I Should Always Have My Tea (2/2)
“You look like a wreck,” Baekhyun says worriedly as he adjusts Sehun’s tie, trying to make it look a little less crooked. “Do you just want me to go out there and tell everyone that you were too sick to make it?”
“No, I’m fine,” Sehun insists, but when he reaches up to bat Baekhyun’s hand away he notices that his own hands are trembling.
“If you’re sure…” Baekhyun says, giving Sehun another concerned look. But then someone’s calling his name-probably some other important member of student government-and he’s rushing off.
Sehun is not fine, in fact, he’s about as not-fine as he’s ever felt in his entire life, including that week in high school when he had the flu and was about 80% sure he was dying. He hasn’t spoken to Jongin in over a week, not since Jongin slammed the door in his face. Jongin even seems to be avoiding calculus class, something Sehun can’t really recommend despite how much Jongin’s grade has improved over the past few weeks.
And even though he’s tried as hard as he can not to think about Jongin at all, Sehun’s stupid traitorous unconscious mind refuses to let him have any peace. He finds himself blushing just thinking about the dreams he’s had recently, mostly involving Jongin in extremely compromising positions. All the dance practices they’ve been having haven’t exactly helped either, simply giving his imagination a good idea of what Jongin would look like with sweat dripping from his bangs, gasping with exertion.
But then he can hear Baekhyun’s voice booming out over the audience, welcoming them to the showcase, encouraging them to remember that their very own student government representatives were the ones to pull this together, and calling out Sehun’s name to introduce the first dance.
“Hello,” Sehun says, and he can feel beads of sweat sliding down his face as he gazes out at the audience, grasping the microphone tightly with both hands. “I set this dance to the popular song ‘Growl,’ a song about fiercely protecting the people we love-something that seems especially relevant given the death grips our lovely student politicians try to keep on their offices.”
Everyone laughs, and Sehun smiles widely, but inside he feels deathly cold.
“But I’m not the really interesting part of this, so let’s hear it for our dancers: Zhang Yixing, Song Qian, Amber Liu, Lee Hyukjae, Kim Hyoyeon, Huang Zitao, and Kim Jongin!”
Sehun strides quickly offstage, the roar of the audience as the dancers skip onstage ringing in his ears. As he pushes aside the curtain, he’s greeted by the decidedly unpleasant sight of Jongdae and Junmyeon pressed into a corner, mouths locked together.
“Get a room would you,” he grunts, considering how angry Baekhyun will be if he just collapses here on the floor and refuses to move ever again.
“Sorry,” Junmyeon gasps, extricating himself from Jongdae’s grasp and smoothing out the wrinkles in his blindingly white button-down. “Good luck out there.”
“Oh, I’m feeling very lucky,” Jongdae says with a wink that makes Sehun gag, before he skips forward into the wings, waiting for the last strains of music to die away so he can go make a short speech on some other aspect of student government no one really cares about.
Sehun decides that the floor looks dirty anyway, and so he settles for leaning against the wall, closing his eyes as he tries to will himself to not think about the way Jongin had looked bounding onto the stage, eyes bright, so excited to perform.
“I still don’t like you,” a voice says from right beside him, and Sehun gasps, instinctively flinching away and clapping both hands over his privates. But Kyungsoo doesn’t look murderous-instead, he’s gazing up at Sehun with something almost like pity in his eyes. “But Jongin does like you. And I think he’s willing to give you another chance.”
“I-what?” Sehun asks, still a bit dizzy and disoriented and frightened that Kyungsoo’s going to hurt him.
“Just… Don’t. Fuck. It. Up.” Kyungsoo says shortly, emphasizing each word. Then he’s turning towards the stage, microphone in hand, and after the wave of applause dies down Sehun can hear him start to sing. It’s beautiful-so pure and melodic that Sehun almost forgets that Kyungsoo tried to cripple him for life.
“Sehun! Sehun. Sehun.”
Sehun jerks his eyes open again, this time to see Chanyeol motioning to him from where he’s hiding behind a stack of boxes a few feet away.
“What are you doing here?” Sehun groans, peeling himself away from the wall and walking over to where Chanyeol is crouching. That’s when he sees Chanyeol is holding a bouquet of roses and he seriously considers throwing up all over Chanyeol’s shoes. “Oh, no. You’re not actually going to-”
“I asked Kyungsoo if he would sing Baekhyun’s favorite song and he said yes and so I just need you to tell me when Baekhyun goes back on stage so I can go out and give these to him,” Chanyeol hisses, glancing wildly around like he’s some sort of spy instead of a pathetic college kid.
“Sure, sure,” Sehun says. “I’ll just wait over here wondering why literally everyone gets a happy ending except for me.”
“Thanks, you’re the best,” Chanyeol says distractedly, and Sehun shoots him a final disgusted glance before staggering back over to his post by the wall.
It’s not long before the song finishes to more thunderous applause, and then Baekhyun’s sliding past Sehun, sparing the time to give him another worried look.
“Are you sure you’re all right?” Baekhyun asks. “You look like you might faint.”
“No, no, I’m just fine,” Sehun says, before sucking in a deep breath and yelling, “The eagle is flying the coop, I repeat, the eagle is flying the coop!”
“Shut up!” Baekhyun hisses, clapping a hand over his mouth. Out of the corner of his eye, Sehun sees Chanyeol slapping a hand against his forehead in annoyance. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“Nothing,” Sehun says sweetly, and his grin must look a little off because Baekhyun takes a few steps backwards, looking even more worried than before.
“Oookay,” Baekhyun says. “I’m just gonna go now.”
And then he’s stepping out into the bright lights, and Sehun can’t even bear to watch Chanyeol follow him out, can’t bear to listen to the crowd’s awwwws of affection and screams of happiness as Baekhyun half-laughs half-sobs out a yes to Chanyeol’s simple, “Byun Baekhyun, will you be my boyfriend?” So before Sehun can stop himself, before he remembers that these people are his friends, that he should be happy for them, he’s reaching for the door handle, preparing to throw himself outside before the two of them stumble backstage and make him feel even worse about himself.
But then his hand stills on the doorknob and he can’t bring himself to turn it. He thinks about Kyungsoo-the things he was willing to do for Jongin. He thinks about Baekhyun, and how he spends half his life trying to make sure Sehun isn’t doing stupid things to make himself sick. About Jongdae and how he always listens to Sehun’s problems and asks so little in return. And he thinks of Jongin and how he never wants to ask for help but is so willing to give it, the way he’d practically become Sehun’s co-instructor this past week even though they weren’t speaking, going through the difficult sections over and over with his fellow dancers, critiquing and demonstrating until everyone could execute it perfectly.
So Sehun stays.
He stays and tells Baekhyun and Chanyeol they already make a disgustingly cute couple and he’s not sure if he can be seen around them anymore, and the smiles they give him are almost enough to counteract the ache in his chest, the gaping emptiness there that only Jongin seems to be able to fill. Jongin, with his sunny smiles and soft voice and sweet words.
He catches up to Kyungsoo as they all tumble out into the cool evening air, flushed with success and relief, and Kyungsoo actually gives him a small smile before pointing him in the right direction.
When Sehun reaches the dance studio there aren’t any lights glowing the windows, but he opens the door anyway, tentatively feeling his way along the walls until he finds a door. There’s a dark shape huddled in the corner, just as Kyungsoo had said there would be, and when Sehun whispers Jongin’s name into the darkness the shape jumps, rising until it takes the shape of a person.
“Look, Jongin,” Sehun says quickly, determined to get the words out before Jongin can run away again. “When I ran away from you that time outside the library it was because I didn’t know what I was feeling, and I was scared. But I’m not scared anymore. I love you, Kim Jongin. And not just because you’re beautiful and kind and caring and so fucking fragile that I want to wrap you up in bubble wrap and protect you from the whole world but because you make me smile and you’ve made me into a better person, seriously, I can’t think of anyone else who’s made me want to be better and even if you decide to walk out of here right now I’ll still have that, I’ll still be this better person that you’ve made me and I just wanted to thank you so much for that, I just…” Sehun trails off as he sees Jongin drawing closer, and now he can make out his eyes, his arms, his shoulders in the dim yellow light filtering into the studio from nearby streetlamps.
“Sehun,” Jongin whispers, and Sehun feels his knees turn to jelly at the way the syllables melt off Jongin’s tongue. He so desperately wants to taste his name on Jongin’s lips but he knows that this is something Jongin has to do. Sehun can’t be selfish anymore.
They stand there in silence for several long moments, long enough that Sehun starts to think Jongin really is just going to walk past him and out the door, but then Jongin is stepping closer, then closer again, until their bodies are pressed flush against each other. Sehun’s breath hitches, and he knows Jongin hears it because then he’s leaning forward, breath hot against Sehun’s ear.
“I love you too, Oh Sehun,” Jongin says, and Sehun shivers, relishing the press of Jongin’s body against his own. And then Jongin is fitting their mouths together and all Sehun can do is sigh with relief, with gratitude, with happiness because finally, finally this feels right.
Sehun slides his hands down to Jongin’s waist, pulling him even closer, and he grins when Jongin moans brazenly at the friction. He can feel his blood singing in his veins, and everything feels so hot and so real that Sehun can barely stand it. He can’t imagine how he’s survived these past few weeks without the warmth of Jongin’s hands on his face, without the pressure of Jongin’s body as he rolls his hips slightly forward, making Sehun gasp. And this time it’s Jongin’s turn to smile, savoring the way Sehun simply presses closer, kissing him more desperately.
“What about Shakespeare?” Jongin mumbles against Sehun’s mouth and Sehun laughs, reveling in the way he can feel Jongin coming apart beneath his fingers.
“Fuck Shakespeare,” he says, twining his fingers in Jongin’s hair.
“No thanks,” Jongin laughs, and Sehun loves the way the vibrations travel between their lips until Sehun can’t tell if the laugh is his or Jongin’s. “But I might say yes to the same offer from someone else.”
“Whoa there, boyfriend,” Sehun smiles, though saying the word sends a thrill of happiness through him, “I might decide to play hard to get, you never know.”
“Boyfriend,” Jongin murmurs, and Sehun kisses the word right out of his mouth, deciding that if Jongin always says it just like that, Sehun might never want him to use his real name again.
“Well, will you look at this,” Luhan says, sauntering over to the table where they’re all sitting, congratulating Jongdae, Junmyeon, and Baekhyun on getting the highest participation rates of student ballot measure voting in history. “You all look so sweet I feel like I’m stepping into the shop after Wu Fan’s been put in charge of making the specialty drinks.”
“Yeah, can you warn me next time he gets put in charge?” Sehun groans, not moving his head from where it’s comfortably nestled in the crook of Jongin’s shoulder. “I’m not really a fan of drinking coffee-flavored sugar sludge.”
“Well, I think it’s nice that he tries,” Chanyeol says, and Baekhyun ducks out from underneath his arm to give him an incredulous look.
“That’s just because you’re too nice to everyone,” Baekhyun laughs, snuggling himself back into Chanyeol’s side. “You give everyone the benefit of the doubt.”
“My little cynical politician,” Chanyeol hums, carding his hands through Baekhyun’s hair and Jongdae and Junmyeon simultaneously pretend to gag, causing them both to erupt into a fit of giggles.
“Wow, there is just so much maturity here I think I might just have to go puke up everything I’ve ever eaten in my entire life,” Luhan says good-naturedly. “But there was a reason I came over here. I was wondering if Sehun would be interested in meeting with a few friends of mine. They saw your dance at the showcase and they really want to talk to you about coming up with choreography.”
“Yeah, sure,” Sehun says, eyes continually being pulled up to admire the way Jongin’s smile fills his whole face.
“Whoa, that’s it?” Baekhyun asks, sitting up and narrowing his eyes at Sehun. “No whining about how much work you have? No annoying demands? Just a ‘yeah, sure’?”
“I only do that to you,” Sehun snorts, laughing at the way Jongin’s hands come up threatening when Baekhyun leans over to try to punch Sehun.
“You’re lucky you’ve got Jongin here to protect you, you coward,” Baekhyun says, leaning back against Chanyeol.
“I think it’s kind of the other way around,” Jongin says brightly, and Baekhyun rolls his eyes.
“Really? You think so?” Sehun asks, and as Jongin reaches down to brush his bangs out of his eyes, he can’t help but smile at the feel of Jongin’s fingers against his skin.
“Absolutely,” Jongin says, pressing his lips softly to Sehun’s forehead. And maybe Sehun still has a million hours of homework left to do, and now he’s promised to help Luhan, and his parents keep bugging to get some kind of job, but Jongin is so real and so close and so steady that Sehun thinks he may be all he needs to stay above water. For some unfathomable reason, Jongin’s willing to do anything for Sehun, and Sehun thinks he would do anything for Jongin too. As long as Sehun mostly gets his way.