On Marriage.
Easter Sunday 2007- extracted from my journal de papier
I went to church with the family as their dutiful daughter feeling more and more disconnected from the people there. During the 'coffee hour,' where folks were mingling about making idle chit chat, an old family friend looked me dead in the eyes and asked loudly if I "had reeled in a man yet? If wedding bells were in my future?" I tried explaining that being in a relationship and wanting to marry were two unrelated things but by the time I spit out a response he wasn't listening anyway. He gave my mother a nudge and a sympathetic look which seemed to say, you poor thing having to deal with a childless unmarried adult daughter. I can't stand this attitude. It makes me want to rail against it in defiance, defending my own journey through life. You will not be the decider of my fate, villan! I want to say.
The other piece that gets under my skin is this pervasive gender bias. This assumption that the ultimate dream of every girl is to be married off. Also, that to attain this elusive goal will take much trickery and coaxing by me on my reluctant 'catch.' In this type of situation it usually takes a good deal of explaining that I'm not in line for marriage because of my personal choices and not because I'm struggling to reel anyone in. I suppose it's unfathomable to some that I should still enjoy single life. After all, it's rife with freedom, choice, individuality and possibility. Yuck! Who would want any of that!? A real woman's dream is sacrificing her desires and goals for that of her husband and progeny right?!
I may have a somewhat jaded view of marriage. But, in my experience there are basically two kinds of marriages; the ones that end and the ones that turn dynamic individuals into a static conventional unit.
In regards to the first category: my personal opinion is if you're going to get divorced when the going gets tough, why get married in the first place? If you are truly making a lifelong commitment to someone then keep it. If you're not the type to follow through on your promises, don't make them.
To the second group: you have fallen into a common trap of what a friend and I like to unaffectionately call, "The Cult of Marriage." Wherein upon marriage, the newlyweds retreat from their once vibrant individual lives and focus all of their attention, expectations, burdens on their partner. They stop calling friends, neglect their personal interests, only attend social events as a 'unit' and usually put on 15-20 pounds. This is the marriage where 1 + 1 = 1. Not only is that poor mathematics but it's absolutely lacking in creativity, growth, vigor and consequently tedious to sustain.
My mother recently advised me that a good marriage should be like an effective corporation, stronger together than separate. However, I rarely see marriages which encourage growth and profitability. Instead, marriage seems to engender conformity and consumption.
Bref, I have spoken too much on the subject...I could go on. Red button I guess.
I went to church with the family as their dutiful daughter feeling more and more disconnected from the people there. During the 'coffee hour,' where folks were mingling about making idle chit chat, an old family friend looked me dead in the eyes and asked loudly if I "had reeled in a man yet? If wedding bells were in my future?" I tried explaining that being in a relationship and wanting to marry were two unrelated things but by the time I spit out a response he wasn't listening anyway. He gave my mother a nudge and a sympathetic look which seemed to say, you poor thing having to deal with a childless unmarried adult daughter. I can't stand this attitude. It makes me want to rail against it in defiance, defending my own journey through life. You will not be the decider of my fate, villan! I want to say.
The other piece that gets under my skin is this pervasive gender bias. This assumption that the ultimate dream of every girl is to be married off. Also, that to attain this elusive goal will take much trickery and coaxing by me on my reluctant 'catch.' In this type of situation it usually takes a good deal of explaining that I'm not in line for marriage because of my personal choices and not because I'm struggling to reel anyone in. I suppose it's unfathomable to some that I should still enjoy single life. After all, it's rife with freedom, choice, individuality and possibility. Yuck! Who would want any of that!? A real woman's dream is sacrificing her desires and goals for that of her husband and progeny right?!
I may have a somewhat jaded view of marriage. But, in my experience there are basically two kinds of marriages; the ones that end and the ones that turn dynamic individuals into a static conventional unit.
In regards to the first category: my personal opinion is if you're going to get divorced when the going gets tough, why get married in the first place? If you are truly making a lifelong commitment to someone then keep it. If you're not the type to follow through on your promises, don't make them.
To the second group: you have fallen into a common trap of what a friend and I like to unaffectionately call, "The Cult of Marriage." Wherein upon marriage, the newlyweds retreat from their once vibrant individual lives and focus all of their attention, expectations, burdens on their partner. They stop calling friends, neglect their personal interests, only attend social events as a 'unit' and usually put on 15-20 pounds. This is the marriage where 1 + 1 = 1. Not only is that poor mathematics but it's absolutely lacking in creativity, growth, vigor and consequently tedious to sustain.
My mother recently advised me that a good marriage should be like an effective corporation, stronger together than separate. However, I rarely see marriages which encourage growth and profitability. Instead, marriage seems to engender conformity and consumption.
Bref, I have spoken too much on the subject...I could go on. Red button I guess.