:::this restless, reckless slow dance with reckless, restless romance:::
this is how you do sexy.
i love this bitch.
i cant get out of this emotional rut. one moment i feel feel better and then i return to the same introverted state a second later. the moments of feeling better are getting fewer and further between. i know im pushing people that i care about away. i literally can not help it right now. to those who still care: im sorry.
{note to self: remain mentally strong.}
i keep thinking im dying. i've had to stop walking the dog at night because whenever i hear the trains when im by myself it makes my anxiety rocket, and my whole dying thing is intensified.
i miss my brother. i found out 2 weeks ago that hes gunna be deployed. im scared about the fact that hes going to afghanistan at the end of december and theres nothing i can do about it. on tuesday my sociology teacher was talking about one of his past students who went to iraq. i almost started crying bc i hate the fact that my brother will have to kill somebody. they say the things you fear you manifest into your life. since i was little this was one of my fears. i dont know where it came from. its so stupid.
i pick my classes next week. thankfully theres something i can control in life.
control is good.
hopelessly hopeful.
i hate sympathy. i dont like feeling sorry for myself. life is hard for almost everyone. example: in speech some kid talked about some heart condition he had. he said it was the first time he ever talked about it to people since hes had it. the condition was named after him bc hes the first of his kind. he then went onto tell us about his life expectancy, he said his drs. said he would be lucky if he made it to 30. i dont know how he told people that without crying. it made me feel bad.
this year was the first year where i did something my whole weekend for halloween and dressed up for it. unfortunately i was mentally elsewhere and i couldnt fully enjoy it.
this mind needs to have a stop button.
♥
[pee. ess. my 22nd birthday is in less then 2 weeks.
my minds trying to come up with ideas for it.]