For All the Stars in the Sky
Title: For all the stars in the sky
Pairing: Minseok/Baekhyun (side Luhan/Yixing)
Rating: PG-13
Length: 4,993
Genre: Fluff, angst, canon
Summary: Minseok isn’t quite sure what it means to fall in love.
It happens when they’re walking to the van that will take them home from the studio. Minseok is tired, so bone tired it feels like the ground is swaying beneath his feet as he takes the final steps to the car. The only thing keeping him upright is Baekhyun’s arm around his shoulders, but that’s when he first notices it.
The way Luhan’s hair shines in the sunlight, the way his eyes still sparkle with amusement at something Tao’s said, even though he’s just as tired as the rest of them, the way his slender hands curl around Sehun’s hips as he helps him into the backseat. Minseok sees all this, and suddenly he feels a bit of heat pooling in his stomach.
The first time he’s able to put a name to the feeling, they’re all crammed in K’s living room, watching some terrible teenage drama on TV because Jongdae had complained all day about how he couldn’t miss this episode’s big reveal. Luhan is lazily throwing popcorn at Yixing’s head, giggling when Yixing picks the pieces out of his hair and throws them back, daring Luhan to catch them in his mouth.
When Luhan smiles like that, eyes bright and face lit from behind by the sunshine spilling past the shade covering the window, Minseok finally realizes what the butterflies in his stomach must mean. The way his breath catches in his throat when Luhan brushes past him in the hallway, the way he craves the feel of his skin, pushing past Wu Fan as they crowd into the van so that he can spend the ride pressed against Luhan’s side, reveling in his warmth and his closeness, there’s suddenly a name for this feeling.
“Are you all right?” Baekhyun asks worriedly, poking Minseok in the side. “You’ve been really quiet all evening. Are you feeling sick?”
“No! No, I’m fine,” Minseok says, trying to keep himself from blushing when Luhan glances up at him, eyes glittering with borrowed sunlight. “I’m just fine.”
It’s hard, being in love with Luhan, Minseok thinks to himself as they prepare for their upcoming performance. The first time he wanted to kiss a boy, back when he was only a trainee, he’d known that he would have to spend the rest of his life hiding this part of himself from the rest of the world.
But with Luhan, it’s more than that. Because Luhan is so beautiful, so perfect, so utterly unattainable, and Minseok can’t stop himself from wanting. He lets Luhan come up with stupid nicknames for him and doesn’t protest when Luhan uses them to make him the butt of jokes in nearly every interview. He spends more nights than he cares to remember in the studio, gazing at himself in the mirror as he struggles to perfect the choreography, telling himself that if he can get it better, maybe then Luhan will bring him up along with Yixing when talking about EXO-M’s dancing talent, maybe he’ll ask Minseok instead of Yixing to stay after with him and practice when he needs help.
“You’re going to keep getting sick if you don’t start getting more sleep,” Baekhyun tells him matter-of-factly, helping Minseok hold the steaming cup of tea to his dry, cracked lips.
“I know, I know,” Minseok says, voice harsh in his throat. “But I’m sick of being unnoticed. I want to be the best. I want people to care about me.”
“I care about you,” Baekhyun says simply, putting the cup back on the bedside table. He gazes at Minseok with those dark eyes Minseok’s trusted since the very beginning, since the first day he met the eleven other boys he was going to spend the next several years with.
“I know,” Minseok says, slumping back on his pillows. “And I care about you too. But sometimes it’s not enough.”
“Hey! Wake up!”
It’s much, much too early for this, Minseok is fairly certain, and he groans as someone-probably Junmyeon, the bastard, flips on the lights in the room, practically burning Minseok’s eyes before he manages to squeeze them shut again.
“I don’t want to,” he mumbles into his pillow. He’s so tired, especially after spending several hours last night going over choreography with Baekhyun until he looked almost as fluid in motion as Minseok did himself. The last thing he wants to do is get up and spend hours getting makeup slathered on his face so they can spend an hour getting their photos taken in stuffy studios with too much light and not enough windows.
“Well, too bad you don’t get a choice,” a voice says from above him as his blankets are suddenly ripped backwards, leaving Minseok howling at the sudden cold.
“I hate you so much right now, Byun Baekhyun,” he growls, eyes slowly focusing on the boy standing beside his head. Baekhyun just laughs, throwing a pair of pants at Minseok’s face.
“Come on, get dressed, even Sehun is beating you right now.”
“Well, we can’t have that,” Minseok grumbles, slowly sitting up and rubbing his eyes with the backs of his hands. “I just hope my hair looks okay today.”
He pulls on his pants-his favorite pair of jeans, he makes a mental note to thank Baekhyun for letting him have a little bit of comfort before he’s forced into whatever ridiculous get-up they decide to photograph them in-and stumbles out into the hallway towards the bathroom.
He’s almost made it to the end of the hall when the bathroom door bursts open and Luhan, fully dressed and looking ridiculously awake for the early hour of the morning, rushes past him. Minseok tries to ignore the way his heart jumps in his chest at Luhan’s warm, “Good morning,” at the way he glances up at Minseok from under his lashes, but he can’t ignore the fact that he is now very much more awake than he was a few moments ago.
In the bathroom, he splashes cold water on his face and tries to school his expression into something less heartsick-puppy and more uncaring-idol. It doesn’t quite work, but Minseok decides to take what he can get.
“Good, you’re up!” Baekhyun says when he finally wanders into the kitchen. This apartment they’re sharing is much too small for twelve people, but their managers had insisted it was just for a little while, just until their first performance of the year, and Minseok can’t really say he minds if it means getting to see the members of K more than he usually does.
“Am I?” Minseok says, a bit sarcastically, flopping down into a chair and accidentally knocking Jongin’s precariously balanced bowl into his lap. Jongin, who had obviously been dozing in his chair, leaps up with a yell as the bowl clangs to the floor and Minseok covers his face with his hands in despair. It’s much too early for this.
“Well, you look like you’re almost awake,” Baekhyun laughs. “Here, I saved you some food. Chanyeol was threatening to eat all the eggs but I said you looked like you needed one with your rice.”
“You’re the best,” Minseok says with a grin, grabbing Jongin’s abandoned chopsticks as he bends over to give Jongin a curious look-he’s under the table trying to scrape some of the food on the ground back into his bowl. “And I really hope you’re not planning on eating that, Jongin. “
“Yeah, Jongin, things aren’t that desperate yet,” Baekhyun says, grabbing the bowl from him before he can drop it again on the way to the sink. “You just sit back down and I’ll get you more food. Junmyeon will kill us all if there start being reports from fans again about you being ‘too skinny.’”
“What can I say?” Jongin sighs as he sits back down, reclining with his arms behind his head, seemingly recovered from his fright. “I’m a very delicate child.”
“Like hell you are,” Luhan says, entering the kitchen side-by-side with Yixing. “Move over, delicate child, we need food too you know.”
“Yeah, I’m sure you’re real hungry after all that aerobic exercise you two are getting,” Jongin cackles evilly, then yelps as Yixing swats at his head with his chopsticks.
It’s hard for Minseok to separate the twinge of annoyance in his stomach as Luhan shoves him to the side to pull up a chair, and the twist of want as Luhan leans back against his shoulder, shoveling food into his mouth. He’s not sure he wants to separate them. This being in love thing is just so difficult.
“How do you know what being in love feels like?”
Baekhyun looks up, a bit startled at Minseok suddenly breaking the companionable silence they’ve been sitting in for the past few hours, reading comic books and listening to music.
“Um…I don’t know,” he says slowly, as if carefully choosing each word. If Minseok knows him, he’s probably doing exactly that. Despite the way he always tries to look energetic and talkative on camera, away from all the bright lights and expectations Baekhyun always tries to say exactly what he means. He told Minseok once that it’s something he does to make sure he has few regrets in life. Minseok’s always admired Baekhyun’s steady calm, his ability to think that far into the future. Minseok can barely handle the present, with all its lights and sounds and feelings.
“Well, you must have some idea,” Minseok presses. He doesn’t know why it’s so important that he hears Baekhyun’s definition, but this seems like something Baekhyun would like talking about-love is so poetic and delicate and wild, all at the same time. Just like Baekhyun, Minseok thinks sometimes.
“I mean, I’m sure movies and books have a lot of it right,” Baekhyun says, smiling. “The butterflies in your stomach, that spark when you touch, the way you want to spend all your time with them.”
“Is that really all love is, though,” Minseok wonders aloud. “That makes it seem so…physical. So scientific. Like love can be defined by pheromones and increased heart rate and shortness of breath.”
“If you really want to know what I think,” Baekhyun says and Minseok nods encouragingly, “I think love is wanting to be someone else’s everything.”
“Hmmm,” Minseok says, leaning back against his bed, watching the shift of the muscles in his legs as he stretches them out.
He’s not sure he knows what that means.
The first time Luhan winks at him during practice, Minseok feels like he’s melting, bones turning to jelly and dissolving like sugar in water. He sighs quietly and, when Luhan reaches over to clap him on the shoulder and thank him for walking him through a difficult part of the choreography, he has to fight a sudden pressure in his chest, pressing on his lungs, making it hard to breathe.
Minseok loves so much it hurts. There have been others, before Luhan, beautiful boys, just as unattainable, who Minseok watched, entranced by the motion of their bodies as they moved to the harsh beats of the music. None of them ever noticed him, ever saw more to him than what he could give them-advice, kind words, constructive criticism. But he’s never felt quite like this, like he wants to know what Luhan’s mouth tastes like, like he wants to hear the small sounds Luhan makes when he’s aroused, like he wants to hold Luhan so tightly the feel of his skin is imprinted on his palms.
“Am I crazy?” Minseok asks Baekhyun once, and Baekhyun gives him a wry smile.
“In what sense?” he asks. “You usually seem like one of the more sane people around here. You don’t fall asleep in odd places like Jongin or make weird jokes like Chanyeol and you’re not as brooding as Yixing. I don’t think you’re crazy.”
Minseok doesn’t reply, but he tries to believe that Baekhyun’s right.
Minseok knows he can’t tell anyone about how he feels, but sometimes he gets so tired. When Sehun and Jongin fight over who gets the best view of Taeyeon’s ass from their lurking spot backstage, he smiles good-naturedly, and when Junmyeon sits at the kitchen table dreamily talking about a day when he’ll use his money to secure a pretty wife and send his three perfect children to top universities, he laughs and agrees with Junmyeon that such a life would be great, just what he wants.
Minseok rarely gets what he wants.
He knows that just being allowed to debut is so rare that he isn’t entitled to any more of his dreams-he’s used up his quota of miracles. But he can’t stop himself from wishing. When they’re promoting in China, he Skypes with Baekhyun, who laughs at him when he complains about how boring it is having to spend all day convincing Tao that no one believes the stuff fans post on internet forums and trying to get Wu Fan to engage in any kind of normal, human interaction such as conversation.
“Why don’t you talk to Luhan?” Baekhyun suggests. “He likes you well enough and I bet if you spent more time getting to know him you could become friends.”
Minseok doesn’t know how to explain that nothing is as easy with Luhan as it is with Baekhyun. Baekhyun is kind and gentle, he knows how to make Minseok laugh when he’s in one of his moods and he knows how to wake him up in the morning when he’s too tired to face the rest of the world. He can’t even remember becoming friends with Baekhyun-he just slipped into Minseok’s life one day and made himself at home like he’d always lived there.
With Luhan, things are different. Minseok knows lots of things about Luhan. He knows his favorite color, his favorite side of the couch, his favorite TV shows. He knows that he doesn’t like too much soy sauce on his food but always tends to overdo it on the salt when he’s upset. He knows that his dream car is a snow-white Skyline, that he hates the taste of strawberries. He knows that Luhan likes flower-scented shampoo even if Yixing teases him about it, and that he needs to get at least seven hours of sleep or else he starts being grumpy and withdrawn.
It’s almost scary how much information Minseok has collected about Luhan, bit by bit, piece by piece, building a statue out of the knowledge as if simply knowing is enough to make Luhan love him back. As if Luhan could be attracted to someone who simply reflects back an image of himself. Minseok wouldn’t put it past him.
Luhan’s always wanted to be able to look in the mirror without anyone thinking that he’s vain.
Minseok expects to feel something, the first time he hears them together, thin walls of the dormitory doing little to block the sounds. He expects his heart to burn, to shatter, to teach him the literal meaning of the term “heartbreak.” But instead he simply feels the same familiar pressure, the same slight pain in his chest.
It makes him feel a bit sick to see them in the morning, Yixing pushing a runaway strand of hair behind Luhan’s ear, Luhan smiling and leaning into the touch the way a flower leans towards the sunlight. Jongdae jeers, but deep down everyone seems pleased to see it finally happen-even Wu Fan can’t hold back a slight smile when he asks them to please keep it down at night, some of us have to sleep you know.
Minseok locks himself in his room that afternoon, telling everyone that he’s not feeling well, and Jongdae happily moves into Tao’s room for the night, muttering something about the plague and not wanting to get contaminated. But the tears won’t come. It just feels like there’s a pressure in his chest that nothing can ease. Not dancing, not thinking, not even one of Luhan’s sunny smiles when Minseok stops him from falling after he trips during practice one day. It’s always there.
“Baekhyun?” Minseok asks nervously. He’s sweating all over, rubbing his palms on his jeans does nothing but exacerbate the problem, and he knows he shouldn’t be doing this but he’s just so tired and this is Baekhyun, Baekhyun who he’s trusted since the first moment they met. Minseok is so tired of pretending.
“Yeah?” Baekhyun says, and his eyes are dark and deep and warm and when he looks at Minseok it’s like there’s no one else in the entire world.
“I think I’m in love.”
“Oh, really?” Baekhyun says and he smiles, though his voice catches on the questioning up-tick at the end of the sentence. “And who’s the lucky person?”
“Baekhyun, listen,” Minseok says, and his mind is racing, his throat closing as he realizes just how much he shouldn’t be doing this, how dangerous this is for him. He’s tired of pretending but that’s all he knows how to do. It’s an art he’s spent his whole life learning how to perfect. And if he gives this bit of himself away, how will he ever be able to rebuild his façade, his shield against the rest of the world?
But Baekhyun is looking at him curiously and he’s gone too far to stop now and this is Baekhyun and there’s no reason to be afraid, no reason at all.
“I think I’m in love with Luhan.”
“Oh,” Baekhyun says quietly. The fading grey-blue light in the room muffles the words so it sounds like they’re reaching Minseok’s ears through layers of water rather than air. “Have you told him?”
“No,” Minseok says. “And I’m not going to. I just…wanted you to know. Since you’re my best friend.”
“Well, thank you for telling me,” Baekhyun says, and the smile on his face seems only a little forced, only a little too brittle, but it could also be the light playing tricks on Minseok’s imagination. Because this is Baekhyun, and he would never judge Minseok for loving another boy.
Would he?
It’s a fairly subtle change, Minseok will give him that, but it isn’t long before he realizes that Baekhyun is going out of his way to avoid being in the same room as him, to avoid having to talk to him about anything but performances or practices or lyrics.
At first he chalks it up to the fact that they’ve been spending a lot of time apart, as K and M continue their separate promotions, but then even when they’re together again in Korea, all twelve of them, Baekhyun doesn’t answer his texts. When Minseok sits down next to him at the breakfast table one morning, Baekhyun immediately gets up and moves to the seat next to Chanyeol, where he sits leaning his head against Chanyeol’s shoulder.
Ever since they started being trained as EXO, Baekhyun would wait for Minseok as they all left the practice room, no matter how long it took him to gulp down some water, wiping the sweat from his brow as the others leave the room in small groups. Now Baekhyun doesn’t wait-he sweeps out with Tao and Sehun, chattering about the outfits their stylists have suggested for their comeback and ways to make them less embarrassing. He doesn’t look back.
Minseok stands in the middle of the empty room, arms hanging limply at his side, and here he doesn’t feel powerful or brave or any of the things he is when he’s on stage, feeling the music pulse through him, feeling the beat controlling his movements more than any semblance of muscle memory. When he looks at himself in the mirror the reflection looks foreign, like a poorly made replica of the Minseok he used to be. Like he’s spent so much time pretending he’s someone else that it’s finally happened.
This is when he cries.
As he stands in the shower, letting the hot water wash over him, waves of steam rolling up the walls and mirror, Minseok cries so hard his whole body shakes, eyes hot with tears, heart burning in his chest.
Images flash through his mind and each one lodges in his throat, threatening to choke him. Baekhyun waiting for him at the end of one of his long solo practices, holding a water bottle and a towel to go with his mild scolding for Minseok not to hurt himself practicing so much, he’s already one of their best dancers. Baekhyun’s laugh-the bright, sparkling laugh he can hear even through the walls-when he sends him a happy birthday text consisting of a few words and hundreds of emoticons. Baekhyun holding Minseok, rocking him slightly as he listens to the words spilling out of him, harsh and cutting, the words Minseok uses to remind himself that he’s not good enough, will never be good enough, will never be enough for anyone to love.
Minseok can’t imagine never having Baekhyun hold him like that again, never having Baekhyun remind him that he is kind and honest and brave, that he is more than enough for anyone to love, that anyone would be lucky to have his love. He can’t imagine never again hearing Baekhyun’s laugh when he tells a terrible joke or seeing Baekhyun’s brilliant smile directed only at him when they high-five after a performance.
He can’t imagine it and he wonders if this, this feeling, is heartbreak.
He composes hundreds of texts-some angry, some sad, some simply desperate-and doesn’t send a single one. He types Baekhyun’s number in his phone but can never bring himself to call, writes out lengthy e-mails full of hurt and words like “betrayal,” “friendship,” and “why” that he quickly deletes.
He imagines the conversation a thousand different ways in his head. In some versions, Baekhyun breaks down, sobbing that he never meant to hurt Minseok, he was just jealous or afraid that Minseok wouldn’t want to be friends with him anymore. In others it’s Minseok who’s begging, pleading with Baekhyun to just speak to him, to act like he still exists, because Baekhyun’s one of the only people who ever saw through the layers of make-believe Minseok wraps around himself like armor, who ever wanted to know what lay beneath the lies Minseok tells to everyone, and mostly to himself.
What he never expected is for Baekhyun to come to him first.
He stops him one day after practice, grabbing Minseok’s arm and pulling him back into the practice room so it’s just the two of them, silence hanging thick and heavy in the air.
“Minseok,” Baekhyun says softly, and Minseok nearly forgives him right there. “I’m so sorry.”
“For what?” Minseok says with a lightness in his voice that he doesn’t feel. At this point lying feels so much more real than the truth.
“I’m so, so sorry,” Baekhyun repeats, and his eyes are sparkling a bit too brightly but not a single tear escapes. “I just…when you told me about Luhan I couldn’t-”
“Couldn’t what?” Minseok asks harshly, and suddenly he wants to tell the truth, he can’t handle any more pretending. Because this is Baekhyun, the one person he’s never had to pretend for. The person he wanted to always be there for him, to ask him how he was doing and actually mean it, to listen to him when he’s tired and make him laugh when he’s sad. And he wanted to always be there for Baekhyun, to remind him that he’s not alone, that someone cares whether he’s happy or sad, someone knows that Baekhyun doesn’t like olives on his pizza and that he wanted to be a math teacher before he realized how much singing felt like flying. “Couldn’t handle the fact that I’m gay? I’m sorry I’m so disgusting to you, but you could have at least told me why if you were going to suddenly stop talking to me and start pretending I don’t exist.”
Baekhyun winces like he’s been slapped and Minseok immediately regrets what he’s said. But there’s nothing he can do about it now, no way to take the words back. And he doesn’t want to. He thought Baekhyun wanted to know the real him. Well, here he is.
“Minseok,” Baekhyun says, and this time his voice is stronger. “That’s not why I started avoiding you-”
“Then why, Baekhyun?” Minseok asks, and he hates how desperate his voice sounds, how much the words sound like a plea. “Why did you do it? I thought you were my best friend, I thought you were always going to be there for me. And then you weren’t.”
“That’s exactly why,” Baekhyun says, and his voice is sad, so sad that Minseok’s own heart aches a bit in solidarity. “Because I don’t want to just be your best friend, Minseok.”
“What do you mean?” Minseok asks, because this doesn’t make any sense and yet it suddenly makes perfect sense and the same words are swirling around and around in his head. To be someone else’s everything.
“It’s better this way,” Baekhyun says, and when he walks out of the room Minseok feels almost like he’s still there, can still feel his warm breath on his skin, hear his soft voice repeating those words over and over. Someone else’s everything.
Everything.
He wants to talk to Baekhyun, to say something, anything, but M and K have separate photoshoots, M representing the cool purity of winter and K representing the smooth beauty of summer or something equally ridiculous.
“Hey, Minseok, what are you doing?” Jongdae yells from the other side of the dressing room. “Hurry up, we’re supposed to be dressed already!”
Yixing and Luhan giggle through the whole shoot, poking each other and telling lame jokes that the camera crew find hilarious and Minseok simply finds annoying.
“I know this is usually what I tell Wu Fan,” their manager yells from the cameraman’s side, “but you need to loosen up, Minseok! Smile more!”
So Minseok smiles, gives them Xiumin’s perfect mix of cute and bold, leans happily against Luhan when they tell him to, slinging an arm around his neck and pretending that this is normal, that this is what he wants. Luhan exchanges a look with Yixing that sends both of them into gales of laughter and they have to set up the shot all over again, and this time Minseok’s smile is just a little tighter, mouth just a little more rigid.
He hates pretending.
“Baekhyun.”
This time it’s Minseok’s turn to grab Baekhyun’s arm, dragging him away from Tao’s questioning looks and Jumyeon’s worried glances.
“What?” Baekhyun asks shortly, and he hasn’t spoken to Minseok directly since the last time they were alone and Minseok hates it, hates the silence and sadness where there used to be easy camaraderie, simple happiness.
“Baekhyun, are you in love with me?” And Minseok doesn’t mean to be cruel, he just has to know because he’s not really sure he knows what love is anymore but he thinks Baekhyun is the closest he can come to understanding.
“Yes, Minseok,” Baekhyun spits, and his eyes are cold. “Are you happy now? I love you. I’ve loved you for years. But you don’t have to pretend you feel the same way, you told me how you felt about Luhan and I’m fine with that, I know that’s what you’re best at-pretending-but I swear I will kill you if you try to pretend with me, try to take advantage of the way I feel-”
But he doesn’t get to finish because Minseok has grabbed the front of his shirt roughly and pulled them together, so close he can feel the beating of Baekhyun’s heart, and then he’s kissing him, pressing his lips against Baekhyun’s and maybe this is love but his heart feels like it’s about to burst.
Baekhyun is still at first, but once the shock wears off he begins to try to push Minseok away, placing two hands on his chest and shoving as hard as he can.
“Stop it,” he says angrily, and Minseok thinks he can see tears shining in his eyes. “I told you not to do this, don’t do this to me. I hate when you pretend.”
“Baekhyun,” Minseok says, closing the distance between them again and cupping Baekhyun’s face in his hands and maybe it’s Minseok who’s tearing up but the world is suddenly very misty and unsteady. “I want to be your everything.”
Baekhyun looks at him, lips trembling slightly, and Minseok uses a thumb to brush away the few stray tears that manage to slip past Baekhyun’s inhibitions and his fear and Minseok knows Baekhyun is so much stronger than he is and he loves that, he loves Baekhyun.
“I’ve always wanted to be your everything.”
And then Baekhyun is throwing his arms around Minseok’s neck and pulling their mouths together and Minseok feels like he’s flying and for the first time in a long time he feels like this is his life, all his, and he never wants to give this up.
“I love you,” Baekhyun says, pulling back, wonder coloring his voice as if he almost can’t believe this is happening.
“I’ve never been able to pretend with you,” Minseok says, pulling him forward and kissing him again and again.
And it doesn’t matter that it’s getting late and the other members will be wondering where they are because Baekhyun is here, warm and pliant under his hands, and Minseok doesn’t have to pretend anymore because Baekhyun loves him, not Xiumin, not the shield he’s erected around himself to prevent anyone from getting close.
And it doesn’t matter that this is going to be difficult, it doesn’t matter that Baekhyun broke his heart, because Baekhyun is in every breath Minseok takes, and he’s taken Minseok apart and put him back together in a way that makes him feel more like a whole person than a cardboard cutout with a pretty face.
“You can be my everything,” Baekhyun whispers against his lips and Minseok pulls him even closer, holds him even tighter.
Everything. It’s a lovely word.
And always. Minseok likes that one too.
Pairing: Minseok/Baekhyun (side Luhan/Yixing)
Rating: PG-13
Length: 4,993
Genre: Fluff, angst, canon
Summary: Minseok isn’t quite sure what it means to fall in love.
It happens when they’re walking to the van that will take them home from the studio. Minseok is tired, so bone tired it feels like the ground is swaying beneath his feet as he takes the final steps to the car. The only thing keeping him upright is Baekhyun’s arm around his shoulders, but that’s when he first notices it.
The way Luhan’s hair shines in the sunlight, the way his eyes still sparkle with amusement at something Tao’s said, even though he’s just as tired as the rest of them, the way his slender hands curl around Sehun’s hips as he helps him into the backseat. Minseok sees all this, and suddenly he feels a bit of heat pooling in his stomach.
The first time he’s able to put a name to the feeling, they’re all crammed in K’s living room, watching some terrible teenage drama on TV because Jongdae had complained all day about how he couldn’t miss this episode’s big reveal. Luhan is lazily throwing popcorn at Yixing’s head, giggling when Yixing picks the pieces out of his hair and throws them back, daring Luhan to catch them in his mouth.
When Luhan smiles like that, eyes bright and face lit from behind by the sunshine spilling past the shade covering the window, Minseok finally realizes what the butterflies in his stomach must mean. The way his breath catches in his throat when Luhan brushes past him in the hallway, the way he craves the feel of his skin, pushing past Wu Fan as they crowd into the van so that he can spend the ride pressed against Luhan’s side, reveling in his warmth and his closeness, there’s suddenly a name for this feeling.
“Are you all right?” Baekhyun asks worriedly, poking Minseok in the side. “You’ve been really quiet all evening. Are you feeling sick?”
“No! No, I’m fine,” Minseok says, trying to keep himself from blushing when Luhan glances up at him, eyes glittering with borrowed sunlight. “I’m just fine.”
It’s hard, being in love with Luhan, Minseok thinks to himself as they prepare for their upcoming performance. The first time he wanted to kiss a boy, back when he was only a trainee, he’d known that he would have to spend the rest of his life hiding this part of himself from the rest of the world.
But with Luhan, it’s more than that. Because Luhan is so beautiful, so perfect, so utterly unattainable, and Minseok can’t stop himself from wanting. He lets Luhan come up with stupid nicknames for him and doesn’t protest when Luhan uses them to make him the butt of jokes in nearly every interview. He spends more nights than he cares to remember in the studio, gazing at himself in the mirror as he struggles to perfect the choreography, telling himself that if he can get it better, maybe then Luhan will bring him up along with Yixing when talking about EXO-M’s dancing talent, maybe he’ll ask Minseok instead of Yixing to stay after with him and practice when he needs help.
“You’re going to keep getting sick if you don’t start getting more sleep,” Baekhyun tells him matter-of-factly, helping Minseok hold the steaming cup of tea to his dry, cracked lips.
“I know, I know,” Minseok says, voice harsh in his throat. “But I’m sick of being unnoticed. I want to be the best. I want people to care about me.”
“I care about you,” Baekhyun says simply, putting the cup back on the bedside table. He gazes at Minseok with those dark eyes Minseok’s trusted since the very beginning, since the first day he met the eleven other boys he was going to spend the next several years with.
“I know,” Minseok says, slumping back on his pillows. “And I care about you too. But sometimes it’s not enough.”
“Hey! Wake up!”
It’s much, much too early for this, Minseok is fairly certain, and he groans as someone-probably Junmyeon, the bastard, flips on the lights in the room, practically burning Minseok’s eyes before he manages to squeeze them shut again.
“I don’t want to,” he mumbles into his pillow. He’s so tired, especially after spending several hours last night going over choreography with Baekhyun until he looked almost as fluid in motion as Minseok did himself. The last thing he wants to do is get up and spend hours getting makeup slathered on his face so they can spend an hour getting their photos taken in stuffy studios with too much light and not enough windows.
“Well, too bad you don’t get a choice,” a voice says from above him as his blankets are suddenly ripped backwards, leaving Minseok howling at the sudden cold.
“I hate you so much right now, Byun Baekhyun,” he growls, eyes slowly focusing on the boy standing beside his head. Baekhyun just laughs, throwing a pair of pants at Minseok’s face.
“Come on, get dressed, even Sehun is beating you right now.”
“Well, we can’t have that,” Minseok grumbles, slowly sitting up and rubbing his eyes with the backs of his hands. “I just hope my hair looks okay today.”
He pulls on his pants-his favorite pair of jeans, he makes a mental note to thank Baekhyun for letting him have a little bit of comfort before he’s forced into whatever ridiculous get-up they decide to photograph them in-and stumbles out into the hallway towards the bathroom.
He’s almost made it to the end of the hall when the bathroom door bursts open and Luhan, fully dressed and looking ridiculously awake for the early hour of the morning, rushes past him. Minseok tries to ignore the way his heart jumps in his chest at Luhan’s warm, “Good morning,” at the way he glances up at Minseok from under his lashes, but he can’t ignore the fact that he is now very much more awake than he was a few moments ago.
In the bathroom, he splashes cold water on his face and tries to school his expression into something less heartsick-puppy and more uncaring-idol. It doesn’t quite work, but Minseok decides to take what he can get.
“Good, you’re up!” Baekhyun says when he finally wanders into the kitchen. This apartment they’re sharing is much too small for twelve people, but their managers had insisted it was just for a little while, just until their first performance of the year, and Minseok can’t really say he minds if it means getting to see the members of K more than he usually does.
“Am I?” Minseok says, a bit sarcastically, flopping down into a chair and accidentally knocking Jongin’s precariously balanced bowl into his lap. Jongin, who had obviously been dozing in his chair, leaps up with a yell as the bowl clangs to the floor and Minseok covers his face with his hands in despair. It’s much too early for this.
“Well, you look like you’re almost awake,” Baekhyun laughs. “Here, I saved you some food. Chanyeol was threatening to eat all the eggs but I said you looked like you needed one with your rice.”
“You’re the best,” Minseok says with a grin, grabbing Jongin’s abandoned chopsticks as he bends over to give Jongin a curious look-he’s under the table trying to scrape some of the food on the ground back into his bowl. “And I really hope you’re not planning on eating that, Jongin. “
“Yeah, Jongin, things aren’t that desperate yet,” Baekhyun says, grabbing the bowl from him before he can drop it again on the way to the sink. “You just sit back down and I’ll get you more food. Junmyeon will kill us all if there start being reports from fans again about you being ‘too skinny.’”
“What can I say?” Jongin sighs as he sits back down, reclining with his arms behind his head, seemingly recovered from his fright. “I’m a very delicate child.”
“Like hell you are,” Luhan says, entering the kitchen side-by-side with Yixing. “Move over, delicate child, we need food too you know.”
“Yeah, I’m sure you’re real hungry after all that aerobic exercise you two are getting,” Jongin cackles evilly, then yelps as Yixing swats at his head with his chopsticks.
It’s hard for Minseok to separate the twinge of annoyance in his stomach as Luhan shoves him to the side to pull up a chair, and the twist of want as Luhan leans back against his shoulder, shoveling food into his mouth. He’s not sure he wants to separate them. This being in love thing is just so difficult.
“How do you know what being in love feels like?”
Baekhyun looks up, a bit startled at Minseok suddenly breaking the companionable silence they’ve been sitting in for the past few hours, reading comic books and listening to music.
“Um…I don’t know,” he says slowly, as if carefully choosing each word. If Minseok knows him, he’s probably doing exactly that. Despite the way he always tries to look energetic and talkative on camera, away from all the bright lights and expectations Baekhyun always tries to say exactly what he means. He told Minseok once that it’s something he does to make sure he has few regrets in life. Minseok’s always admired Baekhyun’s steady calm, his ability to think that far into the future. Minseok can barely handle the present, with all its lights and sounds and feelings.
“Well, you must have some idea,” Minseok presses. He doesn’t know why it’s so important that he hears Baekhyun’s definition, but this seems like something Baekhyun would like talking about-love is so poetic and delicate and wild, all at the same time. Just like Baekhyun, Minseok thinks sometimes.
“I mean, I’m sure movies and books have a lot of it right,” Baekhyun says, smiling. “The butterflies in your stomach, that spark when you touch, the way you want to spend all your time with them.”
“Is that really all love is, though,” Minseok wonders aloud. “That makes it seem so…physical. So scientific. Like love can be defined by pheromones and increased heart rate and shortness of breath.”
“If you really want to know what I think,” Baekhyun says and Minseok nods encouragingly, “I think love is wanting to be someone else’s everything.”
“Hmmm,” Minseok says, leaning back against his bed, watching the shift of the muscles in his legs as he stretches them out.
He’s not sure he knows what that means.
The first time Luhan winks at him during practice, Minseok feels like he’s melting, bones turning to jelly and dissolving like sugar in water. He sighs quietly and, when Luhan reaches over to clap him on the shoulder and thank him for walking him through a difficult part of the choreography, he has to fight a sudden pressure in his chest, pressing on his lungs, making it hard to breathe.
Minseok loves so much it hurts. There have been others, before Luhan, beautiful boys, just as unattainable, who Minseok watched, entranced by the motion of their bodies as they moved to the harsh beats of the music. None of them ever noticed him, ever saw more to him than what he could give them-advice, kind words, constructive criticism. But he’s never felt quite like this, like he wants to know what Luhan’s mouth tastes like, like he wants to hear the small sounds Luhan makes when he’s aroused, like he wants to hold Luhan so tightly the feel of his skin is imprinted on his palms.
“Am I crazy?” Minseok asks Baekhyun once, and Baekhyun gives him a wry smile.
“In what sense?” he asks. “You usually seem like one of the more sane people around here. You don’t fall asleep in odd places like Jongin or make weird jokes like Chanyeol and you’re not as brooding as Yixing. I don’t think you’re crazy.”
Minseok doesn’t reply, but he tries to believe that Baekhyun’s right.
Minseok knows he can’t tell anyone about how he feels, but sometimes he gets so tired. When Sehun and Jongin fight over who gets the best view of Taeyeon’s ass from their lurking spot backstage, he smiles good-naturedly, and when Junmyeon sits at the kitchen table dreamily talking about a day when he’ll use his money to secure a pretty wife and send his three perfect children to top universities, he laughs and agrees with Junmyeon that such a life would be great, just what he wants.
Minseok rarely gets what he wants.
He knows that just being allowed to debut is so rare that he isn’t entitled to any more of his dreams-he’s used up his quota of miracles. But he can’t stop himself from wishing. When they’re promoting in China, he Skypes with Baekhyun, who laughs at him when he complains about how boring it is having to spend all day convincing Tao that no one believes the stuff fans post on internet forums and trying to get Wu Fan to engage in any kind of normal, human interaction such as conversation.
“Why don’t you talk to Luhan?” Baekhyun suggests. “He likes you well enough and I bet if you spent more time getting to know him you could become friends.”
Minseok doesn’t know how to explain that nothing is as easy with Luhan as it is with Baekhyun. Baekhyun is kind and gentle, he knows how to make Minseok laugh when he’s in one of his moods and he knows how to wake him up in the morning when he’s too tired to face the rest of the world. He can’t even remember becoming friends with Baekhyun-he just slipped into Minseok’s life one day and made himself at home like he’d always lived there.
With Luhan, things are different. Minseok knows lots of things about Luhan. He knows his favorite color, his favorite side of the couch, his favorite TV shows. He knows that he doesn’t like too much soy sauce on his food but always tends to overdo it on the salt when he’s upset. He knows that his dream car is a snow-white Skyline, that he hates the taste of strawberries. He knows that Luhan likes flower-scented shampoo even if Yixing teases him about it, and that he needs to get at least seven hours of sleep or else he starts being grumpy and withdrawn.
It’s almost scary how much information Minseok has collected about Luhan, bit by bit, piece by piece, building a statue out of the knowledge as if simply knowing is enough to make Luhan love him back. As if Luhan could be attracted to someone who simply reflects back an image of himself. Minseok wouldn’t put it past him.
Luhan’s always wanted to be able to look in the mirror without anyone thinking that he’s vain.
Minseok expects to feel something, the first time he hears them together, thin walls of the dormitory doing little to block the sounds. He expects his heart to burn, to shatter, to teach him the literal meaning of the term “heartbreak.” But instead he simply feels the same familiar pressure, the same slight pain in his chest.
It makes him feel a bit sick to see them in the morning, Yixing pushing a runaway strand of hair behind Luhan’s ear, Luhan smiling and leaning into the touch the way a flower leans towards the sunlight. Jongdae jeers, but deep down everyone seems pleased to see it finally happen-even Wu Fan can’t hold back a slight smile when he asks them to please keep it down at night, some of us have to sleep you know.
Minseok locks himself in his room that afternoon, telling everyone that he’s not feeling well, and Jongdae happily moves into Tao’s room for the night, muttering something about the plague and not wanting to get contaminated. But the tears won’t come. It just feels like there’s a pressure in his chest that nothing can ease. Not dancing, not thinking, not even one of Luhan’s sunny smiles when Minseok stops him from falling after he trips during practice one day. It’s always there.
“Baekhyun?” Minseok asks nervously. He’s sweating all over, rubbing his palms on his jeans does nothing but exacerbate the problem, and he knows he shouldn’t be doing this but he’s just so tired and this is Baekhyun, Baekhyun who he’s trusted since the first moment they met. Minseok is so tired of pretending.
“Yeah?” Baekhyun says, and his eyes are dark and deep and warm and when he looks at Minseok it’s like there’s no one else in the entire world.
“I think I’m in love.”
“Oh, really?” Baekhyun says and he smiles, though his voice catches on the questioning up-tick at the end of the sentence. “And who’s the lucky person?”
“Baekhyun, listen,” Minseok says, and his mind is racing, his throat closing as he realizes just how much he shouldn’t be doing this, how dangerous this is for him. He’s tired of pretending but that’s all he knows how to do. It’s an art he’s spent his whole life learning how to perfect. And if he gives this bit of himself away, how will he ever be able to rebuild his façade, his shield against the rest of the world?
But Baekhyun is looking at him curiously and he’s gone too far to stop now and this is Baekhyun and there’s no reason to be afraid, no reason at all.
“I think I’m in love with Luhan.”
“Oh,” Baekhyun says quietly. The fading grey-blue light in the room muffles the words so it sounds like they’re reaching Minseok’s ears through layers of water rather than air. “Have you told him?”
“No,” Minseok says. “And I’m not going to. I just…wanted you to know. Since you’re my best friend.”
“Well, thank you for telling me,” Baekhyun says, and the smile on his face seems only a little forced, only a little too brittle, but it could also be the light playing tricks on Minseok’s imagination. Because this is Baekhyun, and he would never judge Minseok for loving another boy.
Would he?
It’s a fairly subtle change, Minseok will give him that, but it isn’t long before he realizes that Baekhyun is going out of his way to avoid being in the same room as him, to avoid having to talk to him about anything but performances or practices or lyrics.
At first he chalks it up to the fact that they’ve been spending a lot of time apart, as K and M continue their separate promotions, but then even when they’re together again in Korea, all twelve of them, Baekhyun doesn’t answer his texts. When Minseok sits down next to him at the breakfast table one morning, Baekhyun immediately gets up and moves to the seat next to Chanyeol, where he sits leaning his head against Chanyeol’s shoulder.
Ever since they started being trained as EXO, Baekhyun would wait for Minseok as they all left the practice room, no matter how long it took him to gulp down some water, wiping the sweat from his brow as the others leave the room in small groups. Now Baekhyun doesn’t wait-he sweeps out with Tao and Sehun, chattering about the outfits their stylists have suggested for their comeback and ways to make them less embarrassing. He doesn’t look back.
Minseok stands in the middle of the empty room, arms hanging limply at his side, and here he doesn’t feel powerful or brave or any of the things he is when he’s on stage, feeling the music pulse through him, feeling the beat controlling his movements more than any semblance of muscle memory. When he looks at himself in the mirror the reflection looks foreign, like a poorly made replica of the Minseok he used to be. Like he’s spent so much time pretending he’s someone else that it’s finally happened.
This is when he cries.
As he stands in the shower, letting the hot water wash over him, waves of steam rolling up the walls and mirror, Minseok cries so hard his whole body shakes, eyes hot with tears, heart burning in his chest.
Images flash through his mind and each one lodges in his throat, threatening to choke him. Baekhyun waiting for him at the end of one of his long solo practices, holding a water bottle and a towel to go with his mild scolding for Minseok not to hurt himself practicing so much, he’s already one of their best dancers. Baekhyun’s laugh-the bright, sparkling laugh he can hear even through the walls-when he sends him a happy birthday text consisting of a few words and hundreds of emoticons. Baekhyun holding Minseok, rocking him slightly as he listens to the words spilling out of him, harsh and cutting, the words Minseok uses to remind himself that he’s not good enough, will never be good enough, will never be enough for anyone to love.
Minseok can’t imagine never having Baekhyun hold him like that again, never having Baekhyun remind him that he is kind and honest and brave, that he is more than enough for anyone to love, that anyone would be lucky to have his love. He can’t imagine never again hearing Baekhyun’s laugh when he tells a terrible joke or seeing Baekhyun’s brilliant smile directed only at him when they high-five after a performance.
He can’t imagine it and he wonders if this, this feeling, is heartbreak.
He composes hundreds of texts-some angry, some sad, some simply desperate-and doesn’t send a single one. He types Baekhyun’s number in his phone but can never bring himself to call, writes out lengthy e-mails full of hurt and words like “betrayal,” “friendship,” and “why” that he quickly deletes.
He imagines the conversation a thousand different ways in his head. In some versions, Baekhyun breaks down, sobbing that he never meant to hurt Minseok, he was just jealous or afraid that Minseok wouldn’t want to be friends with him anymore. In others it’s Minseok who’s begging, pleading with Baekhyun to just speak to him, to act like he still exists, because Baekhyun’s one of the only people who ever saw through the layers of make-believe Minseok wraps around himself like armor, who ever wanted to know what lay beneath the lies Minseok tells to everyone, and mostly to himself.
What he never expected is for Baekhyun to come to him first.
He stops him one day after practice, grabbing Minseok’s arm and pulling him back into the practice room so it’s just the two of them, silence hanging thick and heavy in the air.
“Minseok,” Baekhyun says softly, and Minseok nearly forgives him right there. “I’m so sorry.”
“For what?” Minseok says with a lightness in his voice that he doesn’t feel. At this point lying feels so much more real than the truth.
“I’m so, so sorry,” Baekhyun repeats, and his eyes are sparkling a bit too brightly but not a single tear escapes. “I just…when you told me about Luhan I couldn’t-”
“Couldn’t what?” Minseok asks harshly, and suddenly he wants to tell the truth, he can’t handle any more pretending. Because this is Baekhyun, the one person he’s never had to pretend for. The person he wanted to always be there for him, to ask him how he was doing and actually mean it, to listen to him when he’s tired and make him laugh when he’s sad. And he wanted to always be there for Baekhyun, to remind him that he’s not alone, that someone cares whether he’s happy or sad, someone knows that Baekhyun doesn’t like olives on his pizza and that he wanted to be a math teacher before he realized how much singing felt like flying. “Couldn’t handle the fact that I’m gay? I’m sorry I’m so disgusting to you, but you could have at least told me why if you were going to suddenly stop talking to me and start pretending I don’t exist.”
Baekhyun winces like he’s been slapped and Minseok immediately regrets what he’s said. But there’s nothing he can do about it now, no way to take the words back. And he doesn’t want to. He thought Baekhyun wanted to know the real him. Well, here he is.
“Minseok,” Baekhyun says, and this time his voice is stronger. “That’s not why I started avoiding you-”
“Then why, Baekhyun?” Minseok asks, and he hates how desperate his voice sounds, how much the words sound like a plea. “Why did you do it? I thought you were my best friend, I thought you were always going to be there for me. And then you weren’t.”
“That’s exactly why,” Baekhyun says, and his voice is sad, so sad that Minseok’s own heart aches a bit in solidarity. “Because I don’t want to just be your best friend, Minseok.”
“What do you mean?” Minseok asks, because this doesn’t make any sense and yet it suddenly makes perfect sense and the same words are swirling around and around in his head. To be someone else’s everything.
“It’s better this way,” Baekhyun says, and when he walks out of the room Minseok feels almost like he’s still there, can still feel his warm breath on his skin, hear his soft voice repeating those words over and over. Someone else’s everything.
Everything.
He wants to talk to Baekhyun, to say something, anything, but M and K have separate photoshoots, M representing the cool purity of winter and K representing the smooth beauty of summer or something equally ridiculous.
“Hey, Minseok, what are you doing?” Jongdae yells from the other side of the dressing room. “Hurry up, we’re supposed to be dressed already!”
Yixing and Luhan giggle through the whole shoot, poking each other and telling lame jokes that the camera crew find hilarious and Minseok simply finds annoying.
“I know this is usually what I tell Wu Fan,” their manager yells from the cameraman’s side, “but you need to loosen up, Minseok! Smile more!”
So Minseok smiles, gives them Xiumin’s perfect mix of cute and bold, leans happily against Luhan when they tell him to, slinging an arm around his neck and pretending that this is normal, that this is what he wants. Luhan exchanges a look with Yixing that sends both of them into gales of laughter and they have to set up the shot all over again, and this time Minseok’s smile is just a little tighter, mouth just a little more rigid.
He hates pretending.
“Baekhyun.”
This time it’s Minseok’s turn to grab Baekhyun’s arm, dragging him away from Tao’s questioning looks and Jumyeon’s worried glances.
“What?” Baekhyun asks shortly, and he hasn’t spoken to Minseok directly since the last time they were alone and Minseok hates it, hates the silence and sadness where there used to be easy camaraderie, simple happiness.
“Baekhyun, are you in love with me?” And Minseok doesn’t mean to be cruel, he just has to know because he’s not really sure he knows what love is anymore but he thinks Baekhyun is the closest he can come to understanding.
“Yes, Minseok,” Baekhyun spits, and his eyes are cold. “Are you happy now? I love you. I’ve loved you for years. But you don’t have to pretend you feel the same way, you told me how you felt about Luhan and I’m fine with that, I know that’s what you’re best at-pretending-but I swear I will kill you if you try to pretend with me, try to take advantage of the way I feel-”
But he doesn’t get to finish because Minseok has grabbed the front of his shirt roughly and pulled them together, so close he can feel the beating of Baekhyun’s heart, and then he’s kissing him, pressing his lips against Baekhyun’s and maybe this is love but his heart feels like it’s about to burst.
Baekhyun is still at first, but once the shock wears off he begins to try to push Minseok away, placing two hands on his chest and shoving as hard as he can.
“Stop it,” he says angrily, and Minseok thinks he can see tears shining in his eyes. “I told you not to do this, don’t do this to me. I hate when you pretend.”
“Baekhyun,” Minseok says, closing the distance between them again and cupping Baekhyun’s face in his hands and maybe it’s Minseok who’s tearing up but the world is suddenly very misty and unsteady. “I want to be your everything.”
Baekhyun looks at him, lips trembling slightly, and Minseok uses a thumb to brush away the few stray tears that manage to slip past Baekhyun’s inhibitions and his fear and Minseok knows Baekhyun is so much stronger than he is and he loves that, he loves Baekhyun.
“I’ve always wanted to be your everything.”
And then Baekhyun is throwing his arms around Minseok’s neck and pulling their mouths together and Minseok feels like he’s flying and for the first time in a long time he feels like this is his life, all his, and he never wants to give this up.
“I love you,” Baekhyun says, pulling back, wonder coloring his voice as if he almost can’t believe this is happening.
“I’ve never been able to pretend with you,” Minseok says, pulling him forward and kissing him again and again.
And it doesn’t matter that it’s getting late and the other members will be wondering where they are because Baekhyun is here, warm and pliant under his hands, and Minseok doesn’t have to pretend anymore because Baekhyun loves him, not Xiumin, not the shield he’s erected around himself to prevent anyone from getting close.
And it doesn’t matter that this is going to be difficult, it doesn’t matter that Baekhyun broke his heart, because Baekhyun is in every breath Minseok takes, and he’s taken Minseok apart and put him back together in a way that makes him feel more like a whole person than a cardboard cutout with a pretty face.
“You can be my everything,” Baekhyun whispers against his lips and Minseok pulls him even closer, holds him even tighter.
Everything. It’s a lovely word.
And always. Minseok likes that one too.