This entry is a rant about life. Move on.
Because almost everyone in my f-list here and in Multiply is writing about their post-graduation woes, I might as well finish the obligatory where-art-thou-heading-next? post.
...
Exactly. I myself don't know yet. And while I get news of my friends getting accepted to work for big firms and some already earning and living on their own, I am still here, stuck as where to go and what to do next. I guess years of wrong turns and bad decisions eventually led me to this: ripping my hair out choosing between what I want to do and what I should do. The options have already been reduced to two, actually, or one if my parents will have the final say on it:
a.) go to UP law school OR NOTHING
b.) get a second degree *coughinteriordesigncough*
It pains me more to know that the most likely choice in the end would be a.) because it will satisfy a lot of factors mainly my relationship with my immediate family and in the end will give me the stable, a bit more fortunate life that every human being craves for in this friggin planet. To put it simply, I'll be learning and working for money which- after a considerable amount of time deliberating- I think is not that bad since 10 years from now, I, too, would want to have my own house and my own car. And I won't have to feel bad because when we have our reunioun, I won't cry out of envy because my former classmates are bragging talking about their investments and other shiz.
But who am I kidding? "Lawyer" was never even considered in my Plan Z list of possible careers. And that list included being a farmer and a tibetan nun too.
I keep on coming back to the adage that if you love your job, you wouldn't have to work even for a single day in your life. Or something. It makes me ask myself, do I really want to do this? Do I really want to pursue law? Who am I trying to please? Is this the right time to step up and for once take control of my life? Am I living for myself or for the unfulfilled dreams of others? Will I have enough motivation to finish this? Does this mean that I have to push myself to do something I never really liked or have never even dreamt of liking until I retire? Will my life be reduced to this?
If it still isn't obvious, FOR NOW, I hate law. I hate law school. It is not my wholehearted decision to pursue whatever shit those power tripping bastards in San Beda/UP/Ateneo want to push down my throat. But I have to do it. Because this is what is good for me. Because this is what is expected of me. Because it will lead to a more stable life for me. Because only having a B.A in English won't buy me that dream car that I've fallen in love with. Because taking a second degree means that all I'd worked for for the last five years will all go down the drain. Because I'm not getting any younger. Because maybe, someday, while I'm sitting on my plush chair behind a mahogany table in an airconditioned room somewhere in that buidling beside PGH, I'll look back and have no regrets with my decision to further torture myself for four more years.
But will I be happy?
I don't know... I couldn't see that much into the future. I told you, I'm still confused.
I am forever waiting for that PLDT commercial moment to materialize for me. That part where this college student confesses to his father that he finally shifted to Fine Arts and that he never really wanted to become a doctor. I think I'll break down too if I hear my parents say "kung saan ka masaya, suportahan taka" (lit. wherever you'll be happy, [I'll] support you).
Yet... in this competitive and materialistic world, can my parents really afford to say those words? Do I hold the privilege to say those lines?...
God, now I wish that I didn't wish that I want to grow up soon.
...
Exactly. I myself don't know yet. And while I get news of my friends getting accepted to work for big firms and some already earning and living on their own, I am still here, stuck as where to go and what to do next. I guess years of wrong turns and bad decisions eventually led me to this: ripping my hair out choosing between what I want to do and what I should do. The options have already been reduced to two, actually, or one if my parents will have the final say on it:
a.) go to UP law school OR NOTHING
b.) get a second degree *coughinteriordesigncough*
It pains me more to know that the most likely choice in the end would be a.) because it will satisfy a lot of factors mainly my relationship with my immediate family and in the end will give me the stable, a bit more fortunate life that every human being craves for in this friggin planet. To put it simply, I'll be learning and working for money which- after a considerable amount of time deliberating- I think is not that bad since 10 years from now, I, too, would want to have my own house and my own car. And I won't have to feel bad because when we have our reunioun, I won't cry out of envy because my former classmates are bragging talking about their investments and other shiz.
But who am I kidding? "Lawyer" was never even considered in my Plan Z list of possible careers. And that list included being a farmer and a tibetan nun too.
I keep on coming back to the adage that if you love your job, you wouldn't have to work even for a single day in your life. Or something. It makes me ask myself, do I really want to do this? Do I really want to pursue law? Who am I trying to please? Is this the right time to step up and for once take control of my life? Am I living for myself or for the unfulfilled dreams of others? Will I have enough motivation to finish this? Does this mean that I have to push myself to do something I never really liked or have never even dreamt of liking until I retire? Will my life be reduced to this?
If it still isn't obvious, FOR NOW, I hate law. I hate law school. It is not my wholehearted decision to pursue whatever shit those power tripping bastards in San Beda/UP/Ateneo want to push down my throat. But I have to do it. Because this is what is good for me. Because this is what is expected of me. Because it will lead to a more stable life for me. Because only having a B.A in English won't buy me that dream car that I've fallen in love with. Because taking a second degree means that all I'd worked for for the last five years will all go down the drain. Because I'm not getting any younger. Because maybe, someday, while I'm sitting on my plush chair behind a mahogany table in an airconditioned room somewhere in that buidling beside PGH, I'll look back and have no regrets with my decision to further torture myself for four more years.
But will I be happy?
I don't know... I couldn't see that much into the future. I told you, I'm still confused.
I am forever waiting for that PLDT commercial moment to materialize for me. That part where this college student confesses to his father that he finally shifted to Fine Arts and that he never really wanted to become a doctor. I think I'll break down too if I hear my parents say "kung saan ka masaya, suportahan taka" (lit. wherever you'll be happy, [I'll] support you).
Yet... in this competitive and materialistic world, can my parents really afford to say those words? Do I hold the privilege to say those lines?...
God, now I wish that I didn't wish that I want to grow up soon.