Third No
Series: Finding
Title: Third No
Sub-Series: Five Times No from prompt by
bookaddict43
Rating: NC 17- for sex and violence- be warned!
Spoilers: Post-BDM
Disclaimer: Firefly owns me, I own words
Notes: Jayne and River discover a terrible truth about her time at the Academy, please forgive me...
All Jayne/River stories are in the same storyline no matter when they appear.
Organizational Post
“No xiâo que, I didn’t finish my series with Bonnie… I ain’t gonna be finishin’ it with any a’ them girls…” As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Jayne realized he had found something he had lost eight months earlier. There was a light outside of himself, a place where he didn’t feel lost. This little crazy person looking up at him with trust and hope drew back the veil of anger and emptiness he had cowled himself in.
She turned in his arms, sliding her arms up around his shoulders and neck. “The search for first prime consumed all energies… made path cloudy… been here all along.” She stated in her lecturing voice.
“Nah, I ain’t been lookin’ all that long… just been a little bit…” He answered, dropping his forehead to rest against hers.
“Looking since girl came out of the box… was here all along… dreams were where she could see the hunter… always there in dreams…” Her voice was soft and careful in tone.
He pulled his head up and regarded her through serious eyes. “Ya ain’t naught but a feng loh girl, bare more’n a child… I could be yer Pa… can’t be what a girl like you need.” He was churning inside, knew he wanted to carry her off in his arms, away from the world, away from reality. But he stood his ground, holding her, gently when he wanted to be harsh.
She felt his tension in the corded muscles of his neck, the arms deceptively relaxed around her, vibrating.
“Not a girl, not been a girl for many cycles. Broke the child free to make the woman. Pieces put back in place, reordered and neatened mess inside.” She leaned forward, placed her nose on his chest and inhaled deeply “Drew smoke around to hide from prying eyes, found self there, came out whole.”
Jayne tried to relax, tried to let her words make sense. The scent of apples still clung to her hair, filled his nose with its tartness. “I ain’t gonna be like some Core-bred boy yer parents arranged fer ya ta go out with. Not ever gonna be fine and schooled like that… Just an old merc, been livin’ by my gun since afore ya were born… Most like will die by one as well.” He was trying to be truthsome to the hopeful girl, not a woman yet in his eyes, couldn’t be a woman, cause then he would have to admit she was more than he had ever dreamed of, more than he had ever allowed himself to imagine possible.
She regarded him, hair not curtained over her face like usual, lucidity in her expression. Jayne admitted to himself that he had been ignoring the growth of the girl into the woman since Miranda. He had been caught in his own circle of anger and fear. He was so angry with himself about failing at Mr. Universe’s, failing in his own mind. Had spent the last eight months making up for it where and when he could, drinking to forget when he couldn’t do any more.
He realized with a start that she had no idea what he was thinking, she couldn’t see into him like she could the others… He wasn’t sure what it was that made him know it, but he was certain that was the case. And then, shockingly, he knew that he understood her better than she understood him.
“Yer the bird in my dreams? When I ain’t being ….” He stopped, he didn’t want to tell her about his nightmares, the stark terror of slow death by the hands of Reavers, the repeated death and living only to be torn asunder again. He didn’t want her to know about the blood and red and pain, the waking, thrashing, covered in sweat. “When I am dreamin’…?” He finished lamely.
She nodded, “Finds the bear there, sees the burned out land, smells the smoke and feels the soot in her nose, on her wings. Draws the smoke with her to shield from the others. Uses it to be quiet, peaceful.”
“Huh. Been doin’ that long have ya?” He asked with a quirked brow.
“First climbed out of box, smelled the smoke, slept surrounded by smoke. Was protected.”
Gently, with calloused fingers, he drew the line of her jaw with his thumb, slid his fingers into her hair. It felt right, felt like he had been touching her like that forever. His hand knew the feel of her skin, the smoothness of the bone below.
They had been on Persephone long enough for everyone to go to a bath house and enjoy a real soak and wash instead of the usual water conservation required on a ship that had to carry all its own water. Sponge baths were the norm, not the exception when they were deep in the black. So her hair was freshly clean and smelled of sweet apples. It wasn’t just the shampoo his nose was telling him. It was part of her, the way she smelled. He knew hungrily that it mattered that they had had apples around to eat the last few days. Folk usually smelled like what they ate he knew… But she smelled like apples even when there weren’t any around. That qualified as a deep thought right then. He was enjoying moving it around in his mind; food, scent and her. He was content for the first time in longer than he could remember. Jayne had seen more than he cared to recall, but it had led him to this place, now, with her.
“I ain’t gonna be an easy man fer ya… ain’t never been easy fer no one…” He stated bluntly, belying the gentleness of his touch. “Don’t go to expectin’ that ta change.” She nodded slightly, mouth softly open, breathing him in. He leaned down and drew her tightly to him, crushed his mouth to hers, pushed her lips open with a prying tongue and was rewarded by her equal fervor in return. She held nothing back, allowed her body to sculpt itself to his, her lips and tongue matching his forward and back, feeling, tasting, uninhibited in their exploration.
He drew a ragged breath after untold minutes of kissing her, smelling her, tasting her. “Gotta stop, ain’t gonna be able ta stop if’n we don’t… I ain’t got the wish ta stop, be wantin’ ta take ya now.. and I can’t, won’t… ya hear?” He was burying his face in her hair, inhaling, lipping her neck as he spoke, his body moving of its own accord. His hands moved over her back, her sides, kneaded a breast through the fabric of her dress, nearly tore the dress off right then and there until he shuddered back from her, heat flushed his face. He was painfully aware of the constriction of his pants, the ache to be inside her. Pulled her back to himself fast and hard.
“Scared.” She stated flatly.
“What?” Jayne mumbled past her hair he had his face buried in. His train of thought derailed there. He had been intent on maintaining some semblance of control and then everything shifted.. again.
“Uncertain as to outcome.” She continued, “Body desires what mind only understands conceptually.”
“What are ya goin’ on about Crazy.” he teased, surprising himself even. He hadn’t teased her since before the Maidenhead fight nearly eight months earlier.
“She is not crazy!” She sputtered back.
“She is when she talks like she ain’t you.” He answered back, coming more aware as she drew back and pulled her hair away from his olfactory exploration. He had a crooked smirk and his eyes crinkled at the corners. She saw those darkly crystalline blue eyes aimed right at her, straight through all the worries and fears she had. He opened her up, moved into her heart without pushing her own self out of the way. His thoughts were clear and unreadable to her most of the time. She would feel the waves of emotion coursing through his blood and cells, the vibrations of his being to external forces. Sometimes when the crew was gathered, quietly spending time in the evenings, she could see them as shapes and colors, scents emanating from them. His sleeptime bear would be almost as real as his solid body those times. When he looked at her at that moment, she saw the bruin peering out at her, curious, intrigued, full of color and power. Smoke and tangy spice from the core of his being surrounded her.
“I am scared.” She replied to his searching eyes.
The smirk receded to be replaced by a frown, concern flashed across his features. He started to talk, but no words would form, he searched her face for clues, a direction to take the question… He was still trying to form any thought at all.
“I know there is a progression… a next step… we… I want to… with you… don’t know how… not sure if…” She was barely whisperin’, nearly no sound at all. He felt the fear in her tone more than hearing the actual words. Her face was betraying her, small tic on her left cheek, eyes quickly scanning, looking for an escape route. Her whole being was gearing up for fight or flight.
“Shhhh, shh.” He placed his forefinger gently on her lips, stopping the flow of words, the waves of fear. “You don’t need ta go anywhere ya are scared a’...” She shook her head silently, eyes beginning to brim again. He didn’t know she wasn’t scared for herself.
He knew he was the wrong man to explain this to her, much less be her first. Not that he hadn’t had the experience more’n a few times… but not with someone like her. She deserved better than him. He knew he was just lucky to have anything with her at all. After he had come back from House Lilac, having talked with Bonnie, or rather, been told by Bonnie what a hun dahn he was, he figured he was just to gorramn dumb to know what to do with a girl like River. He just knew she weren’t like Bonnie and her working girls and he weren’t gonna be able to just act like she was.
She made him feel in ways he hadn’t ever before and he wasn’t sure he wanted to stop and examine that, wasn’t sure he could rightly make sense of it in point of fact. She seemed to have some magic all-seeing mind and that scared him just a bit more than he cared to admit. He was glad she couldn’t see what he felt and thought like she could the rest of the crew. Weren’t no one who should see what went on in the mind of Jayne Cobb. Most people who knew him would be more than a little surprised if they could see what was stored in his memories and the thoughts he carried with him everywhere…
~~~~~
He held himself on his arms above her, mindful even in the haze of desire to not crush down on her body with his bulk. He could feel her vibrate, tremble in reaction to his presence over her, in her, moving with her. Her body spasmed with the new sensations. He strained to maintain control, to not lose himself in the moment himself as she tightened around him, her legs wrapped around his waist. She was caught in the web of feeling, felt him moving in her, the smooth slide of skin and muscle, filling her whole body with him, his smoky scent surrounding them. Her body moved of its own accord, responded to his thrust and slide, fast, fast, slow, fast, fast, slow… he brought her awareness inwards to contain just that space, that feeling. Nothing else existed except the sensations that filled her, his scent, his taste on her lips, his body pressed onto hers, into her, the sound of his groans and rumbles; she could see at the edge of her awareness his bulk looming over her with a trick of the light changing their forms to images of coalescing air, spirits, the tang of his bear wafting past her. And then, ecstasy, agony, her body becoming other than, expanding outwards uncontained.
Perception shifted, changed from being receiving and connected to him; became a weapon. Her hands snaked out to grab and twist his head, teeth sunk into his base of his neck, tearing through skin and muscle and her legs locked in a vice, torqueing his body sideways. Skin, muscle, and sinew; torn, coppery stickiness of metallic blood. Wrenching twist to tear and rip, to fight free from the immersion, the dispersion of herself into the deep pools with no air, all light, exploding through her skin.
With an agonized roar, he dropped his weight against her, slamming her into the bed, grabbing her wrists as he did, pulling her hands from his head and neck. His shoulder, blood running freely from the bite, slid wet and sticky into the soft space under her jaw. Pressing brutally on her throat; holding her teeth away from attacking again. She writhed against his weight holding her down, her body trying to twist out from under him. He was fighting for his life in that moment, holding her down with his mass, wrestling her hands away from his face, agony of pain where she had torn through skin and muscle where his neck joined his shoulder. Blood was everywhere, his blood.
“Ai ya… Girlie, it’s me… “ Jayne managed to growl out around his clenched teeth. He could feel her struggling against him, he held her tightly, hands wrapped around her wrists so tightly he was scared he would break them. Her small body was no match for his. He pressed heavily down onto her so her legs couldn’t gain purchase enough to twist him off. Her eyes flew open when he spoke, seeing his face just over hers.
Without stopping her struggle, she whispered softly, “Jayne?”
“Yeah, I’m right here.” He managed to answer as more pain coursed through him from the scissor grip her legs had around him. “Ai ya, ya gotta let go… ya gonna hurt yerself…” He could feel his shoulder pressing into her throat, the warm stickiness of the blood forcing him to hold down on her harder to keep her from slipping out and attacking him again.
Blood pounded behind his eyes, a red haze was blanketing all he saw. She quieted, saw the waves coming off him, waves of pain. Her body released some of its hold. Barely audible, he grunted out, “Girlie, ya know where ya are?” His face was contorted in pain and concern, jaw clenching tightly.
She tried to nod against his wet- slick shoulder, “Yes… here, with you… felt my body become less than mine and more than everything… responded… needed to hold self together…”
“Ya ain’t wrong, ya did respond… is supposed ta.. part of it…” He was trying to not let his instinct to fight take over his body. The haze of pain was blurring his vision, making him see the not the girl but the danger he was in. How was he supposed to explain to her that what she was reacting to was not a dangerous thing?
“Flying apart? Losing touch with own boundaries…?”
“Yeah, losing yerself fer just a bit… is supposed ta happen.” Jayne was gritting his teeth, trying to hold himself strong and not abandon her in angry frustration. Ai ya, he could feel his left arm stiffening as the adrenaline was dissipating, the torn muscles and ligaments reduced in their capacity to hold his shoulder off of her, hold her wrist.
“It hurts…?” She whispered, tears coursing freely..
“I know, I shoulda… I should… “ He shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. His body had gone from the height of pleasure to the agony of pain so quickly that he couldn’t find his thoughts. Everything instinctually was telling him to fight or run, not stay, still and coherent. The flow of blood continued as the moments ticked by. He knew he would be losing feeling in his arm soon, that the grip he had on her wrist would slip and he hoped she would be aware enough then to not try to kill him.
“Come on then xiâo que, it’ll be aw’right… no need ta cry ‘bout it.. first time is all…”
She shook her head as much as she could under the press of his shoulder, “No, never ok… never been ok… broken, this part is broken. They broke this part, took it away, no permission...”
Jayne heard her words, tried to process them, and began to form an idea that made all the pain and shock fade away… He eased up off her, trusting that she was past whatever it was that set off her attack. The sight of his blood smeared across her throat and down her ivory skin made his breath catch, more in reaction to her innocence lost than to the actual cause of the blood being there.
“What are ya sayin’?” He growled low and dangerous.
“This has never been safe, never been desireable.” She didn’t know how she had not remembered this, had forgotten this in the recesses of her mind.The memory of what had happened had been cut out of her memories as surely as the lies of Miranda had been put in.
“Jayne, they took it.. they took that memory and hid it from me…” She started to babble, eyes going wild, shaking her head, anxiety and fear poured out of her. “They took it, never told her, took this part of her and hid it…” She was hiccuping, hands were twitching, looking around wildly for something she couldn’t find.
He rolled off of her, pulling her up into his arms, cradled her naked body against his, ignored the pain of his arm moving and pulling on the open wound. He couldn’t talk, he couldn’t think anything except rage, fury at what the Academy must have done to her. Taken from her, blocked her from knowing, until they had another hidden weapon at their disposal. He realized then that he had a girl in his arms who had been programmed to kill in the moments when release and ecstacy were joined. And now she had discovered it. She was vibrating in his arms, he could feel her trying to stop crying, stop shaking. He held her, rocking slighty, hoped the blood was slowing in its flow. The pain was dulled behind his eyes, overwhelmed by the desire to do something and being forced to do nothing except wait.
He wasn’t sure if he knew what he needed to do other than let her come back to him.
“Jayne?” She whispered into his chest some time later, the blood had dried sticky and dark on her face, neck and chest. He had leaned back against the wall, cradling her to him in his arms as he had let his eyes close.
“Yeah?”
“She… I am sorry I hurt you.”
“Nah, yer fine, it ain’t nothin’, been hurt worse before doin’ less.” He was tired, eyes were heavy, the arm was stiff and achy. He didn’t want to think about how much it was going to hurt to climb out of the bunk and go to the infirmary. Ai ya, Simon. What was he gonna tell Simon.
“I don’t want to hurt you again. What if next time you can’t stop me…” She was snuffling against his chest, her face tickling across the short hairs. He tipped her head up to look at him, her eyes full and bright. Without a word, he leaned down and gently brushed his lips across her brow, her eyes, cheeks and nose. Soft, careful, lips, soothing her fears as they traveled across the map of her face. He breathed her in through his nose, mouth, skin, tasted the sweet saltiness of her sweat, the scent of apple that always followed her.
He ran his lips down her jaw, tongue just barely touching a trail of moisture. She sighed, relaxed in his arms, her body leaned into his, shivering not from cold or anticipation, but fear. He stopped to look into her eyes, blue oceans swallowing her whole.
“Ya got nothin’ ta be afraid of… I ain’t gonna leave, not giving you up.” His voice was soft, choked, emotion and pain warring over him.
River nodded carefully, her eyes trapped by his. He was looking past her face, past her eyes, past to something way down inside, the young woman trapped inside, wanting to get out and be whole with the rest of her. He held her eyes, held her body, and she felt, held her heart. He wouldn’t abandon her because she was still struggling, still trying to find all her parts. His eyes promised more than words could. She saw a bruin, steeled for life, peering past the man face. He wouldn’t give up.
“You need Simon…” She whispered.
“I know, think ya may have got an important bit there.” He joked back, voice thickening with the pain that was growing again down his left side. Carefully she unwound herself from his arms when she realized he was trying to not let her see how badly he was hurt. She gasped when she saw the whiteness of sinew and ligaments in the red of the muscle and blood at the junction of his neck and shoulder. His left arm he tried to keep still to his body, holding it with his right. He was quivering slightly from trying to control the pain.
Without further words, she dressed herself, then helped him into a pair of drawstring pants. He would have to climb the ladder himself. He drew his breath, clenched his teeth against the pain and went to the infirmary under his own power, wishing he still had the adrenaline surging that usually kept injuries from hurting too much. Unfortunately, those endorphins had left before he got the med table.
~~~~~
He opened his eyes to the bright lights of the infirmary. Felt a tightness around his chest and shoulder. When he tried to tip his head down to peer at the problem he found he couldn’t move without pain shooting from his neck down his arm and across his body. He persisted, straining against the hurt to see the bandage wrapped around his torso, his left arm bound to across his abdomen.
“You are to lie still… Simon says there are torn ligaments.. cannot support cranium correctly.” River was sitting next to the med table, gazing at him with wide eyes.
“Hey there xiâo que, been here awhile?” Jayne asked, noticing his mouth felt like it had cotton stuffed in it. A glance to a wall clock confirmed that he had lost a few hours to unconsciousness.
“Waited for you to awaken. Needed to see you were still you.” She answered softly, hands twisting a blanket she had wrapped around her shoulders.
Jayne reached his good right hand out to her, grasped both her hands in his one. Looking at her, he could see fear, smell the bitter sweat, felt the cold of her hands, the slight quiver in them as he held them.
“You are injured because of my actions… injured when you should have been experiencing pleasure…” She continued.
“Oh, there were pleasure all right… loads a’ that… ya weren’t the one ta hurt me… was that gorramn school where they done stuff ta ya.” He answered as quietly as he could, feeling himself wind up to anger, impotent to do anything about it.
“Blame lies with me… should be more in control, know when slipping…” She stammered on.
“Don’t go ta talkin’ like that!” He snapped back, “Ya didn’t know, weren’t yer fault… no use takin’ blame fer somethin’ ya didn’t do.”
“But, I did do it.” She stated flatly, looking him square in the eye. Brown to blue, willing him to see the truth as she did. She saw anger and rage forming there in the blue depths, but it wasn’t directed at her. His eyes looked past her pleading for understanding, past her fear of her own self, to a place deep beyond conscious thought.
“Nah, might a’ been you who were here, but it were them that did it…” He held her hands tightly when she started to squirm them free. “Weren’t rightly you, no way. And I don’t want ya ta thinkin’ it was. Dong ma?” He held her attention as surely as he held her hands and her heart.
‘I will not be the woman of your future if I cannot control my response to pleasurable experiences. You will look elsewhere for satisfaction.” River whispered, bowing her head to avoid his gaze.
He strained to sit himself upright, pulled her to him. He cupped her face in his right hand, thumb stroking her jaw, fingers buried in her brown cascade of hair. Drew her closer and crushed his lips to hers, no softness to the kiss, just raw want and desire. “Yer wrong, ain’t gonna be no other women in my future. I ain’t givin’ up on it... No givin’ up.”
~~~~~~~~
xiâo que little bird
Title: Third No
Sub-Series: Five Times No from prompt by
bookaddict43
Rating: NC 17- for sex and violence- be warned!
Spoilers: Post-BDM
Disclaimer: Firefly owns me, I own words
Notes: Jayne and River discover a terrible truth about her time at the Academy, please forgive me...
All Jayne/River stories are in the same storyline no matter when they appear.
Organizational Post
“No xiâo que, I didn’t finish my series with Bonnie… I ain’t gonna be finishin’ it with any a’ them girls…” As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Jayne realized he had found something he had lost eight months earlier. There was a light outside of himself, a place where he didn’t feel lost. This little crazy person looking up at him with trust and hope drew back the veil of anger and emptiness he had cowled himself in.
She turned in his arms, sliding her arms up around his shoulders and neck. “The search for first prime consumed all energies… made path cloudy… been here all along.” She stated in her lecturing voice.
“Nah, I ain’t been lookin’ all that long… just been a little bit…” He answered, dropping his forehead to rest against hers.
“Looking since girl came out of the box… was here all along… dreams were where she could see the hunter… always there in dreams…” Her voice was soft and careful in tone.
He pulled his head up and regarded her through serious eyes. “Ya ain’t naught but a feng loh girl, bare more’n a child… I could be yer Pa… can’t be what a girl like you need.” He was churning inside, knew he wanted to carry her off in his arms, away from the world, away from reality. But he stood his ground, holding her, gently when he wanted to be harsh.
She felt his tension in the corded muscles of his neck, the arms deceptively relaxed around her, vibrating.
“Not a girl, not been a girl for many cycles. Broke the child free to make the woman. Pieces put back in place, reordered and neatened mess inside.” She leaned forward, placed her nose on his chest and inhaled deeply “Drew smoke around to hide from prying eyes, found self there, came out whole.”
Jayne tried to relax, tried to let her words make sense. The scent of apples still clung to her hair, filled his nose with its tartness. “I ain’t gonna be like some Core-bred boy yer parents arranged fer ya ta go out with. Not ever gonna be fine and schooled like that… Just an old merc, been livin’ by my gun since afore ya were born… Most like will die by one as well.” He was trying to be truthsome to the hopeful girl, not a woman yet in his eyes, couldn’t be a woman, cause then he would have to admit she was more than he had ever dreamed of, more than he had ever allowed himself to imagine possible.
She regarded him, hair not curtained over her face like usual, lucidity in her expression. Jayne admitted to himself that he had been ignoring the growth of the girl into the woman since Miranda. He had been caught in his own circle of anger and fear. He was so angry with himself about failing at Mr. Universe’s, failing in his own mind. Had spent the last eight months making up for it where and when he could, drinking to forget when he couldn’t do any more.
He realized with a start that she had no idea what he was thinking, she couldn’t see into him like she could the others… He wasn’t sure what it was that made him know it, but he was certain that was the case. And then, shockingly, he knew that he understood her better than she understood him.
“Yer the bird in my dreams? When I ain’t being ….” He stopped, he didn’t want to tell her about his nightmares, the stark terror of slow death by the hands of Reavers, the repeated death and living only to be torn asunder again. He didn’t want her to know about the blood and red and pain, the waking, thrashing, covered in sweat. “When I am dreamin’…?” He finished lamely.
She nodded, “Finds the bear there, sees the burned out land, smells the smoke and feels the soot in her nose, on her wings. Draws the smoke with her to shield from the others. Uses it to be quiet, peaceful.”
“Huh. Been doin’ that long have ya?” He asked with a quirked brow.
“First climbed out of box, smelled the smoke, slept surrounded by smoke. Was protected.”
Gently, with calloused fingers, he drew the line of her jaw with his thumb, slid his fingers into her hair. It felt right, felt like he had been touching her like that forever. His hand knew the feel of her skin, the smoothness of the bone below.
They had been on Persephone long enough for everyone to go to a bath house and enjoy a real soak and wash instead of the usual water conservation required on a ship that had to carry all its own water. Sponge baths were the norm, not the exception when they were deep in the black. So her hair was freshly clean and smelled of sweet apples. It wasn’t just the shampoo his nose was telling him. It was part of her, the way she smelled. He knew hungrily that it mattered that they had had apples around to eat the last few days. Folk usually smelled like what they ate he knew… But she smelled like apples even when there weren’t any around. That qualified as a deep thought right then. He was enjoying moving it around in his mind; food, scent and her. He was content for the first time in longer than he could remember. Jayne had seen more than he cared to recall, but it had led him to this place, now, with her.
“I ain’t gonna be an easy man fer ya… ain’t never been easy fer no one…” He stated bluntly, belying the gentleness of his touch. “Don’t go to expectin’ that ta change.” She nodded slightly, mouth softly open, breathing him in. He leaned down and drew her tightly to him, crushed his mouth to hers, pushed her lips open with a prying tongue and was rewarded by her equal fervor in return. She held nothing back, allowed her body to sculpt itself to his, her lips and tongue matching his forward and back, feeling, tasting, uninhibited in their exploration.
He drew a ragged breath after untold minutes of kissing her, smelling her, tasting her. “Gotta stop, ain’t gonna be able ta stop if’n we don’t… I ain’t got the wish ta stop, be wantin’ ta take ya now.. and I can’t, won’t… ya hear?” He was burying his face in her hair, inhaling, lipping her neck as he spoke, his body moving of its own accord. His hands moved over her back, her sides, kneaded a breast through the fabric of her dress, nearly tore the dress off right then and there until he shuddered back from her, heat flushed his face. He was painfully aware of the constriction of his pants, the ache to be inside her. Pulled her back to himself fast and hard.
“Scared.” She stated flatly.
“What?” Jayne mumbled past her hair he had his face buried in. His train of thought derailed there. He had been intent on maintaining some semblance of control and then everything shifted.. again.
“Uncertain as to outcome.” She continued, “Body desires what mind only understands conceptually.”
“What are ya goin’ on about Crazy.” he teased, surprising himself even. He hadn’t teased her since before the Maidenhead fight nearly eight months earlier.
“She is not crazy!” She sputtered back.
“She is when she talks like she ain’t you.” He answered back, coming more aware as she drew back and pulled her hair away from his olfactory exploration. He had a crooked smirk and his eyes crinkled at the corners. She saw those darkly crystalline blue eyes aimed right at her, straight through all the worries and fears she had. He opened her up, moved into her heart without pushing her own self out of the way. His thoughts were clear and unreadable to her most of the time. She would feel the waves of emotion coursing through his blood and cells, the vibrations of his being to external forces. Sometimes when the crew was gathered, quietly spending time in the evenings, she could see them as shapes and colors, scents emanating from them. His sleeptime bear would be almost as real as his solid body those times. When he looked at her at that moment, she saw the bruin peering out at her, curious, intrigued, full of color and power. Smoke and tangy spice from the core of his being surrounded her.
“I am scared.” She replied to his searching eyes.
The smirk receded to be replaced by a frown, concern flashed across his features. He started to talk, but no words would form, he searched her face for clues, a direction to take the question… He was still trying to form any thought at all.
“I know there is a progression… a next step… we… I want to… with you… don’t know how… not sure if…” She was barely whisperin’, nearly no sound at all. He felt the fear in her tone more than hearing the actual words. Her face was betraying her, small tic on her left cheek, eyes quickly scanning, looking for an escape route. Her whole being was gearing up for fight or flight.
“Shhhh, shh.” He placed his forefinger gently on her lips, stopping the flow of words, the waves of fear. “You don’t need ta go anywhere ya are scared a’...” She shook her head silently, eyes beginning to brim again. He didn’t know she wasn’t scared for herself.
He knew he was the wrong man to explain this to her, much less be her first. Not that he hadn’t had the experience more’n a few times… but not with someone like her. She deserved better than him. He knew he was just lucky to have anything with her at all. After he had come back from House Lilac, having talked with Bonnie, or rather, been told by Bonnie what a hun dahn he was, he figured he was just to gorramn dumb to know what to do with a girl like River. He just knew she weren’t like Bonnie and her working girls and he weren’t gonna be able to just act like she was.
She made him feel in ways he hadn’t ever before and he wasn’t sure he wanted to stop and examine that, wasn’t sure he could rightly make sense of it in point of fact. She seemed to have some magic all-seeing mind and that scared him just a bit more than he cared to admit. He was glad she couldn’t see what he felt and thought like she could the rest of the crew. Weren’t no one who should see what went on in the mind of Jayne Cobb. Most people who knew him would be more than a little surprised if they could see what was stored in his memories and the thoughts he carried with him everywhere…
~~~~~
He held himself on his arms above her, mindful even in the haze of desire to not crush down on her body with his bulk. He could feel her vibrate, tremble in reaction to his presence over her, in her, moving with her. Her body spasmed with the new sensations. He strained to maintain control, to not lose himself in the moment himself as she tightened around him, her legs wrapped around his waist. She was caught in the web of feeling, felt him moving in her, the smooth slide of skin and muscle, filling her whole body with him, his smoky scent surrounding them. Her body moved of its own accord, responded to his thrust and slide, fast, fast, slow, fast, fast, slow… he brought her awareness inwards to contain just that space, that feeling. Nothing else existed except the sensations that filled her, his scent, his taste on her lips, his body pressed onto hers, into her, the sound of his groans and rumbles; she could see at the edge of her awareness his bulk looming over her with a trick of the light changing their forms to images of coalescing air, spirits, the tang of his bear wafting past her. And then, ecstasy, agony, her body becoming other than, expanding outwards uncontained.
Perception shifted, changed from being receiving and connected to him; became a weapon. Her hands snaked out to grab and twist his head, teeth sunk into his base of his neck, tearing through skin and muscle and her legs locked in a vice, torqueing his body sideways. Skin, muscle, and sinew; torn, coppery stickiness of metallic blood. Wrenching twist to tear and rip, to fight free from the immersion, the dispersion of herself into the deep pools with no air, all light, exploding through her skin.
With an agonized roar, he dropped his weight against her, slamming her into the bed, grabbing her wrists as he did, pulling her hands from his head and neck. His shoulder, blood running freely from the bite, slid wet and sticky into the soft space under her jaw. Pressing brutally on her throat; holding her teeth away from attacking again. She writhed against his weight holding her down, her body trying to twist out from under him. He was fighting for his life in that moment, holding her down with his mass, wrestling her hands away from his face, agony of pain where she had torn through skin and muscle where his neck joined his shoulder. Blood was everywhere, his blood.
“Ai ya… Girlie, it’s me… “ Jayne managed to growl out around his clenched teeth. He could feel her struggling against him, he held her tightly, hands wrapped around her wrists so tightly he was scared he would break them. Her small body was no match for his. He pressed heavily down onto her so her legs couldn’t gain purchase enough to twist him off. Her eyes flew open when he spoke, seeing his face just over hers.
Without stopping her struggle, she whispered softly, “Jayne?”
“Yeah, I’m right here.” He managed to answer as more pain coursed through him from the scissor grip her legs had around him. “Ai ya, ya gotta let go… ya gonna hurt yerself…” He could feel his shoulder pressing into her throat, the warm stickiness of the blood forcing him to hold down on her harder to keep her from slipping out and attacking him again.
Blood pounded behind his eyes, a red haze was blanketing all he saw. She quieted, saw the waves coming off him, waves of pain. Her body released some of its hold. Barely audible, he grunted out, “Girlie, ya know where ya are?” His face was contorted in pain and concern, jaw clenching tightly.
She tried to nod against his wet- slick shoulder, “Yes… here, with you… felt my body become less than mine and more than everything… responded… needed to hold self together…”
“Ya ain’t wrong, ya did respond… is supposed ta.. part of it…” He was trying to not let his instinct to fight take over his body. The haze of pain was blurring his vision, making him see the not the girl but the danger he was in. How was he supposed to explain to her that what she was reacting to was not a dangerous thing?
“Flying apart? Losing touch with own boundaries…?”
“Yeah, losing yerself fer just a bit… is supposed ta happen.” Jayne was gritting his teeth, trying to hold himself strong and not abandon her in angry frustration. Ai ya, he could feel his left arm stiffening as the adrenaline was dissipating, the torn muscles and ligaments reduced in their capacity to hold his shoulder off of her, hold her wrist.
“It hurts…?” She whispered, tears coursing freely..
“I know, I shoulda… I should… “ He shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. His body had gone from the height of pleasure to the agony of pain so quickly that he couldn’t find his thoughts. Everything instinctually was telling him to fight or run, not stay, still and coherent. The flow of blood continued as the moments ticked by. He knew he would be losing feeling in his arm soon, that the grip he had on her wrist would slip and he hoped she would be aware enough then to not try to kill him.
“Come on then xiâo que, it’ll be aw’right… no need ta cry ‘bout it.. first time is all…”
She shook her head as much as she could under the press of his shoulder, “No, never ok… never been ok… broken, this part is broken. They broke this part, took it away, no permission...”
Jayne heard her words, tried to process them, and began to form an idea that made all the pain and shock fade away… He eased up off her, trusting that she was past whatever it was that set off her attack. The sight of his blood smeared across her throat and down her ivory skin made his breath catch, more in reaction to her innocence lost than to the actual cause of the blood being there.
“What are ya sayin’?” He growled low and dangerous.
“This has never been safe, never been desireable.” She didn’t know how she had not remembered this, had forgotten this in the recesses of her mind.The memory of what had happened had been cut out of her memories as surely as the lies of Miranda had been put in.
“Jayne, they took it.. they took that memory and hid it from me…” She started to babble, eyes going wild, shaking her head, anxiety and fear poured out of her. “They took it, never told her, took this part of her and hid it…” She was hiccuping, hands were twitching, looking around wildly for something she couldn’t find.
He rolled off of her, pulling her up into his arms, cradled her naked body against his, ignored the pain of his arm moving and pulling on the open wound. He couldn’t talk, he couldn’t think anything except rage, fury at what the Academy must have done to her. Taken from her, blocked her from knowing, until they had another hidden weapon at their disposal. He realized then that he had a girl in his arms who had been programmed to kill in the moments when release and ecstacy were joined. And now she had discovered it. She was vibrating in his arms, he could feel her trying to stop crying, stop shaking. He held her, rocking slighty, hoped the blood was slowing in its flow. The pain was dulled behind his eyes, overwhelmed by the desire to do something and being forced to do nothing except wait.
He wasn’t sure if he knew what he needed to do other than let her come back to him.
“Jayne?” She whispered into his chest some time later, the blood had dried sticky and dark on her face, neck and chest. He had leaned back against the wall, cradling her to him in his arms as he had let his eyes close.
“Yeah?”
“She… I am sorry I hurt you.”
“Nah, yer fine, it ain’t nothin’, been hurt worse before doin’ less.” He was tired, eyes were heavy, the arm was stiff and achy. He didn’t want to think about how much it was going to hurt to climb out of the bunk and go to the infirmary. Ai ya, Simon. What was he gonna tell Simon.
“I don’t want to hurt you again. What if next time you can’t stop me…” She was snuffling against his chest, her face tickling across the short hairs. He tipped her head up to look at him, her eyes full and bright. Without a word, he leaned down and gently brushed his lips across her brow, her eyes, cheeks and nose. Soft, careful, lips, soothing her fears as they traveled across the map of her face. He breathed her in through his nose, mouth, skin, tasted the sweet saltiness of her sweat, the scent of apple that always followed her.
He ran his lips down her jaw, tongue just barely touching a trail of moisture. She sighed, relaxed in his arms, her body leaned into his, shivering not from cold or anticipation, but fear. He stopped to look into her eyes, blue oceans swallowing her whole.
“Ya got nothin’ ta be afraid of… I ain’t gonna leave, not giving you up.” His voice was soft, choked, emotion and pain warring over him.
River nodded carefully, her eyes trapped by his. He was looking past her face, past her eyes, past to something way down inside, the young woman trapped inside, wanting to get out and be whole with the rest of her. He held her eyes, held her body, and she felt, held her heart. He wouldn’t abandon her because she was still struggling, still trying to find all her parts. His eyes promised more than words could. She saw a bruin, steeled for life, peering past the man face. He wouldn’t give up.
“You need Simon…” She whispered.
“I know, think ya may have got an important bit there.” He joked back, voice thickening with the pain that was growing again down his left side. Carefully she unwound herself from his arms when she realized he was trying to not let her see how badly he was hurt. She gasped when she saw the whiteness of sinew and ligaments in the red of the muscle and blood at the junction of his neck and shoulder. His left arm he tried to keep still to his body, holding it with his right. He was quivering slightly from trying to control the pain.
Without further words, she dressed herself, then helped him into a pair of drawstring pants. He would have to climb the ladder himself. He drew his breath, clenched his teeth against the pain and went to the infirmary under his own power, wishing he still had the adrenaline surging that usually kept injuries from hurting too much. Unfortunately, those endorphins had left before he got the med table.
~~~~~
He opened his eyes to the bright lights of the infirmary. Felt a tightness around his chest and shoulder. When he tried to tip his head down to peer at the problem he found he couldn’t move without pain shooting from his neck down his arm and across his body. He persisted, straining against the hurt to see the bandage wrapped around his torso, his left arm bound to across his abdomen.
“You are to lie still… Simon says there are torn ligaments.. cannot support cranium correctly.” River was sitting next to the med table, gazing at him with wide eyes.
“Hey there xiâo que, been here awhile?” Jayne asked, noticing his mouth felt like it had cotton stuffed in it. A glance to a wall clock confirmed that he had lost a few hours to unconsciousness.
“Waited for you to awaken. Needed to see you were still you.” She answered softly, hands twisting a blanket she had wrapped around her shoulders.
Jayne reached his good right hand out to her, grasped both her hands in his one. Looking at her, he could see fear, smell the bitter sweat, felt the cold of her hands, the slight quiver in them as he held them.
“You are injured because of my actions… injured when you should have been experiencing pleasure…” She continued.
“Oh, there were pleasure all right… loads a’ that… ya weren’t the one ta hurt me… was that gorramn school where they done stuff ta ya.” He answered as quietly as he could, feeling himself wind up to anger, impotent to do anything about it.
“Blame lies with me… should be more in control, know when slipping…” She stammered on.
“Don’t go ta talkin’ like that!” He snapped back, “Ya didn’t know, weren’t yer fault… no use takin’ blame fer somethin’ ya didn’t do.”
“But, I did do it.” She stated flatly, looking him square in the eye. Brown to blue, willing him to see the truth as she did. She saw anger and rage forming there in the blue depths, but it wasn’t directed at her. His eyes looked past her pleading for understanding, past her fear of her own self, to a place deep beyond conscious thought.
“Nah, might a’ been you who were here, but it were them that did it…” He held her hands tightly when she started to squirm them free. “Weren’t rightly you, no way. And I don’t want ya ta thinkin’ it was. Dong ma?” He held her attention as surely as he held her hands and her heart.
‘I will not be the woman of your future if I cannot control my response to pleasurable experiences. You will look elsewhere for satisfaction.” River whispered, bowing her head to avoid his gaze.
He strained to sit himself upright, pulled her to him. He cupped her face in his right hand, thumb stroking her jaw, fingers buried in her brown cascade of hair. Drew her closer and crushed his lips to hers, no softness to the kiss, just raw want and desire. “Yer wrong, ain’t gonna be no other women in my future. I ain’t givin’ up on it... No givin’ up.”
~~~~~~~~
xiâo que little bird