I guess I'm just scared...
Why is it that I put off everything that I really REALLY want to do? Like talking to boys about how I *really* feel, applying to colleges I want to go to, and doing school projects that I know I need to do? All of these things I *want* to do, but then I just... blow off my time. I'm working hard, but not hard enough. I love doing what I'm doing. But at the same time, these things represent something that I guess I've been scared of yet yearned for my whole life:
GROWING UP.
You go through college, get a bachelor's, and get a good job. Finish your projects so you get a good grade. Have good relationships with men so that I figure out how to be a good wife... eventually. I sabotage myself and I didn't realize why until right now. I'm scared. Scared of being a real adult, scared of paying bills and running my own life. All I want to do is run around and have fun with my friends. I want the privileges of being an adult without all the responsibility. I guess this means I want to be a house wife?
By no means! I want to be a teacher. But the same problem occurs. I want to be a teacher, with all the perks and none of the crap. I want summers off. I want to be accepted by the children. I want to have recess and fun and pass on knowledge and be a stepping stone for these children to reach adulthood too. I never want to grow up. However, there's curriculum to be made, papers to grade, discipline to hand over, rigidness to be forced upon them to teach them how to walk in a straight line...
Oh my Gawd. My Dad is right. I'm a spoiled brat.
How can I want so desperately for something and yet not want to take the good with the bad? So spoiled I am! I realize it yet I don't want to change it. I don't want to, but I'm making a commitment that I'm will. I'm going to say no to my friends who have loads of free time. I'm going to get my life together. I'm going to finish these projects that are due soon. I'm going to grow up, but not lose the qualities that I admire in myself. I'll work with children to keep myself young. I'm going to be an art teacher. The thing I've wanted to be for two years now, but I've been sluffing off school and slowing down my own progress.
If I work with Plano, they'll pay for my masters. I can be a college professor then... on the side of course. Like Tadlock. I feel so... so manic right now, I could type forever on this subject.
I HATE RAP. >:O at the other people in this lab that won't shut their stupid music up.
Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is... that I'm going to put in a 100% instead of only 70% from now on into my school. I so badly want to just work and give up on school, but... I won't. I want to work in an elementary school like I am now. I'm not giving up.