Sanity and Going Mad
What are your deepest, darkest fears? What for you are the shining opposites, those bright dreams that make you feel content and joyful?
Mine have to do with love and fear, sorrow and joy, guilt and redemption. The idea that a person, even one bent and worn by sorrow, can find love transcendant. That we can all find serenity so profound our fears no longer mean anything.
The past two weeks have been incredibly changing for me. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. A huge part of me is changing, and I'm not quite sure how.
At the most basic level, I have been sick with a sore throat, fever, cough, and what the ER docs call The Crud. I should have felt miserable, and did at times, but in a lot of ways it was a good chance to push myself in new ways. For example, it's rare that I bow my pride enough to let people take care of me. It's also rare that I see a high fever as a chance to read poetry while dizzy.
At the emotional level, it's a very new experience, to fall in love over and over with the same person. It's even more rare for me to want to; I've always held back before, trying to present the best parts of myself, rather than all of my idle thoughts and worries. Perhaps that was foolish, before. It's also rare to be able to turn all those worries into confidence and joy with just a little twist.
Spiritually? That is not for me to say here. Very, very few people know my true beliefs, and I'm not about to announce them here. I will only say, that if a huge part of your fears and dreams change, then the beliefs you've woven around your heart will change as well.
Now? I feel myself, and yet different. Leaner. Cleaner. Lithe and fierce, as if some part of me has burned away. Far less rushed in life. It's easier to slow down a little, and enjoy the sun as I walk to work. I wonder if we slow down a little when we're feeling fulfilled in life? That burning rush to find something meaningful is soothed, and replaced, by a desire to enjoy what we have found?
Mine have to do with love and fear, sorrow and joy, guilt and redemption. The idea that a person, even one bent and worn by sorrow, can find love transcendant. That we can all find serenity so profound our fears no longer mean anything.
The past two weeks have been incredibly changing for me. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. A huge part of me is changing, and I'm not quite sure how.
At the most basic level, I have been sick with a sore throat, fever, cough, and what the ER docs call The Crud. I should have felt miserable, and did at times, but in a lot of ways it was a good chance to push myself in new ways. For example, it's rare that I bow my pride enough to let people take care of me. It's also rare that I see a high fever as a chance to read poetry while dizzy.
At the emotional level, it's a very new experience, to fall in love over and over with the same person. It's even more rare for me to want to; I've always held back before, trying to present the best parts of myself, rather than all of my idle thoughts and worries. Perhaps that was foolish, before. It's also rare to be able to turn all those worries into confidence and joy with just a little twist.
Spiritually? That is not for me to say here. Very, very few people know my true beliefs, and I'm not about to announce them here. I will only say, that if a huge part of your fears and dreams change, then the beliefs you've woven around your heart will change as well.
Now? I feel myself, and yet different. Leaner. Cleaner. Lithe and fierce, as if some part of me has burned away. Far less rushed in life. It's easier to slow down a little, and enjoy the sun as I walk to work. I wonder if we slow down a little when we're feeling fulfilled in life? That burning rush to find something meaningful is soothed, and replaced, by a desire to enjoy what we have found?