(no subject)
I’m a loser. I’ve come to accept that. I’m a bad friend. A liar. A backstabber. A well-rounded mean person. I don’t know why either. Its like I've completely lost touch with reality. My friends are annoyed by me. People that really don’t know me are annoyed by me. And people that just meet me are annoyed by me. Its like, “Brian, duh, are you retarded?”
I know I'm paranoid.
I know I’m spastic.
I know I’m annoying.
I know I talk too much.
I know I don’t talk enough.
And for Gods sake, I cant even make guys like me. I know I shouldn’t try to make them like me but I feel like I’m such a boring person that I need to show off or something. It’s pathetic! I annoy myself. I piss myself off.
I really really wish that one day I wont have to try anymore, that everything will just be like a rush of air. Something that won’t even affect me. I’ll be so use to it that I wont even have to feel it anymore. I hope to be the most unfeeling person ever to walk the planet.
I really do wish I wasn’t so spastic or annoying or paranoid… I really do! But whatever. Life sucks. Shit happens. I need to take my own advice. I need to just forget about people. All of them. Just all people in general. I don’t need MORE friends or MORE heartbreaks. I really don’t. I’m only 18 and I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus. And I bet I even look like I’ve been hit by a bus.
I’m not even remotely attractive. My personality LACKS so much. People hate me, and I see why. Who wants to have anything to do with a fat, spastic, paranoid, narcissistic bitch? I wouldn’t. I’m too sensitive. I take things too literally. I’m completely overweight. Is this why I need antidepressants and a psychiatrist? Is this why my parents wanted me in a hospital? I’m sure it is. Look at what I do to myself. And right now, I definitely feel like I’m writing this for attention. I’m hard on myself. I make myself feel like shit and I blame other people for it. (example: mike hills called me fat and annoying. Well, I wouldn’t stop talking about it. I would tell all my friends. I would harp on it constantly and that would make me feel like shit all the time.) Now look, I’m analyzing myself. Don’t only crazy people do that? And I’m beginning to think that I’m a hypochondriac. I diagnose myself. I try to make excuses for my flaws. Is that healthy?