but where am i?
i dont know who i am, what i want, where im going......i dont know who to love, who to hate, every decision i make is told to me to be wrong.....what do i do? sometimes i get so overwhelmed i just want to start cutting again, like the old days, when it felt so good to pull back my sleeve and make a slit in my arm and delve in how releiving it felt...i must admit i did it again, i dont know, i guess that thought will always be there.....i dont know, all i do is cry, is something wrong with me, im finally standing up for myself and saying what im feeling and when im mad, instead of letting people walk all over me, but it turns out not to be working, i thought it was supposed to make me feel better, to take resposibility for myself, and what i want, instead of doing what everyone else wants......what do i do, im making everyone elses life a living hell(oddly enough except for my parents)(and im sorry sean) i dont understand i dont know who loves me, and i repeat i dont know who i should love........things are going great, or should be, i have the freedomm to do what i want, i have straight a's, im not fighting with the parentals, the cops haven't come to my house in ages, thank god......whats going on, maybe the grass isnt greener on the other side, maybe no matter how good or bad you do, your still unhappy...maybe thats it? please help me, sometimes i feel the only way to get rid of it is to leave, let my soul drift past me in a rage of happiness...and sean, if your reading this, no, its not a moodswing, i cant pretend anymore, thats all ive done throughout life, when im depresssed i pretend and put on a happy face, knowone knew i wanted to die a few years ago wehn i attempted it, because i dont feel i should burden anyone with my problems or feelings, or questions, but i m doing what i was told now, talking to other people, getting it out, what is going wrong? OH WELL, I GUESS THIS WAS A WASTE OF TIME, ILL JUST HIDE THE UNHAPINESS AGAIN, AND GO BYE, I DONT THINK I COULD DISSAPOINT MY PARENTS BY ATTEMPTING AGAIN, THEY LOVE ME TOO MUCH, AND IM NOT THAT SELISH......ILL JUST KEEP ON LIVIN WITH WHAT EVER IM MEANT TO DO, WHATEVER IT MAY BE, IM SORRY OR THE RANT...I LOVE YOU ALL AND THANK YOU FOR HAVIING THE COURTESY TO LISTEN.....BYE.:[