XXXI.

[cerealboy66]

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For the past few days, my head's been in a funk; some things are just to difficult not to think about. I looked around the campus today, watching the children, noticing their bizarre interests, fascination with the most simple things, not yet able to see the lackluster of the environment. Due to a lack of brain development, they can't quite comprehend the atrocity of stretch marks, acne, cellulite, thin hair, and wrinkles. They don't yet understand sagging breasts, love handles, eye bags, swollen ankles, spider veins, cancers, diseases. Their bodies are nearly always perfectly shaped, perfectly young, untouched displays of beauty. I find their naivety to be captivating, they're always so easily amused, curious, yet fearful of everything unfamiliar. They do not look at women, studying their breasts, and hips, the size of their legs, the equality of their proportions. The children do not worry, they do not over-analyze, they do not even know how to love, they only know how to imitate a mother's love; they have not yet unveiled that love of their own. --Not yet discovered a passion, a lust, a separate
trust of their own for some neighbor's daughter, for some prom date, spouse, or that high-school sweetheart. I realized I miss that! I long for that feeling, that naivety. I yearn for the unloving virgin child in myself. There's no way to relinquish wisdom, no reversal for unwanted knowledge. There's little mystery, most of which is heavily guarded by authority. The authority is always prohibiting you from opening the door, not even a peak.
And so your entire life you're just told about people that have opened the door only to be petrified by a metaphorical Medusa-like fate. This unexplored innate knowledge is protecting you.

I believe psychedelics to be a fortuitous symbol of the apple from the tree of knowledge; it's this knowledge that's preventing you from experiencing from what no other human being was ordained the opportunity to have. It's these type of events that dictate the fulfillment in our lives, our finite lives! My brain has been permanently altered from the use of psychedelics; symbolizing the admonishment from the garden of eden, the sanctuary of ignorance, the commonplace, the reality we must succumb to. I have reached higher places than authority has wanted to me to reach, I have seen much more than the public intended me to see, I have gone far beyond the limits of which I was begged to stop. Each mind-mashing revolutionary decision I've made in my day-to-day experiences have created this identity of which I have fabricated. It is Earthly substances, that have intrigued me with this feeling of divinity, this sensation of majesty.

And yet I am not young; I still feel fresh. I feel the softness of her face. I drift in it, and note that it feels the way a woman's face should feel. She's soft the way a woman should be soft, and I love it. I can feel my lustful desires never quite satisfied, the way a healthy youth should be, always almost there, always acclimating to the peak of sexual ecstasy but rarely reaching it, but when it does happen, unexpectedly, I can feel love dripping, sticking, drying on my flesh. I can feel the expulsion of life streaming outside my body, evaporating in heated air, air that smells the way we do; air that smells the way she does.

It feels the way it should feel, and makes me happy the way I should be. And then it's silent, one, two seconds go by, and then panting, panting like I escaped from a near-death experience, panting like I traveled the world hunting down the love of my life, relief that I found her. relief that is so superfluous it makes one wonder how such sensation is possible without payment, without penalty. Careless, like a child without consequences, free of the society, the people, the town that holds us down. Free to forget the grind of atrocities that make up the bulk of our almost menial lives! For just a few moments, it makes me feel above everything, higher than the highest of highs, indulgence beyond the greatest unit of measurement, more powerful than the most negative of experiences. but time goes by, and then we're reminded of the equal exchange of the realm; we're reminded of the balance of nature, and the limits of indulgence, the entrance to oblivion. The natural forces of the universe counteract, and then within that expulsion of life, and moments of sheer ecstasy, there are consequences.

There's some food for thought.