[Amrit - June 6, 2009] I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings
“There’s … well. I want to do a thing.”
The neonate explained her desire, and her intent. She explained why the Warminster does not wish her to fulfill her desire, though I doubt she told me all of it. She explained why she intends to defy his wishes regardless of his objections. She explained the play, the participant, and her need for my help.
I decided to comply with her request. I will not deny that it suits my purposes quite neatly.
“Don’t tell Simon,” she whispered earnestly.
“Baroness, do you think me an idiot? You just said he doesn’t want you doing this. Why would I tell him?”
…At least beforehand. Better to seek forgiveness, even when forgiveness is not what one actually cares to get.
He is right, of course. This will change her, and it will spoil her soul. I have seen Marie’s work, and the results. But he is trying to save her. I remember what he said to me about his relationship with the Baroness. I heard the words he did not say. He does not ever wish her to change; he wishes her to remain a Maiden all her days. I do not believe him to be a selfish creature, but his forbidding her this skill is a selfish act. He will lose his conscience, otherwise. He will lose that which he feels ties him to humanity. The one thing he knows he wants from her may then be gone. But in this, it would be her choice. I respect him, but I will not allow him to take this woman’s choice away from her. And I do not think he sees that this is far better than the alternative. An alternative that is just around the corner, now that Aleksandyr is dead and Vendetta is on Bella’s tongue as well as Felipe’s. This world and its nights will spiral further down, the blood will run freely, and she will not be safe from it. She cannot be saved from it. So it was with Marie, so it will be with Audra. One side or another would control her actions and reactions; it is better to be on the side of control when the events and their results are inevitable.
The female of the species is more deadly than the male.
She came to me when it happened. We began with tea, whilst I let her impatience war with her propriety. I watched the quiet flurry of anxiety, of anger, of concern, of grief and of fear. I watched her reason out the proceedings, consider implications and courses of actions, and listened and spoke when she sought advice. She can appreciate patience, but she does not want it. I saw the grief and fear buried beneath the impulse for thought and action.
But it is not gone. I saw it again last evening, when she asked me to help her, and when she spoke of her grandsire and her worry for what is the tattered and vicious and wounded remains of her family. And, very soon, I will help her with that grief….
Soon. Now, the City calls to me, and my Sire stands upon a dais with an Oath in his hands and demands on his lips. I refuse him, as I have done many times before - but the City bows to his command, and I do not walk away unscathed. In fact, I cannot walk away at all.
It is with me now; he was whispering in my ear while monsters both great and small fell into madness around me, taking me with them. I felt little aside from my desire to establish my dominance over these mewling creatures. The slightest hint of impertinence was more than irritating, and I found my usual serenity fled from the night. They would know me for the villain that I am. It does not matter that I do not rule in this city: they will fear me, if they do not already. Pure and crystalline ecstasy filled me at the sound of my claws rending the tender flesh of a too-arrogant little Carthian. A hunger burned in my gut. From moment to moment, faces devolved into snarling contortions of rage and lust, and I found myself surrounded by the most beautiful scene I have ever witnessed. Uncontroled, unrestrained chaos. An aged Invictus beating the creature called Mickey over the head with a chair, over and over again. Audra flying into intemperate rages, shedding her dainty veneer for tantalizing seconds. The Dragon Seneschal pushing the jowls of some great massive canine closed around her neck, wordlessly pleading for it to tear out her throat. Ava, held by up by a male I do not know, hissing and flailing in mindless rage, until it burned out of her. She seemed diminished somehow, afterwards, and I realized I could no longer smell the blood under her skin. The little Daeva who is new to the city found himself with wood sticking out of his chest every five minutes - I imagine he does not much like it here as a result. Martinez in one breath throwing himself in front of some creature intent on attacking the prince only to, in the next moment, turn on Simon.
And Simon...I have, for a fair while, been quite fond of Simon. I never thought him beautiful until last night, with his eyes black pits of fury and his fangs sunk in my arm.
He told me that this plague vexed him, and then asked me if I was alright. I told him I was not, and it was not untrue. I do not think, however, that he realized my reasons were very different from his own.
Now I wake on sheets stiff with the dried blood of Samantha’s lifeless body, and I feel the changes. I feel what has shifted in me. Kali-ma has made my path all too clear. I have never denied Her before, when She stripped me of my memories, when She demanded her pounds of flesh and Her solace in blood, when She sundered all that which had been whole for me. I shall not deny Her now.
And so, we travel south to see my many times removed great granddaughter, to cleanse her and give her to a time of rest.
It is time for Audra to change. It is time for me to change. At least one of us has some choice in the matter.
The neonate explained her desire, and her intent. She explained why the Warminster does not wish her to fulfill her desire, though I doubt she told me all of it. She explained why she intends to defy his wishes regardless of his objections. She explained the play, the participant, and her need for my help.
I decided to comply with her request. I will not deny that it suits my purposes quite neatly.
“Don’t tell Simon,” she whispered earnestly.
“Baroness, do you think me an idiot? You just said he doesn’t want you doing this. Why would I tell him?”
…At least beforehand. Better to seek forgiveness, even when forgiveness is not what one actually cares to get.
He is right, of course. This will change her, and it will spoil her soul. I have seen Marie’s work, and the results. But he is trying to save her. I remember what he said to me about his relationship with the Baroness. I heard the words he did not say. He does not ever wish her to change; he wishes her to remain a Maiden all her days. I do not believe him to be a selfish creature, but his forbidding her this skill is a selfish act. He will lose his conscience, otherwise. He will lose that which he feels ties him to humanity. The one thing he knows he wants from her may then be gone. But in this, it would be her choice. I respect him, but I will not allow him to take this woman’s choice away from her. And I do not think he sees that this is far better than the alternative. An alternative that is just around the corner, now that Aleksandyr is dead and Vendetta is on Bella’s tongue as well as Felipe’s. This world and its nights will spiral further down, the blood will run freely, and she will not be safe from it. She cannot be saved from it. So it was with Marie, so it will be with Audra. One side or another would control her actions and reactions; it is better to be on the side of control when the events and their results are inevitable.
The female of the species is more deadly than the male.
She came to me when it happened. We began with tea, whilst I let her impatience war with her propriety. I watched the quiet flurry of anxiety, of anger, of concern, of grief and of fear. I watched her reason out the proceedings, consider implications and courses of actions, and listened and spoke when she sought advice. She can appreciate patience, but she does not want it. I saw the grief and fear buried beneath the impulse for thought and action.
But it is not gone. I saw it again last evening, when she asked me to help her, and when she spoke of her grandsire and her worry for what is the tattered and vicious and wounded remains of her family. And, very soon, I will help her with that grief….
Soon. Now, the City calls to me, and my Sire stands upon a dais with an Oath in his hands and demands on his lips. I refuse him, as I have done many times before - but the City bows to his command, and I do not walk away unscathed. In fact, I cannot walk away at all.
It is with me now; he was whispering in my ear while monsters both great and small fell into madness around me, taking me with them. I felt little aside from my desire to establish my dominance over these mewling creatures. The slightest hint of impertinence was more than irritating, and I found my usual serenity fled from the night. They would know me for the villain that I am. It does not matter that I do not rule in this city: they will fear me, if they do not already. Pure and crystalline ecstasy filled me at the sound of my claws rending the tender flesh of a too-arrogant little Carthian. A hunger burned in my gut. From moment to moment, faces devolved into snarling contortions of rage and lust, and I found myself surrounded by the most beautiful scene I have ever witnessed. Uncontroled, unrestrained chaos. An aged Invictus beating the creature called Mickey over the head with a chair, over and over again. Audra flying into intemperate rages, shedding her dainty veneer for tantalizing seconds. The Dragon Seneschal pushing the jowls of some great massive canine closed around her neck, wordlessly pleading for it to tear out her throat. Ava, held by up by a male I do not know, hissing and flailing in mindless rage, until it burned out of her. She seemed diminished somehow, afterwards, and I realized I could no longer smell the blood under her skin. The little Daeva who is new to the city found himself with wood sticking out of his chest every five minutes - I imagine he does not much like it here as a result. Martinez in one breath throwing himself in front of some creature intent on attacking the prince only to, in the next moment, turn on Simon.
And Simon...I have, for a fair while, been quite fond of Simon. I never thought him beautiful until last night, with his eyes black pits of fury and his fangs sunk in my arm.
He told me that this plague vexed him, and then asked me if I was alright. I told him I was not, and it was not untrue. I do not think, however, that he realized my reasons were very different from his own.
Now I wake on sheets stiff with the dried blood of Samantha’s lifeless body, and I feel the changes. I feel what has shifted in me. Kali-ma has made my path all too clear. I have never denied Her before, when She stripped me of my memories, when She demanded her pounds of flesh and Her solace in blood, when She sundered all that which had been whole for me. I shall not deny Her now.
And so, we travel south to see my many times removed great granddaughter, to cleanse her and give her to a time of rest.
It is time for Audra to change. It is time for me to change. At least one of us has some choice in the matter.