Blue is Concentric Motion (2/2)
It’s not the first time Jongin’s dreamed of drowning.
It’s only to be expected, he supposes, since he spends so much time in the ocean. But no two dreams are ever the same-sometimes his regulator breaks and others he forgets to watch his oxygen levels. Sometimes he dreams that he goes too deep and can’t find his way back to the surface, other times he’s kicking desperately upwards but can’t seem to cut through the endless wall of water between him and fresh air. Sometimes he can feel his blood bubbling poisonously in his veins as he struggles for the surface, ensuring he’s dead even after his head breaks through the waves, gulping in sharp, cold air.
But this is the first time he’s not alone in his dream. In this dream, Jongin is trapped, oxygen supply steady, regulator functioning perfectly, and he can’t figure out why he feels like he’s drowning until he sees Sehun floating next to him.
Sehun’s hair fans out around his face like sea grass, and his eyes are so blue, as blue as the water he’s suspended in. They seem to glint brightly at Jongin, throwing back refracted light, and his skin is the color of seashells-white and pink and smooth. But no bubbles are drifting lazily upwards out of Sehun’s mouth, his bare chest is still, glimmering slightly in the watery light. And Jongin is reaching for him, trying to pull him to surface, where he can scream at him to breathe, to wake up, but his hands go right through Sehun’s body like he’s made of smoke, and Jongin can taste blood in his mouth but he’s not sure where it’s coming from. Sehun is disappearing before his eyes, skin melting away, rippling into thick blue-green water and his hair looks like a patch of light that’s lost its way, bouncing back and forth between every particle of water, searching, searching for a way out.
Jongin’s hands are cold and he suddenly feels incredibly alone, drifting in an expanse of dark water the color of grief. Sehun is gone, swept away by a spattering of sunlight.
It’s white when he wakes up.
There’s something beeping nearby-probably his alarm-and Jongin stretches out an arm to try and shut it off. But his flailing hand meets nothing but empty air and he suddenly feels warm hands against his skin, fitting his arm back into the space by his side. Blearily, he tries to open his eyes and waits patiently for the fuzzy scene to come into focus. When it does, he sees Sehun sitting beside him, eyes dark and angry, and Jongin wonders exactly what happened and exactly where he is.
“Sehun?” he tries and he sees Sehun jerk at the sound, rising from his spot beside Jongin to stand over him, pushing his bangs out of his eyes.
“You’re an idiot,” Sehun says, and his voice is thick with an emotion Jongin can’t quite identify. His eyes look just a bit too glassy. “You’re a fucking idiot. You’re just so incredibly stupid I can’t even understand you.”
“What,” Jongin tries, but his voice sounds gravelly, full of water and sand, so he clears his throat before trying again. “What are you talking about?”
“Why did you do it?” Sehun asks, and this time he’s definitely crying and Jongin wants to tell him to stop because Sehun doesn’t cry, not even when they’re watching sad movies. “All this time and I didn’t even know, no one fucking knew, not even Kyungsoo for god’s sake I don’t know what else I could have done-”
“Still no idea what you’re talking about,” Jongin croaks, and when Sehun looks at him, tears tracing thin glistening lines down his cheeks, Jongin thinks he could drown in Sehun’s eyes.
“You fucking idiot,” Sehun says again, and Jongin why he’s repeating himself so much. Aren’t lawyers supposed to be good with words? “Why did you keep diving?”
“What are you talking about?” Jongin says, but the words get caught in his throat because he knows. He never thought anyone would find out, so of course it would be Sehun who did. Sehun, who always wants to know everything about everyone, who had quizzed Jongdae about his life so thoroughly the first time they met that Jongdae shot Jongin a worried look and asked if Jongin was a government asset and Sehun was his new bodyguard.
“I’m talking about how the doctor just waltzed in here and told me that you’re lucky to be alive right now because you had an accident nearly a year ago and they told you that you should never go diving again because it would be too fucking dangerous,” Sehun hisses, his eyes narrowing.
“Oh,” Jongin says, and Sehun slumps back in his chair next to Jongin’s bed. Jongin follows his movements with his eyes, cringing under Sehun’s angry gaze. “That.”
“Yes, that,” Sehun spits. “God, Jongin, do you even understand how it felt to hear them say that? How it felt to be underwater and suddenly see you jerking around like a dying fish, see you go limp and I had no idea what to do but they told me it was lucky you weren’t very deep and they were talking about nitrogen in your blood or something, I don’t even know, but it sounded awful and I could barely get you into the boat and thank goodness driving that thing is a lot like driving a car because otherwise we would have been stuck out there and how could you, you selfish bastard?”
Jongin says nothing, simply staring at Sehun and wondering when this all got so out of control. Sehun’s never cried before in front of Jongin, ever.
“Do you know what Kyungsoo said?” Sehun says roughly. “He said that he didn’t even know you’d had an accident last year. He said you showed up after a weekend looking a little tired but you said that you hadn’t been answering his text messages because you’d had a lot of work to do not because you had fucking been in the hospital getting treated for possible brain injuries caused by prolonged hypoxia.”
“Is that what they said?” Jongin asks vaguely, and Sehun sighs disgustedly, the anger of the gesture slightly offset by the way his hands are shaking.
“Obviously, do you think I could have come up with the word ‘hypoxia’ by myself?” Sehun says coldly, and Jongin isn’t quite sure why he’s so angry. This is Jongin’s problem, a calculated risk he decided to take.
“Why are you crying?” Jongin asks, and Sehun snorts very indelicately, wiping angrily at his eyes.
“Because you’re a fucking moron,” he says. “You’re lucky Kyungsoo’s dancer boyfriend managed to get him out of here because I swear I thought he was going to have a heart attack. He thought you were dead. We all thought you were dead.”
“I used to be in love with him,” Jongin says, a bit dreamily, and he’s not sure why he’s suddenly feeling talkative but the warmth of the room is seeping into his bones, making him feel a bit better with every passing second. His head isn’t even pounding as hard as it was before.
“No, really?” Sehun says sarcastically, and the words are tinged with hurt so palpable Jongin flinches.
“I’m sorry,” he tries, reaching out to place his hand on top of Sehun’s where it’s resting in his lap.
“You’re sorry,” Sehun says, and he laughs so hard he dissolves into a fit of hiccups. When he finally recovers himself, dragging a hand over his eyes again, Jongin wonders at the way they seem so bright. “You’re sorry. And that’s supposed to make it all better. That’s supposed to make up for the fact that you let me think you were dead, you let them tell me that you’ve basically been trying to kill yourself for the past year and we’ve all just been letting you.”
“I wasn’t trying to kill myself,” Jongin says earnestly, wishing Sehun would believe him and stop looking at him like that. “They said I shouldn’t dive anymore but I couldn’t live like that, Sehun. I just couldn’t.”
“So you’d rather that I have to live without you than you give up diving,” Sehun whispers, and Jongin stills, wondering if he’s heard Sehun right.
“I-what?”
“Did you know that I asked my firm for reassignment?” Sehun says conversationally, but his eyes are dark and Jongin’s afraid to look in them for too long. “I told them I didn’t want to go back. I wanted to stay here. With you. I was going to tell you yesterday but you kind of screwed that up. And now I’m wondering if there’s any point in me staying here at all.”
“You…were going to move here? To live?” Jongin asks, and the words sound stupid even to his own ears but he can’t stop himself from asking, needs to repeat them just to make sure this isn’t all some kind of dream. “Why?”
“Because I love you, you idiot,” Sehun says, and his voice is broken and jagged but it sounds to Jongin like the most beautiful thing in the world. “I fucking love you and you just made me think I’d lost you.”
“I used to dream about drowning,” Jongin says, and Sehun flinches, moving his hand out of Jongin’s reach. “For years now, I’ve had nightmares about being trapped, about not being able to breathe. But just now, when I…before I woke up. My nightmare wasn’t about drowning. It was about losing you.”
Sehun is silent so Jongin decides to keep going, squeezing his eyes shut so he doesn’t have to see the emotions flitting across Sehun’s face.
“In my dream, you were just floating there, and I knew you needed my help but when I tried to hold you your body passed right through my arms like you weren’t even there and then I looked again and you really weren’t there and it was the most scared I’ve ever been in my entire life.”
“Jongin,” Sehun says, and Jongin wonders if he’s ever heard Sehun sound so serious. “I’m not going to let you do this to yourself. You were lucky this time, but the likelihood is that if you keep ignoring everyone and doing whatever you want, you won’t be next time. I don’t want there to be a next time.”
“I can’t,” Jongin says, voice breaking. “Sehun, if I don’t have the ocean, I don’t have anything. When I’m diving…it’s like I don’t exist, I’m not Kim Jongin. I’m just a drop of water in a giant ocean and I can’t give up something like that. The ocean is part of who I am. As much as Kyungsoo is or you are. I can’t.”
Sehun says nothing, but suddenly he’s standing. Jongin considers calling him back as he turns and strides towards the door, but he can’t think of anything to say and then Sehun is gone, door swinging shut dully behind him.
“You should say sorry,” Chanyeol says, as he reaches out and tries to grab a bit of Jongin’s lunch.
“What are you even talking about?” Jongin asks in confusion, yanking his sandwich out of Chanyeol’s reach. “What have I done wrong now?”
“Sehun,” Chanyeol says, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world, and suddenly Jongin can’t breathe.
“What-what about him?” he asks, attempting to feign nonchalance. He knows it’s not working when Chanyeol gives him an amused glance. “How do you know I did anything wrong?”
“Well, he used to come pick you up nearly every day after work and he hasn’t been here in two weeks. Plus, he hasn’t eaten lunch here in all that time either, and I kinda miss him. I mean, he was an annoying, self-centered little bitch at times, but I was just starting to get used to him,” Chanyeol muses, and Jongin can’t believe that Chanyeol of all people is giving him this talk. “You better hurry up and apologize because otherwise I’ll start to lose this tolerance I’ve been developing for his stupid.”
“Why do you assume I’m the one who should be doing the apologizing?” Jongin huffs, and Chanyeol gives him another look.
“Let’s be real here,” Chanyeol says. “If Sehun was the one who had done something wrong, I’m about 103% certain he’d already have showed up here sometime in the past two weeks, probably with something incredibly embarrassing like flowers or a poem, and tried to win you back. The kid is crazy about you! Ergo, whatever happened was probably all your fault. Fix it.”
“I hate you,” Jongin says, slumping down in his chair and not even trying to slap at Chanyeol’s hand when he steals another piece of meat from Jongin’s sandwich.
“No, you don’t,” Chanyeol says happily, licking mustard remnants from his fingers. “And wow, if this is what being right feels like, I think I might try to do it more often.”
“Ha, good luck,” Jongin laughs darkly, pulling himself to his feet. “I think I’m going to go tell Wu Fan that you gave insider information to the lawyers representing the environmentalists at our next court case.”
“He wouldn’t believe you!” Chanyeol shouts after him, but Jongin doesn’t miss the way he cranes his neck so he can see out the break room door and ensure Jongin goes straight into his office. Man, Jongin really hates it when Chanyeol is right.
Sehun doesn’t answer his phone when Jongin calls. He also doesn’t answer any of Jongin’s texts or voicemails, and he doesn’t answer his door when Jongin stands outside of it for ten minutes knocking until the skin of his knuckles is red and raw and his voice is hoarse from yelling Sehun’s name. Jongin blames the stupid peephole set into Sehun’s door, and also Sehun’s annoying neighbor who threatens to sic her cat on him if he doesn’t stop shouting.
So, since nothing seems to be working, Jongin decides that he’ll just have to take matters into his own hands and go accost Sehun at work. This is a little tricky to plan, partly because Jongin’s never actually been to his office building before, and also because Sehun doesn’t seem to go into work much so Jongin’s not sure when he’ll even be there. But, given the increasing frequency of Wu Fan’s panic attacks, the hearing for the lawsuit must be coming up so Jongin figures Sehun will have to go into the office at some point.
To be honest, Jongin thinks as he rides the elevator up to Sehun’s firm’s office, he does feel a little bad about never visiting Sehun at work before. Chanyeol was right-Sehun had come by Jongin’s office so many times Minseok started stocking his favorite flavor of espresso by the machine in the break room. His birthday was even written on the office calendar, for reasons Jongin could never quite explain. Maybe it had to do with the way Jongin wasn’t used to anyone wanting to spend quite so much time with him. Before, he’d always had work during the week and the ocean on the weekends, and both those things required him going to them. Sehun is nothing like the ocean. He’s constant and thoughtful and kind and Jongin suddenly realizes he has no idea what he’s going to say when he sees him. If Sehun doesn’t get someone to chase him away before he can say anything, that is.
Jongin had tried to think of the perfect speech. He’d spent the entire evening pacing up and down the beach, watching little kids build sand castles and beached strands of seaweed drift back and forth with every incoming wave, feeling the setting sun warm his skin. And he’d tried to come up with perfect metaphors, perfect ways to tell Sehun how much he meant to him, how Jongin loved the way his hair was the color of coral and his skin was the color of seashells and his eyes were more endless than the horizon. How Jongin loves the ocean but he loves Sehun more, because Sehun kisses him even when the salt in his hair drips into Sehun’s eyes and Sehun didn’t mock him for naming his boat after an artist’s musing on color and Sehun tells him he’s beautiful even when he’s soaking wet and shivering, peeling away layers of neoprene wetsuit like a snake shedding its skin.
“Hello?”
A man with hair almost as blond as Sehun’s and a slightly ridiculous number of piercings for a professional setting greets Jongin warily as he opens the door. Jongin nearly turns on his heel and flees, but then he remembers that Sehun is somewhere in this office, and this is all Jongin’s fault and that means it’s his job to fix it.
“I’m looking for Oh Sehun?” he says a bit squeakily, clearing his throat as he sees the man eyeing him with what looks strangely like excitement in his eyes.
“Are you really?” the man says, wide grin spreading across his face. Jongin is a little confused. Is this how most law firm receptionists are? Is he supposed to answer some sort of existential question to be allowed inside?
“Um…yes?” Jongin says, hating the way it sounds like a question when it was supposed to be a definitive statement.
“So then you must be Jongin,” the man says, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. “The boyfriend.”
“Why are you saying it like that?” Jongin asks, now completely confused. “Why am I the boyfriend?”
“Oh, this is so great,” the man says, more to himself than to Jongin, rubbing his hands together with glee. “I am going to be so, so rich. Luhan is going to regret ever betting me that you didn’t exist. And you’re hot too! Who would have thought.”
“Okay, I’m starting to get a little offended,” Jongin says, wondering if maybe they put this man at the entrance to scare away the unworthy and he should just duck past his desk and try to find Sehun by himself. “And also kind of concerned. Are you going to help me find Sehun or not?”
“Oh! Oh, right, of course!” the man says, slapping a hand to his forehead as if he’d completely forgotten Jongin’s original question. He gets to his feet, revealing long legs clad in dark jeans that are definitely too tight for a professional setting, and walks over to the entranceway next to where Jongin is standing.
“SEHUN!” he yells, and Jongin tries to pretend the sudden sound doesn’t make him jump. Well, if he’d known that’s all there was to it he could have done it himself.
“What, Tao?” he hears Sehun’s voice shouting back, and the sound makes his knees feel a bit more jelly-like than usual. “I swear, if you’ve broken the printer again I am not fixing it!”
“NO, NO, THIS IS BETTER!” Tao yells, and Jongin resists the urge to cover his ears. “YOUR BOYFRIEND IS HERE!”
“What! Are you fucking kidding me?” a new voice says, and Jongin sees a fluffy brown-haired head pop up from a nearby cubicle. The man cranes his neck sideways, trying to get a good glimpse of Jongin standing awkwardly behind Tao, and sighs disgustedly.
“HA HA HA YOU LOSE,” Tao shouts, even though the man-Jongin’s going to take a stab in the dark and assume he’s Luhan-isn’t sitting all that far away. But it’s then that Jongin sees Sehun, and every annoyed thought is immediately driven out of his head.
Though Jongin knows that he’s here to apologize, and that he really shouldn’t be letting himself get so distracted, the only thing he can think is that Sehun looks good. He’s wearing his usual suit and tie, but his hair is slicked back and in the small, cramped office he shines brighter than the moon rising over the ocean. Jongin almost wants to cover his eyes. Tao stands aside, motioning Jongin forward, and Jongin takes a few hesitant steps, almost expecting Sehun to shimmer away before his eyes like an elusive fish darting out of sight beneath a rock.
But Sehun doesn’t disappear, instead he simply stands there staring at Jongin, an unfathomable look in his eyes, and Jongin’s suddenly not sure what he’s doing here. Maybe Sehun doesn’t even want to see him.
“Well, this is awkward,” Tao observes, and Sehun jumps at the sound, as if snapped out of whatever reverie he was in. He strides forward, closing his fingers around Jongin’s wrist, and starts dragging him further into the office, away from Tao’s snickers and Luhan’s annoyed groans.
Jongin lets Sehun drag him into an empty conference room and slam the door shut, but as soon as they’re alone he starts babbling, trying to say everything at once, because it suddenly hits him how much he’s missed Sehun and how much he never wants to lose him again.
“Look, Sehun, I’m so, so sorry and I would completely understand if you never wanted to see me or talk to me again but I got rid of all of it, okay?” Jongin says, stumbling over every word in his haste. “I sold everything-my fins, my dive weights, my wetsuits-I sold it all to Junmyeon because he was thinking of expanding his rental operation anyway and it’s not worth it, nothing is worth it if you’re not…I love you. I love you so much and you’re worth more than anything to me and if you want me to do anything else, if you want me to sell the boat I’ll do it because I love you-”
“Jongin,” Sehun says quietly and Jongin breaks off, breathless. “You did all that…for me?”
“Of course I did,” Jongin says with a faint smile. “Haven’t you been listening to me? I love you.”
“I think I can live with that,” Sehun says, and then he’s throwing his arms around Jongin’s neck and pulling him in for a kiss.
And Sehun is everything like the ocean, beautiful and comforting and wild, and Jongin wonders why he ever thought he could give up one without giving up the other. Jongin places his hands on Sehun’s chest, scrabbling at the buttons of his shirt, but Sehun pushes his fingers away.
“Not right now,” he mutters. “I have to go suck millions of dollars out of your morally bankrupt, unethical company and save some starfish.”
And Jongin thinks that he can live with that.
Sehun doesn’t make him get rid of the boat, and for that Jongin is grateful, because even if he can’t dive anymore he can still snorkel, or even just lean dangerously far over the metal sides, gazing at the fish darting happily below him in the crystalline water.
The boat is also useful for romantic evenings, as Jongin finds out the day Sehun wins his court case against Jongin’s company. Sehun isn’t all that excited, since the fine was reduced to mere thousands of dollars, but Jongin is just happy Sehun isn’t pacing up and down in the living room anymore, muttering to himself about environmental degradation and pollution fines. It was making it hard for Jongin to focus on important things, like making sure their quarterly numbers are strong so Chanyeol can get laid and convincing Junmyeon to sell him back a few of his fins and masks without an exorbitant profit margin because it’s his equipment.
“Come on,” Jongin says, sliding a mask on over his head and handing Sehun one of his own. “Let’s go and take a look.”
“Now?” Sehun asks, looking at the setting sun glowing red on the horizon. “Isn’t sunset when all the sharks are supposed to come out?”
“Hey, I live with a shark, they’re not that bad,” Jongin says sweetly, slipping over the side of the boat as Sehun glowers. Within seconds, there’s an enormous splash and Sehun’s pale body appears in the water next to him, arms flailing as he chokes on seawater flooding into his snorkel. Jongin really needs to remind him to put the snorkel on afterwards. Or just not to jump off the boat like a human cannonball.
With the light shining sideways through the water like this, everything takes on shades of grey and green, brilliants reds and yellows darkening to maroon and gold. It’s silent, with not even the crunch of a fish nibbling on some coral, and Jongin can feel rather than hear Sehun’s breathing. When he looks at him, Jongin can tell even through the mask that Sehun’s eyes are shining.
“You gave all that up for me,” Sehun says later, a hint of wonder in his voice as they sit next to each other on one of the boat’s small benches, Sehun resting his head on Jongin’s shoulder.
“I guess I did,” Jongin says sleepily, smiling as Sehun brushes his sea-damp bangs out of his eyes.
“Although you could have done it just because you didn’t want to die,” Sehun says in amusement, and Jongin shoves him playfully, hard enough that the boat rocks and Sehun shrieks.
“I could have,” Jongin agrees, threading his fingers through Sehun’s. And maybe he’ll have to go into work tomorrow and look at more price reports or something equally boring, but when he gets home Sehun will be waiting for him, with another National Geographic article about ocean acidification and some tea, and Jongin thinks he would have stopped diving the minute they told him to if he had known that one day he’d have something in his life worth holding on to this much. “But I didn’t. It was all your fault.”
“Aww, who’s the sappy boyfriend now?” Sehun asks, shoving Jongin back and this time Jongin really does fall out of the boat, hitting the water with a loud splash. Just before the cold waves close over his head, he can hear Sehun yelling apologies and he smiles.
When he pops back up to the surface, grabbing the sides of the boat and using them to haul himself back inside, he hears a strange click, and when he looks over at Sehun he sees that he’s holding up a large camera, clutching it tightly with both hands to shield it from the water sparkling off Jongin’s clothes.
“The first rule of photography,” Sehun says with a grin, “is to pick a good subject.”
And as Jongin looks out at the ocean and the sun, water sparkling almost as brightly as Sehun’s smile, he thinks that if Sehun is looking for a good subject he’s picked the perfect place.
A/N: So basically, this fic is completely random with only sort-of kind-of plot and I wrote it just because I wanted to include gratuitous descriptions of the ocean don’t judge me. Also, idk why all my characters keep ending up in hospitals or why I decided to unleash my inner environmentalist/Kandinsky afficionado. Sorry? Have a seashell that sounds like EXO instead of the ocean for your troubles!