If beers were operating systems
DOS Beer
Requires you to use your own canopener, and requires you to read the directions carefully beforeopening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes ina 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz.each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued,although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's nolonger available.
Mac Beer
Atfirst, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can.Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical.When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredientslist is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, youare told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side remindsyou to drag your empties to the trashcan.
Windows 3.1 Beer
Onceconsidered the world's most popular beer. Comes in a 16-oz. can thatlooks a lot like Mac Beers. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer.Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously,but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly,especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the sametime. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer willexplode when you open it.
OS/2 Beer
Comesin a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beerssimultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneouslytoo, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode whenyou open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyonedrinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International BeerManufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.
Windows 95 Beer
Thecan looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans onlyhave 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinkingWindows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say theylike it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, hassome of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though themanufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.
Windows NT Beer
Comesin 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causesmost people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The canlooks just like Windows 95 Beer. Touted as an "industrial strength"beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
Windows 98 Beer
Millionssampled Windows95 beer and noticed that it was often flat, right out ofthe can. The manufacturer of Windows95 beer decided to re-release it asWindows98 beer and guarantee it's freshness. Most consumers areskeptical of the manufacturer's claims, and will continue to drink flatWindows95 beer because they have acquired the taste for it.
Windows 2000 Beer
Themanufacturer of the Windows line of beers says this will be "the" beer,if they can just finish playing with the ingredients. This beer willhave many ingredients of Windows 95/98 and NT beers. Many drinkers inthe future will be forced to drink this when they get thirsty sincethey won't be able to find Windows 95 or 98 or NT beer on the shelves.According to manufacturer it's combines the greatest taste ever withalmost no calories. Only one problem, the cans explode without warningand take out half the refrigerator with them.
Unix Beer
Comesin several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz.Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though theyclaim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimesthe pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to haveyour own can opener around for those occasions, in which case youeither need a complete set of instructions or a friend who has beendrinking Unix Beer for several years.
Linux Beer
LINUXbeer tastes just like Unix beer. Like Unix beer, Linux beer is intendedfor expert beer drinkers only. It originally had no pop tops or cansbecause you had to brew it yourself. First you would get a recipe andsome yeast from a Unix guru. Then go plow a field, plant your barleyand hops. After harvest you would take your Kernels and put them into abarrel full of water, then you just add your yeast close the lid, andlet your beer compile. After all this you have what experts claim to beone of the Worlds Best Beers. Linux beers do not normally explode butmany brewers have been known to. Linux beer is now available from someMicro Brewerys in handy pop top versions for easy drinking by beginnerUnix or Linux beer drinkers. Keep your can openers handy.
AmigaDOS Beer
Thecompany has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked upby some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. Thisbeer never really sold very well because the original manufacturerdidn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are anextremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, butnow comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced,it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed muchover the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claimthat it is only meant for watching TV anyway.
VMS Beer
Requiresminimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping.However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or containextremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressuredevelopment environments. When you call the manufacturer for the listof ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and referred to anunknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are thatthis was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as atranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.
Requires you to use your own canopener, and requires you to read the directions carefully beforeopening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes ina 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz.each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued,although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's nolonger available.
Mac Beer
Atfirst, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can.Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical.When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredientslist is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, youare told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side remindsyou to drag your empties to the trashcan.
Windows 3.1 Beer
Onceconsidered the world's most popular beer. Comes in a 16-oz. can thatlooks a lot like Mac Beers. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer.Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously,but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly,especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the sametime. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer willexplode when you open it.
OS/2 Beer
Comesin a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beerssimultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneouslytoo, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode whenyou open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyonedrinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International BeerManufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.
Windows 95 Beer
Thecan looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans onlyhave 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinkingWindows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say theylike it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, hassome of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though themanufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.
Windows NT Beer
Comesin 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causesmost people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The canlooks just like Windows 95 Beer. Touted as an "industrial strength"beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
Windows 98 Beer
Millionssampled Windows95 beer and noticed that it was often flat, right out ofthe can. The manufacturer of Windows95 beer decided to re-release it asWindows98 beer and guarantee it's freshness. Most consumers areskeptical of the manufacturer's claims, and will continue to drink flatWindows95 beer because they have acquired the taste for it.
Windows 2000 Beer
Themanufacturer of the Windows line of beers says this will be "the" beer,if they can just finish playing with the ingredients. This beer willhave many ingredients of Windows 95/98 and NT beers. Many drinkers inthe future will be forced to drink this when they get thirsty sincethey won't be able to find Windows 95 or 98 or NT beer on the shelves.According to manufacturer it's combines the greatest taste ever withalmost no calories. Only one problem, the cans explode without warningand take out half the refrigerator with them.
Unix Beer
Comesin several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz.Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though theyclaim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimesthe pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to haveyour own can opener around for those occasions, in which case youeither need a complete set of instructions or a friend who has beendrinking Unix Beer for several years.
Linux Beer
LINUXbeer tastes just like Unix beer. Like Unix beer, Linux beer is intendedfor expert beer drinkers only. It originally had no pop tops or cansbecause you had to brew it yourself. First you would get a recipe andsome yeast from a Unix guru. Then go plow a field, plant your barleyand hops. After harvest you would take your Kernels and put them into abarrel full of water, then you just add your yeast close the lid, andlet your beer compile. After all this you have what experts claim to beone of the Worlds Best Beers. Linux beers do not normally explode butmany brewers have been known to. Linux beer is now available from someMicro Brewerys in handy pop top versions for easy drinking by beginnerUnix or Linux beer drinkers. Keep your can openers handy.
AmigaDOS Beer
Thecompany has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked upby some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. Thisbeer never really sold very well because the original manufacturerdidn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are anextremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, butnow comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced,it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed muchover the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claimthat it is only meant for watching TV anyway.
VMS Beer
Requiresminimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping.However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or containextremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressuredevelopment environments. When you call the manufacturer for the listof ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and referred to anunknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are thatthis was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as atranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.