better and have a better life. I finally have one song that reminds me of you that doesnt make me feel sorry for myself. "It made me sick to think about, everything you put me through and how you left without saying goodbye. but if its really over now, then you could walk away. and it would be the last time. this is the end, of you and me. of everything i used to be back then..."
There are a lot of other songs too...
Spinning Wheels by Angel Taylor. Reminds me of how im just trying to catch up to you... grow up and mature up and get to a point where I can come and see you, face to face to appologize and show you how much I care. It reminds me of how I'm going to take a break and find something new to put all my energy into until i finally am able to catch up. "Break down, turen around and depend on something thats new. chase all the miles and ill drive. itll eventually get me to you. Ill keep you locked up, so tight, in my pocket. till you decide to slow down, ill keep spinning wheels."
Please dont leave me by pink... pretty self explanitiory...
and the one that i texted her, sending her over the edge at my attempted contact ith her (um, i sent one email and once text. my bad...)
Who I am Hates Who Ive Been by Reilent K. Pretty much the perfect explanation of how AWFUL i feel.
Oh, and so many songs on the country radio stations... songs that we heard quite a few times in the car. songs like "it happens" and "already gone" and "sissys song" and others. And then a few that I just remember hearing one distinct time, but it still takes me back to that one time in the rental car. im not as creepy as to remember the exact moment, but i just remember that it was playing. Or that you said you liked it (tahts the case with "Then" by brad paisly.) A lot of the time, I have to change the station so as to keep from crying. Strangely. there is one song that I can listen and sing along to like theres no tomorrow, even though it was so signifigant for us. "Theres One In Every Crowd" by montgomery gentry... for some reason just takes me to a happier place for us... i dont know why...
I cant imagine who will read this... or how crazy they'll think I am when they do. Sarah, maybe. Sarah, I;m so sorry for disappearing. My moms on an angry manhunt for people I know from online, so I havent texted you for feear that she would contact you and drag you in. I miss you. Cori, maybe, if your reading this, well I'm sure its impossible to understand and some of the worst writing youve ever seen from me! for that i am sorry, i am nothing comkpared to you at getting my thoughts out in a composed way, and i just really needed to rant! Chelsea Sampson, well, youve already heard all my crap and probably are not surprised! And Chelsea Wickline, if you are reading this, I hope you contact me soon. thats what makes me cry, i guess. knowing that she wont ever contact me... no matter how much i hope for it.
ugh. i feel like im out of things to say, and just mentally exhausted. im guess im going to pop in my friends season 6 disk i brought with me and get back into reading "The Time Travelers Wife" and pray to god my mom doesnt see that Ive been online.
But youre not even human... youre just a lovely idea of one, whom I accidentally loved and gave everything to become, the girl on the piano bench, singing all of her tears away. So did you feel sorry for me? Or was I just some charity case that you thought you could save? Well I was getter off, not even knowing your name. I was, so much better off. Cause your not even human.."
im posting it anyway, because i have that tiny little flicker in my mind that remembers that you said you bookmarked my blog. even if you never went back and looked at it again after that day. even if youve since deleted it because you hate me. even if you didnt actually bookmark it. because along with all those what ifs, theres the "what if she does read it" what if, and that one overpowers all the negativity.
chelsea dawn wickline was an amazing person. an amazing friend to all, including me. until i fucked that up. actually, theres no until there. I was lying from the beginning. there was no little mistake that caused the "until". To her, our entire friendship was based on a lie. one connection that we had was shattered. of course, because it was my lie that connection meant nothing to me. i was focused on our friendship and the great person I had met and immersed myself and my feelings with, but to her it was a friendship based on one, now completely shattered, connection. coming to terms with that has been harder than anyone could ever understand. and as i sit here, in shorts and the tshirt i wore on the very first day you were here, tearing up and crying harder on the inside, on the woman whom im babysitting fors laptop, i type this out because i feel the desperate need to get these feelings out, and that glimmer of hope that you might read it consumes me completely. I can no longer send you emails for you call my house, asking for my mother. or worse, youll actually go through with taking me to court, or filing a retsratining order, defeating my hopes of traveling to georgia in about three years to prove to you that I am truely sorry.
i am sorry, to whoevers reading this, for switching from she to you. this is what happens when i get rambling. oh, and i would also like whoever is reading this to know that it is about a friend, and not a lover. i like men, always.
everyday is merely me trying to distract myself from the pain that i feel for causing you so much grief. and the pain because you hate me so much now. and the pain for being such an idiot. and a lot of other kinds of pain. somedays, i succeed in not thinking about it. but at the same time, if im not feeling pain for you, im talking about you to other people in random comversation, bringing up a like or dislike you had as a comparision, caling you my friend. but you arent my friend. or, maybe you are, but i am not yours. its like i am Kat, except you talked to her and helped her. i get no help, no conversation what so ever. You didnt even say goodbye...
I try to tell myself that everything is for the better. I can be better and have a better life. I finally have one song that reminds me of you that doesnt make me feel sorry for myself. "It made me sick to think about, everything you put me through and how you left without saying goodbye. but if its really over now, then you could walk away. and it would be the last time. this is the end, of you and me. of everything i used to be back then..."
There are a lot of other songs too...
Spinning Wheels by Angel Taylor. Reminds me of how im just trying to catch up to you... grow up and mature up and get to a point where I can come and see you, face to face to appologize and show you how much I care. It reminds me of how I'm going to take a break and find something new to put all my energy into until i finally am able to catch up. "Break down, turen around and depend on something thats new. chase all the miles and ill drive. itll eventually get me to you. Ill keep you locked up, so tight, in my pocket. till you decide to slow down, ill keep spinning wheels."
Please dont leave me by pink... pretty self explanitiory...
and the one that i texted her, sending her over the edge at my attempted contact ith her (um, i sent one email and once text. my bad...)
Who I am Hates Who Ive Been by Reilent K. Pretty much the perfect explanation of how AWFUL i feel.
Oh, and so many songs on the country radio stations... songs that we heard quite a few times in the car. songs like "it happens" and "already gone" and "sissys song" and others. And then a few that I just remember hearing one distinct time, but it still takes me back to that one time in the rental car. im not as creepy as to remember the exact moment, but i just remember that it was playing. Or that you said you liked it (tahts the case with "Then" by brad paisly.) A lot of the time, I have to change the station so as to keep from crying. Strangely. there is one song that I can listen and sing along to like theres no tomorrow, even though it was so signifigant for us. "Theres One In Every Crowd" by montgomery gentry... for some reason just takes me to a happier place for us... i dont know why...
I cant imagine who will read this... or how crazy they'll think I am when they do. Sarah, maybe. Sarah, I;m so sorry for disappearing. My moms on an angry manhunt for people I know from online, so I havent texted you for feear that she would contact you and drag you in. I miss you. Cori, maybe, if your reading this, well I'm sure its impossible to understand and some of the worst writing youve ever seen from me! for that i am sorry, i am nothing comkpared to you at getting my thoughts out in a composed way, and i just really needed to rant! Chelsea Sampson, well, youve already heard all my crap and probably are not surprised! And Chelsea Wickline, if you are reading this, I hope you contact me soon. thats what makes me cry, i guess. knowing that she wont ever contact me... no matter how much i hope for it.
ugh. i feel like im out of things to say, and just mentally exhausted. im guess im going to pop in my friends season 6 disk i brought with me and get back into reading "The Time Travelers Wife" and pray to god my mom doesnt see that Ive been online.
But youre not even human... youre just a lovely idea of one, whom I accidentally loved and gave everything to become, the girl on the piano bench, singing all of her tears away. So did you feel sorry for me? Or was I just some charity case that you thought you could save? Well I was getter off, not even knowing your name. I was, so much better off. Cause your not even human.."