Umbra Nihili (Without Shadow)....
There are times where I feel like I’ve become invisible. Not that I’ve obtained transparency of any sort. Just the kind of invisibility where others don’t even subconsciously recognize the fact that I am there.
Many years ago in the Before Time, I was sitting with a group of friends, bullshitting the night away. During the course of the evening, I would venture from the living room floor and use the facilities or grab another drink or whatever. Almost invariably, I would switch to another location on the living room floor. At one point, one of the guys chirped up and asked where I had wandered off too, thinking that I had gone home or something. When he did this, I was sitting next to him and he damn near jumped out of his skin when he realized that I was still there.
I earned the nickname “Telekinesis” from him that evening. (For those of you who know my last name, this becomes painfully apparent on how fitting this is).
I think that I’ve come to some sort of conclusion concerning this “invisibility” of mine. I am beginning to think (and feel) that this is a manifestation of Wall in this reality.
Wall was created many many years ago after the Incident with my real father. I remember in the Dreaming of building this Wall to protect me, to shelter me, and to keep me away from the pain. No doors, no windows, no entrance or exit of any kind. A singular, circular wall that surrounds me and moves ever upwards.
Over the course of many years of building, Wall has become an Entity of my psyche. He is base in nature, using whatever tactic necessary to protect me from whatever is perceived as Hurt and Harm. Before, He went on his previous instructions of just protecting. His new instructions are to only help when I ask. But I think that he has been devilish enough to find other ways of overriding this new set of instructions.
My feeling is that Wall has always had this “cloaking technology” in his arsenal. I have only become recently aware of this tactic. See, as of late, I’ve been actually meeting people, Human and Fae, alike. People that I find myself comfortable around. Experience has taught Wall that being too comfortable is a sure fire way of getting really Hurt. Hence, Wall does what He does best….
Think of Wall this way. You are surrounded by a two-way mirror. You can look out, yet nobody can look in. That is sorta how it feels when I am “invisible.” I can communicate, make direct physical contact, and look someone directly in the eyes, yet it feels like there isn’t even a blip on the radar screen.
Maybe part of the reason that Wall is doing this is because lately, I’ve also been feeling the Hermit side of me wanting to take on His role again. Aside from the Humans that I find myself comfortable around, the Rest of Them irritate me to no end. I feel myself wanting to withdraw again. I’ve long since given up on trying to understand Them. I’m just tired of seeing the stupidity and arrogance. The deceptions and the lies.
I know that I’ve posted this part of the Hermit before but I’m going to do it again because it helps me to understand this part of myself and my stream of thought at this moment.
You are the Hermit card.
- The Hermit has chosen a solitary spiritual path.
- He shines light on his inner self and, by this means, gains wisdom.
- The Hermit's home is the natural world and it is by being in tune with that world that he learns the laws of nature and learns how they operate within himself.
- His path is a lonely one as he lives in silence and has for companionship only his own internal rhythms. But those crossing his path are touched by his light and wisdom.
- Though often alone, he manages nevertheless to instruct those who meet him and guides those who chose to follow him on a path towards enlightenment.
http://www.aeclectic.net/tarot/thoth/
Whoops….got distracted. Was looking up something about the Fae and was caught up in the stories for a bit. Seems that I’ve met a Pixie in my roaming around here in town.
Anywho. To continue on my thoughts about The Hermit. Now, for me to be anywhere or anything is a state of mind, not a state of place. I can become a Hermit amidst a crowd of people as easily as my ancestors withdrew into the forests to achieve the same purpose. And by my having thought about becoming a Hermit again seems to have given Wall permission to employ his strategies to accomplish this “goal.”
My thoughts about being the Hermit have been confusing. I am still finding myself at once both comfortable and uneasy. (oh gawds, starting to loose the words for what I am feeling at this moment….they are there, just all mumbled up). Being a Hermit has become second-nature for me since the Incident and while at times, I find solace in that state of being, there are other times where I could just shed that Role completely and forever. The last few weeks have been a blessing in that I didn’t have to take on the Hermit.
But Humanity still has a way of pissing me off that makes me want to retreat into that state of being again. And Wall feels that it is necessary to cloak me in order to make that happen. There are times where I do need to be shielded from stuff, where I don’t need to be seen or heard. But there are times where I find it an absolute chore to get Wall to take down the shield and let me be heard, seen and felt.
I think I am finally getting a handle on it.
Many years ago in the Before Time, I was sitting with a group of friends, bullshitting the night away. During the course of the evening, I would venture from the living room floor and use the facilities or grab another drink or whatever. Almost invariably, I would switch to another location on the living room floor. At one point, one of the guys chirped up and asked where I had wandered off too, thinking that I had gone home or something. When he did this, I was sitting next to him and he damn near jumped out of his skin when he realized that I was still there.
I earned the nickname “Telekinesis” from him that evening. (For those of you who know my last name, this becomes painfully apparent on how fitting this is).
I think that I’ve come to some sort of conclusion concerning this “invisibility” of mine. I am beginning to think (and feel) that this is a manifestation of Wall in this reality.
Wall was created many many years ago after the Incident with my real father. I remember in the Dreaming of building this Wall to protect me, to shelter me, and to keep me away from the pain. No doors, no windows, no entrance or exit of any kind. A singular, circular wall that surrounds me and moves ever upwards.
Over the course of many years of building, Wall has become an Entity of my psyche. He is base in nature, using whatever tactic necessary to protect me from whatever is perceived as Hurt and Harm. Before, He went on his previous instructions of just protecting. His new instructions are to only help when I ask. But I think that he has been devilish enough to find other ways of overriding this new set of instructions.
My feeling is that Wall has always had this “cloaking technology” in his arsenal. I have only become recently aware of this tactic. See, as of late, I’ve been actually meeting people, Human and Fae, alike. People that I find myself comfortable around. Experience has taught Wall that being too comfortable is a sure fire way of getting really Hurt. Hence, Wall does what He does best….
Think of Wall this way. You are surrounded by a two-way mirror. You can look out, yet nobody can look in. That is sorta how it feels when I am “invisible.” I can communicate, make direct physical contact, and look someone directly in the eyes, yet it feels like there isn’t even a blip on the radar screen.
Maybe part of the reason that Wall is doing this is because lately, I’ve also been feeling the Hermit side of me wanting to take on His role again. Aside from the Humans that I find myself comfortable around, the Rest of Them irritate me to no end. I feel myself wanting to withdraw again. I’ve long since given up on trying to understand Them. I’m just tired of seeing the stupidity and arrogance. The deceptions and the lies.
I know that I’ve posted this part of the Hermit before but I’m going to do it again because it helps me to understand this part of myself and my stream of thought at this moment.
You are the Hermit card.
- The Hermit has chosen a solitary spiritual path.
- He shines light on his inner self and, by this means, gains wisdom.
- The Hermit's home is the natural world and it is by being in tune with that world that he learns the laws of nature and learns how they operate within himself.
- His path is a lonely one as he lives in silence and has for companionship only his own internal rhythms. But those crossing his path are touched by his light and wisdom.
- Though often alone, he manages nevertheless to instruct those who meet him and guides those who chose to follow him on a path towards enlightenment.
http://www.aeclectic.net/tarot/thoth/
Whoops….got distracted. Was looking up something about the Fae and was caught up in the stories for a bit. Seems that I’ve met a Pixie in my roaming around here in town.
Anywho. To continue on my thoughts about The Hermit. Now, for me to be anywhere or anything is a state of mind, not a state of place. I can become a Hermit amidst a crowd of people as easily as my ancestors withdrew into the forests to achieve the same purpose. And by my having thought about becoming a Hermit again seems to have given Wall permission to employ his strategies to accomplish this “goal.”
My thoughts about being the Hermit have been confusing. I am still finding myself at once both comfortable and uneasy. (oh gawds, starting to loose the words for what I am feeling at this moment….they are there, just all mumbled up). Being a Hermit has become second-nature for me since the Incident and while at times, I find solace in that state of being, there are other times where I could just shed that Role completely and forever. The last few weeks have been a blessing in that I didn’t have to take on the Hermit.
But Humanity still has a way of pissing me off that makes me want to retreat into that state of being again. And Wall feels that it is necessary to cloak me in order to make that happen. There are times where I do need to be shielded from stuff, where I don’t need to be seen or heard. But there are times where I find it an absolute chore to get Wall to take down the shield and let me be heard, seen and felt.
I think I am finally getting a handle on it.