Playing For Keeps [1/2]
Title: Playing For Keeps
Authors: scorch66 and cease11
Pairing/Group: Junno/Kame (aka KameNo aka Lame2), a healthy dose of KAT-TUN with cameos by NEWS and Yamapi (Johnny's Entertainment)
Rating: T for tease PG-13
Warnings: crack gone semi-serious, fairytale AU, humour of the shameless variety, implications of… adult activities, cross-dressing, undressing, death threats galore, too many implied pairings to keep track of, fandom in-jokes
Notes: Written for 2013 Devil or Angel challenge with the super lovely and talented scorch66 (together we are: Team Banana and Potato Minions!) for the prompt Pear. Originally posted Here. Based loosely on The Master Thief, Brothers Grimm variant. Enjoy!
Summary: Hide your daughters (and sons), Taguchi Junnosuke is the infamous Flash, master thief extraordinaire capable of stealing more than your precious gems, but also your hearts. Meanwhile, in the kingdom where things are oft’ pear-shaped, King Kamenashi is convinced that the Flash is after his crown jewels (the precious gem kind) and plots to put an end to this threat once and for all. Little does the King realise that it is not just his jewels (at least not the precious gems kind) that the Flash is interested in.
A ripe yellow pear rolled across the dirt-streaked road following a path too straight for it to have fallen carelessly from the bracketing trees, and slipped right under the wheels of an oncoming carriage. Within seconds, the carriage toppled over, the train of carriages behind it doing the same. It was a pity that Queen Tegoshi allocated more money for the lacings of his dresses than the sturdiness of his vehicles.
Amidst the chaos of shrieks and outrage, Taguchi stroked his false beard and slinked near a fallen carriage just in time to grab a stray yet promisingly hefty pouch from the road before the dust could clear.
Crouched behind a broken wheel, he peered into the velvet pouch and mumbled with a grin as Tegoshi’s men scrambled to set things in order. “Now, now, no use in crying over spilled diamonds.”
To his left, a man shouted, “Where is it?”
“What?” another replied.
“The peace token for the King of this land. The diamonds. Queen Tegoshi will have our heads if we can’t find them.”
“I can’t find anything in this mess, but where could they have gone-unless…”
Taguchi’s beard twitched with his smirk. He could escape now if he wanted, while the men were distracted, but this was his favourite part.
“Unless…?”
“Surely you’ve heard the tales about the infamous thief that roams this kingdom? The carriages couldn’t possibly have fallen over on their own-and now the missing diamonds, snatched from under our noses. It must have been The Flash.”
“The Flash?” the other man deadpanned before guffawing. “What kind of name is that? Stolen from some kiddy nursery rhyme, is it? I’m shaking in my boots.”
Taguchi pouted.
“Don’t know meself, actually. Some say it came from the way he moves, like a flash of lightning. The ladies say it’s his dazzling smile but I say that’s bollocks. If you ask me, I say the rumours of a drunken night in a tavern carry the most truth. Too much ale and a naked cartwheel, they say.”
Backflip, Taguchi silently corrected as the man shrugged.
“Anywho, the point is that you don’t see him when he strikes. Sometimes he talks though.”
“Talks?”
“Aye, his parting shot, salt rubbed into the wounds of broken pride. See, he wants you to know it was him that stole yer whatever. No one else.”
“Well what does he say, man?”
Taguchi grinned in anticipation. It was thrilling to know that his reputation preceded him even in neighbouring kingdoms.
“Something like iriguchi deguchi… deguchi…” The man rubbed at his chin in thought; scratched at his forehead, stretched, and even dug in his nose before he raised his hands in forfeit. “I can’t remember the rest. I swear it went iriguchi deguchi… someth-”
“TAGUCHI.”
Taguchi clamped a hand to his mouth too late. Swiftly, he pocketed the diamonds and sprang from behind the carriage wheel before the men could surround him.
With a smile that made ladies-and not a few men-swoon, he offered the men an exaggerated bow that remained graceful even with the tip of his beard touching the ground. “Iriguchi deguchi Taguchi at your service. I bid you fine lords wealth, health, and a good day.”
And with that Taguchi promptly turned and made for a sprint-only to trip over a fallen pear that had innocently rolled onto the path.
The stables doubled as the gaols, with the added furnishing of clunky chains that held Taguchi’s wrists and ankles together. This wasn’t the first time he had been caught in the middle of a theft, but his last capture had occurred so long ago that it was often left out in the tales of his legend. It helped that no one knew the real face of The Flash.
Back then, he had chewed through the ropes that constricted him but he doubted he could do the same through the heavy chains. Besides, he was quite fond of his smile and wasn’t at all eager to risk losing his teeth.
“I can’t stay here forever, though, can I?” he asked the cream coloured horse flicking its tail to his right. A whinnied nay was his only response.
There was clattering outside, the sound of hooves hitting cobblestone, and shortly the door of the stable-turned-gaols opened to reveal Sir Koki, the Knight of the King’s Guard. Taguchi and Sir Koki had a bit of a history that, in sum, involved chasing and thwarting and a whole lot of cursing. Some would say that the animosity was so strong, Sir Koki’s fixation and passionate promises of revenge so adamant, that the animosity wasn’t animosity at all. Taguchi himself liked to declare their relationship as one of friends playing a long game of tag. Sir Koki, however, his face dusted with a flustered pink, vowed murder.
It was an empty threat known to the entire kingdom for, while no one questioned Sir Koki’s loyalty and fierce intention to protect the King, his blade had never once touched blood; Sir Koki was known as the guard dog without a bite. Yet, while he could never spill blood without tearing his own heart, his dropkicks were legendary. Taguchi had experienced them first-hand and would happily vouch for the crippling pain they induced.
“Get up, you’ve been summoned to have an audience with the King,” Sir Koki announced with cheery anticipation. “Who knows, you may be hanged.”
Taguchi lurched to his feet, his beard swaying along.
“Hopefully you’ll join me then. It’s more fun hanging out with a dear friend,” Taguchi said brightly and doubled over with a kick to the back. It was a sweet pain.
The King’s court was in the shape of a vast diamond field, adorned with dozens of flags bearing the royal emblem against a backdrop of purple: Where things oft’ go pear-shaped, was emblazoned under a crest of twin pears.
Lords and ladies clustered along the margins, tittering in wonder as The Flash alighted from the carriage and was ushered to wait for the King’s presence in the very center of the court. As he waited, Taguchi wondered where his fate would lead him; the King, unlike his guard, was known for his bite-sharp and stinging, but just-as well as his finely trimmed eyebrows. Many a people had emptied their coin pouches at the most fashionable parlours to achieve the same precise angle, but sadly it was not to be.
The King did not keep him waiting long and soon the heavy doors of the castle were pulled apart to reveal him in all his richly adorned glory. A gold crown perched atop his nest of luscious brown waves and a fat ruby cut in the shape of a pear sat fixed in the very center, catching the sunlight and tauntingly throwing it back in the faces of mere plebeians.
The fact that the King was small-although he no longer the adopted the waif-like appearance of his Princehood-was masked with the way he wielded his body, each movement controlled and executed in a manner that was intended to distract from his short stature and delight gazes. The heavy mauve cape that should have cocooned him fell from his shoulders in a pretty flutter and swish as he descended the stairs, one hip sway at a time.
Taguchi had only ever seen King Kamenashi from afar but he appreciated this front and center view much, much more.
King Kamenashi stopped just a couple feet away, Advisor Nakamaru trailing after him in a state of constant apprehension, and gave Taguchi a slow look over, his gaze lingering somewhere along Taguchi’s legs. When he finally met Taguchi’s eyes, his neck craning back, he frowned and with a crisp snap of his fingers, a stool was brought forth, laid at his feet for him to climb.
Taguchi could only smile.
“Your admirers don’t do you justice, your grace,” Taguchi offered. Only few were immune to flattery but even so, Taguchi made a habit to give praise where it was due.
King Kamenashi’s eyes flickered once more to his legs. “Neither you, yours. I heard you caused quite the ruckus, ambushing Queen Tegoshi’s men and attempting to steal diamonds that were destined for me.”
Taguchi gave a deep bow, his chains clanking as he rose.
“I beg your forgiveness, your grace. I promise you I forfeited your diamonds with little to no objection.”
King Kamenashi quirked one of his fine eyebrows.
“After being found and captured, you’d be a fool not to. But never mind the diamonds; what interests me is your reputation. My men tell me you’re The Flash-but I have my doubts.”
“Doubts, your grace?”
King Kamenashi tossed his head and as if on cue, the court filled with wondrous sighs. The King’s hair streaked golden under the sunlight and fell back with little change; the crown did not budge. Taguchi admitted it was rather impressive.
“Do you take me for a fool? The Flash has underhanded us time and again and yet here you are, claiming yourself as the same man when you were caught tripping over a pear.”
Taguchi laughed sheepishly. “It’s as the saying goes, your grace… Where things oft’ go pear-shaped. Even the toughest men are bound to slip at least once.”
King Kamenashi’s eyes narrowed dangerously… but not unbecomingly, Taguchi noted.
“Why,” the King began silkily, “are you so quick to reveal your identity, I wonder. If you are indeed The Flash then you must know the weight of crimes that befall you as well as their, shall we say, undesirable consequences.”
Taguchi offered another bow. “As your humble servant, your grace, I am unable to lie to my King.”
“No, I don’t think that’s quite it…” the King said slowly and Taguchi looked up in curiosity to see a stubby finger adorned with equally stubby rings pointing at him in accusation. “You’re after my crown jewels.”
There was a hushed silence punctuated by Advisor Nakamaru’s wheezing.
“Y-your highness, I don’t think The Flash is interested i-in-” Advisor Nakamaru stammered as Taguchi thought with a wicked smirk, now there’s a bounty I hadn’t considered.
“You think you can fool me but I know better,” the King continued heedlessly. “Men have died to get at my crown jewels and you’ll soon join their ranks. Guards, seize him.”
Sir Koki rushed to the King’s side and urgently whispered, “Kame-chan, you can’t really kill him…”
“Ahhh, my knight in shining armour,” Taguchi crooned.
“… actually just do whatever you want.”
The guards began to advance and Taguchi, envisioning a life spent wasting away in the gaols, smelling horse dung and swatting away flies for the rest of his days, quickly shouted, “WAIT.”
He fell onto his knees and looked up at King Kamenashi with challenge twinkling in his eyes. “I can prove it. My grace, ask me to fetch anything and I will. I will prove to you my worth and my name.”
King Kamenashi considered him for a teetering moment and at last raised his hand. The guards obeyed and retreated to their positions at once. There was a glint in the King’s eyes that the court knew well for the King never backed away from a challenge, the prospect of another victory too exciting to pass up.
“Alright. Advisor Nakamaru, bring your quill to attention,” here, King Kamenashi paused to turn around and snicker, “and I mean the one outside your robes.”
The court snickered along and even Taguchi couldn’t stop his lips from quivering at Advisor Nakamaru’s reddening face. He quickly tried to school them back into firm determination once the King’s attention returned. Taguchi was thankful for the beard for hiding most of his mouth as it twitched of its own accord, too used to stretching into a smile.
King Kamenashi flicked a lock of his own hair before tilting his chin upward and declaring in a voice that carried, “I, King Kamenashi Kazuya, the fourth successor of the Nashi Kingdom, hereby challenge The Flash to a series of four tasks. If he succeeds and delivers to me each of the four items I assign, I shall grant him both his freedom and the sole ownership of said items.”
The court exploded in applause and once Advisor Nakamaru’s quill had caught up, King Kamenashi aimed a cutting smirk at Taguchi and continued sweetly, “However, if The Flash fails to procure even one of the items, he shall find his home in the gaols where he will repent for his crimes against the kingdom ‘till his last breath.”
Another round of thunderous applause and Taguchi bowed without breaking the connection of their joined gazes, his face returning the flicker of excitement glowing across King Kamenashi’s.
“I submit to the terms of your game, your grace.”
King Kamenashi’s eyebrow arched to an even steeper angle.
“Of course you do. I never gave you a choice.” The King gave another dashing smirk. “Your first task is… to fetch me Advisor Nakamaru’s wig.”
“Oiiiiiiiii,” came the immediate indignant whine followed by a cough and a swift, “I mean. Your grace.”
Taguchi watched King Kamenashi laugh, his small hands coming together in an almost child-like glee, eyes closed to mere slits and his dragon-hide booted feet stomping a jig so alive with mirth that it was a wonder he didn’t topple from his stool.
Quite impressive, Taguchi thought with a warm sensation spreading outward from the core of his chest.
When King Kamenashi sobered at last, he demurely patted his clothes into place and snapped his fingers. A hand-mirror was brought forth and only when he was certain that each tuft of hair and jeweled necklace was lying tastefully in place did he return his attention back onto his guest-turned-rival.
“As I was saying,” the King began at last, a hint of self-consciousness peeping through his veneer, “your first task is…”
“Baron Ueda,” the ladies at the market sighed dreamily, “is the head of the King’s secret assassination army! Tall, dark and handsome,” they paused and eyed each other with knowing smiles, “with a licence to kill.”
“Baron Ueda,” the bartender said as he poured the gin, “is somewhere between the definition of the sum of the earth, and a hero, depending on who you speak to.” He slid the glass across the bar and then leaned close. “Lock up your daughters, because Casanova has nothing on the Baron.”
“Baron Ueda,” the court painter’s second cousin’s wife’s nephew said, “is guarding something for the King. I hear it is a chamber full of the finest jewels. Everyone knows how the King loves to accessorise.”
“Baron Ueda,” the gypsies whispered in low voices, “is a spiritual man. They say he wears sandals all year around, even on the coldest days of the winter. They say he’s one of them, and by them, we mean the fairies.”
Midday on the third day of his quest to learn more about the infamous Baron saw Taguchi in the local tavern, washing a piece of bread down with ale when a busty red head landed heavily on his lap.
“I hear you’re looking for word on the Baron,” she said, shoving her chest in his face. She frowned a little when Taguchi leaned back against his seat, eager to get some distance between them.
“I can get you what you want,” she continued, “for a price.”
“How do you know what I want?” Taguchi asked with a smile.
“Trust me, handsome,” the woman cooed and played with her hair. It was long with loose curls, held up by some sort of lace band, most likely the newest fashion trend from Queen Tegoshi’s neighbouring kingdom.
“Whatever you want, my girls will be able to satisfy you.”
Taguchi hadn’t expected to stay in the Nashi Kingdom long, but circumstances had changed. He would not leave until the King’s tasks were all completed and while he was here, he might has well make as many useful connections as he could. Taguchi was well aware of the value of working women as sources of information; he had worked with many in the same trade before (on a purely professional level of course.)
“Well,” Taguchi grinned widely and stroked his fake beard, “how can I refuse that?”
“I’m Yamashita.”
“Bido.” The alias fell easily from his lips.
They shook hands.
“Are you sure we couldn’t… assist you in some other way too? My girls have varied talents; I’m sure you’ll find one to your liking,” the woman asked suggestively as she stood.
Taguchi laughed. “I’m sure your girls are all splendid. But I’m not really interested, no offence.”
They locked gazes for a moment and then she smirked. Taguchi’s eyes widened when she reached into her blouse and pulled out two small sand bags before tossing them onto the table. The glass of ale shook from the impact, but Taguchi was too busy gaping at the now slightly less busty chest in front of him to notice.
A moment later a long wig landed on top of the sand bags.
“How about now?”
The face without the wig was boyish and youthful, but the smirk spoke of confidence and challenge.
The other patrons in the small tavern were staring now, but the distance between their tables was enough to be out of hearing distance. Taguchi paid them no heed.
“Certainly much more aligned to my… inclinations,” he said, grinning widely, “only I’m the type to fall in love at first sight.”
“I take it you’ve already fallen in love?” Yamashita asked.
“Oh yes,” Taguchi smiled, “with the most proud and important man in all the kingdom.”
“Sounds like you have your hands full,” Yamashita said while adjusting his blouse, sounding not the least bit interested. “Any help you need, let the bartender know, he’ll contact me.”
Taguchi nodded and watched as Yamashita walked towards the door, his dress trailing after him. Just when he reached the door, Taguchi sprang out of his seat.
“Actually, there is something you can help me with.”
It turned out Baron Ueda was guarding something. According to Yamashita, some of his employees had clients who had visited Ueda’s rather expansive estate and they spoke about the north wing being out of bounds and very mysterious.
Taguchi adjusted his blond wig and heavy coat as he walked towards the iron gates in long strides. It was a pleasant surprise to find that Yamashita had an impressive collection of fine clothing. Yamashita had explained that sometimes, some of his workers were asked to escort their clients to various parties as their companions. At Taguchi’s impressed look, Yamashita had grinned. “I run a very exclusive escort service. None of that common whoring shit. I’m sure you’ll find that my information is invaluable.”
After being released from the gaol, Taguchi had nothing but the clothes on his back and his trusty beard. His supplies were outside of the city and he was sure the King would have the city gates guarded quite heavily for the duration of their competition.
He was asked to wait to be received and was led into a wide, simply decorated room with elegant wood framed sofas and seats. The maids busied themselves around the room and one of them, a young girl with bright eyes, stared at him in awe. Taguchi gave her his widest smile, but instead of inciting a blush, she turned away, looking disappointed. Taguchi pouted, he had thought that his smile was his best asset.
It was a good hour later before the doors opened again and the butler announced that the Baron had returned.
Baron Ueda was smaller than Taguchi had expected. He had short dark hair and was dressed in cream breeches and sandals. A sheer veil of sweat covered his face and neck and he wiped at it with the towel around his shoulders. While Taguchi appreciated the view, in the background, the maids swooned.
“I exercise every morning,” Ueda said by way of greeting. “Who are you?”
“I am a humble mask maker,” Taguchi said and bowed low. “I believe your lordship has been looking for a mask?”
“News certainly travels fast,” Ueda remarked and seated himself in one of the armchairs.
Taguchi took the opportunity to open his case and line several delicate looking wooden boxes on the table in front of the Baron.
“Your lordship?”
Ueda gestured for him to continue.
Taguchi opened the boxes and displayed each mask carefully. Yamashita had really outdone himself. Each piece was elegant and simple, exactly the way a gentleman’s mask should be.
Ueda looked mildly impressed. “I suppose I should pick one. The King insists on having a masquerade. Advisor Nakamaru must be losing his touch if he’s allowing the King to throw balls willy-nilly again.”
Taguchi had only met the King once and while at the time his hands had been tied and he was kneeling in a rather awkward position, the King had nevertheless left quite an impression on him. King Kamenashi didn’t seem like someone who would take ‘no’ for an answer when he wanted to do something. Suddenly, Taguchi felt rather bad for the unfortunate advisor.
Ueda examined each mask carefully before falling back onto the sofa, his feet resting on the armrest. He didn’t even take off his sandals; Taguchi frowned slightly at the inconvenience.
“Come back tomorrow,” Ueda said, “I have yet to decide which wig I will be wearing on the night and the mask and wig must be a match.”
Taguchi nearly chuckled at the thought of the Baron in a wig, but then he remembered that he was currently wearing a rather loud blond wig so he didn’t really have a right to judge. As he was led out of the mansion, he took note of all the doors and hallways he passed. While the butler was shuffling ahead, Taguchi carefully unlocked one of the windows.
Sneaking into the estate at night was made much easier once Taguchi drugged Ueda’s enormous guard dogs (nothing serious, just a little sleeping draught in their water bowls). The human guards were easier still, some of them were drunk, some of them were napping, and some were drunk and napping. Taguchi silently made his way across the garden under the cover of trees and conveniently placed hedges, and slipped into the house through the open window.
Once he was inside, he headed toward the north wing. He roamed the halls in silence until he came across a suspiciously gold plated door guarded by two armoured guards. Taguchi quickly hid behind a corner.
Ravaging through his bag of resources, he pulled out a lacy undergarment and threw it in the middle of the hallway. There was immediate movement.
“Hey look!” a man’s voice cried. “Is that what I think it is?”
“I don’t know? Depends on what you think it is,” came another, more bored voice.
Taguchi hid in the shadows and waited for the guard to move down the hall.
“Hey! I think it’s a woman’s undergarment!”
“You think? What? Have you never seen one before?”
There was a pause. “Shut up.”
“Whatever,” the guard remaining at the door said. “I’m not interested anyway.”
The other guard picked up the garment and inhaled it. Taguchi winced. He didn’t know what Yamashita thought Taguchi had in mind when he had asked to borrow the clothing, but it was probably not this. Oh well, what Yamashita didn’t know wouldn’t harm him.
Taguchi threw a couple more pieces of lingerie to lead the guard far enough away so that when he finally whacked him over the head with a log of wood (picked up from the garden on the way to the house, Taguchi was resourceful like that), the remaining guard at the door would not hear the body fall onto the floor.
Taguchi considered how to get rid of the final guard when he remembered what the man had previously said, I’m not interested anyway. Taguchi stared down at his own pants before sighing and removing them. A moment later his own underpants landed in the middle of the hall.
Once the two guards were gagged and tied up (and once Taguchi had his pants on again), he approached the golden door. It only took him a moment to realise that the lock was far too advanced for even him to pick. Luckily he also noticed that the door was not plated with gold; it was made out of solid gold. He ignored the lock and set to work on the hinges of the door (also gold) with his tools, all the while thinking, who in their right mind would have a solid gold door? The gold hinges gave way easier than metal ones and in no time, Taguchi was inside.
The room wasn’t particularly big or impressive. Yes, it did hold various articles of jewellery and precious gems, but it also contained strange things like odd scribbles framed and hung on the walls, signed by a ‘K2.’
At the end of the room, however, Taguchi did find a treasure. The treasure came in the form of a pear shaped ruby; identical to the one that had been adorning the King’s crown.
A pair of pears, Taguchi thought with glee. What a marvellous turn of events. He hadn’t planned to take anything from the room, but then he imagined how hot and bothered-emphasis on the hot-the King would be and pocketed the ruby.
Taguchi had made it to the gate of the estate when he noticed that there was no commotion coming from the house. He promptly turned around and made his way back to the north wing to drag the unconscious bodies of the guards towards the main house for easy discovery. When there were still no signs of movement in the house, he gave up on being relatively subtle and stomped his way down to the servant’s quarters, making sure to crash a couple of chairs along the way. Finally, movement could be heard from behind the doors.
It was all going a bit slow for Taguchi’s liking, so he passed time in the empty kitchen. By the time he heard the Baron’s voice he was half way through the leftovers of a cold roast chicken. He reluctantly lowered the drumstick and followed the commotion.
“You!” Ueda cried as he spotted Taguchi. “Mask maker, who do you take me for? Did you think you could rob one of the most powerful men in the kingdom and live to tell the tale?
Taguchi wondered what the Baron would say if he knew that the most powerful man in the kingdom had asked Taguchi to rob him. Test or not, he didn’t think the Baron would be too pleased.
He didn’t get time to wonder any further, however, because Ueda suddenly came at him, fist extended. Taguchi barely managed to dodge the blow, back flipping to put some distance between them. He had forgotten the rumours about how the Baron preferred hand-to-hand combat to swords.
“You will surrender quietly, or I will break every bone in your body and feed them to my dogs.”
Taguchi’s ever present smile faltered; there was a dangerous glint in Ueda’s eyes that suggested he wasn’t bluffing. Taguchi may be a good thief (the best, really) but even he would have trouble getting away from someone as powerful and resourceful as the notorious Baron. He took out the ruby reluctantly and kissed it goodbye.
“My apologies, Baron,” Taguchi cried, now that they were far enough apart for him to have to raise his voice. “I only wanted to see what your infamous treasure room held. And now that I have seen it, I shall take my leave.”
“I have no treasure room,” Ueda snorted. “I have only a room which the King uses as a storage to display his so called works of art away from judging eyes.”
Taguchi laughed, the King was more adorable that he had originally imagined.
Ueda continued, “The King also uses the room to store the jewels he secretly commissions so that he may hide them from his advisor. You have one of them. Leave the ruby behind and surrender.”
Taguchi grinned. “I’ll leave the ruby behind, dear Baron, as a token of my respect for you. I will, however, not be staying around as I rather like my body in one piece.”
He then threw the ruby high into the air.
Ueda watched it soar in a beautiful crimson arch against the moonlight and in the corner of his eye, he saw Taguchi turn away. For the first time in his life, he regretted being empty handed in a fight. With a growl of frustration, he grabbed the sandal off his left foot and launched it with all his strength at the retreating thief. His eyes then turned back towards the sky in time to catch the falling jewel.
Once the jewel was safely in his hand, he looked around desperately for signs of the grinning idiot, but he was nowhere to be found. There was nothing but empty darkness around him, not even a flash of movement could be seen to indicate which direction the bearded thief had gone.
If the King was surprised that Taguchi was able to successfully complete the first task, he certainly hid it well. King Kamenashi glared at the sandal presented to him and then glared harder at Taguchi.
“I heard you broke into the treasure room,” he accused.
“It was never my intention,” Taguchi blatantly lied. “I was making my escape when I saw the magnificent gold doors. I thought perhaps I could blind my pursuers with them.”
The King’s hair was styled with extra volume that day; it rested like a fluffy amber cloud on top of his head, covering a set of stormy dark eyes, which narrowed at him. “Are you making fun of me, thief?”
Taguchi shook his head furiously and tried to give the King his most innocent smile.
“It’s just that the door is… fairly difficult to miss.”
“Are you doubting my… I mean the Baron’s taste for interior décor?”
At this point, Taguchi was trying to bite his bottom lip to keep himself from laughing out loud.
“Stop smiling,” the King snapped and then looked away. There was a pause during which Taguchi could have sworn the King’s cheeks darkened.
“I hear you didn’t steal anything,” King Kamenashi continued. “What? You didn’t think the objects in the treasure room were prized enough to steal?”
Confusion struck him for a moment before Ueda’s words came back to him, I have only a room which the King uses as a storage to display his so called works of art away from judging eyes, and then he remembered the scribbled drawings which had hung in the room. He smiled, feeling a genuine soft spot for the small, fluffy haired man in front of him.
“I discovered that the room was full of masterpieces and fine jewellery. I was simply concerned that taking such priceless possessions would upset the good Baron.”
That was apparently good enough for the King, for he smiled and puffed out his chest at hearing that someone else apparently appreciated his works of art. Taguchi realised then why the Baron would allow the young King to use his house as a storeroom and it likely wasn’t so simple as to obey the King’s orders. There was something extremely attractive about the King when he got his way.
“I’m curious, though, for never once have I seen the Baron without his beloved sandals adorning his feet-be it winter or in bed-and I wonder how you managed such a feat.”
Taguchi answered through a rare frown, his mind lingering on the possibilities that could have led the King to the Baron’s bed and the intimate knowledge between them, “The Baron is notorious for his quick temper. I had only to spark the fire for I knew he would never give chase. I’ve also heard that the Baron is rather indolent-as you yourself may know, your grace.”
King Kamenashi raised a finely groomed eyebrow at the accusing note Taguchi had accidentally let slip into his voice and he bit his cheek in admonishment. Fortunately, or unfortunately, the King misattributed Taguchi’s displeasure.
“How clever… but you think it unfair that I assigned you to steal from close friends of mine?” Taguchi furrowed his brows, wanting to ask just how close, but the King continued on with ferocious indignation. “You think I attempted to tip the odds in my favour? Well, I’ll have you know, Flash, that I am no such king. I vow on my very crown jewels that I have neither aided nor notified my inner circle of your tasks. They are laying ducks, so to speak.”
Taguchi bowed in apology, keeping a hand at his beard to keep it in place.
“I do not doubt your sense of justice, my King.”
“Good.” The King leaned back, satisfied. The drum of his fingers on the armrest of his throne immediately brought forth a chalice from which he drank, throwing his head back with a giant swallow. Taguchi did the same, eyeing the expanse of pale skin along the King’s long throat.
Promptly, a lanky man with narrow eyes who Taguchi assumed was the King’s manservant from the way he walked easily to the throne without fear of the guards, took away the empty chalice and dabbed the King’s lips with a handkerchief.
“Thank you, Koyama,” the King murmured with a small smile that made envy bloom in Taguchi’s breast; Taguchi insisted to himself that he possessed the finer pair of legs.
“In any case,” the King turned back to Taguchi, “even if I was to set up the tasks in my favour, it only speaks to your reputation if you manage to maneuver your way to success, regardless of any meddling. The Flash-and if you indeed are who you claim to be-would dare not complain about such trivial affairs, I am sure.”
Taguchi smirked almost bitterly at that. He had only one affair to hold objection to.
“No, indeed, your grace. Please pardon my insolence and let me prove to you that I am your one and only.”
A novel plan of attack began to brew.
It was Taguchi’s second time standing in the King’s court but this time he found himself breathing easier, the threat of the gaols no longer hovering behind his back and his face bare, free of his disguising beard.
King Kamenashi peered down at him critically from where he sat in his high, gold-casted throne and somehow managed to give the illusion of filling the entire seat with his lithe form. He sat with his legs crossed, purple dragon hide shimmering at his feet under the daylight, and his head tilted at an imperious angle as he took a full scan of Taguchi.
A prickle of anxiety traced along Taguchi’s nape before melting into a pleasant thrill. King Kamenashi’s gaze, while lengthy and fixed, sparked more with appreciation than recognition.
Taguchi returned the appreciative look with full force; he quite liked what he saw too and if everything went as planned, he’d be seeing more of the King on a daily and rather personal basis.
“Hmmm,” hummed the King as he drank in Taguchi’s gaze, “you have both the likeness of a foreigner and a strange familiarity. Tell me, are you from the Kay Populous Isles? We may have crossed paths in the past.”
Taguchi shook his head and kept his relief to himself. “No, your grace. I believe you may be confusing me for the Duke of the East; as much as we are friends, Changmin and I are worlds apart, your grace. I’ve been raised in this kingdom all my life.”
King Kamenashi considered his words with a small frown. “Yes, but were you born here. It's quite alright; I have a fondness for the exotics. Advisor Nakamaru here, for example, is Dutch. More or less."
This prompted a weary sigh from the tortured soul lingering at the side of the throne, like a nursemaid who had been duped into watching over a demon child with sparse compensation.
“I insist I am not, your grace. Someone has to keep track of your spendings..." Advisor Nakamaru grumbled, trailing off when he realised that the King was unheeding of his advice in favour of peeling Taguchi’s clothes off with his eyes.
Taguchi smiled under his undivided attention. “I assure you I am your humble servant by blood, your grace.”
“And you’re aware of what this position entails? Changing my garments, running my bath…” King Kamenashi traced an aimless path with his finger along the gold armrest of the throne and lowered his voice. “What makes you more fit to serve as my manservant compared to the rest of these worthy candidates?”
A small hand gave an elegant flick towards the long row of contestants lined behind Taguchi’s back, but Taguchi didn’t bother sparing them a glance. He knew his answer and his advantage, which the King seemed eager to let him know.
“Your interest, for one, your grace,” Taguchi said smoothly with a thankful bow before meeting the King’s eyes head on. “I am experienced at swordplay, a master of thrusts who is able to wield the most impressive of lengths. I’m also not too shabby at juggling; I can handle many balls at once. But most importantly… I am very attentive, your grace. I can attend to your each and every need… with all my body and spirit. I am yours, my King.”
Taguchi flung his leg out to the side with a flourish and bowed once more, much lower this time to demonstrate his flexible spine. As he rose and drew his leg back, he saw the King’s eyes tug along with it momentarily before snapping back to his face.
“Very well. You are hereby decreed my manservant,” the King declared with a rasp in his voice. Beside him, Advisor Nakamaru sputtered.
“What?! He has no credentials, or history-Your highness, I beg you to reconsider!” Nakamaru nearly tripped over his robes to follow the King as he rose from the throne. “We don’t even know his name,” Nakamaru hissed and the King held out a hand to stop any further objections and sent Taguchi a commanding look.
Taguchi bowed his head. “Junnosuke, your grace. I would be very pleased if you called me by Junno. I feel it’s more intimate.”
King Kamenashi nodded and then smirked at Nakamaru. “Show Junno to his chambers and then bring him to mine.”
When Advisor Nakamaru was about to launch another complaint, King Kamenashi leaned dangerously forward, lips puckered and intent and Taguchi held his breath with a sudden bitterness filling his mouth.
He released it when Advisor Nakamaru clamped his mouth shut and scrambled away, looking too harassed to speak further. Taguchi watched King Kamenashi disappear into the castle with his head thrown back in a barking laugh-“Works every time”-his cape trailing behind him.
“The King is a man of many weapons,” Taguchi said with a laugh once alone with Advisor Nakamaru. He meant it to be friendly but Nakamaru gave him a sour look as he led him through the maze of corridors.
“What’s even funnier is that, despite living here all your life, I’ve never once seen you before. And yet here you are, walking up the castle’s steps as soon as Koyama falls sick and is unable to carry out his duties…”
Taguchi gave a sympathetic frown. “The stomach flu is a vile illness, I agree. Not deadly but enough to immobilise even an ox, wouldn’t you say?”
Advisor Nakamaru froze just as they arrived in front of giant ornate doors engraved with the royal emblem.
“How did you know it was the stomach flu?” Advisor Nakamaru demanded, his squinty eyes wrought with suspicion that was entirely justified for Taguchi may indeed have slipped something rather indigestible in Koyama’s porridge the prior evening, after bringing the Baron’s sandal to the King. This, however, was a secret Taguchi intended to keep.
“A lucky guess,” he answered with a disarming smile. “Now if you’ll excuse me, my good friend, I believe I am being expected.”
And before Advisor Nakamaru could cause a flurry, Taguchi swiftly pushed open the richly emblazoned doors and entered the King’s quarters.
Taguchi considered his current circumstance as he mopped the floor in the King’s chambers. He was making good time; he had already taken care of the second task the King had assigned to him the night before. He had snuck into the changing area of the bathing rooms while the King and his reluctant Advisor had been taking a bath and quietly took what he needed before disappearing into the shadows of the castle hallways.
The King had looked particularly attractive with his skin flushed and a towel neatly folded on top of his head, not that Taguchi had been looking, much. Now he just had to arrange another meeting with the King to receive his third task.
The second task had been given to him on the night he presented the Baron’s sandal. It seemed that either the Kind enjoyed playing pranks on his inner circle or he trusted them to provide a difficult challenge in order to properly test Taguchi’s skills. The first task to retrieve Baron Ueda’s sandal may have been to gauge Taguchi’s abilities; after all, the Baron was an infamous figure known for his skills in combat, among his many other rumoured talents.
The second task however, seemed to be purely for the King’s own amusement. Either that or King Kamenashi really did take too much interest in how his subjects dressed themselves. A mystery is what the King, or Kazuya (as Taguchi had begun to call him in his mind) was, Taguchi mused fondly. Simply thinking about his encounters with the King as the Flash left a smile on his face. He hummed loudly and mopped the floor in rhythm to the tune. He was interrupted by the door to the chamber opening and then slamming shut.
“Who in their right mind wears red underwear?” King Kamenashi said to the room at large. Taguchi moved out of the way as the King stomped his way to the large four-posted bed. His hair was wet and his body smelt like flowers and soap (not that Taguchi was deliberately sniffing at him or anything); most likely he had just returned from the bathing rooms.
“Um…” Taguchi started, unsure how to answer the question.
“I mean, it’s Nakamaru. Nakamaru and red undergarments make as much sense as Queen Tegoshi and pants,” Kame fumed, kicking his boots off and crossing his legs on the bed.
“It offends my delicate sensibilities,” he concluded.
Taguchi frowned.
“Advisor Nakamaru has red underpants?”
The King snorted in a very un-kingly manner. “Someone is supposed to be taking care of it, but they seem to be taking their sweet time.”
Taguchi was ninety percent sure that someone was the Flash and frowned again. There was no doubt that he had stolen a pair of underpants from the bathing rooms that night and he had already dressed the King enough times since he became his manservant to know that they were not the King’s size.
Could it be that the Advisor had more than one pair of red underpants?
How risqué. It was always the quiet ones that you had to watch out for, Taguchi thought and then had to suppress a giggle.
“What are you doing? I don’t pay you to stand around and look pretty,” King Kamenashi’s voice snapped from the bed. “You’re supposed to be doing something while looking pretty. Else I may as well hire a portrait.”
He turned around to find the King resting against a pile of silk pillows, one finely plucked eyebrow raised in an elegant arch. The King may be pleasing to look at, but he was still a prat the majority of the time. Taguchi returned to mopping the floor energetically.
Once the floor was sparkly clean, Taguchi proceeded to tidying up the room. By then the King was eating grapes on the bed and Taguchi watched as he popped one into his open mouth with a roll of his tongue. A small moan filled the room and to Taguchi’s horror, he realised he couldn’t tell whether the sound had come from him or the King. King Kamenashi, however, didn’t appear affected at all as he licked the juice from his stubby fingers and watched Taguchi from beneath fine lashes and a curtain of soft hair.
Taguchi swallowed heavily and turned away.
He folded the clothes lying around, placed the sixteen separate pieces of accessories the King had been wearing that day in their respective boxes, and then went to retrieve the boots that had been kicked off when the King had entered the room.
He was just reaching for one of the boots on the floor when he heard a sharp intake of breath from the bed. Taguchi blinked and looked behind him. The King swallowed slowly and stared at him with wide eyes. On close inspection, Taguchi realised that the King wasn’t just staring at him, he was staring at…
Taguchi wiggled his butt and a single grape dropped from the King’s fingers and rolled off the bed sheet.
The King coughed.
“Well, go on then,” he said, but his voice was a little too rough and his eyes a little too dark.
Instead of crouching down to pick up the boots, Taguchi bent over, showing off his long legs and at the same time, demonstrating just how flexible he was. When he finished putting the boots away, he found the King wearing significantly less than he had been a few moments ago.
King Kamenashi made a vague gesture with his hands to indicate the room and it was then that Taguchi saw the various articles of clothing, which the King had just been wearing, scattered around the room.
“Well?” the King said, seemingly more interested in examining his nails than the state of his chambers. “Pick them up before they wrinkle.”
By the time Taguchi was finished, his back twinged with a painful ache that came from too much bending. His reward was the deep, appreciative flush that had by then spread all along the King’s torso.
As predicted, his position as the King’s personal manservant meant that no one questioned his presence around the castle. The King was an eccentric man, so if Taguchi was loitering around the hallways seemingly doing nothing, he could simple say that he was on an errand and no one (not even the guards) would ask him to explain. They probably didn’t want to know.
He slipped into Advisor Nakamaru’s chambers when he knew that the Advisor and the King were meeting in the throne room to discuss important political matters or, more likely, what tapestry designs should be hung when Queen Tegoshi visited in the upcoming month. From what he could gather from the castle gossip, wars had started over less.
The lock was child’s play for a thief as skilled as Taguchi. He gently shut the door behind him and took a look around the room. Everything was tidy, without being too neat. It was so … normal that Taguchi didn’t bother snooping around. He headed straight for the drawers and found the offending undergarments in the first set of drawers he searched. It was all rather predictable.
To his amused sense of horror, there were piles of monotonous red underpants and Taguchi reluctantly tucked them under his jacket before leaving the room just as he had come.
He felt a little guilty when Advisor Nakamaru appeared even more on edge and paranoid than was usual for a man of such strict tendencies. Taguchi supposed that was the expected reaction when one discovered that some unknown person had broken into one’s room and taken nothing but their underpants.
However, later that week when the King complained about the Advisor’s underpants yet again, Taguchi knew that he needed assistance. He wrote to Yamashita that afternoon.
A response was received that night when Taguchi was grabbed by a shy looking stable boy who shoved a piece of paper at him. Taguchi decided to take pity on the poor boy and didn’t ask how he knew someone like Yamashita.
My tailor says that red is for luck, the note read.
Taguchi pondered over the problem while lying down on his creaky bed in the servant’s quarters. It seemed like Yamashita had found the tailor who made Nakamaru’s underpants. Nakamaru had likely ordered more from the tailor after Taguchi had broken into his room; that would explain why the King’s complaints continued. The fact that the Advisor was superstitious made things difficult. He wore red underpants for a reason and now what Taguchi needed was a reason to make him stop wearing them.
Opportunity came a few days later when he was called upon to assist with refreshments during the meeting of the King’s small council. He overheard the King asking Advisor Nakamaru to meet him in his chambers after the meeting to finish their discussion on whether or not to switch the tapestries in the great hall with the ones from the west tower.
Taguchi rushed to the King’s chambers and made his preparations. He took a pair of red underpants and hid them in the King’s drawer, placing them in such a way that the ends of the underpants peeked out from the top. Then he ducked into the shadows outside of the room just as Advisor Nakamaru walked past and through the door.
Taguchi knew that the King usually took his time coming back from meetings; he liked to unwind from listening to his advisors talk at him for prolonged periods of time by taking the long route back to his chambers. Taguchi only hoped that it would give Nakamaru enough time to discover what had been left for him to find.
He knew the plan had worked when, shortly after, Nakamaru rushed out of the room, his face flushed to match the red something he held clutched in his hands.
For the next few days, Taguchi tried to keep a straight face every time Nakamaru threw suspicious and accusing looks at the King. The Advisor had even pulled Taguchi aside that one awkward time and stuttered a question about whether the King had shown any special interest in other people’s undergarments. Taguchi had responded with a vague reply about how the King had many special interests that shouldn’t be encouraged, if your lordship knows what I mean.
The King, being blissfully ignorant, made a passing complaint (or ten) about Nakamaru behaving more queer than usual, but other than that, no further complaints about red underpants were forthcoming. Taguchi was pleased to learn that the pitiful Advisor had changed the colour of his undergarments to green-for prosperity-after the King had ordered a large scale commission for new tapestries for all the rooms in the castle.
Part 2
Authors: scorch66 and cease11
Pairing/Group: Junno/Kame (aka KameNo aka Lame2), a healthy dose of KAT-TUN with cameos by NEWS and Yamapi (Johnny's Entertainment)
Rating: T for tease PG-13
Warnings: crack gone semi-serious, fairytale AU, humour of the shameless variety, implications of… adult activities, cross-dressing, undressing, death threats galore, too many implied pairings to keep track of, fandom in-jokes
Notes: Written for 2013 Devil or Angel challenge with the super lovely and talented scorch66 (together we are: Team Banana and Potato Minions!) for the prompt Pear. Originally posted Here. Based loosely on The Master Thief, Brothers Grimm variant. Enjoy!
Summary: Hide your daughters (and sons), Taguchi Junnosuke is the infamous Flash, master thief extraordinaire capable of stealing more than your precious gems, but also your hearts. Meanwhile, in the kingdom where things are oft’ pear-shaped, King Kamenashi is convinced that the Flash is after his crown jewels (the precious gem kind) and plots to put an end to this threat once and for all. Little does the King realise that it is not just his jewels (at least not the precious gems kind) that the Flash is interested in.
A ripe yellow pear rolled across the dirt-streaked road following a path too straight for it to have fallen carelessly from the bracketing trees, and slipped right under the wheels of an oncoming carriage. Within seconds, the carriage toppled over, the train of carriages behind it doing the same. It was a pity that Queen Tegoshi allocated more money for the lacings of his dresses than the sturdiness of his vehicles.
Amidst the chaos of shrieks and outrage, Taguchi stroked his false beard and slinked near a fallen carriage just in time to grab a stray yet promisingly hefty pouch from the road before the dust could clear.
Crouched behind a broken wheel, he peered into the velvet pouch and mumbled with a grin as Tegoshi’s men scrambled to set things in order. “Now, now, no use in crying over spilled diamonds.”
To his left, a man shouted, “Where is it?”
“What?” another replied.
“The peace token for the King of this land. The diamonds. Queen Tegoshi will have our heads if we can’t find them.”
“I can’t find anything in this mess, but where could they have gone-unless…”
Taguchi’s beard twitched with his smirk. He could escape now if he wanted, while the men were distracted, but this was his favourite part.
“Unless…?”
“Surely you’ve heard the tales about the infamous thief that roams this kingdom? The carriages couldn’t possibly have fallen over on their own-and now the missing diamonds, snatched from under our noses. It must have been The Flash.”
“The Flash?” the other man deadpanned before guffawing. “What kind of name is that? Stolen from some kiddy nursery rhyme, is it? I’m shaking in my boots.”
Taguchi pouted.
“Don’t know meself, actually. Some say it came from the way he moves, like a flash of lightning. The ladies say it’s his dazzling smile but I say that’s bollocks. If you ask me, I say the rumours of a drunken night in a tavern carry the most truth. Too much ale and a naked cartwheel, they say.”
Backflip, Taguchi silently corrected as the man shrugged.
“Anywho, the point is that you don’t see him when he strikes. Sometimes he talks though.”
“Talks?”
“Aye, his parting shot, salt rubbed into the wounds of broken pride. See, he wants you to know it was him that stole yer whatever. No one else.”
“Well what does he say, man?”
Taguchi grinned in anticipation. It was thrilling to know that his reputation preceded him even in neighbouring kingdoms.
“Something like iriguchi deguchi… deguchi…” The man rubbed at his chin in thought; scratched at his forehead, stretched, and even dug in his nose before he raised his hands in forfeit. “I can’t remember the rest. I swear it went iriguchi deguchi… someth-”
“TAGUCHI.”
Taguchi clamped a hand to his mouth too late. Swiftly, he pocketed the diamonds and sprang from behind the carriage wheel before the men could surround him.
With a smile that made ladies-and not a few men-swoon, he offered the men an exaggerated bow that remained graceful even with the tip of his beard touching the ground. “Iriguchi deguchi Taguchi at your service. I bid you fine lords wealth, health, and a good day.”
And with that Taguchi promptly turned and made for a sprint-only to trip over a fallen pear that had innocently rolled onto the path.
The stables doubled as the gaols, with the added furnishing of clunky chains that held Taguchi’s wrists and ankles together. This wasn’t the first time he had been caught in the middle of a theft, but his last capture had occurred so long ago that it was often left out in the tales of his legend. It helped that no one knew the real face of The Flash.
Back then, he had chewed through the ropes that constricted him but he doubted he could do the same through the heavy chains. Besides, he was quite fond of his smile and wasn’t at all eager to risk losing his teeth.
“I can’t stay here forever, though, can I?” he asked the cream coloured horse flicking its tail to his right. A whinnied nay was his only response.
There was clattering outside, the sound of hooves hitting cobblestone, and shortly the door of the stable-turned-gaols opened to reveal Sir Koki, the Knight of the King’s Guard. Taguchi and Sir Koki had a bit of a history that, in sum, involved chasing and thwarting and a whole lot of cursing. Some would say that the animosity was so strong, Sir Koki’s fixation and passionate promises of revenge so adamant, that the animosity wasn’t animosity at all. Taguchi himself liked to declare their relationship as one of friends playing a long game of tag. Sir Koki, however, his face dusted with a flustered pink, vowed murder.
It was an empty threat known to the entire kingdom for, while no one questioned Sir Koki’s loyalty and fierce intention to protect the King, his blade had never once touched blood; Sir Koki was known as the guard dog without a bite. Yet, while he could never spill blood without tearing his own heart, his dropkicks were legendary. Taguchi had experienced them first-hand and would happily vouch for the crippling pain they induced.
“Get up, you’ve been summoned to have an audience with the King,” Sir Koki announced with cheery anticipation. “Who knows, you may be hanged.”
Taguchi lurched to his feet, his beard swaying along.
“Hopefully you’ll join me then. It’s more fun hanging out with a dear friend,” Taguchi said brightly and doubled over with a kick to the back. It was a sweet pain.
The King’s court was in the shape of a vast diamond field, adorned with dozens of flags bearing the royal emblem against a backdrop of purple: Where things oft’ go pear-shaped, was emblazoned under a crest of twin pears.
Lords and ladies clustered along the margins, tittering in wonder as The Flash alighted from the carriage and was ushered to wait for the King’s presence in the very center of the court. As he waited, Taguchi wondered where his fate would lead him; the King, unlike his guard, was known for his bite-sharp and stinging, but just-as well as his finely trimmed eyebrows. Many a people had emptied their coin pouches at the most fashionable parlours to achieve the same precise angle, but sadly it was not to be.
The King did not keep him waiting long and soon the heavy doors of the castle were pulled apart to reveal him in all his richly adorned glory. A gold crown perched atop his nest of luscious brown waves and a fat ruby cut in the shape of a pear sat fixed in the very center, catching the sunlight and tauntingly throwing it back in the faces of mere plebeians.
The fact that the King was small-although he no longer the adopted the waif-like appearance of his Princehood-was masked with the way he wielded his body, each movement controlled and executed in a manner that was intended to distract from his short stature and delight gazes. The heavy mauve cape that should have cocooned him fell from his shoulders in a pretty flutter and swish as he descended the stairs, one hip sway at a time.
Taguchi had only ever seen King Kamenashi from afar but he appreciated this front and center view much, much more.
King Kamenashi stopped just a couple feet away, Advisor Nakamaru trailing after him in a state of constant apprehension, and gave Taguchi a slow look over, his gaze lingering somewhere along Taguchi’s legs. When he finally met Taguchi’s eyes, his neck craning back, he frowned and with a crisp snap of his fingers, a stool was brought forth, laid at his feet for him to climb.
Taguchi could only smile.
“Your admirers don’t do you justice, your grace,” Taguchi offered. Only few were immune to flattery but even so, Taguchi made a habit to give praise where it was due.
King Kamenashi’s eyes flickered once more to his legs. “Neither you, yours. I heard you caused quite the ruckus, ambushing Queen Tegoshi’s men and attempting to steal diamonds that were destined for me.”
Taguchi gave a deep bow, his chains clanking as he rose.
“I beg your forgiveness, your grace. I promise you I forfeited your diamonds with little to no objection.”
King Kamenashi quirked one of his fine eyebrows.
“After being found and captured, you’d be a fool not to. But never mind the diamonds; what interests me is your reputation. My men tell me you’re The Flash-but I have my doubts.”
“Doubts, your grace?”
King Kamenashi tossed his head and as if on cue, the court filled with wondrous sighs. The King’s hair streaked golden under the sunlight and fell back with little change; the crown did not budge. Taguchi admitted it was rather impressive.
“Do you take me for a fool? The Flash has underhanded us time and again and yet here you are, claiming yourself as the same man when you were caught tripping over a pear.”
Taguchi laughed sheepishly. “It’s as the saying goes, your grace… Where things oft’ go pear-shaped. Even the toughest men are bound to slip at least once.”
King Kamenashi’s eyes narrowed dangerously… but not unbecomingly, Taguchi noted.
“Why,” the King began silkily, “are you so quick to reveal your identity, I wonder. If you are indeed The Flash then you must know the weight of crimes that befall you as well as their, shall we say, undesirable consequences.”
Taguchi offered another bow. “As your humble servant, your grace, I am unable to lie to my King.”
“No, I don’t think that’s quite it…” the King said slowly and Taguchi looked up in curiosity to see a stubby finger adorned with equally stubby rings pointing at him in accusation. “You’re after my crown jewels.”
There was a hushed silence punctuated by Advisor Nakamaru’s wheezing.
“Y-your highness, I don’t think The Flash is interested i-in-” Advisor Nakamaru stammered as Taguchi thought with a wicked smirk, now there’s a bounty I hadn’t considered.
“You think you can fool me but I know better,” the King continued heedlessly. “Men have died to get at my crown jewels and you’ll soon join their ranks. Guards, seize him.”
Sir Koki rushed to the King’s side and urgently whispered, “Kame-chan, you can’t really kill him…”
“Ahhh, my knight in shining armour,” Taguchi crooned.
“… actually just do whatever you want.”
The guards began to advance and Taguchi, envisioning a life spent wasting away in the gaols, smelling horse dung and swatting away flies for the rest of his days, quickly shouted, “WAIT.”
He fell onto his knees and looked up at King Kamenashi with challenge twinkling in his eyes. “I can prove it. My grace, ask me to fetch anything and I will. I will prove to you my worth and my name.”
King Kamenashi considered him for a teetering moment and at last raised his hand. The guards obeyed and retreated to their positions at once. There was a glint in the King’s eyes that the court knew well for the King never backed away from a challenge, the prospect of another victory too exciting to pass up.
“Alright. Advisor Nakamaru, bring your quill to attention,” here, King Kamenashi paused to turn around and snicker, “and I mean the one outside your robes.”
The court snickered along and even Taguchi couldn’t stop his lips from quivering at Advisor Nakamaru’s reddening face. He quickly tried to school them back into firm determination once the King’s attention returned. Taguchi was thankful for the beard for hiding most of his mouth as it twitched of its own accord, too used to stretching into a smile.
King Kamenashi flicked a lock of his own hair before tilting his chin upward and declaring in a voice that carried, “I, King Kamenashi Kazuya, the fourth successor of the Nashi Kingdom, hereby challenge The Flash to a series of four tasks. If he succeeds and delivers to me each of the four items I assign, I shall grant him both his freedom and the sole ownership of said items.”
The court exploded in applause and once Advisor Nakamaru’s quill had caught up, King Kamenashi aimed a cutting smirk at Taguchi and continued sweetly, “However, if The Flash fails to procure even one of the items, he shall find his home in the gaols where he will repent for his crimes against the kingdom ‘till his last breath.”
Another round of thunderous applause and Taguchi bowed without breaking the connection of their joined gazes, his face returning the flicker of excitement glowing across King Kamenashi’s.
“I submit to the terms of your game, your grace.”
King Kamenashi’s eyebrow arched to an even steeper angle.
“Of course you do. I never gave you a choice.” The King gave another dashing smirk. “Your first task is… to fetch me Advisor Nakamaru’s wig.”
“Oiiiiiiiii,” came the immediate indignant whine followed by a cough and a swift, “I mean. Your grace.”
Taguchi watched King Kamenashi laugh, his small hands coming together in an almost child-like glee, eyes closed to mere slits and his dragon-hide booted feet stomping a jig so alive with mirth that it was a wonder he didn’t topple from his stool.
Quite impressive, Taguchi thought with a warm sensation spreading outward from the core of his chest.
When King Kamenashi sobered at last, he demurely patted his clothes into place and snapped his fingers. A hand-mirror was brought forth and only when he was certain that each tuft of hair and jeweled necklace was lying tastefully in place did he return his attention back onto his guest-turned-rival.
“As I was saying,” the King began at last, a hint of self-consciousness peeping through his veneer, “your first task is…”
“Baron Ueda,” the ladies at the market sighed dreamily, “is the head of the King’s secret assassination army! Tall, dark and handsome,” they paused and eyed each other with knowing smiles, “with a licence to kill.”
“Baron Ueda,” the bartender said as he poured the gin, “is somewhere between the definition of the sum of the earth, and a hero, depending on who you speak to.” He slid the glass across the bar and then leaned close. “Lock up your daughters, because Casanova has nothing on the Baron.”
“Baron Ueda,” the court painter’s second cousin’s wife’s nephew said, “is guarding something for the King. I hear it is a chamber full of the finest jewels. Everyone knows how the King loves to accessorise.”
“Baron Ueda,” the gypsies whispered in low voices, “is a spiritual man. They say he wears sandals all year around, even on the coldest days of the winter. They say he’s one of them, and by them, we mean the fairies.”
Midday on the third day of his quest to learn more about the infamous Baron saw Taguchi in the local tavern, washing a piece of bread down with ale when a busty red head landed heavily on his lap.
“I hear you’re looking for word on the Baron,” she said, shoving her chest in his face. She frowned a little when Taguchi leaned back against his seat, eager to get some distance between them.
“I can get you what you want,” she continued, “for a price.”
“How do you know what I want?” Taguchi asked with a smile.
“Trust me, handsome,” the woman cooed and played with her hair. It was long with loose curls, held up by some sort of lace band, most likely the newest fashion trend from Queen Tegoshi’s neighbouring kingdom.
“Whatever you want, my girls will be able to satisfy you.”
Taguchi hadn’t expected to stay in the Nashi Kingdom long, but circumstances had changed. He would not leave until the King’s tasks were all completed and while he was here, he might has well make as many useful connections as he could. Taguchi was well aware of the value of working women as sources of information; he had worked with many in the same trade before (on a purely professional level of course.)
“Well,” Taguchi grinned widely and stroked his fake beard, “how can I refuse that?”
“I’m Yamashita.”
“Bido.” The alias fell easily from his lips.
They shook hands.
“Are you sure we couldn’t… assist you in some other way too? My girls have varied talents; I’m sure you’ll find one to your liking,” the woman asked suggestively as she stood.
Taguchi laughed. “I’m sure your girls are all splendid. But I’m not really interested, no offence.”
They locked gazes for a moment and then she smirked. Taguchi’s eyes widened when she reached into her blouse and pulled out two small sand bags before tossing them onto the table. The glass of ale shook from the impact, but Taguchi was too busy gaping at the now slightly less busty chest in front of him to notice.
A moment later a long wig landed on top of the sand bags.
“How about now?”
The face without the wig was boyish and youthful, but the smirk spoke of confidence and challenge.
The other patrons in the small tavern were staring now, but the distance between their tables was enough to be out of hearing distance. Taguchi paid them no heed.
“Certainly much more aligned to my… inclinations,” he said, grinning widely, “only I’m the type to fall in love at first sight.”
“I take it you’ve already fallen in love?” Yamashita asked.
“Oh yes,” Taguchi smiled, “with the most proud and important man in all the kingdom.”
“Sounds like you have your hands full,” Yamashita said while adjusting his blouse, sounding not the least bit interested. “Any help you need, let the bartender know, he’ll contact me.”
Taguchi nodded and watched as Yamashita walked towards the door, his dress trailing after him. Just when he reached the door, Taguchi sprang out of his seat.
“Actually, there is something you can help me with.”
It turned out Baron Ueda was guarding something. According to Yamashita, some of his employees had clients who had visited Ueda’s rather expansive estate and they spoke about the north wing being out of bounds and very mysterious.
Taguchi adjusted his blond wig and heavy coat as he walked towards the iron gates in long strides. It was a pleasant surprise to find that Yamashita had an impressive collection of fine clothing. Yamashita had explained that sometimes, some of his workers were asked to escort their clients to various parties as their companions. At Taguchi’s impressed look, Yamashita had grinned. “I run a very exclusive escort service. None of that common whoring shit. I’m sure you’ll find that my information is invaluable.”
After being released from the gaol, Taguchi had nothing but the clothes on his back and his trusty beard. His supplies were outside of the city and he was sure the King would have the city gates guarded quite heavily for the duration of their competition.
He was asked to wait to be received and was led into a wide, simply decorated room with elegant wood framed sofas and seats. The maids busied themselves around the room and one of them, a young girl with bright eyes, stared at him in awe. Taguchi gave her his widest smile, but instead of inciting a blush, she turned away, looking disappointed. Taguchi pouted, he had thought that his smile was his best asset.
It was a good hour later before the doors opened again and the butler announced that the Baron had returned.
Baron Ueda was smaller than Taguchi had expected. He had short dark hair and was dressed in cream breeches and sandals. A sheer veil of sweat covered his face and neck and he wiped at it with the towel around his shoulders. While Taguchi appreciated the view, in the background, the maids swooned.
“I exercise every morning,” Ueda said by way of greeting. “Who are you?”
“I am a humble mask maker,” Taguchi said and bowed low. “I believe your lordship has been looking for a mask?”
“News certainly travels fast,” Ueda remarked and seated himself in one of the armchairs.
Taguchi took the opportunity to open his case and line several delicate looking wooden boxes on the table in front of the Baron.
“Your lordship?”
Ueda gestured for him to continue.
Taguchi opened the boxes and displayed each mask carefully. Yamashita had really outdone himself. Each piece was elegant and simple, exactly the way a gentleman’s mask should be.
Ueda looked mildly impressed. “I suppose I should pick one. The King insists on having a masquerade. Advisor Nakamaru must be losing his touch if he’s allowing the King to throw balls willy-nilly again.”
Taguchi had only met the King once and while at the time his hands had been tied and he was kneeling in a rather awkward position, the King had nevertheless left quite an impression on him. King Kamenashi didn’t seem like someone who would take ‘no’ for an answer when he wanted to do something. Suddenly, Taguchi felt rather bad for the unfortunate advisor.
Ueda examined each mask carefully before falling back onto the sofa, his feet resting on the armrest. He didn’t even take off his sandals; Taguchi frowned slightly at the inconvenience.
“Come back tomorrow,” Ueda said, “I have yet to decide which wig I will be wearing on the night and the mask and wig must be a match.”
Taguchi nearly chuckled at the thought of the Baron in a wig, but then he remembered that he was currently wearing a rather loud blond wig so he didn’t really have a right to judge. As he was led out of the mansion, he took note of all the doors and hallways he passed. While the butler was shuffling ahead, Taguchi carefully unlocked one of the windows.
Sneaking into the estate at night was made much easier once Taguchi drugged Ueda’s enormous guard dogs (nothing serious, just a little sleeping draught in their water bowls). The human guards were easier still, some of them were drunk, some of them were napping, and some were drunk and napping. Taguchi silently made his way across the garden under the cover of trees and conveniently placed hedges, and slipped into the house through the open window.
Once he was inside, he headed toward the north wing. He roamed the halls in silence until he came across a suspiciously gold plated door guarded by two armoured guards. Taguchi quickly hid behind a corner.
Ravaging through his bag of resources, he pulled out a lacy undergarment and threw it in the middle of the hallway. There was immediate movement.
“Hey look!” a man’s voice cried. “Is that what I think it is?”
“I don’t know? Depends on what you think it is,” came another, more bored voice.
Taguchi hid in the shadows and waited for the guard to move down the hall.
“Hey! I think it’s a woman’s undergarment!”
“You think? What? Have you never seen one before?”
There was a pause. “Shut up.”
“Whatever,” the guard remaining at the door said. “I’m not interested anyway.”
The other guard picked up the garment and inhaled it. Taguchi winced. He didn’t know what Yamashita thought Taguchi had in mind when he had asked to borrow the clothing, but it was probably not this. Oh well, what Yamashita didn’t know wouldn’t harm him.
Taguchi threw a couple more pieces of lingerie to lead the guard far enough away so that when he finally whacked him over the head with a log of wood (picked up from the garden on the way to the house, Taguchi was resourceful like that), the remaining guard at the door would not hear the body fall onto the floor.
Taguchi considered how to get rid of the final guard when he remembered what the man had previously said, I’m not interested anyway. Taguchi stared down at his own pants before sighing and removing them. A moment later his own underpants landed in the middle of the hall.
Once the two guards were gagged and tied up (and once Taguchi had his pants on again), he approached the golden door. It only took him a moment to realise that the lock was far too advanced for even him to pick. Luckily he also noticed that the door was not plated with gold; it was made out of solid gold. He ignored the lock and set to work on the hinges of the door (also gold) with his tools, all the while thinking, who in their right mind would have a solid gold door? The gold hinges gave way easier than metal ones and in no time, Taguchi was inside.
The room wasn’t particularly big or impressive. Yes, it did hold various articles of jewellery and precious gems, but it also contained strange things like odd scribbles framed and hung on the walls, signed by a ‘K2.’
At the end of the room, however, Taguchi did find a treasure. The treasure came in the form of a pear shaped ruby; identical to the one that had been adorning the King’s crown.
A pair of pears, Taguchi thought with glee. What a marvellous turn of events. He hadn’t planned to take anything from the room, but then he imagined how hot and bothered-emphasis on the hot-the King would be and pocketed the ruby.
Taguchi had made it to the gate of the estate when he noticed that there was no commotion coming from the house. He promptly turned around and made his way back to the north wing to drag the unconscious bodies of the guards towards the main house for easy discovery. When there were still no signs of movement in the house, he gave up on being relatively subtle and stomped his way down to the servant’s quarters, making sure to crash a couple of chairs along the way. Finally, movement could be heard from behind the doors.
It was all going a bit slow for Taguchi’s liking, so he passed time in the empty kitchen. By the time he heard the Baron’s voice he was half way through the leftovers of a cold roast chicken. He reluctantly lowered the drumstick and followed the commotion.
“You!” Ueda cried as he spotted Taguchi. “Mask maker, who do you take me for? Did you think you could rob one of the most powerful men in the kingdom and live to tell the tale?
Taguchi wondered what the Baron would say if he knew that the most powerful man in the kingdom had asked Taguchi to rob him. Test or not, he didn’t think the Baron would be too pleased.
He didn’t get time to wonder any further, however, because Ueda suddenly came at him, fist extended. Taguchi barely managed to dodge the blow, back flipping to put some distance between them. He had forgotten the rumours about how the Baron preferred hand-to-hand combat to swords.
“You will surrender quietly, or I will break every bone in your body and feed them to my dogs.”
Taguchi’s ever present smile faltered; there was a dangerous glint in Ueda’s eyes that suggested he wasn’t bluffing. Taguchi may be a good thief (the best, really) but even he would have trouble getting away from someone as powerful and resourceful as the notorious Baron. He took out the ruby reluctantly and kissed it goodbye.
“My apologies, Baron,” Taguchi cried, now that they were far enough apart for him to have to raise his voice. “I only wanted to see what your infamous treasure room held. And now that I have seen it, I shall take my leave.”
“I have no treasure room,” Ueda snorted. “I have only a room which the King uses as a storage to display his so called works of art away from judging eyes.”
Taguchi laughed, the King was more adorable that he had originally imagined.
Ueda continued, “The King also uses the room to store the jewels he secretly commissions so that he may hide them from his advisor. You have one of them. Leave the ruby behind and surrender.”
Taguchi grinned. “I’ll leave the ruby behind, dear Baron, as a token of my respect for you. I will, however, not be staying around as I rather like my body in one piece.”
He then threw the ruby high into the air.
Ueda watched it soar in a beautiful crimson arch against the moonlight and in the corner of his eye, he saw Taguchi turn away. For the first time in his life, he regretted being empty handed in a fight. With a growl of frustration, he grabbed the sandal off his left foot and launched it with all his strength at the retreating thief. His eyes then turned back towards the sky in time to catch the falling jewel.
Once the jewel was safely in his hand, he looked around desperately for signs of the grinning idiot, but he was nowhere to be found. There was nothing but empty darkness around him, not even a flash of movement could be seen to indicate which direction the bearded thief had gone.
If the King was surprised that Taguchi was able to successfully complete the first task, he certainly hid it well. King Kamenashi glared at the sandal presented to him and then glared harder at Taguchi.
“I heard you broke into the treasure room,” he accused.
“It was never my intention,” Taguchi blatantly lied. “I was making my escape when I saw the magnificent gold doors. I thought perhaps I could blind my pursuers with them.”
The King’s hair was styled with extra volume that day; it rested like a fluffy amber cloud on top of his head, covering a set of stormy dark eyes, which narrowed at him. “Are you making fun of me, thief?”
Taguchi shook his head furiously and tried to give the King his most innocent smile.
“It’s just that the door is… fairly difficult to miss.”
“Are you doubting my… I mean the Baron’s taste for interior décor?”
At this point, Taguchi was trying to bite his bottom lip to keep himself from laughing out loud.
“Stop smiling,” the King snapped and then looked away. There was a pause during which Taguchi could have sworn the King’s cheeks darkened.
“I hear you didn’t steal anything,” King Kamenashi continued. “What? You didn’t think the objects in the treasure room were prized enough to steal?”
Confusion struck him for a moment before Ueda’s words came back to him, I have only a room which the King uses as a storage to display his so called works of art away from judging eyes, and then he remembered the scribbled drawings which had hung in the room. He smiled, feeling a genuine soft spot for the small, fluffy haired man in front of him.
“I discovered that the room was full of masterpieces and fine jewellery. I was simply concerned that taking such priceless possessions would upset the good Baron.”
That was apparently good enough for the King, for he smiled and puffed out his chest at hearing that someone else apparently appreciated his works of art. Taguchi realised then why the Baron would allow the young King to use his house as a storeroom and it likely wasn’t so simple as to obey the King’s orders. There was something extremely attractive about the King when he got his way.
“I’m curious, though, for never once have I seen the Baron without his beloved sandals adorning his feet-be it winter or in bed-and I wonder how you managed such a feat.”
Taguchi answered through a rare frown, his mind lingering on the possibilities that could have led the King to the Baron’s bed and the intimate knowledge between them, “The Baron is notorious for his quick temper. I had only to spark the fire for I knew he would never give chase. I’ve also heard that the Baron is rather indolent-as you yourself may know, your grace.”
King Kamenashi raised a finely groomed eyebrow at the accusing note Taguchi had accidentally let slip into his voice and he bit his cheek in admonishment. Fortunately, or unfortunately, the King misattributed Taguchi’s displeasure.
“How clever… but you think it unfair that I assigned you to steal from close friends of mine?” Taguchi furrowed his brows, wanting to ask just how close, but the King continued on with ferocious indignation. “You think I attempted to tip the odds in my favour? Well, I’ll have you know, Flash, that I am no such king. I vow on my very crown jewels that I have neither aided nor notified my inner circle of your tasks. They are laying ducks, so to speak.”
Taguchi bowed in apology, keeping a hand at his beard to keep it in place.
“I do not doubt your sense of justice, my King.”
“Good.” The King leaned back, satisfied. The drum of his fingers on the armrest of his throne immediately brought forth a chalice from which he drank, throwing his head back with a giant swallow. Taguchi did the same, eyeing the expanse of pale skin along the King’s long throat.
Promptly, a lanky man with narrow eyes who Taguchi assumed was the King’s manservant from the way he walked easily to the throne without fear of the guards, took away the empty chalice and dabbed the King’s lips with a handkerchief.
“Thank you, Koyama,” the King murmured with a small smile that made envy bloom in Taguchi’s breast; Taguchi insisted to himself that he possessed the finer pair of legs.
“In any case,” the King turned back to Taguchi, “even if I was to set up the tasks in my favour, it only speaks to your reputation if you manage to maneuver your way to success, regardless of any meddling. The Flash-and if you indeed are who you claim to be-would dare not complain about such trivial affairs, I am sure.”
Taguchi smirked almost bitterly at that. He had only one affair to hold objection to.
“No, indeed, your grace. Please pardon my insolence and let me prove to you that I am your one and only.”
A novel plan of attack began to brew.
It was Taguchi’s second time standing in the King’s court but this time he found himself breathing easier, the threat of the gaols no longer hovering behind his back and his face bare, free of his disguising beard.
King Kamenashi peered down at him critically from where he sat in his high, gold-casted throne and somehow managed to give the illusion of filling the entire seat with his lithe form. He sat with his legs crossed, purple dragon hide shimmering at his feet under the daylight, and his head tilted at an imperious angle as he took a full scan of Taguchi.
A prickle of anxiety traced along Taguchi’s nape before melting into a pleasant thrill. King Kamenashi’s gaze, while lengthy and fixed, sparked more with appreciation than recognition.
Taguchi returned the appreciative look with full force; he quite liked what he saw too and if everything went as planned, he’d be seeing more of the King on a daily and rather personal basis.
“Hmmm,” hummed the King as he drank in Taguchi’s gaze, “you have both the likeness of a foreigner and a strange familiarity. Tell me, are you from the Kay Populous Isles? We may have crossed paths in the past.”
Taguchi shook his head and kept his relief to himself. “No, your grace. I believe you may be confusing me for the Duke of the East; as much as we are friends, Changmin and I are worlds apart, your grace. I’ve been raised in this kingdom all my life.”
King Kamenashi considered his words with a small frown. “Yes, but were you born here. It's quite alright; I have a fondness for the exotics. Advisor Nakamaru here, for example, is Dutch. More or less."
This prompted a weary sigh from the tortured soul lingering at the side of the throne, like a nursemaid who had been duped into watching over a demon child with sparse compensation.
“I insist I am not, your grace. Someone has to keep track of your spendings..." Advisor Nakamaru grumbled, trailing off when he realised that the King was unheeding of his advice in favour of peeling Taguchi’s clothes off with his eyes.
Taguchi smiled under his undivided attention. “I assure you I am your humble servant by blood, your grace.”
“And you’re aware of what this position entails? Changing my garments, running my bath…” King Kamenashi traced an aimless path with his finger along the gold armrest of the throne and lowered his voice. “What makes you more fit to serve as my manservant compared to the rest of these worthy candidates?”
A small hand gave an elegant flick towards the long row of contestants lined behind Taguchi’s back, but Taguchi didn’t bother sparing them a glance. He knew his answer and his advantage, which the King seemed eager to let him know.
“Your interest, for one, your grace,” Taguchi said smoothly with a thankful bow before meeting the King’s eyes head on. “I am experienced at swordplay, a master of thrusts who is able to wield the most impressive of lengths. I’m also not too shabby at juggling; I can handle many balls at once. But most importantly… I am very attentive, your grace. I can attend to your each and every need… with all my body and spirit. I am yours, my King.”
Taguchi flung his leg out to the side with a flourish and bowed once more, much lower this time to demonstrate his flexible spine. As he rose and drew his leg back, he saw the King’s eyes tug along with it momentarily before snapping back to his face.
“Very well. You are hereby decreed my manservant,” the King declared with a rasp in his voice. Beside him, Advisor Nakamaru sputtered.
“What?! He has no credentials, or history-Your highness, I beg you to reconsider!” Nakamaru nearly tripped over his robes to follow the King as he rose from the throne. “We don’t even know his name,” Nakamaru hissed and the King held out a hand to stop any further objections and sent Taguchi a commanding look.
Taguchi bowed his head. “Junnosuke, your grace. I would be very pleased if you called me by Junno. I feel it’s more intimate.”
King Kamenashi nodded and then smirked at Nakamaru. “Show Junno to his chambers and then bring him to mine.”
When Advisor Nakamaru was about to launch another complaint, King Kamenashi leaned dangerously forward, lips puckered and intent and Taguchi held his breath with a sudden bitterness filling his mouth.
He released it when Advisor Nakamaru clamped his mouth shut and scrambled away, looking too harassed to speak further. Taguchi watched King Kamenashi disappear into the castle with his head thrown back in a barking laugh-“Works every time”-his cape trailing behind him.
“The King is a man of many weapons,” Taguchi said with a laugh once alone with Advisor Nakamaru. He meant it to be friendly but Nakamaru gave him a sour look as he led him through the maze of corridors.
“What’s even funnier is that, despite living here all your life, I’ve never once seen you before. And yet here you are, walking up the castle’s steps as soon as Koyama falls sick and is unable to carry out his duties…”
Taguchi gave a sympathetic frown. “The stomach flu is a vile illness, I agree. Not deadly but enough to immobilise even an ox, wouldn’t you say?”
Advisor Nakamaru froze just as they arrived in front of giant ornate doors engraved with the royal emblem.
“How did you know it was the stomach flu?” Advisor Nakamaru demanded, his squinty eyes wrought with suspicion that was entirely justified for Taguchi may indeed have slipped something rather indigestible in Koyama’s porridge the prior evening, after bringing the Baron’s sandal to the King. This, however, was a secret Taguchi intended to keep.
“A lucky guess,” he answered with a disarming smile. “Now if you’ll excuse me, my good friend, I believe I am being expected.”
And before Advisor Nakamaru could cause a flurry, Taguchi swiftly pushed open the richly emblazoned doors and entered the King’s quarters.
Taguchi considered his current circumstance as he mopped the floor in the King’s chambers. He was making good time; he had already taken care of the second task the King had assigned to him the night before. He had snuck into the changing area of the bathing rooms while the King and his reluctant Advisor had been taking a bath and quietly took what he needed before disappearing into the shadows of the castle hallways.
The King had looked particularly attractive with his skin flushed and a towel neatly folded on top of his head, not that Taguchi had been looking, much. Now he just had to arrange another meeting with the King to receive his third task.
The second task had been given to him on the night he presented the Baron’s sandal. It seemed that either the Kind enjoyed playing pranks on his inner circle or he trusted them to provide a difficult challenge in order to properly test Taguchi’s skills. The first task to retrieve Baron Ueda’s sandal may have been to gauge Taguchi’s abilities; after all, the Baron was an infamous figure known for his skills in combat, among his many other rumoured talents.
The second task however, seemed to be purely for the King’s own amusement. Either that or King Kamenashi really did take too much interest in how his subjects dressed themselves. A mystery is what the King, or Kazuya (as Taguchi had begun to call him in his mind) was, Taguchi mused fondly. Simply thinking about his encounters with the King as the Flash left a smile on his face. He hummed loudly and mopped the floor in rhythm to the tune. He was interrupted by the door to the chamber opening and then slamming shut.
“Who in their right mind wears red underwear?” King Kamenashi said to the room at large. Taguchi moved out of the way as the King stomped his way to the large four-posted bed. His hair was wet and his body smelt like flowers and soap (not that Taguchi was deliberately sniffing at him or anything); most likely he had just returned from the bathing rooms.
“Um…” Taguchi started, unsure how to answer the question.
“I mean, it’s Nakamaru. Nakamaru and red undergarments make as much sense as Queen Tegoshi and pants,” Kame fumed, kicking his boots off and crossing his legs on the bed.
“It offends my delicate sensibilities,” he concluded.
Taguchi frowned.
“Advisor Nakamaru has red underpants?”
The King snorted in a very un-kingly manner. “Someone is supposed to be taking care of it, but they seem to be taking their sweet time.”
Taguchi was ninety percent sure that someone was the Flash and frowned again. There was no doubt that he had stolen a pair of underpants from the bathing rooms that night and he had already dressed the King enough times since he became his manservant to know that they were not the King’s size.
Could it be that the Advisor had more than one pair of red underpants?
How risqué. It was always the quiet ones that you had to watch out for, Taguchi thought and then had to suppress a giggle.
“What are you doing? I don’t pay you to stand around and look pretty,” King Kamenashi’s voice snapped from the bed. “You’re supposed to be doing something while looking pretty. Else I may as well hire a portrait.”
He turned around to find the King resting against a pile of silk pillows, one finely plucked eyebrow raised in an elegant arch. The King may be pleasing to look at, but he was still a prat the majority of the time. Taguchi returned to mopping the floor energetically.
Once the floor was sparkly clean, Taguchi proceeded to tidying up the room. By then the King was eating grapes on the bed and Taguchi watched as he popped one into his open mouth with a roll of his tongue. A small moan filled the room and to Taguchi’s horror, he realised he couldn’t tell whether the sound had come from him or the King. King Kamenashi, however, didn’t appear affected at all as he licked the juice from his stubby fingers and watched Taguchi from beneath fine lashes and a curtain of soft hair.
Taguchi swallowed heavily and turned away.
He folded the clothes lying around, placed the sixteen separate pieces of accessories the King had been wearing that day in their respective boxes, and then went to retrieve the boots that had been kicked off when the King had entered the room.
He was just reaching for one of the boots on the floor when he heard a sharp intake of breath from the bed. Taguchi blinked and looked behind him. The King swallowed slowly and stared at him with wide eyes. On close inspection, Taguchi realised that the King wasn’t just staring at him, he was staring at…
Taguchi wiggled his butt and a single grape dropped from the King’s fingers and rolled off the bed sheet.
The King coughed.
“Well, go on then,” he said, but his voice was a little too rough and his eyes a little too dark.
Instead of crouching down to pick up the boots, Taguchi bent over, showing off his long legs and at the same time, demonstrating just how flexible he was. When he finished putting the boots away, he found the King wearing significantly less than he had been a few moments ago.
King Kamenashi made a vague gesture with his hands to indicate the room and it was then that Taguchi saw the various articles of clothing, which the King had just been wearing, scattered around the room.
“Well?” the King said, seemingly more interested in examining his nails than the state of his chambers. “Pick them up before they wrinkle.”
By the time Taguchi was finished, his back twinged with a painful ache that came from too much bending. His reward was the deep, appreciative flush that had by then spread all along the King’s torso.
As predicted, his position as the King’s personal manservant meant that no one questioned his presence around the castle. The King was an eccentric man, so if Taguchi was loitering around the hallways seemingly doing nothing, he could simple say that he was on an errand and no one (not even the guards) would ask him to explain. They probably didn’t want to know.
He slipped into Advisor Nakamaru’s chambers when he knew that the Advisor and the King were meeting in the throne room to discuss important political matters or, more likely, what tapestry designs should be hung when Queen Tegoshi visited in the upcoming month. From what he could gather from the castle gossip, wars had started over less.
The lock was child’s play for a thief as skilled as Taguchi. He gently shut the door behind him and took a look around the room. Everything was tidy, without being too neat. It was so … normal that Taguchi didn’t bother snooping around. He headed straight for the drawers and found the offending undergarments in the first set of drawers he searched. It was all rather predictable.
To his amused sense of horror, there were piles of monotonous red underpants and Taguchi reluctantly tucked them under his jacket before leaving the room just as he had come.
He felt a little guilty when Advisor Nakamaru appeared even more on edge and paranoid than was usual for a man of such strict tendencies. Taguchi supposed that was the expected reaction when one discovered that some unknown person had broken into one’s room and taken nothing but their underpants.
However, later that week when the King complained about the Advisor’s underpants yet again, Taguchi knew that he needed assistance. He wrote to Yamashita that afternoon.
A response was received that night when Taguchi was grabbed by a shy looking stable boy who shoved a piece of paper at him. Taguchi decided to take pity on the poor boy and didn’t ask how he knew someone like Yamashita.
My tailor says that red is for luck, the note read.
Taguchi pondered over the problem while lying down on his creaky bed in the servant’s quarters. It seemed like Yamashita had found the tailor who made Nakamaru’s underpants. Nakamaru had likely ordered more from the tailor after Taguchi had broken into his room; that would explain why the King’s complaints continued. The fact that the Advisor was superstitious made things difficult. He wore red underpants for a reason and now what Taguchi needed was a reason to make him stop wearing them.
Opportunity came a few days later when he was called upon to assist with refreshments during the meeting of the King’s small council. He overheard the King asking Advisor Nakamaru to meet him in his chambers after the meeting to finish their discussion on whether or not to switch the tapestries in the great hall with the ones from the west tower.
Taguchi rushed to the King’s chambers and made his preparations. He took a pair of red underpants and hid them in the King’s drawer, placing them in such a way that the ends of the underpants peeked out from the top. Then he ducked into the shadows outside of the room just as Advisor Nakamaru walked past and through the door.
Taguchi knew that the King usually took his time coming back from meetings; he liked to unwind from listening to his advisors talk at him for prolonged periods of time by taking the long route back to his chambers. Taguchi only hoped that it would give Nakamaru enough time to discover what had been left for him to find.
He knew the plan had worked when, shortly after, Nakamaru rushed out of the room, his face flushed to match the red something he held clutched in his hands.
For the next few days, Taguchi tried to keep a straight face every time Nakamaru threw suspicious and accusing looks at the King. The Advisor had even pulled Taguchi aside that one awkward time and stuttered a question about whether the King had shown any special interest in other people’s undergarments. Taguchi had responded with a vague reply about how the King had many special interests that shouldn’t be encouraged, if your lordship knows what I mean.
The King, being blissfully ignorant, made a passing complaint (or ten) about Nakamaru behaving more queer than usual, but other than that, no further complaints about red underpants were forthcoming. Taguchi was pleased to learn that the pitiful Advisor had changed the colour of his undergarments to green-for prosperity-after the King had ordered a large scale commission for new tapestries for all the rooms in the castle.
Part 2